In which Roy has an Identity Crisis, and a really weird Fetish; or, in which Roy has a really weird Fetish and an Identity Crisis.

Roy was a Clavicle Man.

This was a little-known fact, and one he was inclined to conceal. It just seemed so... romantic, to be mesmerized by such a delicate part of a woman. So sensitive, ugh, dear god no. When asked, he was a Leg Man, thank you very much. Not the pedestrian Breast Man, nor the lecherous Ass Man. A Leg Man. Sophisticated, discerning, yet still masculine. Yes indeed.

Clavicles.

Fullmetal sulked. Fullmetal persisted in treating every mission assignment as a personal affront. Fullmetal said, "It's hot in here," and unbuttoned his jacket.

Oh, holy hell. Oh, shit.

Now that was a lovely clavicle. Beautifully defined, gracefully accenting a really rather attractive suprasternal notch. Hell, who was he kidding, that was a beautiful suprasternal arch. And... and... the way the right one disappeared under the automail, the port curving up beneath it as if to frame it. How fascinating and exotic. How unique. How...

FIFTEEN.

UNDER HIS COMMAND.

MALE.

x

"Colonel? Mustang? Hello? Hellooooo?"

Another boring and tedious meeting with the most annoying man alive. It always killed Ed how civilized the Colonel could be at times, all Let's have some tea and catch up, Fullmetal when Ed knew the bastard was saving up for a zinger about Ed's height or age or maturity or what have you. And Ed didn't really like tea anyway... but the Colonel always had such good tea, the bastard, even if it was really too warm to be drinking tea at all. So now here they were having their stupid tea. Yet another successful manipulation by Roy Mustang.

The Colonel wasn't drinking his tea right now, though. He was looking sort of fixedly at Ed's shirtfront, in fact, and ignoring what Ed was saying, and Ed did a rapid calculation of the last time he ate versus the last time he saw Al. He concluded he probably didn't have food on his shirt. Al would have let him know all about it if he did, 'cause Al had his back like that. And took a perverse pleasure in lecturing him about his manners and eating habits.

x

Some fundamental notions of self were rapidly reshuffling in the mind of Roy Mustang.

Ok Roy, this is not actually a problem. This is just a case of Clavicle Magnetism. It's happened before. Just not on a man, uh, boy, oh hell. But hey, if you stick a rose on a holly bush, it's still a rose, right? It doesn't mean you suddenly have some thing for sniffing holly. No biggie here. Just a fine specimen of clavicle. Maybe a clavicle approaching the Ideal Clavicle, as in one of Plato's Ideals, as in the single archetypal Clavicle of which all other clavicles are merely a poor shadow. Oh, shit.

Ok. Roy. Let's just analyze this situation and figure out exactly how wanting to run your tongue along Fullmetal's collarbone and maybe some other stuff too in no way makes you an authority-abusing gay pedophile.

Mustang still had a weird look on his face, but at least wasn't staring at Ed's shirtfront or anything. He was doing a very, very poor job debriefing Ed. He'd just asked about collateral damage three times in a row, and while normally that would just mean he was being an ass, he seemed to be actually confused this time. Weird.

... sure, fifteen is young, but puberty has come calling. I'm pretty sure that means I'm not into kids. Ok, not a pedophile. Definitely not. And it's ok to just be attracted to a subordinate, right? It's not like I'm doing anything... I just really, really want to. I wonder what his hair would look like down around his supraclavicular fossae...

x

"...and then me and Al caught the train to Hamner that Thursday morning."

"Ah, Hamford, you said?"

This was really just ridiculous. "No, Hamner, Colonel, the town that you sent me to assess. You know, that place that you ordered me to go."

"Yes, of course, Fullmetal. And, ah, the status of the dam is...?"

Ed stared. "The status of the dam was not located in Hamner. The dam was in Candleford. Hell, you assigned this mission, don't you remember anything about it?"

Wow. The Colonel didn't even catch that the dam was now past tense.

x

...ooh, look at the way his trapezius pops when he cocks his head to the side...

x

Ed looked at the way the Colonel was shifting around in his chair and was strongly reminded of his mother teasing him with the expression "Do you have ants in your pants?" when he was a kid. Did the man need to pee?

In a singular moment of sensitivity (hey, any man could identify with needing to pee), Ed came up with a very flimsy excuse to postpone the rest of the debriefing. When the Colonel vaguely waved a hand in response, Ed altered his "needs to pee" theory to a "having a breakdown brought on by being a jackass" theory. Ah well. Upon consideration, it had really been inevitable.

x

Roy was left in peace, except it wasn't so much peace as a ringing silence in which to further contemplate this new attraction.

... your hands gently bracing his scapulae as you slowly kiss you way up his sternocleidomastoideus... Roy, you are completely disregarding the fact this boy is a man. Oh, shit, what was wrong with *that* sentence.

Can you be gay from the sternum up?

Shit.