A/N: Allow me to say up front that this story is ON CRACK, and I know that. Twihards, don't swarm me with timeline or story corrections because I am not anal enough to know or care. Just enjoy me taking a beloved romance and destroying it (not because I'm a Twihater, but because I love satire and comedy).

Bella Swan stared at her reflection in the mirror; her oval face glowed luminously in the bright li yght from the bulbs surrounding the vanity. However, her eyes were a contrast of dull, dead dirt color. The bags beneath her eyes were deep and dark, etched into her nearly flawless porcelain face. Her chocolate hair fell in disarray, framing her tired face in a dark halo. She parted her lips ever so slightly, releasing a deep, throaty sigh that lasted nearly three seconds.

Bella's eyes wandered from her face to the small, cube-shaped clock which brightly declared 8:09. Twenty-one minutes until Renee arrived with her grandmother. Five hours and twenty-one minutes until she, Isabella Marie Swan, would take upon her the name of Cullen and become the wife of Edward Cullen: vampire. The idea of being Mrs. Edward Cullen sent chills cascading down her back. Bella lifted her forearm, studying the rising bumps with distaste. She sighed once more, allowing the arm to fall unceremoniously onto her lap.

Her attention returned to the mirror, where her eyes jumped to the reflection of a tall, marble statue with brooding topaz eyes, a crooked smile, and untidy hair. She started, whipping hear head behind her fast enough that her hair slapped her face. Edward smiled wider, folding his arms.

"Edward….what the hell? You almost gave me a heart attack!" Bella pressed her hand to her chest, feeling her icy fingertips against her bare skin. She was dressed in a low-cut purple tank-top and fuzzy orange pajama pants, but she suddenly felt naked. Edward was next to her in an instant, wrapping his steely arms around her and scooping her into his chest effortlessly. She threw an arm around his neck, laying into his strong embrace.

"You know…it's bad luck for-"

"Bella…you should know by now that luck doesn't apply when you're engaged to a vampire." Edward removed the hand supporting her legs, allowing her feet to find the ground while the other hand remained wrapped around her abdomen. She raised both hands, placing the palms on his stone chest. Edward pulled her into him, leaning down until their lips met. Bella moaned softly as their lips moved in unison, starting off gentle and gradually becoming more intense. Edward pulled away, leaving Bella momentarily dazed and disappointed.

"I just wanted to stop in and see how you were before Jasper and Emmett have their way with me." Edward brushed his icy hand across Bella's cheek, sending chills cascading down her spine once again. Bella could only smile. Suddenly, Edward tensed. His head whipped toward the door, then back at Bella's face. Bella knew without him saying anything.

"Your mother is here, and she has your grandmother and Alice." Bella groaned at the thought of Alice meticulously combing through her hair while spewing on about gowns, lace, and more things that bored Bella to tears. Edward kissed Bella's forehead, and before she could blink he was at her window, on the roof, and gone.

Her bedroom door flew open and hit the wall. Bella glanced over her shoulder to see Alice, Renee, and her grandmother with varying degrees of enthusiasm. In Alice's arms was a plastic blue bag clearly containing the impossible trap of a wedding gown made by the finest silk worms and designers in the world.

"Bella! I can't believe this!" Alice squealed, depositing the dress on Bella's vanity on her way to giving Bella a hug. Bella tried her hardest to breathe in Alice's strong embrace. Renee came next, gently wrapping her arms around her daughter as well as planting a kiss on the crown of Bella's head. Once her mother released her, Bella made eye contact with her grandmother, who merely nodded and eyed her granddaughter scrupulously.

"Hi grandma!" Bella faked enthusiasm as she waved awkwardly, "I haven't seen you in years! How is grandpa?"

"Dating a girl your age." Grandma replied curtly, turning toward a shelf containing a few dusty novels Bella hadn't touched since school. Bella's face fell ever so slightly as she realized this was a conversation not worth forcing. Alice, noticing the tension, jumped in.

"So, we were thinking of prepping you at my house. Is that okay?" She smiled angelically at Bella. Bella only shrugged.

"I am your puppet, Alice."

Alice kissed her forehead. "Good! You're learning. We'll take my Porsche."

…

11:34

The clock could only been seen from her peripheral vision, but Bella was sure that was the correct time. In the hours that followed her arrival to the Cullen house she had been washed, plucked, and even waxed in places where the sun don't shine. She had on only a bra, panties, and a crimson silk robe. She felt raw, red, and bare as Alice rand her fingers through Bella's damp hair.

"See, we could barrel-curl the top and pin it to look something like this." Alice produced a cut-out picture of a pouty-lipped model with an array of curls framing her sickeningly gorgeous face. Bella shrugged, examining her blood-red nails. Renee stood next to Alice, staring enviously at the picture. In the corner of the room sat Bella's grandmother who was flipping through Cosmopolitan with a scowl on her face.

"Renee, would you hand me that curling iron?" Alice pointed next to Grandma. Renee nodded, turning away as Alice leaned down and whispered urgently in Bella's ear: "Your dog friend is coming. I can smell him." Bella's heart skipped a beat at the thought of seeing Jacob's sad face, especially on this day. Before she could produce an excuse to run and hide, there was a knock on the door. It opened a crack as Jacob peeked through, his eyes falling immediately on Bella. Renee turned her head toward the door, her back still bent over Alice's bag.

"Oh no no no! No boys allowed!" She stood erect, brushing a loose strand of hair behind her ear as she shooed him away with the other. Alice only folded her arms as she raised an incredulous eyebrow. Jacob stuttered protests, and threw helpless glances at Bella, who only bowed her head and tugged at a strand of her hair. The door clicked shut, and Bella imaged Jacob's pain-smeared face staring longingly at the door. Renee spun on her heel, and returned to the bag.

"Aww Bella…" Grandma clicked her tongue, "is that boy in love with you?" Bella started, her face turning from sickly pale to brilliant crimson. Renee noticed this, and a worry line creased her forehead. Alice cleared her throat and held out her hand for Renee to hand over the curling iron. Grandma smirked as she neatly closed Cosmopolitan, then unceremoniously tossed it across the room. She grabbed her cane, which had been leaning against the adjacent wall, and propped it under her worn and wrinkled hands to lift herself to her feet. Perhaps faster than a human could, Alice was at her side with strong and supportive hands around her waist. Grandma scowled, and lifted herself erect with her chin high. Alice's beautiful smile was greeted by a sneer from Grandma.

"Do you need help? Where are you going?" Alice offered. Grandma brushed an invisible dust off her shoulders.

"I don't like you." She snapped, and made her way to the door while carrying her cane in the air.

…

Jacob welcomed the sight of the eggshell door closing in his face with a small whimper.

"Bella…." He breathed, lifting a tan hand and placing it on the hard wood. Jacob studied his hand, made darker by the contrast of the bright white door. How relevant, he thought, in the way that I contrast the bloodsuckers. He longed for Bella to open the door, to great him with her blushing cheeks and bright chocolate eyes. To embrace him in that way that caused him to stir in deep places, and greet him warmly. Less realistically, to tell him that she loved him. To let him know that she knew all along how right they were together. How logical it was that she be with him.

Jacob bitterly yanked his hand away from the door. He craned his neck and spotted a white couch. He made his way over, secretly wishing there was some dirt on his clothes as he sat on the plump cushion. He was somewhat less than amused at the fact that he had chosen to wear a black tee shirt and black jeans; yet another symbolic contrast between their worlds.

Jacob jumped to his feet as the sound of the door opening.

"Bel-" he started. His posture fell at the sight of Bella's grandma, "oh…..hi." Grandma raised an eyebrow.

"Still here?" Jacob nodded. "Well why? Why do you care about Bella so much?" Jacob shook his head, muttering more protests. But he was cut short as Grandma stuck a hand up.

"Don't deny it, boy. I may be old, but I'm not stupid. I know what love is, and you have it BAD." She seemed almost amused as she hobbled over to a nearby chair, lowering herself down gingerly onto the sickeningly white cushion. Jacob jogged over, offering her a supportive hand. Grandma slapped it away and seated herself.

"What the hell is with you young'uns assuming we old people are helpless? It's all that television. You may deny it, but I've seen all of those so-called 'hip' shows. Those damn Kardashians are a waste of time and space. I would love to slap that Kim." She glared at her cuticles.

Jacob smiled as he seated himself back on the couch, propped his elbows on his knees, and allowed his hands to dangle loosely over the edge of his kneecaps. The two sat in a silence that burned at Jacob's ears. He opened his mouths to speak, but was cut off by Bella's grandma:

"Want to talk about it?" Her eyes bore into his like deep black holes of death. He was mesmerized by their depth, their awesome power...before he could stop himself, he vomited his tale of Bella since she moved to Forks, and how he immediately had interest in her. She seemed nice, and pretty, and they had been friends as kids. Grandma only glared knowingly at him, nodding every once in a while. Once Jacob had finished, he only bowed his head to hide the rouge spread widely across his cheeks.

"Life sucks, then you die. I'm sorry that my granddaughter treated you like shit. Frankly, I am ashamed of her behavior. My parents were young too. My father was seventeen, and my mother was fifteen when I was conceived…"

"Syrina…" the boy stared intensely into her deep chocolate eyes, "you are my life now." He brushed a lock of brown hair behind her pale, speckled ear. Syrina sighed deeply, leaning into his touch.

"Ohh Edward…." Syrina leaned forward, pressing her lips to his.

"Wait….your father's name was Edward?" Jacob's eyes narrowed suspiciously. Grandma's eyes flew open. They had closed in the process of conveying the story. She stared at him broodingly, her eyes chastising him for interrupting. Jacob bowed his head, and Grandma continued:

The two were sprawled next to each other in a meadow filled with small pink and purple flowers. The day was warm, with a slight breeze sending the leaves dancing and spinning on their branches. Nearby, a stream bubbled a duet with the tiny songbirds perched lazily on various places.

Edward wrapped a hand around Syrina's waist, pulling her into him. She pressed her hands against his chest, feeling the rise and fall of each breath and the quick beating of his heart. Their kisses became longer, more intense and rapid. Syrina moaned as Edward readjusted his position until she was flat on her back, her hair fanning around her pale face, and he was crouched over her. His hands found their way from her back, leaving a burning trail on her skin. They wandered to her waist, then to her abdomen. He caressed her face with his other hand as she arched her back into him, clawing at his chest until the buttons from his shirt burst. Her hands fondled is bare chest, exploring the contours of his abdomen and pectorials. Edward did the same, exploring every inch of her with his hands as layer by layer of clothes was carelessly removed.

Grandma's eyes were solemn.

"A month later, Edward died of Polio….or something. My mother never had a chance to tell him, so I was raised alone. I would always ask why she never remarried, but she vowed that she loved no man but Edward, and would never love another." Grandma glanced down at the photograph, gently tracing a finger over the image of her pale-faced mother and the strong, chisled boy next to her with his messy hair and intense eyes. She sighed, and replaced the photograph in her purse.

Something about that story struck a strange note in Jacob's head. How suspicious that Edward was also the name of Bella's great-grandfather. Grandma rose to her feet with a bit more ease than before. She tucked her cane under her arm.

"I like you boy. You're not as dim-witted as everyone else in this house. Maybe I'll speak to Bella about sitting next to you during the ceremony." Jacob smiled, and nodded. He normally would have been opposed to attending the ceremony, but if he could get more information about this other Edward, then so be it.

…...

2:07

Jacob checked his watch, and groaned. It was only a matter of time before Bella would become Mrs. Edward Cullen, then a vampire. Then Jacob would vow to never see her again. It would be too painful. Already, Edward and the groomsmen had made their way down the aisle, and now the petite flower girls were sprinkling red rose petals across the shimmering white cloth that designated the aisle. Soon, Bella would emerge in her wedding gown and Jacob would have to divert his eyes. He could barely take the sight of Edward looking like a god in a tux. Jacob had managed to don a suit, but he suddenly felt like a hobo in comparison. He folded his arms over his chest, hoping to hide as much of the hobo suit as he could. The organ began playing "Here Comes the Bride", and the congregation stood. Jacob looked eagerly, and spotted Bella immediately in a flowing, form-fitting gown that made her look more beautiful and breath-taking than he had seen her previously. He blushed a deep rouge, but couldn't remove his eyes from her as she glided down the aisle, clutching a small bouquet of roses to her chest. Her hair fell over her shoulders in glittering curls. Jacob forced himself to take a breath in, and out.

Bella reached Edward, and she took his arm eagerly as they turned to the preacher. Jacob sighed and the congregation seated themselves again. Grandma, noticing his discomfort, reached into the bowels of her pursed and produced the photograph of her parents again. She handed it to Jacob.

Jacob's heart stopped beating at the photograph. It was a picture of Bella and Edward standing together, except Bella's nose was a bit wider and Edward looked more…human…and the photograph was old. Possibly early 20th century.

Then it hit him.

This was a picture of Bella's great-grandparents. But Edward was there….which could only mean….

"SHIT. OH SHIT DAMN MOTHER-" Jacob wheezed, as the air had been knocked out of his lungs. Grandma's head snapped in his direction, and she gaped at him.

"Do you kiss your mother with that mouth?"

But her words bounced off Jacob. He was repulsed…and elated. This was it! Bella had to choose him!

"If anyone has any reason why these two should not be married, please speak now or forever hold your peace." The preacher recited, somehow knowing no one would have an objection.

I have you now Edward, you son of a bitch. Jacob thought vigorously. Edward's head snapped toward him, and he glared darkly. But as Jacob rose to his feet Edward's expression conveyed panic.

"I do!" Jacob's voice echoed in the still and tense air. Edward was fuming, and Bella whipped her head around. She was furious, yet a bit curious. The dumb blonde who was Edward's sister looked like she could have easily tackled Jacob and pounded his head into the ground. The congregation was silent, save for a few hisses of dissatisfaction.

"Well then, boy, speak up." The preacher snapped curtly. Jacob suddenly realized what can of worms he had opened. Every bit of him now wished he could sit down, take it all back….but he had pole-vaulted past the point of no return.

"I would rather…..speak to the bride and groom in private. This doesn't concern the rest of you."

"Like hell…" Grandma whispered, "I paid three hundred bucks for this ticket." Jacob could feel the glares of everyone present boring into his back as he stumbled from his seat and into the aisle. He nodded for Bella and Edward to follow. Bella looked confused as Edward, still holding to her arm, dragged her forward. The three of them, tailed by Carlisle, Alice, and Esme, made their way down the aisle and into the Cullens' house.

…

That's it, Bella thought, I am going to murder Jacob. I will pick up whichever object is nearest and most convenient, and bludgeon him to death with it.

She fumed at his hunched back as he led the way into Edward's house. Edward seemed frightened, even panicked, and she was horrified at that thought. Edward was never afraid. Especially about Jacob.

"Okay Jacob," she spat, "what is this about? You had damn well better explain why you just ruined my wedding in front of my relatives!" Bella folded her arms across her heavily-beaded chest. She pretended like they weren't digging painfully into her wrists.

"Bella…" Jacob looked at her imploringly, "Edward isn't who you think he is…." He trailed off, glancing down at a photograph.

"Jacob." Edward's voice had never sounded more dangerous. "Leave it be." Jacob threw a defiant glare at Edward.

"I will not. Bella has a right to know."

"IT DOES NOT CONCERN HER."

"How dare you decide that?" Jacob stepped forward menacingly, and Edward tensed, slowing guiding Bella behind his back.

"No. This is enough." Carlisle intervened, stepping between them. He glanced at Jacob, trying hard to hide his annoyance. "Young man…this had better be important."

"It is, Dr. Cullen. I promise." Jacob extended his hand toward Edward, and Edward took the photograph wedged between Jacob's dark fingers. His faced hardened at the sight. Bella peeked over his shoulder, and her brow tightened.

"Jacob, what are you doing with a picture of Edward and I?" She glanced upward. Jacob looked down, resigned. Edward let his hand drop, the photograph still clutched by his fingers.

"It's not a picture of you and Edward." Jacob muttered loud enough for Bella to hear. She stepped back from Edward with an accusing glare.

"WHAT?"

"It's a picture of Syrina. You remember her, don't you Edward? Syrina Parker, age fifteen. The mother of your child."

Jacob could have dropped an atomic bomb, and the explosion would have been smaller.

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKIN ABOUT? EDWARD, WHAT IS HE TALKING ABOUT? WHO IS SYRINA?" Bella cried, color rising to her cheeks.

Edward stared at his shoes.

"Edward. Answer her. I think we're all interested." Carlisle folded his arms. Esme bit her lip, and Alice was near tears.

"Okay. Fine." Edward dropped the crumpled photograph on the ground, and took a step backward. "Syrina was the first girl I ever loved. Granted, she was young. But this the beginning of the twentieth century. It was easier then. I was going to ask her father for her hand in marriage, but then I contracted the illness that killed my parents, and supposedly me before Carlisle saved me." He glanced sideways and Carlisle, who nodded intently. "You don't know this Carlisle, but I went back for her. I wanted to turn her so we could live together. But I found her….pregnant. I was scared….I didn't want a child, especially as a monster. So I ran away and left her alone."

Bella nodded. "That's okay. I don't care if I'm not your first love." She couldn't conceal the doubt in her voice. Edward bowed his head, and Jacob's voice cut through the air like a knife.

"Tell her the rest."

"Bella…..Syrina Parker…..the child she had was named Charlotte…" Bella brain registered at the name of her Grandmother.

"And?"

"Charlotte is your grandmother….."

The silence was deafening.

Bella could only gape at him. She couldn't breathe, couldn't move. The silence was thick enough to slide with a sword. Alice had a hand over her mouth, Esme to her breast, and Carlise's face was dark.

"How long have you known?" Bella managed.

"The whole time." Edward admitted. Bella's knees buckled, and she was caught by Edward.

"DON'T TOUCH ME YOU BASTARD." She slapped weakly at his wrists, and he let her fall.

"Bella, don't you dare blame me! I told you we shouldn't be friends. I warned you several times that I was back for you. But you didn't listen to me! I told you I needed to be around you because I knew you had to be related to Syrina. I knew I couldn't control myself around you. But you still pursued me! This is your fault!" Edward accused. Jacob looked daggers at Edward, as did Carlisle.

"Don't you dare blame this on me, Edward Cullen! If I never see you again, it will be too soon!" Bella spat a glob of mucus on his tight face, and stormed from the room. Edward turned his fiery glare to Jacob, who shrunk back into the shadows.

"Jacob Black, I am going to kill you!" He lunged forward, but was tackled by Esme, Carlisle, and Alice. Alice looked at Jacob.

"Run." She managed, and he did so.

…

1 Week Later

Bella was finally accepting visitors. Naturally, Jacob was the first to come. No one at the wedding had been told anything other than an invitation to leave. Everyone was confounded, and soon all sorts of false stories had been made up and spread around the room. No one in town knew anything, other than the fact that Edward and Bella had broken up at the wedding. They blamed it on young, ignorant teenage love and left it alone. Bella's grandmother had run for the hills and soon as the wedding was convened, first seizing her photograph from Edward and demanding he pay for her plan ticket.

The next day, the Cullens had disappeared.

Bella sat in the fetal position on the couch. Her father had left on a fishing trip, unwilling to put up with her boy drama for another second. Jacob let himself in the front door, dying a little inside at the sight of Bella in pain. He stepped gingerly into her eyes sight, but she turned her head away from him.

"Bella….I'm so sorry…." He sat next to her.

"No you're not. You're really not." She growled.

"Bella, think about it. It was a bad choice anyway. He's a vampire. Eventually, you would have been turned. You wouldn't have been able to see your parents after a long period of time. Or anyone, for that matter. You'd be drinking the blood of animals, always on the run. Is that really the life you wanted?"

Bella didn't make eye contact. Instead, she stuck up her middle finger at him.

"Bella please…you wouldn't have been able to have children…just think about it." Bella stared straight ahead, her dead eyes thoughtful. It was then that something unprecedented happened. Something in her turned on, and she looked up.

"Jacob…..you're completely right! It was illogical to be with him! What was I thinking? Aaaahhh…damn teenage hormones!" Jacob perked up a bit, and looked at her hopefully.

"Bella, then you know that there's been someone for you here the whole time. Ready to love you deeply and with more passion than Edward. Someone who understands you." Bella's chocolate eyes met his, and she smiled.

"Once more, Jacob, completely right!" She grabbed the sides of his head, and kissed him on the lips. It was brief, more like a friendly kiss than romantic. But Jacob was mometarily shell-shocked.

"There has been someone for me! All along! Someone normal!" Bella leaped to her feet, "I'm going to call Mike. I wonder if he's seeing anyone!" She jogged out of the room.

"But Bella! I was talking about me!" Jacob pleaded, rising to his feet. Bella peeked around the corner, the eggshell phone pressed to her ear. She was wrapping the cord around her fingers seductively.

"Oh please Jacob. I'm so done with non-humans. They bring WAY too much drama into my dull life. Hello Mike? You heard? Friday? Seven? Great! See you then!" She chirped, hanging up the phone. Jacob was speechless as she skipped up the stairs, singing about her date with Mike on Friday.

The room was silent.

"Fuck my life." Jacob directed a kick at the couch.

A/N The eeeend! Please review it and tell me how epically messed up it is! MWAHHAHAHAHA!