Elizabeth sat in her office, staring blindly at the pile of paperwork in front of her. "I really should get on with this." But how could she? How could she concentrate on mission reports when John was being tortured? Almost certainly dead?

If, by some miracle he were still around now, he wouldn't be in a couple of hours. The best she could hope for was that the team would rescue him from Koyla and bring him back to Atlantis so she could say goodbye to him one last time.

Tears were building up in her eyes and she brushed them away. Her gaze strayed involuntary to look over at the communication screen; she would always hate that screen from now on. It was the thing that had brought her the message from Koyla, which had shown her the video of John – dying.

He'd been tortured before of course, off world. Times where he'd almost never made it back because of injuries and wounds, but this time was different.

This time she actually had to see him suffer before her own eyes, knowing that she could prevent, she could stop his agony if she decided too. From now on his death would always be on her conscience. Could she ever forgive herself?

Hate blossomed in her heart, hate at Koyla; the cold-hearted murderer: Using John as barter to bargain with, like some worthless object.

Did he know when they'd captured him, that his pain would hurt her most of all? That she would struggle seeing him die more than any other members of his team? Maybe he did, maybe he'd realised. How? She didn't know. She didn't care.

All she could think about was the image of John that was imprinted in her mind: The Wraith's hand on his bleeding chest, sucking his life out of him. His contorted body – writhing, desperately trying to escape from the torture chair Koyla had chained him to. His agonised screams, which would never stop echoing through her head and the look in his eyes when the Wraith was brought in, in that instant he had looked at the camera - at her - for the barest second and Elizabeth had seen her emotions reflected in his face; regret, sadness, longing, desperation and pure unadulterated terror. That had scared her most of all.

She tore her gaze away from the camera and clenched her fists. It took every ounce of her self-control to stop herself from screaming out loud. She needed to get away. She stood up, hardly able to see through a mist of grief and walked out, she had no idea where her feet were taking her but somehow wasn't surprised when she ended up on their balcony – her balcony now he was…gone.

For once abandoning her careful mask of dignity and strength, Elizabeth sunk down with her back against the railings – and wept. John was the only one she'd truly taken that mask off for, revealed her true feelings. He'd been her rock, her support, and her comfort. And now she'd betrayed him, abandoned him to Koyla and death.

Eventually the tears stopped and she struggled to her feet. Just then the glass door swished open. "Uh, Ma'am?" Chuck said looking at her.

"Um, yes. Sorry. What is it?" She asked, trying to gather her thoughts back into perspective.

"I just thought you'd want to know." He said. "They're back." She stared at him for a moment, then came to her senses.

"Oh. Thank you. I'll – I'll just be a minute."

He nodded respectfully and left. She took a deep breath and stared out over the peaceful, soothing ocean. They were back, but was he with them and in what state? Can I bear it? Will I be able to control myself in front of everyone? Trust myself not to break down?

No. She couldn't. But she had to try, she had to be there for him. Like he was for her. She took a deep breath and stepped through the door.

X-X

She met up with the medical team in the Jumper Bay, the Jumper had just finished landing and although Elizabeth could hear voices speaking inside it, she couldn't tell what they were saying.
The doors began to open and she heard footsteps. Suddenly she realised she was staring fixedly at the ground, terrified of what she might see. Go on.

Slowly ever so slowly, she raised her gaze upwards, the group of marines came out first, she scanned their faces, they were all there, at least they hadn't lost anyone else.
Rodney emerged next, unwrapping a power bar, how could he eat at a time like this?
Carson was right behind him; he smiled at Elizabeth – whether in shared grief or reassurance she didn't know,
Teyla followed, with Ronon beside her; fingering his gun.
Her heart began to beat. In the state John was on, surely he wouldn't be able to walk by himself, so that must mean…No! He can't be…

Her mind and all logic told her he must be dead but her heart was sending her another message. Before she could register anything else, another figure appeared at the door of the Jumper. She stared at it in disbelief.

"John?" She whispered.

"You don't look very pleased to see me Elizabeth," he said jokingly.

"But – but – I… the Wraith, it….I saw you…." She stuttered, she couldn't understand it;

Standing in front of her was a truly alive, non-wrinkled, zero grey haired, 100% right John Sheppard. He looked exactly the age he'd been before. Before Koyla. Before the Wraith. But it was impossible.

She shook her head. "You can't be."

He smiled at her but she could detect the seriousness under the grin. "It's complicated," he said, "but Elizabeth, truly everything's okay."

"I'll be the judge of that thank you, son." Carson said firmly. "Now come on, I'm taking you to get checked up at the infirmary. Come on."

"No, seriously Doc. I'm fine..." He was protesting as he was forced onto the portable bed and wheeled out the room. Elizabeth staring after him.

X-X

A couple of hours later she was once again standing on the balcony watching as the sun began to slip beneath the gentle waves.

Teyla had told her about the Wraith's "Gift of Life", but everything still felt unreal. She'd never felt such mixed emotions. Part of her was happy; Amazingly, joyously happy. John was alive, fully alive, with years ahead of him, just this afternoon she'd been looking at a whole eternity without him – but he was back. She was grateful to the bottom of her heart for that.

Yet another part of couldn't control the pangs of guilt. The feeling that this couldn't be real, he couldn't really have come back to her after what she'd done to him. She'd given him up, let him down. After he'd saved her from the nanites that was how she'd repaid him? How could she enjoy such a benevolent gift after doing something so weak?

It couldn't be true. Any minute now something would happen to him, he'd die or disappear and this time it would be real – and no more than she deserved.

"Stop beating yourself up," a voice sounded. She gave a gasp and whipped round, to see John standing at the door.

"Wh-what do you mean?" She asked, trying to regain some lost dignity.

He took a step forward, "don't try and fool me Elizabeth, I know what you were thinking." He said, "you were blaming yourself for what happened."

"I – " She began but he interrupted her and took a step forward.

"You were Elizabeth. I'm not stupid. Stop pretending."

She bit her lip. "So what if I was?" She asked, "its true John. It was my fault, I could have just given Koyla, Laden and he would have released you, but I didn't. How can you bear to be around me after that? How can you not hate me?"

She felt perilously close to tears now although her voice remained steady. John took another step towards her. "I can bear that," he said softly, "Because what I know is true. You couldn't have given Laden to Koyla, if you had that wouldn't have been the Elizabeth I trust and believe in."

He took another step forward. "Elizabeth; you did the right thing."

"But how do you know?" She said. "John, you could easily be dead right now – because of me."
He came closer still. "I know," he replied, "because of what I feel – in here."

Very gently he took her cold hand and placed it over his heart. Elizabeth's fingers flexed as she felt it beat under her skin, strong and insistent. She looked up into his eyes. In them she could still see that pain and fear she'd seen earlier - he was still suffering, no matter how he acted around others - but there were other things now: Hope, happiness – and care.

You okay?" He said, his voice soft.

She gave a small laugh, "I'm the one who should be asking you that question." She paused, "John. Seeing it was terrible enough – but actually experiencing it….are you sure you're alright?"

He looked at her, "I'm not now," he answered honestly, "but I will be – one day."

"Do – do you want to talk about it?" She said hesitantly. He shook his head and she nodded,

"Okay, but if you ever want to…" She trailed off and stood there, still listening to his heart's steady beat.

There was a long silence and then he spoke, his voice very low "I didn't think anything could hurt that much." She swallowed, not knowing why he'd changed his mind or why he'd chosen to confide in her, she just simply listened.

"I mean I've been tortured before, but this…" He took a deep breath and went on, "it was worse because they kept stopping. When I was lying in that cell all I could think about was that they were going to come back, that I'd have to go through it again. I knew you'd try and rescue me but it was so hard to remember that when Koyla chained me to the chair and gave the order."
He looked down at her, his eyes full of anguish as he remembered. "Sorry," he said, pulling away, "I shouldn't be telling you this, you have enough to deal with. It doesn't matter."

"No. John. Please." She begged, the words coming out broken and desperate. She grabbed his wrist, her other hand crept round his waist and then his arms were instantly encircling her, holding her in a tight embrace. She was breathing heavily and tears were streaming down her face. She was aware of John shaking, even as he held her.

They clung to each other, gaining comfort and strength and eventually the tears stopped and they simply stood together.

The sun finished setting behind her and the whole of Atlantis was bathed in fading golden light. At that moment though, the only thing Elizabeth was aware of was the warm, solid body of John Sheppard, that at last she could believe was truly alive, with blood running through it's veins and that he was here with her.