Authors Note:

Hello dear readers!

I'm really sorry to do this and put up your hopes for another chapter, but I have honestly lost interest in this story. I've been trying for a while now to write in it, but it has been TWO YEARS and nothing seems to come to mind anymore. My inspiration seems to have faded away, and I feel it's just terrible of me to maybe-sort of-possibly update at some random point in the future.

So I am going to discontinue this story. I'm so sorry to all the faithful readers that have asked about the progress of this story and hoped that it would keep going… But I think that it's better just to close it off rather than keep anyone's hopes up.

However!

I do have a draft of the upcoming chapter that I ended up stopped writing in the middle of. I'll post it here, though that's all I have left. I hope you enjoy it, even if it is incomplete.

Time and Time Again
Part 2 (Incomplete)

So the king was in love with her. Kaoru had been told it over and over again by Sanosuke for the past several years, but the realization that she was the woman behind the blue flower story…In that moment, it really sent the message straight through to her heart. In her mind, the king's fixation to marry her had always resided in her mind as a sort of empty, lustful arrangement that she had no desire to take part of. But to her surprise, it actually seemed to be a kind, pure love that spanned three years. She had always praised herself on being a romantic, but truly…She was the one that couldn't stay in love long enough to build anything substantial and changed suitors as quickly as she changed clothes. And here was the Northern king, whom she'd always deemed unworthy to be her husband, loving her as tirelessly as any girl could hope.

But the recognition of his love prompted forward the most important question: Why?

She had never met the king before. Her first time would probably be when she arrived in the Northern kingdom. She'd only heard the rumors that circulated around court and the stories that Sanosuke had told her. And since she'd never met him, how could he know anything about her, especially enough to be in love with her and want to marry her? This idea had always confused her.

In an attempt to understand why the king valued her so much, a long and harsh self-evaluation settled down upon her. Did she really have any traits that made her so desirable? As she thought hard about it, it only brought out her flaws. She was a selfish, fickle, and impulsive girl. She continuously troubled her father, mother and Sanosuke and put significant stress on their lives. She was madly in love in one moment, and grew bored and tired of it in the next. She had always declared to be a free-spirit, but in actuality, was entirely dependent on others. She lived her life without thinking of the consequences.
Exactly, which of these characteristics were attractive?

Kaoru was at a loss. In her opinion, she didn't even seem worth loving. She was just a self-centered child. What value did the king find in her? Even after she'd shamed her parents to the point of needing to send her away?

"Kaoru? Oi, Kaoru!"

A hand waved in front of her face, and she blinked in surprise. She looked around and Sanosuke staring at her worriedly.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

"Nothing's wrong with me," Sanosuke said. "But I've been called your name at least seven times…Are you all right?"

No, she wanted to answer. But did she really have any right to say that, especially when she'd already troubled Sanosuke beyond belief? So she gave him a small smile instead and resumed eating her dinner.

"Oh, me?" she said lightly. "I'm fine, Sanosuke."

Her cousin did not look convinced. "No, you aren't."

"Yes, I am."

"You're holding your knife the wrong way," he noted as a clarifying factor.

She looked down and realized that was why she wasn't getting anywhere in her attempts to cut the meat. She flushed slightly before rearranging her utensil quickly.

"I'm just a bit out of it," she admitted.

Sanosuke could easily tell that was the case. Kaoru wasn't radiating her usual glow. Her blue eyes had a dull glaze over them. This sudden change in personality troubled him. Even if she was distressed about the marriage, at least was vocal about her unhappiness. But for the past day she'd slipped into a state of dazed silence. He had no idea what was going on in her mind and he was nervous about what actions she might take.

"Talk to me, Kaoru," he said. "What's wrong with you?"

"I told you, I'm just a bit out of it."

"Come on, Kaoru. I know that isn't the case—"

She slammed her hands down on the table in frustration, alarming the man sitting beside her. She looked at him, her eyes exasperated.

"What do you want me to say?" she demanded quietly. "I'm tired, Sanosuke. I'm anxious, exhausted, and most of all, I'm confused. I want to run but at the same time I know I have to stay. I miss Mother and Father and I hate myself for what I did to them. I just…want to be done."

She leaned back into the chair and threw an arm across her eyes. She suddenly felt like crying. Her heart ached and she just wanted to it all to stop. She wanted to be loved by her father and mother again, she wanted to go back to court with Sanosuke, and she wanted to become someone that was better than the person she was now.

"Sanosuke…Am I a terrible person?" she asked softly.

Sanosuke was startled. "What do you mean?"

"Tell me…What is good about me?"

"Where is this even coming from?"

"I've been thinking about it. After all of the things that I've done, and the way that I've acted my entire life, why hasn't everyone grown tired of me?"

"Kaoru, what—" Sanosuke was in a state of shock. Where was his overconfident, shining and foolish princess? How could she have changed in past six hours to become this mess?

Her next question was barely above a whisper, but Sanosuke's sharp ears heard every word. "Why does the king even want to marry me?"

Sanosuke felt all of the air leave his lungs in one fatal swoop. What kind of question was that? Especially since the question wasn't filled with its usual indigence, but rather with total helplessness. Kaoru was never interested in that before—after all, she had repeatedly told him about her lack of desire to marry the king. And now, she wanted to know why? What was going on with her?

Of course, Sanosuke could list off a hundred reasons why the Northern king was in love with his cousin. He heard is every single time when he came to the Kamiya lands to visit. The number of times he'd caught the king just staring at her…

"All right, Kaoru, you're scaring me," he said, turning and grabbing her shoulders. "What's going on with you—"

But he stopped dead when he took a good look at her face. Her blue eyes were shining with tears and hopeless abandon.

"Kaoru—"

His hands were thrown off as she stood abruptly, twisting out of her seat and making a run for the door. But not before Kenshin opened it and almost knocked into her. He stared at her great surprise as he took in her disheveled appearance.

"Princess?" he said, his golden eyes expressing his worry.

She didn't respond. She quickly rushed past him out the door and down the deserted corridor, but not before revealing her distraught expression.
Kenshin whirled around to face the black-haired man still sitting at the table. "What the hell is going on?" he demanded.

Sanosuke scratched the back of his head, trying to play off Kaoru's actions as nothing, although they were quite troubling. "Ah, nothing," he replied easily. "You know Kaoru, always throwing tantrums about the silliest stuff…"

Kenshin did not look convinced. "Sanosuke…"

The taller man sighed. "I can't read her mind, okay? I have no idea what that girl is thinking sometimes."

"What is she upset about?"

Sanosuke felt something snap in his head. "Oh, I don't know. Maybe because she's getting married?"

Kenshin's golden eyes narrowed. "What's that supposed to mean?"

Sanosuke sighed again, running a hand through his hair absently. "Look, you know just as well as I do that she isn't exactly excited about this whole arranged marriage idea. She's still dealing with some issues from back home—"

"What issues?" Kenshin said sharply.

"You'll have to ask her that," Sanosuke said honestly. He had no right to tell Kenshin what had happened just over one month ago that changed the course of Kaoru's life. That was her story to tell. "But she's tense about her marriage. So, can you do something to convince her?"

"Like what?"

"Just tell her some good things about the king—you know, positive stuff! Things that she can look forward to! God knows that she never listens to me anymore…"

One Month Ago

Kaoru had always been an impulsive child. When she wanted something, she went for it, without thinking of the consequences. That was how Kaoru lived her life—free, full and in-the-moment. Of course, this lifestyle would obviously get her into trouble. There was no mistake. It was a constant worrisome factor to her parents and her cousin. But she thrived that way. And her search for "true love" was no exception.

That was where the young Lord Takuya came rushing in. He was everything that Kaoru could hope for: dashing, handsome and so kind-hearted. Per usual, she "fell in love" with him straight away on a short visit to her Aunt Mikiko's home. Kaoru knew that she got caught in a "passionate love" quite often and that her cousin taunted her about it endlessly. But she remembered telling Sanosuke that "there was something different about him" from all the rest. She couldn't quite put her finger on what it was exactly, but it was there.

After leaving her aunt's home, she continued to visit with him in secret. Her parents were unaware of her actions, though Sanosuke was keen to notice changes in her behavior. She usually included him in all of her secrets, but after his outburst when she first told him about Takuya, she didn't want her overprotective cousin to ruin it. He started keeping an eye on her more closely than before.

Despite the cautious steps that she would have to take, she felt her heart grow fonder of Takuya every single passing day. His feelings seemed to be the same; if the long midnight walks he took her on, the charming and sweet words he whispered in her ears, and the proud declarations of love were any indication. He told her he wanted to be with her forever…and he proposed marriage to her parents.

But they refused. Although Takuya was all sorts of wonderful in Kaoru's mind, he was the son of a lord who had lost most of his wealth due to his addiction to gambling and alcohol. Takuya, apparently, was following down a similar path. He was well-known among his friends for being a heavy gambler and was in deep debt because of his habits. Kaoru was the king and queen's only child; they had no intention of handing her over to a man with questionable intentions and no means to support her.

Once her parents rejected Takuya's proposal, Kaoru remembered spending several days crying in her rooms. She did not wish to see her mother and father at all—she was furious at them for ruining her chance at true happiness. Sanosuke came to visit her, but once he started to defend her parents' decisions, she threw him out as well. And he just walked away, leaving her to wallow in her sorrow and anger alone. He would regret that moment later in his life…If only he had insisted staying by her. If he had, she wouldn't have run off to make the stupidest decision of her life.

When several days had passed, she snuck out of the castle to the old oak tree where she and Takuya would often meet. She found him waiting for her there and ran into his arms. He told her that he couldn't live without her and he loved her more than anything in the world. She said that she needed him and loved him. She began to cry. He cradled her delicate face in his hands and told her to hush. They held each other in silence until a wild idea rose in Takuya's mind. He suddenly grabbed her shoulders and exclaimed, "Kaoru, run away with me!"

The proposed elopement startled her at first. But she knew that her parents would never change their minds. The only way to convince them was to take drastic measures—once she was married, her parents would have no choice but to accept her relationship to Takuya. Caught up in the passion of the moment, and faithfully believing that she would never find happiness without her "one, true love", Kaoru said yes. As usual, her impulsive nature only allowed her think about this one instant and not the consequences that would surely lay in the future.

The rest was easy. All she had to do was meet him at the designated port and sail off with her man into their new blissful and beautiful life together. But Takuya never came. She waited all day and all night long for him to arrive—but he never did. In the end, it was Sanosuke, worried and exhausted beyond words, who found her, sobbing miserably on the dock. She cried hopelessly into her cousin's arms. Her prince wasn't here yet—Where was he? Why had he abandoned her?

Sanosuke called her stupid, ignorant, and selfish. "What the hell were you thinking?!" he yelled at her angrily. That was what snapped Kaoru out of her hysterical crying. Never in her life had Sanosuke shouted at her, especially in such a heated tone. She looked up at him and saw that his eyes carried an expression of severe frustration. He grasped her by the shoulders and shook her. "Kaoru! You idiot!"

That was the moment when Kaoru began to realize what she had done. Sanosuke took her weak and tired self home, where she was met by her mother and father. Her father stared at her in angry disappointment. What was his daughter thinking? He had loved her and given her everything in the world—and yet she had tried to run off with that good-for-nothing man! Full of resentment and fury, the king turned his back on her. Her mother looked down upon her with saddened eyes. She raised her hand, and in one forceful motion, slapped her daughter straight across the face.

A new onslaught of tears started to fall from her eyes as she reached up to touch her stinging cheek. But it wasn't because of the separation between her and her lover or her throbbing cheek. No, it was the pain and disappointment she saw in her mother and father's eyes. They had given her everything she could ever want—their precious, precious Kaoru—and her awful behavior was all she'd given in return.

What kind of daughter was she? What had she done?

Had this one drastic action—running off with a man that her parents had denied for her—lost her everything she still held dear?

Kaoru was confined to her chambers for the next week. Not that she had any desire to leave—she was drowning in a pit of self-loathing. How could she have fallen in love with a man that had abandoned her? How could she have pained her parents like this? She sobbed into her pillows despairingly, lonely and abandoned.
It took about a week for her father to finally call her down. She went down to the great hall, only to find it empty of all people except for the king and queen. He stared at her from his seat in the golden throne, his eyes unreadable. Kaoru dropped her gaze, unable to meet his eyes without shame.

When he spoke, his words cut through her like a knife. "I'm sending you to the North."

Kaoru snapped her head up, alarmed. "What?"

"I'm sending you away to marry the Northern king. He had asked for your hand over and over again. I have finally agreed to his request."

She felt herself starting her shake and she looked desperately at her mother. The queen seemed saddened by the decision but stood firmly beside her husband. Kaoru had expected some form of punishment but nothing quite like this…

"Father…I don't understand," she said, rubbing her hands anxiously. "Why…?"

"Because of what you've done!" the king said sharply. "Your reckless actions put you into this position, Kaoru!"

"But, Father!" she exclaimed. "To force me to marry the Northern king as punishment—"

"This is not your punishment, Kaoru!" the king interjected hastily. "Do you know the shame that could be brought onto the family? If news got out that the princess tried to elope…" He shook his head. "The only way to salvage your honor is to have you marry. It is the only way to ensure your mother and I that you will not engage in such a foolish manner again!"

"Then, send me away!" Kaoru said desperately. "Or keep me here in the palace! Please, Father… Don't force me to marry the king!"

"If we were to send you away," her mother said quietly, "people would be inclined to think that you are pregnant with his child."

Kaoru blanched noticeably. "Mother, I assure you, I am not—"

"Whatever the case," her father said. "We want to avoid that kind of talk. And to keep you here in the palace would still make us uneasy. The king has wanted to marry you for years. This is good opportunity to accept his offer. With this marriage, your eligibility is taken away, and you will remain safe."

All the images and rumors surrounding the mysterious Northern king filled Kaoru's mind in an instant. She'd heard that he was cold and cruel, heartless and fearsome, and ruled over his nation with an iron fist. Wouldn't those traits be projected onto her? All he wanted to do was marry her—he didn't love her! She was sure that it must only be lust or a political desire for power. She started to tremble in fear. She was scared. She was scared, so very scared…

The king got to his feet. "There is nothing left to discuss. The Northern king will arrive to pick you up in a few weeks time. Until then, you should—"

In a desperate attempt to save herself, Kaoru rushed forward. She fell to her knees before the king and grabbed the hem of his robes, her eyes shining with tears.

"Forgive me, Father!" she cried. "Please Father! Forgive me!"

The look that he gave her was full of desolation and pain. "Kaoru…"

"Please Father, I'm begging you! Don't send me away to marry the king! Please!" The tears were flowing freely now. "I can't do it, Father! I…I…"

"It's already been agreed upon, Kaoru," the king said softly. "Nothing more can be done."

And he turned away, walking out of the room, leaving his daughter crying on the cold stone floor.

Is everyone abandoning me? She thought helplessly. Does no one want me?

She felt a gentle hand on her back and looked up to see her mother kneeling beside her. Kaoru grabbed the queen's arm in desperation. "Please, Mother," she pleaded. "Don't send me away!"

"This decision is for your own good, Kaoru," the queen said. "After what you've just done…Your father and I can't…trust you anymore."

The words stung, but she still tried to plead her case. "Even so, Mother…" Kaoru said. "I've never met the Northern king…I don't love him! I can't simply…"

"If you can forsake your parents' wishes and run off with a man, I'm sure that you can put up with this," her mother said curtly. "The Northern king will take good care of you."

She shook her head violently. "No, no! I can't! I won't! I—"

"Kamiya Kaoru," her mother said in a cold tone. We've given you everything—and the one time we deny your wishes, you fill with such self-importance that you decided that we were wrong and that you must have your way! Now look where you are!"

Kaoru looked down at herself. She was crying on the ground of the throne room, feeling worse that she'd ever left in her entire life.

"Therefore, you will accept the king's marriage proposal with honor and grace. Don't disgrace your family even further for the sake of your pride."

Her mother stood as the door behind them slowly opened. The queen looked around and released a small sigh. "Come in, Sanosuke," she said. "Please watch over her for a bit. There are some matters that I must take care of."

"Yes, Aunt," Sanosuke's familiar gruff voice said.

Kaoru heard a set of footsteps approach her as another left her side. She continued to stare at the ground, her eyes still wet from her cascade of tears. Her entire body felt numb and her mind was disoriented.

"You're really stupid, you know that?" Sanosuke told her casually.

Despite her distress, she could still feel a flicker of stubborn anger. She turned and faced him in annoyance. Her cousin was sitting cross-legged beside her, his face propped up in the palm of his hand. The expression he wore was one of complete exhaustion.

"You can only blame yourself," he said. "You never think about the consequences of your actions and you end up here, sobbing on the floor, getting shipped off to marry a man you've never met."

She knew that his words were true, but she'd already heard it multiple times in various forms from her mother and father. She had no desire to hear it again. So she shot her cousin a small glare through her red, puffy eyes.

"Leave me alone, Sanosuke," she muttered, lamely waving her hand at him.

"Hell no," Sanosuke said. "I leave you alone for one night and look at what you do—You try to elope!" He shook his head. Then he gave her a look of concern. "And now I'm worried that you might do something drastic to get out this marriage…Like jumping off of your balcony."

"I wouldn't do that!" she snapped, though the idea did seem slightly enticing at the moment…

"But you'll abandon your family expectations to elope with a man that left you alone at the dock?" He sighed. "I honestly can't believe you actually did that. Especially with that idiot."

"…I loved him," Kaoru said softly.

Sanosuke rolled his eyes. "You fall in love at least once every month!"

"I thought that he was different," she said.

"Those guys are all the same, Kaoru! They only think about the prestige and riches that come with marrying the princess!"

"I thought that he loved me too," she said before a sob caught in her throat. She buried her face in her hands as her shoulders started to shake.

Damn, she was crying again. Sanosuke ran a hand through his hair. "Look, Kaoru. You made a stupid mistake. Now you have to face the repercussions. Do you understand that?"

She nodded slightly.

"I know that you hate the idea of marrying without love, but the king will be good for you. He can give your stability and safety. And he's totally in love with you."
Kaoru gave her cousin a sidelong glance. "Why would he? Doesn't he know what I've done?"

"He doesn't know anything," Sanosuke told her firmly. "And he'll never find out, as long as you keep your mouth shut. That's why you have the chance to start over again. Take it. If you stay here, you'll never be able to escape from your scandal and it'll spread like wildfire in court. You'll always be thinking 'what if'. So, for your own sake, marry the Northern king."

Everything Sanosuke was saying made complete sense. But she still had her concerns and these made her protest against the idea of marriage.

"I won't be happy," she said through small sniffles.

"You can be if you try," he countered easily.

"I won't know anyone there. I'll be all alone."

"You can make friends."

"In the North there isn't any-l"

"You'll survive."

"What if the king is terrible to me?"

"No way!" Sanosuke scoffed. "Kaoru, I'm serious: The king is hopelessly in love with you."

Kaoru could tell that her cousin's statement was sincere. Yet there was one thing that lingered heavily in her mind and tugged continuously at her heart. "But Sanosuke…" she whispered desolately, "I don't love him."

Sanosuke gazed at the princess for several long moments. He knew that this fact was tearing her up inside, just as much as the perpetual self-loathing. He attempted to think of something to say that would console her…but nothing helpful could come to mind. Finally, he sighed and scratched the back of his head.

"Sorry, Princess," he said with an apologetic smile. "I can't do anything about that."

Sanosuke spoke a dismal truth. There was nothing that he could do about Kaoru's lack of affection for her future husband. But as she sat in the old piano room, absently pressing down on random keys, she realized that the 'love' issue wasn't her greatest concern at the moment. While it was obvious that Kaoru didn't love the king, it was becoming less and less apparent as to why the king would ever love her.

The unpredictable way that she fell in and out of love, the way she could so easily hurt others for her own sake, and the way that she never thought about consequences… What was likeable about that? Sure, the king may be unaware of her failed attempt at elopement, but that didn't change the fact that she had tried. Although her parents believed that she would be safe from acting so irresponsibly by being separated from her home, that didn't change her personality.
She was carelessly impulsive. What if, once she was married to the Northern king, she found another princely, charming and handsome man? What if, he too, whispered sweet words in her ears and she got caught up in a seemingly passionate affair? What if, even after what happened last time, she could not ignore her impetuous nature, decided it was "true love" and wanted to run off? Who was to say that her guilt and responsibility would be able to stop her from acting recklessly again?

She was scared that if that happened, she wouldn't be able to stop her heart. She knew that she was not weak-willed and had a strong sense of dignity, but if she was unhappy in the North…and she followed her unconventional love practices…Could she really resist the temptation?
Again, she would end up hurting her parents, disappointing Sanosuke, and perhaps the worst… Heartlessly casting aside a king who apparently truly and deeply loved her.

She didn't know what to do. As she thought about it more and more, she felt a stronger feeling of self-loathing rise in her chest. Why was she this way? Why was she a girl with such unrealistic hopes and reckless actions?

"Princess?" she heard a soft voice come from behind her.

Looking over her shoulder sulkily, she saw Kenshin standing in the doorway. Usually in the presence of unfamiliar company, she would at least attempt to act formal. But at the moment, she still felt so depressed that she remained in her slumped position. "Hello, Lord Kenshin," she said dully. "Is there something you need?"

"No…But after the way that you rushed out of the dining hall…" Kenshin said. "Princess, are you all right?"

"Me?" she said, her back still to the door. She played another key, releasing a broken sound. "Oh, I'm just fine."

"Your reaction earlier seems to say otherwise, Princess," Kenshin noted calmly.

She didn't reply, but continued playing random keys.

"Sanosuke said that you were quite upset over something—"

"Sano's an idiot," she snapped scathingly, catching Kenshin by surprise.

She heard Kenshin breathe out. "Please, Princess…If there is anything I can do to help you feel better…The king would be most displeased if you arrived in the Northern kingdom in such a disconcerted state."

There was nothing really anyone could say that would make her feel better. Honestly, she just wanted to wallow in her terrible life decisions, self-loathing and disappointment. She didn't want any pity; she just wanted to rant and lash out about her unfortunate predicaments. Above all, she wanted to know why the king was in love with her. Didn't he know all of her horrid flaws?

Then a thought struck her. Kenshin was here and by the information he knew about her, she was certain that he was the king's right hand man. Before everyone else, Kenshin should know why.

Kaoru suddenly whipped around and faced the man still standing in the doorway. "Lord Kenshin, you know the king very well, don't you?"
Kenshin looked surprised at the question, but he nodded nonetheless. "I am with him wherever he goes."

"Excellent," she said, with slight eagerness. "Then can you please elaborate on something for me?"

The redheaded man nodded again. "Of course, Princess."

Her eyes were determined and she erased all elements of embarrassment. "Why does the king want to marry me?"

There was a heavy silence between the two of them for several long seconds. Kenshin blinked at her but Kaoru kept her expression firm.

"Pardon?"

Kaoru tapped her foot with impatience. "Could you please tell me why the king has been so insistent on marrying me for so many years?"
"Princess, if this is about the king knowing so much about you…"

"No!" Kaoru said quickly. To be honest, she wasn't bothered by that fact anymore. She just wanted to know why out of the things he knew about her, which were the ones that made him love her? She tried to find a quality herself, but ended up coming up with nothing substantial… "I just…want to know. Please, Lord Kenshin. Perhaps you can enlighten me?"

Kenshin shifted uncomfortably. "To divulge the king's personal feelings…especially to the object of his affection…"

The horrid thought hit her before she could stop it. There's nothing about you that he likes.

That's why Kenshin was hesitating. The past several times she'd asked him about the king, Kenshin had willingly told her. But now, in the moment that she most wanted to hear about king's affection towards her, his mouth clamped shut.

After hearing the blue flower story from Tae, she had faintly come to believe that the king really did treasure her. The "love at first sight" theme of the story struck her—mostly because she'd fallen victim to it quite often. Yet it seemed that the king favored an aspect of her physical beauty in those moments when he first seen her, and not anything to do with her personality. It was because the king didn't know what she could she really be like…

Sure, the king knew she played the piano and she usually wore a sunny disposition… But the secrets she held and the behavior she displayed… Could she really blame him for the lack of reasons to love her?

Author's Note:

Obviously Kenshin is the king, LOL.

But anyway. Thank you so much for supporting this story until now. You are all amazing!

-Aya