As the familiar basement comes into your view, you find She Who Shines grinning maniacally. She looks, without a doubt, fiendishly delighted.
"My, you reviewers are going to be the death of me," she says excitedly. "But it's going to be a fun death, I'm sure. Thanks so much for all your super fast reviews; I can normally update much more quickly because of them. Sorry it took me so long this time... Mother's day and all, you know. Oh, and there has been some confusion as to how many questions you're 'allowed' to ask; well, you can ask however many you feel like to however many characters. So long as they showed up in Hogfather, I'm good."
She turns to the sulking crowd before her and pulls out her cue cards.
"Alright, let's mix it up. Teatime's first!" The Assassin looks up in surprise, rather curious. "This question is from duchess-susan to you: Why do you love your knife so much?"
"It's sharp," he answers, in a voice that could have just as easily been replying to the question 'why do you love air so much?'. "It's small, so I can fit it wherever I like. It's practical and unpretentious. It's not fancy, or overly done. It's elegant and simple, and very lightweight. I've had it for a very, very long time. In a sense, it's the closest thing I have to family."
She Who Shines is momentarily nonplussed. She coughs, flipping through the cue cards.
"Moving on... Well, this question is from aicerkul to you once again: Would you mind telling us how you lost your eye?"
Teatime grins brightly.
"Yes."
SWS blinks.
"I don't think it was meant as a yes or no question," she manages.
"It was asked if I minded. I do," he chirps.
SWS takes in a deep breath.
"How did you lose your eye?"
She isn't about to start letting these characters actually get away with not answering their questions.
"They never really worked," the Assassin shrugs.
"What didn't?" Susan snaps.
"My eyes. Everything was all blurry and colorless. So I cut one out," everyone in the room flinches at the thought, "and got a new one." Teatime grins proudly, "The world's lots nicer looking now; very sharp and colorful. I like my black one better."
"Yes, me too," SWS adds. "Well, I mean, I like you having a black glass eye rather than a gray one. It's just creepier. And cooler, too, so I take that from the movie rather than the book. Ooo, have any of you seen the movie?"
"Well, since we've been trapped here over night with nothing better to do and that odd box thing was sitting in front of us with 'Hogfather' playing," Susan growls, "yes, we watched the bloody movie."
"What'd you think?" SWS asks excitedly.
THERE WAS FAR TOO MUCH CHEMISTRY BETWEEN MR. WARREN AND MISS. DOCKERY, Death replies. I CAN'T IMAGINE IT REALLY HAVING BEEN LIKE THAT. CORRECT, SUSAN?
There is a stern silence as Susan glares at the ground.
SUSAN? Death practically begs helplessly.
"I hate him, Granddad," she growls.
Death isn't quite sure if that is a proper answer.
"I felt that the scene was portrayed rather well," Teatime chirped. "Though, if we are going by the book, I was much closer when I first saw her, and I asked for her name."
"I love that show to bits and pieces, but I hate how they cut the 'fire from the gods' lines," SWS sighs. "They were so witty."
"What?" Susan asked. " 'We've already got fire' followed by 'there must be an upgrade by now'?"
"Wait, I'm getting ahead of myself," She Who Shines realizes, ignoring the duchess. "No one actually asked about the movie. Back to the cue cards... Alright, Teatime, this is from aicerkul again: Do you like or dislike inhuming with poison?"
"I'm not sure if that method could really be entitled inhuming," he replied. "It's so... detached. There's no fun in it. Place a bit of arsenic in someone's tea and they drop dead an hour later. No knifing, no stalking, no pleasant conversation, no cutting, no bleeding, no screaming, no fun."
He crosses his arms and shakes his head sadly. Quoth shuffles to the side nervously. Susan stares at him in utter disbelief.
"Just when I think you can't possibly get any worse, you open your mouth and I realize that you're twice as crazy as I thought you were. Every bloody time."
"So you say?" Teatime asks curiously, eyebrows raising. "Hmm. Perhaps so. I don't mind, though, so long as I have fun. I guess I just see things differently from other people," he shrugs.
"...To put it lightly," Susan grumbles, resting her chin in her hands as she glares at the ground.
"Next question!" SWS pipes. Then she groans. "Oh dear, here we go. This question is from sylphxpression, for you again Teatime: Since we seem to have quite a bit in common (a near inability to really feel emotion, a sadistic nature, the ability to be fatally charming, a lack of friends and family who aren't terrified of us, and a general vote for being totally evil, an ability to move unnoticed very dangerously close to people) would you consider marrying me?" – Susan sputters – "C'mon. We would have some of the most interestingly psychotic children ever, and I'm sure we would manage if they turned on us." SWS shakes her head, "I really wasn't expecting proposals this early on."
"Marriage?" Teatime blinks. "I've never considered such a thing." He cocks his head thoughtfully. "I'm afraid I am not currently interested in romance of any sort. But I have had plans of inhuming certain anthropomorphic personifications for quite some time now, and more recruits would be quite useful. Care to join me?"
She Who Shines sighs, realizing that he wasn't talking to her. She glares at you.
"Well, answer ASAP, sylph," she growls, then flips her cue cards aggressively.
"What's the matter with the people here?" Susan calls. "Teatime is a psychotic Assassin who has no care for human life, murders – "
"It is inhume, Susan."
" – for amusement, has killed countless individuals, has admitted to drowning cats and singeing dogs, is twisted to the very core, is incredibly childish, and has no virtues beyond a false, sticky charm, well trained wit, and genius."
"Did you just say that I was a charming, witty genius?" Teatime asks curiously.
"Directly after I called you a sick, twisted and juvenile sociopath!" Susan bites back.
"Irrelevant," the Assassin dismisses, grinning. "I didn't know you thought so highly of me."
"I don't!"
"Yes you do."
"Don't!"
"Do."
"Do not!"
"Oh, you do."
Death glanced back and forth between them helplessly.
"You're both acting like five-year-olds!" Quoth squawks, ruffling his feathers. "I'd expect better from you, Susan."
"Not from me?" Teatime pouts.
"Uh..." Quoth wasn't quite sure what to say.
"Moving on!" SWS interrupts before it can get ugly. "This question is from coffee-mill: What is your favourite way to inhume people? And least favourite?"
"Oh, that's an easy question," the Assassin chirps gleefully with a happy grin as he crosses his legs (he is currently sitting on a crate that popped out of nowhere a few minutes ago). "I do very much love to" – CENSORED – "and" – CENSORED – "and" – CENSORED – ", but when it comes down to it, my favorite way to inhume is the direct stab. It is quick, reliable, distills the correct amount of fear beforehand… of course, it is also terribly uncreative. Still, it is my favorite in the same way vanilla is often people's favorite flavor of icecream." Everyone cringes at this most… unique analogy. "You like to taste all the fancy ones most of the time, but you keep finding yourself coming back to the plain original. My least favorite way to inhume is by poison, for previously stated reasons."
She Who Shines coughs nervously.
"This is from coffee-mill again. Do you have any other interests besides inhuming people?"
"I do enjoy imagining inhuming people, and planning how to inhume people as well," he offered helpfully.
Susan bursts out laughing, mentally screaming 'I knew it!'. She is blatantly ignored by Teatime.
"Anything else?" SWS begs desperately.
"Cooking is an excellent pastime. I think I am rather adequate at that hobby," he put in. Several jaws drop.
"You like cooking?!" Susan calls.
"Why yes. I enjoy creating crepes, ommlettes, parfaits, stews, soufflés, hot chocolate… et cetera. I also love to learn and am very well rounded. I immerse myself in history, have studied math… I rather ignore physics, though."
EEK CHEEP CHEEP, Death of Rats grumbles.
HE SAYS 'IN MANY, MANY WAYS', Death translates for once.
She Who Shines nods in agreement as she flips through her cue-cards.
"Okay, so we've finished up all your questions, Mr. Teatime. We're going to Susan now." Susan grumbles incomprehensibly. "This is from duchess-susan to... well, Duchess Susan: Why do you love your poker so much?"
"It's heavy. It's metal. It is easily accessible and almost always available. It hurts," Susan replies in a low, dark voice.
"She is highly correct," Teatime adds. "It hurts very much. And were Susan not proficient in that easily accessible and almost always available weapon, she'd be dead." The cheery chirpy tone of his voice really doesn't fit what he is saying. "I had her cornered."
"Yes, but you're the dead one, Teatime," Susan bites back.
"I seem very much alive to me."
EEK SQUEAK EEK PEEP! Death of Rats squeaks angrily.
"He says don't you two start again," Quoth translates.
Susan rounds on She Who Shines.
"You did this!" she growls. "It took more effort than you could possibly imagine to get this psycho out of the way, and now you bring him back! What were you thinking? What do you plan to do? Just drop him back onto the disc to wreak havoc?"
"Um, I haven't really thought that far..." SWS mumbles. "I guess return him to the land of the dead, whatever that may be."
"No," Teatime says simply, shaking his and standing. "No, you won't be doing that." He glanced at Susan and grinned; "I'm glad you found me suitably challenging, at the very least. It's nice to know I went out with a bang."
"Look, you can inhume me later," She Who Shines calls desperately, "but please can we finish this session?" She holds out a bag of ginger cookies. "Aicerkul sent these. Let's just eat and be happy while I interrogate you."
The cookies smell excellent. Like really, really heavenly.
Death of Rats has somehow already gotten to them, and the cheese. Death chews one thoughtfully. Quoth eats some of the liver packaged with it in satisfaction.
"Not quite eyeballs, but nevertheless…" he squawks.
Susan rolls her eyes and holds up a hand.
"I'm not in the mood," she grumbles when SWS offers her some ginger cookies. Teatime takes one while SWS begins her next question.
"This is a question from aicerkul to you, Susan: if you had the choice between Lobsang and imp whou would you rather marry?"
Susan blushes fervently. Teatime raises a brow and grins, watching intently. Susan sees, and looks about to start another squabble between the two of them.
I'M ACTUALLY RATHER INTERESTED IN THE ANSWER TO THIS QUESTION, Death puts in. PLEASE, DO GO ON, SUSAN.
Susan shoots a nasty look the Assassin's way, but proceeds to answer and abandons her previously planned verbal attack.
"First off, I adore Imp. He is a sweet, kind, gentleman and our time together will always have a dear place in my heart," she replies smoothly. "But I was sixteen, it was summer, and it is done now. Long passed and long remembered and sometimes longed for, but done. And I am not romantically interested in Lobsang. No way, no how. Nope." Her cheeks are growing redder. "I mean, when I think about him I certainly don't feel warm and silly. That's just in fairytales. And I don't love the way he smiles. And I – " she cuts herself off, wipes the nervous, shaky grin that has spread across her face into oblivion, and grows serious, attempting to make her cheeks pale and birthmark disappear. "I hope that answers your question," she finishes calmly.
Teatime looks thoroughly amused.
"Why, Susan. You do have a heart, and you fell for two. Here I was thinking you were so very cold."
She glares at him.
"I'm not the one who brutally murders people."
"At least I use proper speech. And I'm always very polite, which is more than can be said about you." He grins lopsidedly, "But you're in love!"
The Assassin could have danced with glee as Susan stood to her feet, fists clenched, face burning, and looks ready to murder.
"And would you want to have children yourself?" SWS spits out hastily, hoping it will distract the duchess. "That's from aicerkul again."
Susan glares at Teatime coldly, flexing her fists.
"I teach children. I do not intend to ever have any of my own, or marry. But the future is unknown. For the most part."
INDEED. SOMETIMES I HAVE VERY VIVID MEMORIES OF THE FUTURE.
"If only I could do that…" Teatime muses thoughtfully. "It would be so very intriguing."
Susan shivers, trying not to think of all the things the crazed Assassin would use that talent for. Then she mentally thanks the gods that he doesn't have it.
YES, WELL… IT'S A TRAIT BELONGING TO MYSELF, Death manages uncomfortably. AND PROGENY.
"This question is from sylphxpression again," SWS says.
"Wait," Susan cuts off, raising a hand. "This is the girl who proposed to him?" The duchess jabbed a thumb Teatime's way.
"Um, yes."
"Go on," she groans.
"Wouldn't you be terribly lonely if the whole gang really did just "Left you alone and stopped bothering you?" You seem to long for weirdness.... Otherwise why freguent Biers?"
Susan opens her mouth, then closes it. She opens it again, makes a short 'I' sound, then grinds her teeth. Finally, she folds her arms grouchily.
"A little loneliness never hurt anyone," the schoolteacher grumbles.
"Yes, I think I'm a fine example of that," Teatime puts in cheerfully. "I have known quite a bit of loneliness, and it hasn't messed with me at all, I don't think."
Susan glances at the Assassin uncomfortably.
"On second thought…" she mumbles, shakes her head, and finally speaks fully once more. "I go to Biers because it's there, and I don't stick out like a sore thumb. There different is normal, for once."
"Would not being with Death and Albert and Death of Rats and Quoth make you normal, too, then?" the Assassin asks curiously.
"Shut up."
Death sighs sadly.
YOU REALLY DO WANT ME TO LEAVE AND NEVER COME BACK, DON'T YOU? he asks with slouched shoulders.
"Granddad, it's just…" Susan tries, faltering and trailing off.
I REALLY DO TRY, SUSAN. I'VE COME AND ALWAYS TRY TO BRING GOOD CONVERSATION. I OFFER ADVICE AND GIVE SUGGESTIONS. I LISTEN TO YOUR TROUBLES AND TELL YOU ABOUT MINE. I HAVEN'T HAD MUCH OPPORTUNITY TO DISAPPROVE OF YOUR ROMANTIC ENDEAVORS, BUT I CAN BE CERTAIN TO DO EXCELLENTLY THERE. BUT… I JUST FEEL LIKE I CAN NEVER DO ANYTHING RIGHT WHEN IT COMES TO BEING YOUR GRANDFATHER.
SQUEAK EEP, Death of Rats offers.
"He says 'he really does try, Susan'," Quoth translates lazily.
"You never do get it right, Granddad," Susan sighs. "But… but I would miss you if you never came back." She offers a small smile, "I still have that Hogswatch card you made me. It's on my mantel – the one with the robin that wouldn't stay on."
"I could think of several ways to get that accomplished," Teatime mentions.
"I think he wanted it alive, Teatime."
"Oh, that's easy enough! You just have to – "
The duchess can tell from the glint in his eye that she doesn't want to know.
"Don't, please," Susan calls, holding up her hands in desperation.
YES, I REMEMBER… Death sighs happily, thinking of that one moment of peace with his granddaughter over the Assassin's dead body. YOU REALLY LIKED IT?
"It was… very unusual. But, yes. Yes, Granddad, I liked it very much."
Death beams brightly.
"Oh," SWS remembers, "Gothgirlreid wanted me to give you a kitten." She takes a tiny, fuzzy chocolate-colored kitten hardly bigger than a baseball out of her purple jacket's huge pocket. She Who Shines passes the purring thing into Death's skeletal hands. "Here y'are."
OH… YOU MUST THANK HER FOR ME. WHAT A LOVELY KITTEN. I BELIEVE I SHALL CALL HER REID, IN GOTHGIRLREID'S HONOR.
Reid batted her eyes in tiredness. About then…
"A cat? How intriguing!" Teatime chimed with a maniacal grin as he popped up beside Death, eyeing the kitten dangerously. "May I hold it? I do have a way with animals."
Susan could swear that she is seeing his knife glint in one of his hands, but it disappears from her sight before she can blink. Death pulls the cat to his chest protectively. She Who Shines coughs nervously, then flips her cue-cards over.
"Coffee-mill wants to know what your favorite drink is, Susan," SWS says simply.
"Tea," she answers without blinking. There was hardly a pause between the host's words and hers. "Tea and cocoa."
"What a funny coincidence! I happen to very much love hot chocolate," Teatime observes.
Susan now realizes that she will never be able to drink the substance again without puking, and is thoroughly depressed about it.
"Coffee-mill to you again, Susan: Ever got drunk & did something incredibly inappropriate?"
"No!" Susan scoffs. "No, not ever." Then her cheeks redden. "Well, there was… no. No, no, no."
"Honesty's the best policy, Susy dear," SWS can't resist chiding. She immediately regrets it and is thankful that a wide eyed Death is able to hold his granddaughter back from strangling her.
"See, Susan? Even you have violent tendencies," Teatime points out.
"Mine – are – justified!" she growls, fighting viciously.
CALM DOWN, SUSAN. WE'VE ONLY GOT TO ANSWER SO MANY MORE QUESTIONS AND SHE'LL LET US GO. BESIDES, EVEN IF YOU DO GET HER, SHE'LL JUST MAKE YOU SHRIVEL UP INTO PAPER AGAIN.
Susan sags, and Death tentatively releases her. She still has a terrible glare aimed the hostess' way, and SWS cowers slightly under it, but continues nevertheless.
"You really ought to answer the question," she manages to peep.
NO, Susan growls with great finality, glaring at the poor girl darkly.
She Who Shines has no room to argue, and nods slowly.
"Okay. So… um… well… moving on to Death. This question is from duchess-susan: would you take a scythe to the auditors if you could get away with it?"
As much as a skeleton can, Death grins, the tips of his fingers slowly tapping the opposite.
TO TAKE A SCYTHE TO THE AUDITORS WOULD PROBABLY BE ONE OF THE MOST ENJOYABLE ACTIVITIES OF WHICH I HAVE TAKEN PART IN THE LAST FEW CENTURIES.
"This next question is from Gothgirlreid."
AH, THE YOUNG MISS RESPONSIBLE FOR YOU GIVING ME THE KITTEN?
"Mmhmm, that's right. Here's what she has to say: You are one of my favourite characters, and I think you're fantastic, but why is your house a cottage? I would have expected it to be some sort of castle or something, but a cottage actually works better. I was just wondering why you chose it. I hope She Who Shines lets you have a kitten :)."
ER, WHY THANK YOU, Death says, sounding very flattered and pleased. THANK YOU INDEED. AS FOR THE COTTAGE, WELL, A CASTLE SEEMS VERY FOREBODING, DOES IT NOT? I HAD HOPED FOR SOMETHING MORE QUAINT AND ELEGANT.
"Elegance… such an elusive term. I am still working to master that," Teatime sighs wistfully.
BEYOND THAT, A CASTLE WOULD BE CLICHÉ. I TRY TO AVOID SUCH THINGS.
"I thought you specifically tried to be cliché, Granddad," Susan says in astonishment. "I mean, 'Cower, brief mortals!'?"
Death shifts uncomfortably.
WELL, ER, YES… I DO THEM BOTH. NOW AND THEN.
She raises a brow, shaking her head and pursing her lips.
"Death, this question is for you from aicerkul: would you mind if susan and teatime started dating? or more?"
Susan chokes on air. Teatime looks rather curious. Death of Rats almost looses his lower jaw bone. Quoth accidentally pecks the cheese instead of his liver. Death's eyelights turn off for half a second.
COME AGAIN? he asks helplessly.
"Would you mind if susan and teatime – "
OF COURSE I'D MIND! NOT ONLY AM I PATERNALLY OBLIGATED TO DISAPPROVE OF MY GRANDDAUGHTER'S ROMANTIC INTERESTS, BUT… TEATIME?!
"Not that I have any wish to begin a romantic relationship with Miss. Sto-Helit, but surely I am not so terrible?" the Assassin asks, sounding slightly dejected.
"You're a bloodthirsty psychoki – " Susan cuts herself off for half a second, "psycho-inhumer who… oh forget it. I'm tired of insulting you. How about we stick with this: yes, you are so terrible. You're horrible, in fact."
"Oh, dear. And I thought I was so very careful when it came to social interactions…" he shook his head sadly. "I just don't have the knack for that sort of thing, I suppose."
"You're so adamantly against a relationship between those two?" SWS asks Death curiously. "In most fanfictions you're either supportive or slightly shocked, but overall indifferent."
WELL… I SUPPOSE IF THAT'S WHAT SUSAN REALLY WANTED, AND MR. TEATIME MADE HER HAPPY… AND THEY BOTH DO HAVE ODD, UNHUMAN POWERS, AND THEY BOTH DO HAVE A STRANGE FASCINATION WITH/SIMILARITY TO CHILDREN, THEY BOTH ASSERT SUPERIORITY OVER OTHERS AND DON'T REALLY CARE ABOUT MONEY, TEATIME CERTAINLY WOULDN'T JUDGE SUSAN FOR HER ORIGINS... HE'D PROBABLY LOVE THE DEATH IN HER, IN FACT... AND… I SUPPOSE THERE COULD BE WORSE THINGS THAN A UNION BETWEEN MY GRANDDAUGHTER AND SAID ASSASSIN.
Susan gapes in disbelief.
"Granddad?!" she calls. "You can't be serious!"
Death shrugs.
THIS IS ALL ASSUMING THAT YOU ACTUALLY DESIRED SUCH A THING, SUSAN.
The duchess continues to gape. Teatime looks thoughtful, but thoughtful in a such a way that you would think Blind Io had bopped him over the head with the Fist of Enlightenment.
"Indeed, those are all commonalities that we both share, Susan and I," he muses, seeming half confused and half more certain than ever before. It is an odd combination. "And, she is one person I consider, though I know I could defeat her if I so chose, a challenge and equal."
Susan gapes at him next, too shocked to be angry.
"You're not insinuating – ?" she shrieks.
"Not at all, madam. Only considering, only thinking, probing and learning." He grins. "I like doing that."
"Well, stop!"
She Who Shines senses mounting tension.
"Um, well, one more question, Death, from sylphxpression: Does it ever occur to you to make friends with mortals outside your family and Albert? I'm sure there are at least a few people who'd love to get to know you."
Death cocks his head thoughtfully.
WHY, THE THOUGHT NEVER OCCURRED TO ME, he says in astonishment. PERHAPS... PERHAPS I SHALL. MORTALS CAN BE VERY INTRIGUING, VERY KIND, AND VERY INTERESTING INDIVIDUALS. IN GENERAL, HOWEVER, I WOULD GUESS THAT CERTAIN PREJUDICES WOULD GET IN THE WAY OF ANY RELATIONSHIP THEREIN.
"Most everyone has lost someone they love to Death," Quoth agrees ominously.
IS THAT ALL, SHE WHO SHINES? the anthropomorphic personification inquires.
"Yip, that's it for you. Only one more question at all, actually. This for Death of Rats from duchess-susan: Have you ever played chess?"
EEK CHEEP CHEEP PEEP SQUEAK, the tiny, skeletal figure replies. His vocalizations are accompanied by emphatic hand gestures.
"How comes I've not been asked any questions?" Quoth squawks, stepping from claw to claw and ruffling his feathers indignantly.
EEK CHEEP CHEEP PEEP SQUEAK, Death of Rats repeats.
"Um, I don't know. I guess people don't really wonder much about you, Quoth," SWS shrugs.
EEK CHEEP CHEEP PEEP SQUEAK! the little figure says again, placing his hands on his hip bones in frustration.
"But I'm an interesting character! I'm a bird! I can fly! I eat eyeballs! Why doesn't anyone ask me any questions? Is there something wrong with me?"
"Well, people haven't asked Violet, the Tooth Fairy, Billius, the Arch Chancellor Ridcully, the Lecturer in Recent Runes, Medium Dave, Mr. Sydney, Banjo, Mr. Brown, Ernie, Twyla or Gawain any questions, either, so you're not alone."
EEK CHEEP CHEEP PEEP SQUEAK! the Death of Rats practically screeches, stamping a single foot angrily.
"But I deserve some questions."
SWS shrugs.
"Want some more liver?"
"Oh, fine..." he huffs, taking it and chewing indignantly.
"Now could you translate for poor Death of Rats, Quoth?"
EEK CHEEP CHEEP PEEP SQUEAK, the little skeleton says one final time, crossing his arms huffily.
"He says 'yes, I often play chess against the raven'. 'The raven' meaning me."
PEEP EEK.
"He says 'it's about time'."
"...And that's a good point," SWS agrees. "It's about time we wrap things up. I think I've covered everyone's questions, but I've gotten so many that I'm not too sure. If I did miss one, just re-ask it and I'll hit it next time, I promise. And feel free to ask as many questions as you like, to anyone who showed up in Hogfather. It'll be tons of fun! Ooo, maybe you guys could dare the characters. I could make them do things. That'd be fun." She Who Shines pauses her rant, realizing how evil she's sounding. "Oh dear. I'm pretty darn awful. I guess that's why I'm sometimes called Draculina, the Bloodthirsty Author. Aw well. I hope you've enjoyed the show, and do leave some questions – this is gonna be FUN!"
"Somehow," Teatime says to Susan with a cheerful grin, "I have the terrible suspicion that what qualifies to our hostess as 'fun' will be quite the opposite to ourselves."
Susan nods gravely.
"For once, I agree with you."
Death watches curiously, then waits for the disc to explode. I mean, Susan saying something amicable to Jonathan Teatime?! LUDICROUS!
The room fades, and once again you are before your screen.
Well? What are you waiting for? Review!