The Christmas Without Jack O'Neill

There was no garland adorning the staircase, no stockings hung by the fireplace. There was no Christmas tree brightly lit in the corner of the living room. The kitchen was devoid of the sweet smell of cookies backing in the oven and no lights hung outside.

What should have been a holiday spent in the arms of the man she loved, was instead a cold, lonely day without Jack O'Neill. Samantha Carter sat at the small kitchen table for two nursing a cup of coffee. Her thermostat was turned up, the heat radiating throughout the town house. The heat, however, did nothing to warm the very depths of her heart. Her heart had long since grown cold, dead the moment she was pulled from his side.

Get to the gate.

Not without you.

A shudder ran through her at the haunting memory and she closed her eyes to block out the excruciating pain. She'd lost everything when the timeline had shifted. Her job, her home, the very fabric of her life. None of that meant more than him. That was the loss that caused tears to spring to her eyes when she flipped through the channels and came across The Simpsons. Caused her nightmares late at night in the shadows of her bedroom. The ones that caused a sigh of a relief when she woke up, thinking he was there with her, only to find an empty side of the bed.

Sam's eyes drifted over to the empty wooden chair across from her, mocking her with the emptiness of the vacant seat. She swallowed and glanced down at her half empty cup of coffee which had long since grown cold. With a sigh she got up and put it in the sink, not bothering to wash it immediately, which had become her ritual in the last few months.

Turning away from the sink, her eyes flickered over her sparsely furnished town house. The necessities were the only things in it. This wasn't her home. It was a place she lived, ate and slept, but it would never be that place that she wanted to come home to at the end of the day. Her home, the place her heart resided, was in a cabin in Minnesota or the house they shared right across the border in Maryland, just outside of DC. No, this would never be home.

Nowhere was home without him.

Inhaling a shaky breath, she shook her head to clear her thoughts. Damn it. It was Christmas for crying out loud! Now was not the time to think about what had happened. With the walls feeling like they was closing in, she realized that she needed to get out of this place. Sam quickly walked over and grabbed her jacket off the coat rack and keys from the end table before locking the door behind her.

She walked hurriedly down the sidewalks of the quiet town. Normally it would have been busy, but with Christmas, people were with their families. Where she should have been…she stopped that train of thought and her walk continued. Her boots lightly crunched on the dusting of snow and ice beneath her feet. Her arms wrapped around her chest, trying her best to comfort her aching heart and failing miserably. Walking down Main Street she took a quick turn down one of the side streets, taking her into the residential areas. A few minutes past, the only sounds reaching her ears were the sounds of her foot steps and the soft howling of the winter wind.

The light sound of a child's voice reached her ears and her eyes scanned across the landscape to find the source of the laughter. A little girl of about 5 years giggled as a snowball lightly hit in her in the back and girl quickly turned around to smile at her father. The father quickly leaned down to pack another snowball, and the little girl squealed and ran behind her mother. The father looked up and smiled at them before quickly dropping the small ball and walking up to the mother. One of his hands gently came up to stroke her cheek before his lips found hers, the other hand slid down her side and gently stroked her protruding stomach.

Sam's eyes filled with tears and she stifled a sob before quickly turning back around and walking in the opposite direction. She knew she shouldn't have kept looking but the child had seemed so happy and Sam had wanted to cling to that childhood innocence that she had seen. But oh God….this was the Christmas that she had hoped she'd have that special surprise to celebrate with Jack…and now… She blinked back the tears and quickened her pace.

She'd asked him about children, somewhat nervously, over two years ago. He'd grown still for a moment before he had smiled slightly at her and walked up to her. Sam had quickly said that if he didn't want any that she understood but…He had quickly and quietly engulfed her in his arms. He had pulled back slightly, only to kiss her long, hard and passionately. Her arms had gone around his neck and his tongue had slipped into her mouth. A moan had gently left her lips and she swore that if she wouldn't have been holding him so tightly her knees would have gone out on her. He had breathlessly pulled back from her and a hand had gone to stroke her cheek. The beaming smile on his face and the loving look in his warm chocolate brown eyes spoke louder then words ever could. She had grinned at him, a hand tenderly stroked the gray hair at the back of his neck. They were doing this she realized…and if, which had been such a huge if, it happened…he'd be okay with it. He had seductively whispered into her ear, causing every part of her to tingle, that it would be fun to try. And oh it definitely had been…

Her mind wondered and a sharp gasp escaped her as the memories overcame her. His hands gently roving over her naked skin, electrifying her where his hands touched. Her hands grasping at his hair, his lips automatically going to that sensitive spot at the side of her neck. And oh God, his tongue had quickly darted out to taste it and…

Damn.

The feelings and memories he had evoked were still felt…but the images in her mind were not so. With each passing day, his face blurred from her memory. She missed his warm, twinkling brown eyes. The sound of his laugh. The feel of his hands on her skin. She knew that a day would come when she'd wake up and she wouldn't be able to remember the plains of his face or the sound of his deep voice.

That would be the day she finally would admit that she was living in her own personal version of Hell.

Sam quickly walked the distance back to her house. She quickly hopped up her steps and jingled her key into the lock. With a snap of the wrist, the door slammed shut behind her. God, even out there she can't get away from the pain.

The next five hours she spent meticulously cleaning. She ends up doing all the laundry that she had accumulated in the past few days. She cleaned every square inch of space that she could find. The dishes are washed until they almost shine, the walls and tables dusted until there's not a trace of dust. The shower, tub and sink are cleaned once, and then again, just for good measure. The hardwood floors throughout are swept then scrubbed. She reorganizes what little books she has in her bookshelf. All the while her TV and stereo remained turned off, leaving her alone with her thoughts.

The silence is deafening.

Exhausted, she fell onto her bed and groaned. While still relatively early at night, she knew that she needed this day to end. She doesn't have the willpower to sit in her empty house with nothing left to do. She hurriedly got up and changed into her Chicago Cubs t-shirt and sweatpants.

Her arms wrap around her waist and she hugged it closer to her. It was nearly identical to the one that he had worn for so many nights when they were together. Except, with this one she'll never wake up in the morning with her hand resting on the logo, and her fingers would never lovingly run circles on the fabric that fit snugly on the man she loves chest. It would never smell of the combination of woods, sweat and the slight smell of cologne.

It would never be worn by him.

She slipped under the covers of her queen sided bed and her knees pulled up to her chest. Her eyes landed on the empty pillow at her side and her breath hitched in her chest. Her eyes closed against the pain, but one by one the tears that she had been holding back for the past few hours are finally allowed to be freed.

In the quiet, under the cover of darkness, the tears fell unabated down her cheeks and land in silence on her pillow. She wept until she didn't have any strength left in her. Her pillow is soaked but at the moment she's beyond caring.

She blissfully slipped into unconsciousness but unbeknown to her a smile tilts the corners of her lips.

His chocolate brown eyes sparkle at her. He grins at her. His strong arms gently pull her to him. He softly whispers Always into her ear before tenderly kissing her on the lips.

The sun will rise in the morning and she will awake to the empty side of the bed, an empty house and an empty life.

Tonight, however, she has her dreams.

Author's Note- I was supposed to have this done on Christmas, but alas the muse sputtered along the way. Thanks for reading, if you liked it let me know!