Alrighty folks here's the obligatory 'I dont own Dragonball Z or any of its characters' and all that jazz. And now, on with the story - A Romantic Comedy...with Cyborgs.

Fools fall in.

"This is no Bridget Jones." - Kill the Director by The Wombats

Krillin had seen the end of the world more than 5 times. He had fought for his life and the lives of others against unbeatable odds, repeatedly lost his best friends, been shot at, beaten, and killed. Twice. But the fear and unease he felt at this moment was far greater than any he'd felt when standing face to face with whatever new horror the universe had decided to unleash (be it effeminate space lizard or giant monkey). It had been 4 days and he hadn't seen Master Roshi touch one piece of pornography (or himself for that matter) once.

None. Nil. Zip.

Surely this was the first sign of the Apocalypse.

Standing over by the open living room window, he observed his old mentor pottering around before finally deciding on paying attention to the film he was watching. The PG rated film he was watching. Wrong. Just plain wrong. He shook his head and turned away. The sun was low in the sky, and he could feel the soft breeze getting chillier with the onset of dusk. The sounds of the sea lapping gently at the shore soothed. It was peaceful. It had been peaceful for a while now. Precisely, thought Krillin, five months, one week, three days and god only knows how many hours. Life had been quiet and uneventful since what happened all those months ago, the battle with Cell. The serene state of things had made getting on with life a little easier, but emotions were still rather raw for all involved –especially those closest to…

He let out a tired sigh. It had been five months, one week, three days (and all of those wretched hours) since Son Goku had died at the Cell Games. And oh, how he missed him. Loved him and missed him and had been angry with him at first…but he forgave. He always forgave. That much at least had rubbed off on him from Goku. As frustrating as it was, he respected his friends decision, (for the most part, so far anyway,) and a part of him knew that his friend had been right in his reasoning that he caused all the trouble in his loved ones lives. Always the martyr. He had everything, and then let it go for the sake of others, the greater good and all rest that came with being the hero gig. The monk chuckled to himself; he wouldn't have done it. That was for sure. Well, not if he had as much to loose as Goku had. Wife. Child. The whole shebang.

But as fate would have it - he didn't.

A fresh new wave of depression swept over the monk. He banged his head against the lintel. He had bugger all, just a house on an island with a perverted geriatric. Friends and loved ones, yes. A girlfriend… lover….no. As per usual. As per always.

But he did have… memories of a mocking kiss; an unconscious form in his arms. Her.

He looked up towards the horizon. Android 18. Cold and unimpressed, dangerous and beautiful and so far out of reach. A sad smile played on his lips as he thought about her. He was so sure hadn't felt this way about any woman before, from the moment she's first spoken to him…kissed his cheek…there had been something....

It hadn't been there from first sight of course – at that point he'd been too busy trying to calculate his chance of survival (and control the urge to just faint). Whatever he tried to tell himself, that it was just a tiny spark of attraction, a little crush…a voice in his head told him otherwise. To hold onto it; this strange new feeling. It…it was love it just had to be, because, pondered Krillin, that would be frustratingly cruel of fate. And from past experience, fate was almost explicitly cruel when he was concerned. He was a walking talking definition of Sod's Law. Yes, she was beautiful, and yes, she was aloof to everything, but she was his. Or more accurately, he was hers. She had his love and affection and hopes and the pieces of his heart when he would finally give up on her in the end. He was a realist masquerading as an optimist. 18 was unattainable, she was not meant for love, but to admit that and acknowledge it….that could wait a little while longer.

Not that he could attempt to make anything happen between them, the android and her brother had apparently disappeared from the face of the planet. He had looked, not thoroughly, but earnestly. When he'd been in the cities, shopping, or running errands, he'd searched. The woman was a mystery. He knew so little about her or even 17. It looked as if he'd never find her; he doubted she even cared if he ever did.

Never mind.

He shivered as a cold breeze blew in from across the sea. Shutting the window and turning around, he saw that the sofa in front of the television was vacant. Roshi had disappeared, leaving his film on. He chuckled to himself as he saw a chubby, curly haired boy in a Hawaiian shirt on the screen jiggling about to appease his friends. Things were slowly getting back to normal…or as normal as it could possibly get.

His train of thought came to an abrupt halt when he heard raised voices from the kitchen. Then a loud 'BANG' followed by some choice swearwords from Oolong.

Intrigued, Krillin quickly and silently walked to the kitchen door, catching snippets of the manic conversation, a conversation being held in a very loud series of whispers. Obviously he wasn't supposed to be hearing it. Oolong was upset…angry even with Master Roshi, who was trying his best to talk his way out of something. It's not that bad. Wasn't that bad? How could you? This is ridiculous. Have you any idea who she is?! I was drunk. I wasn't thinking straight. Whisper whisper loud whisper– he raised an eyebrow. The shape shifter and the sensei were in a heated argument, Oolong was holding a rolled up magazine of some sort in his hand, Roshi's glasses were askew. Both were oblivious to him watching them.

"Surely you two can work things out? I mean if you both love each other and all, things will all be alright in the end."

His friends both looked at him simultaneously, each with an identical look of horror on their face. They hadn't noticed him come in; he was leaning against the fridge. The pig let out what sounded like a cross between a choked laugh and a whimper, moving the magazine behind his back. Silence. Krillin crossed his arms and let a confused smile reach his face.

"Guys, what's the matter? Seriously, you're running out of time to hit me with a sarcastic comeback," more silence and expressions of rabbits caught in headlights, he looked at his watch, "Ah, no. that's it, 6 second rule. You're both officially bickering lovers."

Roshi repositioned his glasses, looking anywhere but at his student, "I, we, there was a misunderstanding about, um, some….porn?" he rubbed the back of his head and laughed. Oolong nodded along. Krillin remained unconvinced. There was obviously something up. There had been for days. About 4 days…ever since they had come back from…Urgh that had to be it.

Every so often Roshi and Oolong would head off to Baba's palace for a Poker night full of bickering, gambling and drinking along with her cronies. Krillin had been a couple of times before, but always ended up loosing more money than was fun – he was certain the witch cheated – so never really went back. He knew that Roshi always got much more 'loose' with his money and his tongue when he'd been drinking; Oolong was prone to falling asleep when drunk, so the old man often went unchecked. This was never good. There had been an incident where he'd betted away his cane and his left arm. Oolong waking up in the nick of time had prevented Baba getting a very sadistic 'one-up' on her younger brother. What the hell had happened this time?

"…Did something happen at Baba's palace? Both of you have been acting really weird since, and I'm no expert, but I'm sure a poker night isn't supposed to have this much of a lasting effect on a person."

His friends exchanged glances. Very guilty glances.

"Oh dear god,", he scowled, putting his hands on his hips, the three of them living together in Kame house weren't exactly rolling in cash at the moment and Baba was notorious for her love of money…"how much did you two lose?!"

"Oh boy," Oolong grimaced, "you getting upset at that doesn't really bode well for the rest of this conversation"

"What happened, Oolong."

"I can't say. He did it! I was unconscious…I think. Or preoccupied with staring at her breasts… She had lovely breasts –"

"Oolong! Ssssh"

Krillin stared pointedly at Master Roshi. He'd probably have to fix whatever the old git had done, so there was no point beating about the bush with it. He tapped his foot like an impatient mother about to scold her child. He took a deep breath and calmly said, "Master, please tell me what happened, once it's all out in the open we'll be able to go about finding a solution –"

The old man considered this for a second, then let out a long sigh, "Do you have any strong feelings regarding the colour blue?"

"What? Why would I- hmmf", the monk placed his hand over his eyes and moved it over his head, rubbing his neck, "Okay. Let's go through what happened. One teeny-tiny-baby step at a time. You-"

"I may have accidentally lost you in a bet."

"You…you what?"

"Lost you in a bet….to a demon."

"You lost me in a bet to a demon, you…you lost me in a bet to a demon!?!!"

"She seems like a very nice demon, apart from that definite… Basic Instinct vibe……….."

This was answered with silence and a rather disturbing stare – one that seemed to say 'when I recover from being frozen with pure unadulterated rage, I'm going to hurt you…so very, very horribly.'

Oolong deemed 4 minutes a long enough awkward silence and quipped in with, "She was the one with the nice breasts…just thought I'd let you know."

4 days previously

Sitting round a large poker table in a palace in the middle of a large barren desert, were several very odd people. And by people, I mean that in the very broadest sense of the word. Fortune teller Baba's Poker nights were always a big deal to the inhabitants of her palace and any of her other acquaintances – they were high-stakes, high-alcohol and highly entertaining. The gamblers always kept their fingers crossed that Baba's brother, the Turtle Hermit, would make an appearance; as this always lead to a much more 'lively' game, full of sibling rivalry and dirty tricks. It also meant that Baba would be distracted with defeating her brother, rather than fully concentrating on taking everyone's money. As she always did. All of the time.

The previously mentioned odd people were arguing over who sat wear, trying to organise the seating so that the two elderly siblings faced each other. One large blue-skinned Demon pulled another chair to the table. A bandaged man looked at him quizzically. The demon, one Akkuman by name, simply glowered and shook his head, dissuading the other from any questioning. He was not going to have a good night.

One by one they all sat down; Akkuman (often known to his comrades as Spike), Bandages the Mummy, See-through (who incidentally had an excellent poker-face), Fangs the Vampire and waited for the others to arrive. A little pink ghost in a straw hat flitted about with a little tray of drinks, serving them to the gamblers who chatted amongst themselves – all except Akkuman, who looked extremely exasperated, and sat quietly with his drink. He'd need it. He was in for a very long night.

Eventually, everyone else arrived – a white cat and a short samurai on the chubby side, a pig in trousers and suspenders with an old man in a Hawaiian shirt and of course the Fortune teller Baba herself – and thus the game began. As you can imagine, there was much joking and drinking and a general good humour in the air that lightened up the mood considerably in comparison to just how seriously they were all playing. Nobody wanted to loose, especially to Baba. The raises kept getting higher and higher as the night went on, and by midnight, watches, rings and IOU's were to be found in the middle of the table.

Akkuman was getting tenser and tenser as he watched the clock. Baba looked up over her hand of cards, a wry smile etched on her lined face. She tapped the crystal ball hovering by her side (the others always hated this, but never said anything) and cackled.

"Expecting company Spike?"

He grumbled in reply. The others all turned and looked at him, raised eyebrows. He slumped back in his seat.

"My sister...has invited herself."

Korin chuckled and took a drink, "what's so bad about your sister joining in?"

The small vampire to his left shrugged, "His sister is great...she's a little crazy...but great."

The others all murmured their agreement. Akkuman groaned and turned to the tiny witch. "I have to apologise for my sister intruding. She's been hanging around me much more than usual."

Baba raised her eyebrows quizzically, he shrugged; "she's… been a little out of sorts for a while. Having …relationship problems. She's usually so together, I couldn't say no." he added uncomfortably.

The Oolong looked up from his cards. "Upset eh? Depressed and lonely and in need of comforting? Sure she can play, no problem, nothing better to get over heartache than a little companionship. There's a spare seat next to me-"

He fell immediately silent with a blistering glower from the witch, who then took a quick look down at the crystal ball and snorted, "Well she's almost here. You really should've warned her to put on a bigger shirt since Roshi's here."

The Turtle Hermit looked insulted, or what he thought was an insulted look in his current state of inebriation. To be honest the look was more one of indigestion than hurt.

Krillin pulled up a chair. Folded his arms and continued scowling, "get on with it"

"Okay okay" said Roshi, reaching for a seat for himself.

"No chair for you!"

When Akkuman's sister arrived, Oolong immediately knew she'd be trouble. The demon woman sauntered into the room, high heels clacking across the tiles. She was gorgeous, glamorous and exuded all the vibes of being a complete and utter mess. She had a large goofy grin plastered across her blue-skinned face and a swing in her Hartman-hips that implied she was in a very happy mood, but the mascara smudges under her eyes said otherwise.

"Bon journo boys! ...and Baba."

She slumped down onto the spare chair next to her brother and literally threw herself onto him, hugging him and subsequently planting a kiss on his cheek (much to his embarrassment).

"Get off me"

"Oh shut up," she caught sight of Baba, "Don't worry, I'm not here to spoil the game," she then proceeded to drop a large wad on zeni onto the table, she winked at See-Through, "business at the Rakshasa has been good".

The old witch's eyes lit up. "I'll deal you in Majon dear."

Majon then began to simultaneously flirt with and terrify at the rest of the group. She was loud, she was talkative and (as Akkuman had predicted, much to his dismay) was desperate to glean some sympathy over her recent relationship trauma's.

The woman hadn't even started drinking when she began her tale of woe and missed anniversaries. The men at the table, thanks to both alcohol and the fact Majon was wearing a spectacularly small vest top, all did their best to be sympathetic and supportive. Baba remained quiet.

Majon raised the bet and Master Roshi folded, she regarded him for a moment, yellow eyes squinting. "I thought you'd be coming on to me by now, ma frère says you're a bit of a pervert." She picked up a card. The older man shrugged, "I usually am…"

"But...?"

"I would but..."

She raised a sharp eyebrow, "ah so you're a picky pervert?"

"You're blue."

"…so you're a racist pervert?"

"No! I mean…you're not my type! I mean you've got horns and wings and a tail – nothing good can come of tails! I know, I've seeeeeeen!"

"Wow. I'm insulted. I shouldn't be…in context…but I am."

As the night rolled on, the volume and intake of alcohol steadily rose until the room was filled up with slurred sentences, wild hand gestures, more costly gambles and choicer swearwords. Roshi was getting braver and Oolong was getting sleepier. Majon was getting both louder and visibly more upset (much to Baba's chagrin) with both the problems of her love life and her horrendous loosing streak. She threw down her hand of cards rather violently and reached for a nearly empty glass of water. Roshi had both seen enough of Bulma and Launch (and his dear old sister in their younger years) and their various romantic complications to know what was coming next, however drunk he may be.

"I – I mean I'm just sick. Sick and tired. Sooooo bloody sick and tired of men. Not human men, Demon men. Bastards! All of them. Not you Spike." (She pawed at her brother's face; he was unimpressed) "I'm sure you've met demons mister Roshi man (Roshi stared down into his drink and appeared to be having some sort of flashback)I mean my boyfr- EX boyfriend was a total prick. Seriously. Complete and utter bastardy bastard-face, he lied to me, took me for granted, treated me with NO respect. Wasn't he a dick, Spike?"

"He was. We all believe you, but –"

"Did I tell you he punched me?"

"What?! No. You didn't tell me!"

"Well he did. Don't worry. I punched him back. In the eye." (Her brother at this point looked both shocked and confused.) She huffed and downed the water "Urrrgh! Gawd demon men are just lying ignorant pig-headed arseholes! Give me a human man. A nice unassuming, (probably desperate) human boy to fuss over me and be so grateful I'm with them they'll do anything I want. I want someone for me to vent all of my frustration onto, to boss them about and break their heart. (She slammed her fist on the table) I want my turn as the selfish bitch! I just want my own nice, quiet affectionate guy to use and take for granted and maybe even love a little bit. Is that too much to ask for?"

"So you're saying that you want a punching bag who'll still treat you like a queen at the end of the day?"

"mmhmmm"

Oolong sniggered, "heh, I think I know just the guy."

Yajirobe just shook his head, "Crazy."

The night went on and the final game of the night was coming to a close. Only Baba and Korin left in it. Eventually though, something that had been said reappeared in Majon's mind. She turned to the shape shifter.

"You said you knew just the guy. Who? How is he just the guy?"

"Wha- Krillin? Oh, just really what you were describing: desperate, lonely, broken-hearted and probably more than willing to endure some bullying from you simply because you might hug him at the end of the day and you aren't a dude."

"Is he a nice guy?"

"Heh, yeah. One of the best. He's funny...and oddly clever. If a little short."

"He's short?"

"Very. And um, shaven headed."

"He's bald?... … … cute."

"What, really?"

"Yeah."

"You're an odd type of lady." He replied sleepily, resting his head in his hands.

Roshi cackled, and finished his beer, "Why, do you want him?"

His pig companion chuckled, eyes drooping.

Majon pondered this for a moment, "Yes. Alright. Go on then."

Baba grinned and passed her brother another drink.

"I was joking"

"I wasn't. I mean it, give him to me. He sounds like a nice guy. And you know what?"

"What?" murmured Oolong, his head nearly on the table.

"I think it's time I got up off my tail and started taking chances. Made more spur of the moment decisions"

Her brother stared at her, "buying a person is a bit more than just a spur of the moment deci-ow!"

Baba had hit him across the head, silencing him.

"I'm not going to buy him silly, I'm a fair person. I tell you what Master Mister Roshi-man. I'll play you for him. You bet Krillin and I'll bet this. I see you're out of cash anyway."

She pulled a huge clip of zeni notes out of thin air and placed it in the middle of the table, effectively ending the current game and starting a brand new, significantly more surreal one.

"You want Krillin as your pet boyfriend?" Slurred the Turtle Hermit. He thought of Krillin. He looked at his cash reserves. He looked at the now sleeping Oolong. He looked at the smiling but unfocused demoness. She was gorgeous and on the rebound - he was doing something nice for his friend! Said his inebriated brain. She's been playing terribly all evening anyway. You sir, are a genius.

He did not however, dear reader, stop to consider the fact that loosing to Majon meant that Krillin was essentially going to be owned by a demon. And a not altogether together one at that.

Oh how the drunken mind works.

They shook on it. A promise was made. The hands were dealt, those not drunk enough to pass out from the task held their breath. Oolong snored. Majon grinned. "Oh Roshi, Roshi Roshi. I'll have to let you in on a little secret."

He looked up from his hand. "Ey?"

"I'm afraid that when it comes to cards – (dramatic pause) – I am not left-handed"

"huh?"

The demon woman shuffled the pack with amazing skill.

"You'll get it in a moment, Mr. Montoya."

Righty ho. End of chapter One. This is my first fanfic, so any helpful input is appreciated.

50 points if you recognise the movie references. And I'm sorry about the invisible man/ poker face joke. It had to be done.