A.N: I meant this to be a one-shot, but it seems to have developed into a story by itself. I apologize if there's anything wrong: I don't have a Discworld map, and I have forgotten how much the Librarian weighs. If you spot anything, please tell me and I'll alter it.

"So, Carrot" began Commander Vimes cautiously.

"Yes, Mister Vimes?" replied Carrot innocently.

Vimes looked up at the impressive Unseen University buildings in order to avoid explaining what he meant. He was never sure how to approach these matters with Carrot, who either misunderstood completely, or had no idea what was being discussed. With a cough, he turned back to the captain's big, honest face.

"You and Angua…how's that working out?"

"We're doing well. As long as I keep the window open at that time of the month, we're fine. Why do you ask?"

"It's just…" Vimes looked away into the rain again. "Have you been having thoughts about…settling down?"

Carrot looked across at the turgid Ankh. Little puddles of rainwater were beginning to form on the crusty surface, showing tiny reflections of the buildings it was passing.

"Yes, Mister Vimes. I have."

They walked on in silence for a moment.

"Have you told her?"

"No."

They walked a little further. Vimes stopped suddenly and turned to face his captain.

"Look, Carrot, what I'm trying to say is…you're a good lad. You like Angua, she likes you. But…if you start talking about settling down, you're going to worry her. I don't want her running off again, and I don't want you following her if she does. I can't afford to lose both of you: remember what happened last time? It was havoc." He took a deep breath. "What I'm trying to say is you shouldn't race into anything."

Carrot looked away into the rain.

"Carrot?"

He turned back to Vimes.

"We've got the chicken situation under control. I leave the window open, so she can get out at night. We've arranged everything perfectly."

Vimes rubbed his face wearily.

"But-" he began.

"Ook!"

He looked further down the alleyway they had walked into, and saw the Librarian knuckling along after someone. He glanced at Carrot, and they both ran after him.

Lady Sybil lifted Earl Mountmarch Proud Scale the Second out of his pen and patted his head.

"Don't worry. Mummy's here. Now, what's the matter with you today?" she asked.

Earl Mountmarch Proud Scale the Second looked pitifully up at her and whimpered. She looked down at it and sighed.

"Hang on a moment."

Putting the dragon down, she patted her fireproof apron pockets and extracted a round, grey pill.

"Here you go, Mountmarch."

She took a lump of coal from her bucket and hid the tablet behind it. The swamp dragon watched the coal eagerly, his tail swishing from side to side. Lady Sybil held it above his head, and then dropped it into his open mouth, before clamping that mouth shut with her flameproof gloves. Earl Mountmarch Proud Scale the Second looked puzzled for a moment, before swallowing and shaking his ears in surprise. Sybil took her hand away.

"Well, thank goodness for that!"

At that moment, Earl Mountmarch's tail and ears went down as he lifted his head and looked at her with sorrowful eyes. Then, just once, he gulped. Sybil threw herself to the ground, protecting her stomach with her arms as the dragon exploded.

"Daft bugger" she sniffed, raising her head.

The other dragons were sitting up, looking around to see what had happened. With some effort, she pulled herself onto her feet and assessed the damage. It was a little messy, but nothing that a day's scrubbing couldn't sort out. Unfortunately, Sybil was not in any condition to do so. She glanced down at her stomach, which was rather bigger than it normally was, and sighed. Sam Vimes had been so happy about young Sam, and always made the effort to come home and read to him; but it was hard enough breaking the news the first time. He was hardly ever home, apart from those precious hours in the evening spent with his son, and when he was, he was too tired to take anything in. Sybil sighed again, more heavily this time, and went inside to rest, leaving the remains of Earl Mountmarch Proud Scale the Second for another day.

Vimes and Carrot raced down the alleyway, their boots spraying cold rainwater over the cobbles. The Librarian was still ahead of them, ooking occasionally as he narrowly avoided obstacles.

"Where are we going, Carrot?" queried Vimes as he ran.

Carrot looked straight in front of him.

"The Shades. I think. Sweetheart Lane, to be exact" he replied.

Vimes swore.

"Well, let's see if we can get him before he gets there."

With some difficulty, they managed to increase their speed and soon were only a few steps behind the Librarian.

"What is it?" panted Vimes. "What did he do?"

"Ook. Ook ook eek!" responded the Librarian, sounded very agitated.

"A book, eh? What is it this time?"

"Ook ook ook!"

"Really? How very peculiar. Anything else?"

"Ook-ook`s ook!"

"Why would anyone want Rincewind's hat?"

The Librarian shrugged.

"Ook."

They turned a corner and were met by a gang. This consisted of four men, each scowling horribly. The book thief was standing in front of them, obviously terrified. The shortest man standing in the centre took in their uniforms, and a slow grin spread over his face.

"Well, well, well. Watch, is it? What're you doing down here?"

He saw the Librarian, who was wearing his badge on a special collar.

"Got a bloody monkey in there now, have you? Fancy that. Well, he'll fit in with the rest of you." He turned away: his second mistake. "Get them, lads."

"Ook!"

The leader whirled around just in time to see 300lbs of enraged orangutan heading towards him. The Librarian grabbed hold of him, and soon he was bouncing upside down on the pavement. Nobody was quite sure how the Librarian managed to over-turn people so easily: if you were watching, you couldn't make it out properly, and if you were the victim you were unlikely to remember it when you woke up. Once he was satisfied that the leader was well and truly chastened, the Librarian (who was very definitely not a monkey) dropped him onto the wet cobblestones. The unconscious man's men were watching, hypnotized by the scene in front of them.

"Ook? Ook ook? Ook eek!"

As one man, they backed away, leaving the book thief room to escape. Unfortunately, before he was able to make use of this freedom, he was knocked out by Carrot. He slumped to the ground, the book sliding out of his fingers. The captain picked it up and read the title, with some difficulty.

"Eldritch Lace-making? He stole a book on Eldritch Lace-making?"

Vimes knelt down by the body and felt around in his pockets. Eventually he found what he was looking for: a tatty piece of card with a few lines printed neatly on it.

"Arnold `Bagsy' Baggins" he read aloud. "Grade 2 thief. Well, at least he's a Guild member. But don't your lot have a deal with them?"

"Ook" the Librarian agreed.

"Then why break into the Unseen University illegally, and steal a book on eldritch lace-making and a totally un-magical wizard's hat?" mused Vimes.

He looked across at the pointy red hat that had fallen with its captor suspiciously. It did nothing: it just sat there, informing all passers-by that it belonged to a `Wizzard.' Cautiously, he picked it up. Nothing happened. Feeling slightly daft for being afraid of a hat, Vimes stood up, placing Rincewind's hat under his arm.

"Take this one back to Pseudopolis Yard, will you Carrot? I'll take this back to its rightful owner."

"Ook."

"We have to keep the book for now: its evidence."

"Ook."

"Yes, I know it belongs in the Library, but we need to look at it. See if it has any marked or missing pages, or if anything has been ripped out-"

"Ook!"

The Librarian snatched Eldritch Lace-making from Carrot and hugged it to him protectively. Vimes sighed.

"All right. Can you come back to the Yard to make a statement?"

"Ook" the Librarian assented.

"Good. Right, I'd better take this back to that Junior Librarian of yours." Vimes shifted the hat to a more comfortable position. "Carrot, take Mr. Baggins back to the cells, and take a statement from the Librarian. I'll be back in an hour or so." He glanced at his watch. It would have to be an hour: he was due back at his house half an hour after that.

"Will do, Mister Vimes" said Carrot cheerfully.

He lifted the fallen man under one arm, and he and the Librarian ambled off towards Pseudopolis Yard. With another suspicious glance at the hat, Vimes walked towards the Unseen University, the rain still battering the city.