To Every Bad Writer this Fandom has

Brace yourselves…

Hello, everyone! KF here, the Grammar Nazi herself. Today, I intend to explain everything wrong with the Phineas and Ferb fandom, with the help of the stars themselves.

"Hi," said Phineas.

Ferb waves, silent.

Which brings me to my first rant. Tensing. People seem to think that it's okay to mix past and present tense together. And it's not. Really. You need to make sure your tensing is all either one or the other, or else suffer the wrath of those of us who have the misfortune to click on your story. I myself need to work on my Past Perfect tense. I keep forgetting about it.

Personally, I prefer past tense. Present tense is totally fine, and I don't mean to deter anyone from writing it. I am simply stating my opinion.

Ah, opinions. Aren't they wonderful? Well, let me tell you all something. Opinions are like asses. We all have one, and they ALL stink. Except you, Isabella. I'm pretty sure you fart rainbows.

Isabella giggles nervously, at a loss for words.

Anyways, about opinions. I'm not sure I've really seen any of them on this fandom, but if you decide to go and hate review a story because it's not your ideal pairing, GROW UP. There are other people in the world besides you, who like other things, and who DON'T bash you for writing what you like.

"Actually, I can't stand all those me and Gretchen fics," says Ferb.

Ah ha! An opinion! Well, there are some people out there who can't stand all those Ferb and Vanessa fics. Or Phineas and Isabella fics. In fact, there are some people who only like Phineas and Ferb fics!

The point is, it doesn't matter. If someone writes it, you click it, and don't like it, don't leave a mean review. Tell people what they did wrong.

This flows very nicely into my next subject: ENCOURAGING BAD WRITERS.

I've never been able to understand this, but for some reason, as long as their favorite couple is making out in the fic, no one gives a crap about whether or not the material is actually good. I, like so many other people on this site, judge whether or not I should click on a story based on its number of reviews. Imagine my disappointment when I click on a fic that goes like:

'And so Phineas says "I really like you, Isabella" "Oh Phineas, I knew it!" Izzy cried.

They kissed each other and it was super romantic and then Phineas got down on his big mussely knee (because he's buff and in rather good condition and pretty tall) and held out the diamond ring. Isabella almost fainted because it was so beautiful.

They got married and lived happily ever after.'

And for some reason, these fics have like sixty bazillion reviews, all of them saying things like: "omg so cute write moar plz i love phinbella"

And these reviews have no sort of constructive criticism to them, no "this was good, this was bad," no ANYTHING. And so then these people writing crap fics think that they're material worth publishing and continue to write total crap fics.

Isabella is holding a pen, looking bewildered. "You mean there's a story where Phineas is a big, hunky man and we get married and live happily ever after?"

Yes, yes there are. And now to a common thing I notice in wedding/fluffy romance fics.

Mary Sues are a reader's worst nightmare. People, for some unknown reason, like to take the characters from the show that have clear flaws (they're not freaking perfect, people) and then make them into the ideally unattainable human being. Unless you legitimately know someone that is perfect (like my friend who loves Jesus, never fights with her sisters, is everyone's best friend, a musical genius, and is getting straight A's in almost all college level courses while a sophomore in high school) you have no excuse to write a Mary Sue.

You especially cannot take Isabella and make her utterly perfect in every way. Even though cuteness emanates from her very being, she is STILL not perfect. I can't think of any of her flaws at the moment, but she's NOT perfect. And neither is Phineas. In my opinion (which stinks, remember?), Phineas will never have muscles, because he is a scrawny little kid who spends his time drawing blueprints. Sure, he can be active, but not super buff. The kid's not a body builder, people. No matter what you say.

Also, I believe Phineas will never be taller than five foot five. He's a short kid, and he's gonna stay that way. However, I also don't see Ferb as a player, so perhaps my logic is flawed in some instances…

"Hey, I can grow!" Phineas protests, his hands on his hips.

Ah, thank you for saying something. My ultra pet peeve is punctuation. If you are writing a story in third person, there cannot—repeat, cannot be exclamation points outside of the dialogue. It looks and sounds stupid, and in the words of the French Cirque du Soleil girl, "so don't do it."

Another thing about third person outside dialogue: contractions are a no no. I myself forget to abide by this rule occasionally, but it is very important. You cannot say:

'She ran to the house, hiding. She couldn't do it. It's too hard.'

Can we all agree that this next one sounds better?

'She ran to the house, hiding. She could not do it. It was too hard.'

Okay. This one doesn't bother me as much as everything else, but it's professional, so I gotta promote it.

Also, make sure you punctuate dialogue correctly. Candace, say something.

"Say what?" says Candace.

Okay, here is a good example. Note how 'says' is lowercase, despite the presence of the question mark. A lot of people tend to capitalize 'says,' and it drives me crazy. Phineas, say something.

"Something," says Phineas with a shrug.

An even better one. Note the comma between 'something' and the quotes, and how 'says' is lowercase. For some reason, people like to write:

"Something." Said Phineas with a shrug. OR "Something." Phineas said with a shrug.

In both these instances, YOU USE AN EFFING COMMA. The ONLY time you would EVER use a period is when (Vanessa say something…)

"Whatever." Vanessa rolls her eyes.

See? Did we all see that up there, or should I play it again? In slow motion?

"Wh…at…ev…er…" Vanessa slowly rolls her eyes.

Vanessa did not 'roll' the word 'whatever.' She said it. However, we as readers can deduce this because her name follows the dialogue. A period is used because the dialogue and the eye rolling are separate sentences!

"Ooooh," breathes the crowd.

I know! Despite the fact that everyone should have picked this up simply from reading a freaking book, it never ceases to amaze.

"It's amazing," breathes Baljeet.

Aaaaand on we go to the next subject: repetition.

There are nearly 750,000 words in the English language (if you want to include all the different tenses). For God's sake, I'm absolutely certain you can find a different word to use. There are over 300 ways just to say said, which you can honest to God Google "300 ways to say said" and get actual lists of ways to say said. There are online thesauruses! Dictionaries! You can freaking right click on ANY word you type in Microsoft Word and get a list of synonyms for it. Your resources are ENDLESS! Use them to make your story more interesting, more unique. And using more and bigger words makes you sound more intellectual, as if you know what you're doing. Hell, Stephanie Meyer did it. If that shit can be successful, so can yours!

"Ahem," Buford interrupts. "I happen to enjoy Twilight."

Once again, opinions. I went over this, right. Up. There. You like Twilight, I hate Twilight, do we all agree? No, but it's illegal to kill each other, so we'll have to get along.

Now, what am I missing…? Oh yes! Numbers.

I don't know what it is about people (see how much everything baffles me?) having to state everyone's age every other sentences, but numbers stick out like sore thumbs. Unless you are a) writing a computer program or code, b) naming a large sum of money, or c) have a population or something similar that goes over three zeroes, you are very capable of typing out the whole darn number.

"Five years ago, I, Isabella Garcia-Shapiro, deiced I liked Phineas Flynn-Fletcher. We were both ten."

Okay, now look at that awful, awful paragraph. It killed me to write it. But you must admit, it is more pleasing to the eye than this:

"5 years ago, I, Isabella Garcia-Shapiro, deiced I liked Phineas Flynn-Fletcher. We were both 10."

And the only thing that changed was the numbers!

"Whoa!" goes the crowd.

Yes, it is a rather fascinating phenomenon. Write out your numbers. It looks better and shows you can spell them.

I think I'm going to go over tensing again, just so we're clear.

This is good: "I said this, he replied that, we did this, it was that, this happened."

This is bad: "I said this, he replies that, we does this, it's that, this is happening."

This is good: Isabella is giggling nervously, wringing her hands. OR Isabella giggles nervously, wringing her hands.

This is bad: Isabella is giggling nervously, and wrung her hands. OR Isabella giggles nervously, and wrung her hands.

Pick a tense and stick with it. Pretty please.

Um… what else, what else…?

"OCs?" suggests Phineas.

Naw, I don't care too much about that. Just if they're Mary Sues. Don't make your OCs Mary Sues, okay folks?

"Plot holes?" Isabella offers.

Um… sure. Make sure you have an idea where your story is going so as not to leave any loose ends. Those drive people crazy. Now… anything else? Ferb? Can you think of anything?

The British boy shrugs.

Doofenshmirtz? Wasn't he around here somewhere? Hm… IDK. OH! That's a good one!

Do NOT use texting speech, shorthand, or anything that involves you not writing out the entire word. I know, this generation is as lazy as can be, but at least take pride in your work, and the extra five seconds to push those extra four buttons on the keyboard to make the word dictionary approved. The only time you can use text speech is if the characters themselves are texting or passing notes or something.

Which reminds me: no slang is allowed outside of dialogue (unless in first person). That just makes you look lazy.

"Run ons!" cries a random Fireside Girl.

Thank you… what's your face. She has a very good point. Your sentence structure has a big, BIG impact on how well your story reads. If you have really long sentences that just go on and on like this and they never seem to end and they use 'and' more than twice without the use of commas then you have a problem. Break it up into a bunch of little sentences so the poor reader doesn't feel like they just sprinted through the sentence. Also, make sure your sentences flow, and have some meat on them.

This is a bone sentence: "We ate at the park."

Um, yeah, that's nice, but I don't really care. I don't know who 'we' is, I don't know what you ate, and who gives a darn if you're at the park or not?

This one has meat: "Vanessa and I had a wonderful lunch of watercress sandwiches with the scenic view of the park around us."

Granted, I think sentences like that sound cheesy and stupid, but at least it paints a picture. I'm sure you guys on this site can do better than a bony sentence, and even better than a cheesy sentence that paints a picture, right? Cuz you guys are writers! And this is what we do!

One other thing is that, on this site, it looks very, very ugly when your paragraphs are super big. Try and make your paragraphs short, so they don't appear to be squished. They're very difficult to read when squished. And, please, people, this one you should know from reading Dr. Seuss: different effing dialogue goes in a different paragraph. You do NOT have two people speaking in the same paragraph, EVER! If Isabella is going to confess her feelings to Phineas, Phineas's response must be in a separate paragraph. Like so:

"I really like you, Phineas," said Isabella.

"I like you too," replied Phineas. He twiddled his thumbs. "A lot."

You do NOT run them all together in one big ugly paragraph, okay? That is the worst thing you can do. "So don't do it."

"Fragments," says Unknown Guy.

No, no, this thing is FULL of fragments. I think they're okay because they make for good effect and whatnot. So fragments are A-Okay.

…Well, since that's all I can think of, let me leave you with my big piece of advice: READ YOUR WORK OUT LOUD. It helps, trust me. By hearing what you write, you can catch more errors and make your story more appealing to the eyes and ears. If it sounds awkward when you read it to yourself, then you had better fix it. If you have any questions or are confused about anything, pick up any published book off your shelf and look in it to see if your grammar is correct. You can find a sentence to match what you need in practically any book.

If you happen to do any of the things mentioned above, THIS IS NOT A PERSONAL ATTACK. It's a general attack. On all of you. Just take it as help on whatever you're writing. I want to make everyone on this site the best writer in the whole damn world, and to do that, good grammar is necessary. Remember folks, I am fifteen. I am not some twenty-eight year old who simply has nothing better to do than correct people on the internet about their grammar. I'm still in high school.

Since I'm fifteen years old, and I take the time and effort to make my work look publishable, can't all of you? It's not that hard, really. I'm young, and some of you are older than me. Please take the time to make your stories presentable.

It occurred to me about halfway through writing this that only good writers will click on this for a laugh.

"Well, it seems like something they'd find entertaining," Phineas states.

I'm sick of all these neutral tones. Someone explode.

"MOM!" Candace howls. "Phineas and Ferb are making an angry rant about bad fanfic writers with a big lipped fish!"

There we go!

*AN: Don't really need an AN here, because the whole thing is me talking, but I just thought I'd let everyone know that this is me snapping at one thirty AM. Thus, it's an uncorrected proof. Hopefully I didn't make any super embarrassing mistakes.*