How to write excellent YGO fanfiction

Rating T; Mild language and implied sexual topics, nothing too extreme or graphic but just enough to make the innuendos inappropriate for younger readers.

Everything below this line is to be read with a SARCASTIC tone. If you don't know what one of those is then you shouldn't be here. If you are willing to take this seriously, I have a therapist willing to speak to you on line three…

#1 - The first rule of the YGO fanfiction guide is, you do not talk about the YGO fanfiction guide.

#2 - The second rule of the YGO fanfiction guide is, you DO NOT talk about the YGO fanfiction guide. - sorry. Fight Club reference was necessary.

^ this is the line.

YAOI; there's nothing more sacred

(because all the cool kids write it)

I. Top & Bottom

Or most commonly known as 'Seme & Uke' – these are vital to specify in every single piece of yaoi fiction going for it's the heart and soul of every love story. Even if your fiction isn't set in Japan you still need to mention these two words at least once in the piece of fiction, better yet smother it all over your summary. A character is either a 'Seme' or an 'Uke' never both since this is how all relationships work. No exceptions. If there are exceptions there must be something wrong with you. After all there's a reason why the terms 'Riba/Reba' aren't well known.

You must also stick to the main pairings of this format too. For example in puzzleshipping Yami will always be the seme, it doesn't make logical sense if he's not. Everyone knows he needs to show Yugi how it's done anyway (more on that later) since he certainly did not borrow any form of X-rated video from Jounouchi in the manga. Just didn't happen.

II. Appearance; 'Teh Looks'

Hawt bishies will always go for other hawt bishies. Just the way things work, it's in their nature to go for other 'extremely girly-looking men' as wise words from the noble Marik himself. This means;

X No body hair

X No excess fat – it's all lithely sculpted muscles (no grossly bulging ones)

X No sore bottoms, talc powder has another use too don't you know?

I mean, who'd want to read about how real men do it anyway? That's just plain disgusting – who suggested that anywho? The only real men we know of play card games since they are, after all, SURIOUS BIZNUSS

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The Uke; In order for this piece of yaoi to be hot/popular/fawned after it will need to have an extremely feminine-youthful looking uke. Make them look almost childlike and stress the innocence of this pathetic creature before your seme deflowers them once more. Hold that, make them look insanely young, think a young child who has absolutely no idea what's going on so they can use those beautiful doe-eyes/puppy eyes to perfect effect. You must describe your character's eyes as "orbs." They are no longer ovals or circles, they are "orbs". Yugi doesn't have those arch-window shaped eyes for nothing don't you know which is exactly what Kazuki Takahashi was getting at when designing the main character of this wonderful series. Since they're so inexperienced on the matter all they have to do is lie there, pant and moan anyway so it works both ways. They're normally the more emotional of the two so try having them cry tears of joy if you want the fic to be truly poetic and b-e-a-utiful.

If you're feeling very daring, how about dress them up as a woman? Not replace them with a real woman, just make them look like one. There's a massive difference. Guy-on-guy action will always win out no matter what those weird people in this 'real world' say. It's a well known fact that having the female pink gender symbol next to a character's profile instantly makes them inferior in every way to the male hawtt bisheh characters.

Main contenders for this category are; Ryou Bakura, Joey Wheeler & Yugi Motou

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The Seme; Not much needs to be said about this guy, he can dress like a bum for all that it matters just as long as he's not dressed as femininely as his uke. Dress him as an ice king/hot rod bad ass/burger boy whatever just make sure he's more of the 'handsome' type than the 'cute' type. Use more forceful adverbs when describing his movement as 'aggressively' and 'wrathfully' - there is nothing hotter than a threatening and controlling boyfriend in yaoi for someone needs to keep that jumpy little uke under observation, at all times. Stalking = love.

Expert hint; Leather pants go down well, very well since they'll fit any man that comes along.

It's always an idea to stretch him out on a wrack to make sure he is at least one-head taller than his bottom counterpart for this is like an neon sign to every fangirl surrounding them that he's the seme. You don't want people to get confused do you?

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Puzzleshipping, Tendershipping & Bronzeshipping

^ The fantastic thing about these shippings is; IT'S ALREADY DONE FOR YOU. Each one of their counterparts has a slightly more submissive side and as for the appearance – do I really need to explain?

. Yami Yugi – grows a few extra inches due to puberty power

. Yami Malik – MOAR MUSCLE. MOAR MEAT

. Bakura – more er... personality? if it existed in the first place

(seriously, what is hotter than lusting over someone who looks exactly like you? Narcissism never looked so good, pun intended)

Main contenders for this category are; Yami Bakura, Yami Yugi, Yami Marik …oh & Seto Kaiba.

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Expert tip; Whether you're describing the appearance of your Uke or Seme, remember this. Describe everything in great detail (especially clothing). You wouldn't want your readers to think you're slack would you? Comment on style of hair, amount of jewellery, the number of studs on Kaiba's new duster etc. If you can't find at least fifteen different adjectives to describe their hair alone then I'm sad to say that your fiction will be a complete and utter failure. People love in-depth descriptions on 'teh looks' of every outfit they wear so dedicate entire lengthy paragraphs to doing so.

III. Doing It; 'Making the Perfect Lemon tart'

This is what everyone is reading your M fiction for, not the gripping plot, not the author's notes - the hot juicy antics of bishies screwing each other over again and again. It's no good if it's only implied, people want to read every minor detail of the love making between these two characters. Nothing is off limits in fanfiction when it comes to lemons. EVAR!

The word 'rape' doesn't not belong in fiction lingo for everyone asks for it. Yes, everyone. Even if they don't physically say 'hey there, you up for it?' the way they dress means they want it (see Appearance) and by the end of it the guy will always end up finding that his rapist was actually doing it becus of LUV! We all know that Ryou and his gorgeous looks is just asking for a good 'seeing to' from Yami Bakura, it's inevitable and completely true.

Nothing is considered kinky, nothing. If you have a knife fetish then all it takes is a bit of a mature understanding from the other side to welcome the idea of having cold, sharp objects on the skin. It shows pure luv if the partner is willing to accept these terms (even if it means booking a permanent bed at the local Domino hospital).

III.i The result of it? Mpreg

Ovaries? Womb? Cervix? – who needs them to make offspring anyway? We've already established that a woman's purpose in a yaoi fanfiction is to nag, whine and try to split up teh happy couple so let's remove their entire role in the human race to reproduce and have babies too. It doesn't matter that it's anatomically impossible for the male gender to get pregnant for after all - the rules of the universe can always be stretched if you ask it nicely.

Birth control does. not. exist. It just doesn't, or it can be mentioned but will always be shunned since the idea of safe sex is extremely offputting to an awesomely raunchy scene. It's pure chance that guys don't get pregnant every time they're at it wit dere boyfriend for it is inevitable for a guy at a certain time of the month (no, not that). No explanation needed as to how they got knocked up, that's all down to the romping session. Stuff it full of angsty weepy ukes and you're set to go.

IV. Plot; what plot?

It's obvious why I've put this section at the bottom; plot isn't required. Sure if you're a literacy genius then write a few lines of introduction, say who's bedroom it is etc. but nothing major. Your readers already know the two are destined to be together from word of holy divine so just cut to the chase and get them to confess their feelings. Trust me, it'll save you so much time and effort (not to mention your word count) just ignoring this whole issue altogether. Throw in a pick up line and start from there, people just adore being the subject of them.

IV.i Universe; No, not the one with sparkly dots in it

Always always go for AU. There's not enough 'wiggle' room in space for actually setting the characters in their canon environment. Heh! How boring, why not stick them in the beautiful region of High School where its completely socially acceptable for two hot guys to make out with each other by the lockers and the only stares they receive are that of envy/admiration depending on which gender is looking at them. Plus this is the perfect location to run into that bitchy Ex that's been stalking our couple since the beginning since all Ex's are bitches for all they do is be abusive/cheat on a person. No one stays on friendly speaking terms with one of these creatures, all they want is to ruin the happy couple's erm happiness by being the uber fat, uber slutty and uber flirt that they are.

Main contender for the 'bitceh jelus ex'; Téa Gardner (le gasp, a woman!)

It doesn't matter where you set the story, just make sure the only requirement you have nearby is a bedroom or a quiet secluded corner. It can be totally nonsensical but make sure you focus on the two confessing their feelings (review IV. Plot; what plot?), not the location in which they're doing it, have them do it somewhere extremely romantic/alluring though. No one wants to read about confessing your one true love through a mouthful of pot noodles in a secluded warehouse somewhere. Do it by a fountain, a beach, a bedroom - am I getting myself over to you?

V. Character Development; Currently Undiscovered

Don't even get me started on this myth called 'character development'. If you cannot submit proof via a legal representation then it falls under the category of myth. Don't bother contacting Mythbusters about this weird phenomenon either, they're too busy hurling frozen chickens at airplane windscreens.

In fact, I refuse to write more than 100 words on this. (Don't try counting it, it's currently 92) The closest I ever advise you to go with development is explain that the character has changed clothes into something much SEXIAR. Nothing more. Move along

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Just follow all of these rules to the letter and you should have yourself one very fine Yaoi piece

I can honestly say I have no problem with Yaoi, at all; love is love no matter which body you're in.

I was just amused to make a list of all the features that appeared to crop up far too often for it to be healthy so please don't make yourself look ignorant by posting rude comments in the reviews box, it will only make you look stupid. This is all meant in good humor and don't forget Sturgeon's Law when reading these (90% of everything is crap) meaning that some people can make these work even without the sarky tone.

Now, after my next chapter of How to write Het fiction would you rather me touch on;

A) Cycle through characters

B) Individual pairings in detail

C) Plotline