What the hell am I doing? How can something seemingly so perfect change within an instant. With a simple thought that crosses my mind.

A warm body lying innocently beside me as my hand slowly reaches up, gently caressing the tresses of red hair that lay motionless against the pillow. With an empty bottle of vodka being carefully cradled by my other limb, my fingers explore the soft texture of her hair. Soft memories from the previous night come running back, rushing through my mind like a series of films, all rolled into one.

I feel my heart panic, I feel the erratic beating of the organ pumping in my chest. My mouth goes dry as realisation finally hits me.

I have to get out of this room.

I slowly creep out of the warm bed, trying not to disturb sleeping beauty. I pull at my top slightly, suddenly feeling self conscious of my slight exposure. I instantly take the t-shirt that I slept in off and throw it aside, grabbing some fresh clothes off the floor. I walk out of the room, acting like a burglar trying not to wake his victim. The door creaks and I instantly wince, my eyes wander back to the bed, she stirs, but she still lays unconscious.

I finally close the door with one final click, running to the bathroom and getting changed quickly. With adrenaline coursing through my veins, I hope that she doesn't wake, I pray that she doesn't catch me leaving her.

Within a couple of minutes I'm putting my shoes on, quietly sneaking out of the house so as not to disrupt my mother, who would undoubtedly have a few questions as to why I'm up at this hour. I grab a pack of cigarettes that I'd left in the kitchen and walk out the back door, walking to my sanctuary.

With my iPod plugged into my ears, the early morning birds are drowned out by Jimmy Eat World filling my ears.

I make my way to the bottom of the garden, opening the gate that opens to a small passage way shrouded in trees. I feel my feet crunch on the gravelled floor.

It's only a short walk, no longer than five minutes, but I just need to get away, clear my thoughts for a little while, if that is even possible.

My feet carry me while my mind replays the events of the previous evening. I'm in turmoil, there is a part of me that knows I felt this way, but there is another part that wishes I wouldn't.

There is a slight mist in the air that only intensifies as I reach my destination. It's a well kept secret around here. Sitting behind my house there is a small forest, and in the middle there is a quiet stream in which a huge boulder sits. This is my place, this is my peace, this is my sanity. I climb carefully up onto the boulder, sitting down crossed legged and I watch the as stream slowly, but surely, calms all my nerves, my uneasy feelings, my rapidly beating heart.

I find it slightly ironic that I found this place in spite of her, because of a silly argument we had, and I'm back here, not a year later because of her again. Not as spiteful this time.

I grab a cigarette out of my packet, lighting it, feeling the toxins rush through my body, my lungs, my blood, my heart. I feel everything begin to numb, every anxious reaction in my body steadies.

You've got to love nicotine.

Ok, I've calmed myself down, now comes the hard part. Although, in order for me to understand what's happening now, I must go back to the start, I must try and figure out where these urges, these feelings, where this all came from.

**********

Chapter One

It was your typical British summer day, the rain was pouring and there was a slight chill in the air. I anxiously walked towards my new college, Roundview.

It's no secret that I don't tend to make friends easily. I come off a little cold at first meeting, my sarcasm overrules my brain as the simplest of question could turn into an argument with my attitude, I don't mean to be this way, it's just my way.

The entrance to the modernised college is bustling with students, most of whom already in groups, already laughing and joking with their peers while I have to do the walk of shame alone.

You know the walk, everybody does. It's the one that happens when you walk into a room full of strangers, they all turn and stare, judging you with their cautious eyes, judging every single move you make, your clothes, your hair, your make-up, what accessories you have.

It's a horrible feeling knowing that people you've never met probably hate you already simply by the way you dress.

I wouldn't, however, go out of my way to please complete strangers, so I hold my head up high and walk the walk with pride. No matter how much I'm shitting myself on the inside.

There is an older nervous woman trying to silence the crowds, her shrill voice barely being heard about the laughter, the shouting and the cat calling.

Everybody's hands are instinctively brought up to their ears as there is a painstaking noise coming from what I can only presume is a megaphone. "Right" A man says, with a heavily tainted welsh accent, "We need to get some order here" He shouts, the entire student body lays their eyes on this geeky looking man, disturbing their banter, "I'm Doug, now we're going to have some form of orientation later this morning, but right now I want all of you to gather in your form groups"

He lists off all the forms, telling them to stand in a group with their tutor, my form, BD1, is called last, a scruffy man with a beer belly stands in the middle of the hall, "BD1 gather around Keiren please" Doug shouts, and Kieren raises his hand, trying to gather our attention. I find myself stuck behind a group of screaming girls. I try to barge my way though, trying to get to my group when I accidently stand on a girls foot, causing my bag, and myself, to be thrown against the floor with a loud thud.

The entire student body looks my way and the room erupts into fits of laughter. I feel my face burn profusely as I try to gather my things.

I'm on all fours picking up my bag which happens to have no contents in, as yes, they have been scattered all over the floor. I hear people call me a loser from behind, but I take no notice, well try to.

"Here" A softly spoken voice causes me to look up, finding a redheaded girl smiling gently at me. She's holding my pencil case, "You dropped this" She says, no hint of laughter behind her eyes, just a tender act of kindness. She crouches down, helping me gather my belongings as I vaguely hear Doug telling everybody to be quiet, telling them that this is no longer a secondary school.

"Thanks" I smile as I realise I've gathered all my things safely, without any more embarrassment. I'm about to stand up when I see a hand hovering above me. I stare at it cautiously.

I've never experience somebody being this kind to me.

"It's ok" I smile bashfully, grabbing her extended arm, she gives a gently tug, pulling me to my feet. "I'm Emily" She says, still holding onto my hand, now shaking it slightly,

"Naomi" I smile.

For the first time I get a decent look into those kind eyes, and I feel my heart drop slightly. I shake it off a little, letting her hand go, "Form BD1?" She asks, and I simply nod, "This way" I follow her to a group of people who are giving me dirty looks, one in particular, "Naomi, this is Katie, my sister" Emily says as we approach a mirror image of herself, well, by mirror image, I mean sluttier image.

"uh... Hi"

"Whatever" The girl turns around and starts talking to one of the guys, I look towards Emily who is scowling at her sister,

"Don't mind her, she's had a bug up her arse since she was born" I laugh at this comment,

"I heard that, bitch" Katie turns around, throwing her sister a look,

"Good" is Emily's retort.

I feel a little uncomfortable as the atmosphere completely changes around the twins.

It doesn't get any worse though. Keiren informs us all to follow him, and we all do obligingly.

From the outside the college doesn't appear to be that big, but it's all a series of rights and lefts, stairs and lifts, there are about six entrances/exits... I can officially see myself getting lost.

"I think we're gonna get lost... a lot" Emily giggles besides me and I smile inwardly at her saying exactly what I was thinking,

"Yeah, I think so too" I smile.

I'm awkward, this much is obvious. I'm a virgin when it comes to these kind of situations. I've never had somebody help me while everyone laughed, and she still seems genuinely interested in me, asking my courses and how long I plan on staying here. I oblige, telling her English Literature, Creative writing, Music, History and Politics. To which she instantly laughs, "What?" I ask, feeling conscious of myself,

"I'm in all but one of your classes" She smiles,

"What's that?"

"Politics"

"What a coincidence" She smiles,

"I'd call it fate"

I smile nervously at her and I hope that we make it to our classes soon.

There are small observations passed between us as we continue the small journey to our tutor room.

"Ok, We're here, now everyone go take a seat and I don't care where you sit" Kieren announces. The students burst into the room, grabbing most of the available tables before Emily and I even step on foot inside.

"Ems, over here" Katie shouts, having saved her sister a seat, I panic a little... I don't want to be sat on my own,

"I'll sit over here" Emily says, pointing to the last empty table, "You coming?" She asks as she's already halfway there. I have a half smile on my face, still intrigued as to why she's making this much effort.

Needless to say, I take my seat beside her. Kieren starts all this spiel as nobody listens, he swears a few times, earning the odd chuckle from the rest of the class.

"I feel I need to tell you something" Emily tells me at dinner. We've spent the entire morning at school sitting together in our classes, chatting with ease as we make our way to those classes,

"What?" I ask, taking a sip of my pepsi,

"I just want to get it out of the way now... I've been burned before you know, when somebody finds out a little later into the friendship and they don't agree..."

"Ok, what is it?" I ask, impatiently,

"I'm gay"

"Ok" I say quickly, smiling at her, "Good for you" I nudge her on the arm, laughing,

"You're not bothered?"

"Why would I be? So long as you're not trying to get in my knickers and this is your technique" I laugh, and she joins in, "It's just a label, and I don't do agree with labels" I say, smiling,

"Obviously... from your clothes, I mean come on, who wears a top with a pig on it?"

"I'll have you know that pigs are cute..."

"I know" She laughs, "Doesn't mean I'd wear a picture of one" We both laugh, loving how easy this is. "No, but really... you're not gonna like ignore my calls, avoid me at college and just generally push me out of your life for telling me this" I laugh,

"No... for a start you haven't got my number so I would maybe yes ignore your creepy calls if you would ring, but other than that, no... I'm not bothered at all" I smile, and I can actually see a ton of relief lift off her shoulders.

"Good"

"What's the big deal anyway?"

"It's just at school, my best friend, Leanne, we'd do everything together, we'd be ringing each other constantly, or texting, either way we'd be practically talking all day... before you get the wrong idea, no it wasn't anything more than friendship" She says, rolling her eyes and I chuckle slightly,

"Did I say anything?"

"Anyway, I decided to come out to her... you know, the one person I thought would understand, I thought wouldn't give a shit what or who I was... and she bailed, she thought that I was in love with her... gah, that really pisses me off... when friends seem to get the idea that being friends with a lesbian inevitably means they'll fall in love with you" She laughs, "Anyway, it hurt, a lot... still kinda getting over it"

"Don't worry, there are many things people say about me, but they would never call me close-minded... everyone has to be like this, nobody can do that, shit this, shit that... I see it as, your still the same person I met this morning, you're still the same person sitting here today, whether or not you like the fanny or the like the cock"

"Interesting way of putting it" She smiles,

"I'm hardly boring"

"Definitely not" We both smile at each other.

******