Lady Patricia of the Kowalskis,
This message arrives bearing the gravest of news. I fear that your beloved Lord Gary of Geniusville is dead, killed thanks to a chronic overdose of boredom.
Perhaps you would care to visit his ravaged, festering corpse and sob quietly into your skirts whilst contemplating what could have been if only he wasn't tragically struck down in the prime of his youth?
- The gravedigger, Ye Olde Happy Volts Chapel of Rest
Dear Gary,
If you wanted an extra visit this week, all you had to do was ASK.
I don't have class on Wednesday afternoon, so I'll see you then. I'll also see if I can smuggle in that stuff you wanted, okay? I hope I can fit the chocolate under my sweater without it looking really obvious.
- Petey
Angie. Sweetie. I thought we agreed that the glasses I picked out for you were far superior to your usual pair. Why aren't you wearing them?
- Gord
---
I need to get them changed to fit my prescription. Otherwise I won't be able to see in them!
- Angie
---
But it's such a shame! Though I'm glad you're wearing the shoes I recommended. They are SO YOU!
- Gord
---
Thanks! Kirby said he liked them, too!
- Angie
---
Oh, you look so CUTE when you blush like that! So deliciously corruptable!
- Gord
---
What? I don't get it.
- Angie
---
Never mind. And remember, if you'd like any further fashion consultations you need only ask! I'm sure I could arrange a private one-on-one appointment for you at some point... Think about it?
- Gord
(Taped to lamp-posts and trees throughout Bullworth)
LOST. One dog, answers to Chester.
Substantial reward offered for safe return! Last seen in Old Bullworth Vale.
Contact Chad Morris c/o Bullworth Academy ASAP if found.
You look tooootally depressed today. Like, even more than usual! Know what'd make you feel better? Telling me ALL about it.
- Christy
---
You noticed? Well, earlier this morning Troy gave me a swirlie, which was just great, then I was late for geography class because I had to go dry off. So Mr. Matthews gave me detention and the lawnmower broke down while I was trying to cut the grass as punishment. Then I was sent to help Edna in the kitchens seeing as I couldn't do the FIRST detention and I think that traumatised me for life. Especially since I had to eat the food I'd seen her make. Do you know what goes into her chicken surprise? Because it's NOT CHICKEN. I hate this school.
- Const
---
Er, that's like totally awesome I guess, but I was thinking you were depressed because of your girl troubles! Are you going to tell me who you're moping about yet? Come on, I promise I won't tell anyone. And if I DO tell someone it'll totally be by accident. Yeah. And if you can't tell ME, how can you tell her? It'll make good practice!
- Christy
---
Great, now I feel depressed AND awkward.
- Const
---
Why would that make you feel awkward? START MAKING SENSE!
- Christy
---
Wait! OMG.
OMG.
OMG.
We TOOOTALLY need to talk after class!!!
- Christy
Petey,
Still traumatised after getting frisked on your last visit? You'd better not stop coming to see me just because of that. Don't be such a girl about it, it's not like they gave you a full cavity search.
...Unless they DID. Oh man, this is GOLD! Where did the bad men touch you, little Petey? You should've seen your face!
But seriously, don't sweat it. If you feel like your innocence got tainted or something girly like that, I have some pretty incredible revenge plans for some of the guys in here that I plan on carrying out the moment I get out of this dump. We can do Mr. Wandering Hands McFrisky first, if you want. Yeah, he'll get it good... Only I get to pick on you and get away with it.
Just don't take that the wrong way, you fucking girl!
- Gary
Chad. Excellent news. I found your fleabitten mongrel, so would you kindly come over to my house after class to take it back? And for God's sake, chain it up with something it can't chew through this time!
- Tad
---
You found Chester?!
Thank you SO much! You have no idea how worried I've been. Where was he?
- Chad
---
I didn't find him, he found ME. I was walking home and the horrible creature jumped out of the bushes and clamped his vile jaws around my leg.
You owe me another pair of Aquaberry pants now, by the way.
- Tad
(On a page torn from the "Bullworth Bugle" school newspaper)
Hell's Kitchen: Edna Speaks Out!
What really goes into the goop that gets served up in the cafeteria every day? Ace reporters Melvin O'Connor and Pedro De La Hoya get the inside scoop with this exclusive interview! Not for the faint hearted!
Bullworth Bugle: Edna, thanks for agreeing to speak with us today!
Edna: You're welcome, kids, now hurry it up. I got stuff to do!
BB: Alright. Firstly, is there any truth to the rumours that your Magical Mystery Bake is actually made up of ten percent panda meat?
E: Who told you that?
BB: Our sources are confidential, ma'am.
E: Yeah? And my sauces are confidential! Ahahahaha! [takes a drag on her cigarette] I've been advised not to answer any questions about what actually goes into my dishes. Next question!
BB: Ah. Actually, most of our questions are about what goes into your food...
E: Eh? I got the impression this was going to be an interview about ME, not my meals! You know, you write a feature on the school's most eligible bachelorette, drum up some interest, make Wattsie all jealous...
BB: Wattsie?
E: Then he'd come to me and beg me to take him back, and I'd caress his smooth bald head and- Huh?
BB: And...?
E: Never you mind! [Protracted coughing fit] Ah, that's better. Get the mucus flowing, hahaha! Well, I guess you punks can ask me a couple of questions about my recipes. I gotta keep some of my trade secrets for the book.
BB: The book?
E: Yeah, my book! Edna's Guide to Cooking on a Budget. It's going to be a smash hit - the health inspector already put in an advance order for a copy!
BB: Uh, right. Thanks. Firstly, about the ice cream you serve sometimes - what flavour is it supposed to be?
E: Ice cream?
BB: Yeah. You served up a big batch of it yesterday.
E: That's mashed potatoes! You kids got somethin' wrong with your tastebuds?
BB: But they're served cold!
E: What you complaining for? It's... how they do it in Europe. Yeah.
BB: Okay... A few weeks ago, allegations were made that one student found a cat collar in his stew. Care to comment?
E: Uh. Is cooking cats, y'know... Illegal?
BB: I believe that killing any pet animal is against animal cruelty laws, but I'd have to check.
E: Then those rumours are false, and I'll puree any little punk I catch spreadin' them! NEXT!
BB: I think we've bothered you enough for now. Oh, wait! Lastly, what would you say is the secret to good flavour?
E: Well, let's see... Putting my blood, sweat and tears into every dish I make. As well as any other bodily fluids I can scrounge up! Wahahahahaa!
Petey,
DON'T FORGET THAT I'M BEING RELEASED THIS WEEKEND. If you're not there when they let me out then I'll actually have to interact with my parents. Do you know what that means? It means I'll get irritated by their idiotic babble, stab them both in the face, escape from the cops after a protracted gunfight whilst armed only with a makeshift slingshot, go on a mad rampage throughout Bullworth, make my way to the school whilst killing everyone in my path and THEN I'll kick your ass for forgetting to fucking meet me.
Do you want that many deaths on your conscience, Pete? Do you really?
- Gary
Petey. You free after school today? I gotta tell you something.
- Jimmy
---
If it's quick! Like I told you, a friend came to visit this weekend. I was going to go see him after class, he's been by himself all day.
- Petey
---
It's important. Can your buddy wait?
- Jimmy
---
You're worrying me now! What's wrong?
- Petey
---
STAY CALM, OK?
Zoe was in town this morning and she thinks she saw Gary Smith.
DON'T WORRY. If she's right and he's back, we can sort it. I wasn't even gonna say anything, but Zoe said you might run into him and freak out.
You want me to come with you when you go see your friend, just in case? Me and Zoe were going to the fair anyway, so you could both tag along.
- Jimmy
---
Zoe saw Gary?
Is she sure?
- P
---
I said DON'T WORRY. Just relax, it's not like he's gonna try anything.
- Jimmy
---
Petey, CALM DOWN. You look like you're gonna throw up. We can get Russell to be your bodyguard or something if you're that scared. If he's not too busy playing dress-up with Gord, anyways...
- Jimmy
---
I need to talk to you as soon as class is done.
- Petey
---
OK. What about your friend?
- Jimmy
---
He can wait.
- Petey
(Written on a page from Beatrice Trudeau's private journal)
Oh, that Jimmy Hopkins is so dreamy! Especially when he's angry. He looks so primal and tough and solid, and his jaw twitches a little and his eyes get so stormy and intense...
Oh, Jimmy!
He was like that today, journal. It was frightening, yet simply breathtaking to behold! He was shouting at his friend Peter - really shouting, not just being loud and rambunctious like boys sometimes get. Poor little Peter looked quite upset, of course, but Jimmy kept yelling and getting more and more out of control. Then that horrible Zoe girl said something, but Jimmy ignored her and started walking closer to Peter and I honestly thought he was going to punch him!
The prefects must have thought the same thing, I suppose, because two of them suddenly came running and tackled him onto the floor. Oh, my poor misunderstood love! It isn't his fault that his passionate nature sometimes gets the better of him! I hope the prefects didn't treat him too roughly. Ah, if only I could comfort him and make him feel better in the way I'd like... Curse that Zoe Taylor!
I must go now, dear journal, to the last newspaper committee meeting of the year. I must admit, I'm rather relieved that it's almost over - the meetings have been almost unbearable since Constantinos and that brainless cheerleader started making eyes at each other all the time. It's positively sickening! If only Jimmy Hopkins would look at me like that...
Oh, life can be so unfair!
Zoe,
Please would you let Jimmy know that he doesn't have to do any more detentions? I spoke to Dr. Crabblesnitch about it and sorted everything out.
- Petey
---
Sure thing.
What the fuck were you playing at, Pete? Did you, you know, sleep through everything that happened last year? That's the only reason I can think of for you wanting to actually hang out with that psycho.
- Zoe
---
I've known Gary since we were little kids. We're friends! I can't abandon a friend, no matter how crazy they get. And he's not so bad when he's not flushing all his meds, you know.
- Petey
---
Friend. Right. Except according to what Jimmy says, and from what I remember from before I got expelled, he always treated you like crap. You looked up 'friend' in the dictionary lately?
- Zoe
---
It's not like that. Gary's a jerk sometimes, maybe ALL the time, but that's just how he is. It's not like we never had fun! When Jimmy first came here all three of us were friends for a while. I wasn't expecting things to go back to that or anything, but I thought Jimmy might kind of get used to the idea...
Will you just tell him I'm sorry? Please?
- Petey
---
I'll tell him, but don't count on it getting you anywhere. It's like you betrayed him, you know? He already had his fair share of that B.S. from Gary last year, for fuck's sake.
- Zoe
---
I didn't betray anyone! All I've done is be friends with Jimmy AND Gary!
I thought you'd understand. Weren't you friends with Edgar and Jimmy at the same time when they were fighting last year?
- Petey
---
That's different. Me and Jimmy were DATING. Kinda. It's different when you like someone in that way.
- Zoe
---
What you blushing for? Don't start ignoring me now, I'm not done with you yet!
- Zoe
---
Oh God.
You cannot be fucking serious.
- Zoe
---
I don't know what you mean.
- Petey
---
Yeah, I BET you don't.
For fuck's sake, it's like everyone at this crazy school is gay or something.
- Zoe
---
Wait, I never said anything like that! I don't know what you're talking about! Don't be WEIRD!
- Petey
---
Yeah, yeah, whatever. Look, I'll talk to Jim, OK?
- Zoe
Dear Student,
First of all, I would like to thank everyone who wished me well during my recent stay in hospital. I'm very glad I was able to see you all again before the summer vacation!
As the school year draws to a close once more, I cannot help but feel a level of sadness. To those of you who will not be returning to Bullworth next year, I wish you the best of luck for the future in all your endeavours. Remember to keep your noses clean even though you won't have to answer to me anymore! I'm sure you will all prove to be a credit to Bullworth Academy in the years to come.
On a more jovial note, here are the school's achievements for the year! Remember, none of this would be possible without each and every one of you and your marvellous school spirit!
- The Bullworth Bulls have managed to win an astounding twenty percent of their games this year! Well done, team!
- Congratulations also go out to the school Glee Club, who managed to raise $12.83 towards the bell tower restoration with their carol-singing fundraiser this Christmas. Excellent work!
- A new record! The emergency services only needed to be called to the school thirty-six times this year - a new personal best for the pupils here at Bullworth. Give yourselves a pat on the back and let's see if we can make the number even smaller next time!
Such a magnificent display of school spirit, don't you all think? I am very proud of each and every one of you! One student in particular has instilled particular pride in me, however. Due to our problems with sourcing reliable teachers this year, a sizeable proportion of you have failed to pass math class. Earnest Jones has kindly offered to teach students any material they may have missed throughout the year, as long as all pupils address him as "sir" at all times.
That's enough from me - I'm sure you're all eager to commence your vacation. Again, farewell to those who are heading for pastures new. To those who shall be returning to our glorious institution - have a thoroughly enjoyable summer! I shall see you all again in the fall!
Wishing you all the very best,
Dr. Crabblesnitch
Headmaster
Petey
We're having a party to celebrate now that school's out and stuff. Zoe had a talk with me and... Yeah. If you want to come, it's at the beach house. I know you're not much of a party guy, but it's nothing big - just a few friends, you know? 'Cause friends are important and all that junk. And if you want to bring a friend with you when you come over, that's fine too. As long as you keep an eye on him and I don't have to talk to him or anything.
See you there, right?
Your friend,
Jimmy
Author's note: The end. On a slightly sappy note and everything. XD
Thank you to anyone who's been reading, faving, reviewing or any of that stuff! You make me happy. CAPSLOCK HAPPY. THAT'S THE BEST KIND OF HAPPINESS, YOU GUYS.