Title: Reflections in Water

Author: stella_pegasi

Rating: K+

Word Count:

Spoilers: It would be easier to tell you what wasn't mentioned…suffice to say that if you have watched all of the episodes that either deal with Elizabeth Weir or discuss Weir then it most likely included.

Warnings: Minor bad language, lots of angst, some whump (well, almost have to do whump).

Characters: John Sheppard, Rodney McKay, Ronon Dex, Teyla Emmagan, Jennifer Keller, others, original characters.

Summary: Upon the anniversary of a tragic loss, Sheppard's in pain and his team is distraught at not being able to help him.

Disclaimer: I do not own them; I would have treated them better.

Reflections in Water

By stella_pegasi

Chapter Six

The Warm Rain

Teyla called Miko to watch Torren and after talking with her for a few minutes, she passed her hand across the door sensor to leave. As the door opened, she came face to face with Rodney.

"Oh…Teyla, I was just coming to see you." Rodney looked nervously at her.

"Rodney, I was just coming to find you and Ronon. We must do something about the colonel."

"Yeah…yeah…that's why I am here. We can't let this go on, Teyla. It's not fair, I had a part in what happened to Elizabeth and Jennifer says she's partly to blame as well. She came to me about the nanites. That stubborn, mule-headed…" Rodney stopped, looking at Teyla with pleading eyes.

"We will help him, Rodney. We must get Ronon and then we will go to John." She slipped her hand in the bend of Rodney's arm and tapped her com but Ronon did not answer. She then contacted Amelia to find out where he might be; Amelia thought he was probably in his quarters this late. Teyla and Rodney headed toward the level where Ronon's quarters were located but he caught up with them first.

"We were just coming to get you," Teyla said smiling, "but I believe you also decided that we must see to the colonel."

"Yeah, can't go on like this."

"We agree; let us go see about our friend."

They headed for the corridor on the other side of the building where Sheppard's quarters were located. When they got there, Rodney tried to contact Sheppard on his com but there was no answer.

"Do you think he might have gone somewhere else, maybe on a run?" Ronon asked his teammates.

"I do not think that he would leave; he did not appear to want to talk to anyone." Teyla pressed the chime to see if John would come to the door; they waited, he did not.

Rodney called Amelia, "Check sensors and see if Colonel Sheppard is in his quarters." Waiting for a few seconds, Rodney acknowledged, "Thanks." Turning to Ronon and Teyla, he said, "He's there; we have to break in. Amelia says he's in the shower area and isn't moving."

Rodney manipulated the crystals in the door mechanism and when the door opened all three of them gasped, Teyla uttering a small cry. They were greeted with a room that had been torn apart; furniture turned over, lamps broken, the drapes pulled down. They could hear the sound of water running coming from the bathroom; Ronon ran toward the sound.

Within seconds, he yelled back at them, "Teyla, call Keller. Rodney, find a blanket and get in here!"

As Rodney ripped the blanket from Sheppard's bed, he could hear Teyla calling for Keller to come to the colonel's quarters. Running into the bathroom, he stopped at the threshold, his heart beating in his throat. Ronon was turning off the water, and then gently rolled a ghostly pale John Sheppard over on his back. When he saw the gash across Sheppard's left wrist, he felt faint. He handed Ronon the blanket and Ronon wrapped Sheppard as best he could, gently picked him up and brushed past Rodney, taking Sheppard toward the bed. He could hear Ronon and Teyla talking to Sheppard, trying to wake him up but he was rooted to the spot, staring at the shower floor. Thin streaks of blood had settled into the lines between the tiles, a broken piece of shelf lying on the floor.

"Oh no…no, no… he tried to kill himself." Rodney held on to the door and tried to get the courage to turn around. He stood there for a few more seconds when he heard Teyla calling his name.

"Rodney, get some towels and there should be another blanket in the closet."

He quickly did what Teyla asked and took them to her. Sheppard was nearly the color of the pale blue sheets on his bed; there were dark circles under his eyes, his skin cold and clammy to the touch.

"Is he alive?" Rodney's voice was shaking. Teyla was trying to dry Sheppard's face and hair.

Ronon grunted, throwing away a wet towel and picking up a dry one to finish drying Sheppard's legs, "Yeah, but he's cold."

They could hear the sounds made by the wheels of a gurney coming closer and within seconds, Dr. Keller, Marie, and two EMT's entered Sheppard's quarters. Teyla and Ronon moved back from the bed, Ronon dragging Rodney with him. Ronon quickly informed Keller how he found Sheppard in the shower with cold water running over his torso, a cut on his wrist. Keller did a quick once over and had the EMT's place the colonel very gently on the gurney; once they had him strapped in, Marie began to put in a needle hub as Keller called back to the infirmary.

"I need two bags of saline warmed up and a lot of warm blankets ready when we arrive with the colonel. Get two units of blood ready for him in case we need it and he'll need a head scan. We'll transport in a couple of minutes."

"Jennifer, is he going to be OK?"

"Rodney, I don't know yet. His body temp is a shade below 93° and his breathing and heart rate are slow. I don't know how bad his head injury is and he's lost a lot of blood. Let us get him to the infirmary so that we can find out."

"Jennifer…" Rodney's voice was shaking.

"Rodney, we're going to take good care of him, I promise." With that, the medical team left with their patient, Teyla with them.

Rodney grabbed Ronon's arm and held him back, "Ronon, I think he tried to kill himself; why would he do that? Why didn't one of us stay with him?"

"McKay, I know how it looks but we aren't going to tell anyone that we think that. If Sheppard wants to tell, that's OK, but we aren't, understand, little man."

Rodney nodded; Ronon's large hand squeezed his shoulder and they hurried to the infirmary.

Rodney was pacing and no amount of pleading by Teyla could get him to sit down. They had been waiting for nearly an hour to hear something and Rodney was getting impatient. Jennifer had allowed them into the trauma bay, knowing that she couldn't keep them out without the aid of the Marines and they weren't going to help. The medical staff first worked to get Sheppard's body temperature up and once Jennifer was satisfied that they had turned that corner, she sent Sheppard to the Ancient scanner to evaluate his head injury.

"That's it; I am going to go check on him." Before Teyla could stop him, Rodney strode into the scanning room.

He walked up to Jennifer, "I want to know how he is, now."

"Rodney, I was just coming out, OK. Let us get him back on the bed and we'll bring him out." She motioned for Rodney to go ahead but he didn't budge. Jennifer just shook her head and turned back to her patient.

"Dr. Keller, he's ready." Jennifer looked up at USAF medic Sergeant Leon "Little J" Jones, all 6' 7", 250 pounds of him, and nodded. Sgt. "Little J" as he was known around Atlantis had taken a strong liking to Colonel Sheppard and he would not let anyone else transport or assist the colonel when he was in the infirmary. He wheeled Sheppard into the trauma bay where Ronon and Teyla along with Richard Woolsey were waiting. Dr. Keller, Rodney in tow, walked over to talk to the rest of Sheppard's team.

"First, he is not in any critical danger at the moment and I do not expect any changes. He has lost a lot of blood and has a moderate concussion. We managed to get his body temp up as well as his blood pressure and his breathing is much better. However, his heart rate is still a bit irregular but stabilizing, we still have him on some heart meds but his heart should be fine. Dr. Frankin is going to sew up his wound now. " She looked at them and said, "We need to talk. Come with me, Marie and Little J are with him, he'll fine for a few minutes without you."

Jennifer led them out into the waiting room and motioned for them to sit down. She sighed and seemed uncomfortable; Woolsey realizing Jennifer was having a difficult time asking the question asked it himself. "Do any of you know what happened with Colonel Sheppard this evening?"

Teyla spoke up, "We all know that John has been very upset about the anniversary of Dr. Weir's death. He has not been himself today. However, we do not know what happened between the post-mission briefing and when we found him in his quarters."

Woolsey leaned back in his chair, "Dr. Keller noted the condition of the colonel's quarters. He obviously had some sort of anger issue. He did quite a bit of damage to the furniture and items in there. Then you find him with a pretty serious cut on his left wrist. You've been with him for the last three days; do you think that Colonel Sheppard was distraught enough to attempt to end his suffering?" Woolsey waited, he was certain that neither Ronon nor Rodney were going to take his speculation well.

Rodney was the first to blow, "What the hell are you saying, Woolsey? Are you asking us if John tried to kill himself? How the hell would we know?" With a little less confidence, he asked, "You didn't find a note did you?"

"No, I didn't but we did look for one." It was then that Sheppard's teammates realized that Dr. Ross Warren, the new base psychologist had joined them. Rodney was livid and he jumped up from his chair, moving toward Warren.

"What the hell did you get him for, Sheppard doesn't need a shrink; we'll take care of him."
Rodney's face was flushed with anger; afraid that he would lose complete control, Teyla rose and slipped between the two doctors.

"Rodney, we know that John has been very upset for a while and we do not know what provoked him to be angry enough to take it out on his quarters. Please calm down, Rodney; no one is going to harm John. Everyone here wants to help him get through this."

Dr. Warren, tall with dark blond hair, grey-blue eyes, and a very calm demeanor, spoke quietly, "Dr. McKay, neither I nor Mr. Woolsey are asking in any official capacity here. We both know the consequences for Colonel Sheppard if he should have had some 'thoughts'. Our mistake was to not tell you that before we began this conversation. Atlantis needs the colonel and I suspect that he needs Atlantis as well but most of all he needs his friends. None of what we discuss will be in any record or report. Dr. Keller, Mr. Woolsey and I all agree on that. We want to survive here and I personally think having Colonel Sheppard around will increase those odds."

"Oh, well, that's good then. I see that we all just want what is best for John." Rodney sat back down.

"That's all we want, doctor. Perhaps it was simply an accident; after all, usually you find both wrists slashed in these situations. Regardless, I want to help the colonel if I can. I know he can be stubborn but perhaps you can help persuade him to meet with me when he recovers."

"Dr. Warren, thank you; I believe you are correct. Regardless of the events of this evening, John needs to talk about this. We will try to have him speak with you." Teyla had her arm around Rodney as she spoke. Dr. Warren smiled at her and with a nod to the rest of the group, he left.

Rodney was standing on the dark infirmary balcony, his hand extended beyond the canopy to feel the warm gentle rain that was falling. He hadn't been warm since they had found Sheppard four hours ago and he was relishing the tingle in his body that the warm rain was causing as the spray hit him. He wanted to be dancing in the rain, letting it cover him in warmth.

He was well aware of what they were all thinking, especially Woolsey and Warren; after seeing the destruction John had done to his quarters, they believed that John had reached a breaking point and perhaps couldn't go on. Not for a minute, did he believe that; not for one minute.

Rodney knew that John's moral compass was too strong to end his own life and his dedication to the Atlantis personnel too strong. He would never leave them voluntarily; it was not his nature. But regardless, he was going to protect Sheppard from anyone who wanted to think otherwise.

He reluctantly left the warmth of the balcony and returned to Sheppard's bedside. Ronon was sitting in a chair, his long legs stretched out, arms crossed, his eyes never leaving Sheppard. Rodney sat down in the chair next to him not sure if he should ask Ronon what he thought but he decided to risk it; he wanted to know. However, Ronon asked him first.

"So, you think he tried, McKay?"

"No, do you?" Rodney watched Ronon's stoic face.

"No, he wouldn't leave us. Want some coffee?"

Rodney smiled, "Oh yes, I would love some." Ronon nodded and left Rodney alone with Sheppard.

John's skin color had improved, it was no longer a pale blue but a pale pink; his breathing was much easier and looking at the monitor, Rodney could tell that his heart rate was normal. He hoped that they weathered the latest storm but he was worried. What if he and Ronon were wrong and John had decided he couldn't deal with the pain and guilt any longer? This was his entire fault; it wasn't Sheppard's and he was just going to have to find a way to make him understand. Rodney leaned forward, resting his head in his hands as he tried to figure out how they had gotten to this point.

"Hey…it's not…that bad, is…it?" Rodney head jerked up to see Sheppard looking at him, his green eyes were heavy-lidded but he was awake.

"Hey, John, how do you feel?" Rodney was standing by the bed.

"Not sure; how the hell…did I…uh …end up in…here? Thirsty…"

Rodney reached for the little pitcher full of ice and placed an ice chip in Sheppard's mouth. "You don't remember what happened?" Sheppard shook his head while he was sucking on the ice chip.

"Wait…I remember…drinking way too much…masut, then… a couple of beers…then I got really pissed off and I think I might have…trashed my quarters. Did I?" When Rodney nodded yes, Sheppard closed his eyes, "Well, that…was mature…John. I guess…I calmed down and decided to…take a shower."

"That's where we found you, in the shower with the cold water running. You were pretty cold, mild hypothermia Jennifer said."

"I…I think…I got dizzy when I started to turn on the water…started to fall over and I …grabbed for that shelf thing…" He raised his left hand to scratch his chin and saw the bandage.

"What…hap'n to my arm?" He was getting tired.

"You cut it on the shelf that was broken away from the wall. Do you remember cutting your wrist, John?"

Sheppard turned his head toward Rodney, "Cut…my wrist…I don't know…" He focused on Rodney as best he could and he realized that Rodney was asking not if he remembered cutting his wrist but did he 'cut' his wrist. He dropped his head back on the pillow and closed his eyes. He didn't say anything for a moment except to ask for another piece of ice. He sucked on it and then waited for a second before he opened his eyes.

"You…guys…found me in the…shower, with my…uh…wrist cut, room…trashed, you think I did this…um…on purpose." He turned toward Rodney and was surprise to see Rodney's eyes full of tears. Rodney very quietly said yes.

"No…Rodney…no, I didn't…I didn't…I got dizzy and must have fallen, breaking the shelf. I didn't…" He closed his eyes again wondering how he could have gotten so far gone that his friends thought he might want to kill himself. The funny thing was that had never occurred to him.

He looked back at Rodney, "I did…go a bit nuts but…I decided that…um…I needed to talk to you and…Teyla…and Ronon. I needed to come…to terms with...the fact that…I …uh…couldn't…prevent …what happen to Elizabeth. I wanted to stop…feeling guilty. I was…uh…taking a shower before…I went looking for…all of…you."

Rodney's eyes were still moist but he was smiling, "So, this was just an accident; you…you really wanted to talk to us?"

Sheppard attempted a smile but it came out like a little half-grin, "Yeah; not…getting rid of me…that easily, geek-boy."

"Rodney, why didn't you tell me he was awake?" Jennifer and Little J had hurried to Sheppard's bed, Marie right behind them and one look from Little J sent Rodney backing up.

"He didn't do that, Jennifer; he didn't." He was smiling, tears in his eyes and saw Jennifer's eyes tear up as well as she smiled back at him and nodded. She turned to talk with her patient and Rodney went to find Ronon and Teyla to share the news.

The next afternoon, Dr. Keller allowed Sheppard to accompany Rodney, Ronon, and Teyla to the infirmary balcony. It was still raining; a warm gentle rain and they were all sitting in lounge chairs pushed against the wall under the canopy.

Sheppard was covered by a blanket, Jennifer was still concerned about maintaining his body temperature, and he was enjoying the hot coffee and cake that Teyla had brought. He knew they were all waiting for him to bring up the events of last night, so he did.

"Listen, uh…I want you to know that I understand why you thought I might have tried to do myself in but I swear that never entered my mind."

"John, we just we worried that we couldn't help you."

"You couldn't help me because I wouldn't let you. I accept that I am the one who couldn't come to terms with things. Look, I spoke to Warren this morning and I can't say I enjoyed it but he's pretty cool and I just want to say that I understand better."

"Sheppard, you don't owe us an explanation," Ronon told his friend quietly.

"I know, big guy. What I want to say, especially to you Teyla, is that I do understand, now, that I couldn't prevent what happened to Elizabeth. Too many things happened at once. That doesn't mean I still don't grieve for her and all the others we've lost or that I don't feel responsible still. But I can't let that consume me, too much ahead of us; I have to let the overwhelming guilt go.

"We are glad, John. We all share that grief and guilt but remember, we share it, it is not one person's to bear alone." Teyla smiled at Sheppard and Rodney punched him in the shoulder.

"So, did I really trash my quarters?" Sheppard made a squeamish face.

Rodney laughed, "Yep, it's going to take you forever to get that cleaned up."

Sheppard leaned his head back on the lounge chair, closed his eyes, and quietly said, "Crap."

Looking at Teyla and Ronon, smiling, Rodney decided not to tell Sheppard that his grunts and geeks were busy repairing the damage in his quarters while they were enjoying the afternoon on the balcony. Rodney just sat back, picked up his coffee mug and listened to the warm, gently falling rain.

Fin