A/N: Thank you for all of your reviews! (Even the not-so-nice ones... all feedback is good!) I'm sorry it took me so long to update this. The Mariska news hit, and then the Chris news hit... HARD. And like everyone else, I'm sure, I was totally heartbroken. I took a while to literally go through every single one of the twelve stages of grief. I was unsure about how to continue this, in light of recent developments, and after playing around with the plot a bit, I decided to just go with my original plan. I'm not acknowledging any departures... I refuse. From here on out, I'll be updating much more regularly. I promise!

Disclaimer: Dick Wolf owns SVU, not me. If I did own SVU, Christopher Meloni would have a contract. He would be given anything he wanted in order to stay... And I do mean anything. ;)

Smoldered
A Law & Order: SVU FanFic by
LifeLoveLoathing
Chapter Two

He scrubbed a sweaty hand over his tired face, feeling the skin ripple and stretch under his palm. His hand absentmindedly traveled to the top of his head where he was almost surprised to find no texture on which to relieve his frustration.

He'd shaved his head in an act of anticipation of his rapidly-receding hairline twenty-three years prior. He never once regretted his decision, never longed for the muddy brown locks that once graced the head of a more youthful version of himself: not until this day. On this day, Donald Cragen wished for something to twist and pull his fingers through.

On this day, his two finest detectives were both wounded in the line of duty – one physically and one emotionally – and he could not help but feel as if he were somehow partially responsible.

Olivia was broken and bloodied and torn in two by a bullet shed from a wild, grieving hand. A shot to the abdomen was all he knew, and as he ran into the aftermath of the squad room after hearing the gunfire and saw one of his best bleeding out on the cold linoleum, he dared to think for a second that the pain he felt in his gut was similar to the pain she felt in her own.

And then there was Elliot; Elliot, who did everything in his power to save his partner, even if it meant sacrificing another. Elliot, who would instinctively and impulsively put the safety of his partner before his own life, his own career, and his own wellbeing. Elliot, who was currently waiting in the hallway, looking every bit as battered thrown into his chair as Olivia was on the gurney in the trauma room.

He had remained equidistant between Olivia and Jenna when the medics arrived, and insisted on accompanying her in the ambulance. And when they reached the hospital, and the doctor informed the anguished detective that he would not be able to hold her hand through treatment, he promptly clenched the displaced hand into a fist and sent it sailing into the nearest wall.

And now he sat, with his head in his hands, and his elbows seemingly permanently attached to his knees, thoughts muted to the world.

It was only when Captain Cragen received the signal he had been waiting for through a beckoning phone that he attempted to reach out to his pained subordinate down the hall.

"Elliot?" He called out to him softly, but to no avail. The man's mental shield could not – would not – be penetrated. "Elliot…" It was only a twitch in the younger man's forearms that gave Cragen the insight that he was at least heard, if not formally acknowledged.

And when he realized that Elliot would not turn around, he made his announcement to the side of his slouched frame. "Elliot, IAB is here."

Elliot's face remained firmly planted in the palms of his hands, but his captain's announcement elicited a growl from him: "Tell Tucker he can fuck himself."

"Elliot, you know the drill..." the older man made an attempt at rationalization but his voice trailed off as he realized that it was moot. This would be the detective's second run-in with the Internal Affairs Bureau in as many weeks. Both offenses involved minors, and this one involved the loss of a minor's life. If this did not push him over the ledge that he was already dangerously close to, Cragen didn't know what would.

Elliot seemed to know that too. "They're just gonna suspend me." He continued to hold his head in his hands. "Why go through all the formalities?"

"She was shooting blind, man. That's the story. That's what you tell them." Fin had appeared in the hallway, and at some point flung himself into the chair next to Elliot in order to intervene in the conversation. "You did the right thing..."

"The hell I did!" The words finally triggered his movement, and he shot up from his doubled-over position. He took his gun and badge from off their respective clips on his waistband and thrust them onto Fin's lap. "Give them these. Let them take my shield away. I don't give a shit."

"El..." Fin started, but he was cut off before he could finish.

"I shot to kill."

Cragen sucked in a sharp breath at Elliot's words, his brutal and shocking honesty. He prayed that Tucker was not close enough to hear the truth.

The distraught detective, his eyes thundering with emotional turmoil, turned to look at his captain as he made his confession. "I knew what I was doing," he said evenly, "I watched that bullet go into Olivia and I thought she was gone. Shit, she might still die. And I - I lost it. I acted on pure instinct. I didn't care who she was or what she was going through. I didn't care that she was seventeen. I wanted her dead." He looked to the ceiling. "I knew what I was doing."

Cragen couldn't stand to listen to anymore. "Stabler, stop..."

He spoke over his superior. "And that's why I don't deserve to be a cop. That's why I don't deserve to be a fucking human being. So if they wanna suspend me indefinitely, let 'em." He looked back over at Fin, his eyes locking on the familiar golden badge, still resting in his colleague's lap. "'Cause I'm not talking. Not when she's still lying on that table... I'm not gonna put up with this."

"Elliot," Fin's voice was softer than either of the other two men had ever heard it, "Why?"

"Because I'm not sure if I regret it yet. I don't know if I'm sorry."