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The Ladies' Guide To Middle-earth's Eligible Bachelors
Every now and then, a lady unexpectedly finds herself transported to those vast and magical lands commonly known as Middle-earth, where she will inevitably become the object of much admiration and excite in the gentlemen native to those shores a desire to offer for her hand. Woe betide the lady who has no means of discernment between the gentlemen vying for her favour and who might thus unwittingly bestow her affections on one of the less deserving of the other sex. This handy pamphlet is designed to offer guidance on this delicate subject, by outlining the main strengths and weaknesses of each candidate in alphabetical order for quick reference. Printed on 100% recycled paper. Washable cover.
Aragorn Son of Arathorn, aka Estel, aka Thorongil, aka Strider, aka The Dúnadan, aka Elessar, aka Elfstone, aka Telcontar, aka Envinyatar
Strengths:
Aragorn is a well connected bachelor with brilliant career prospects. He is committed to old-fashioned virtues like duty and loyalty. Raised in an Elven household, he has extensive knowledge of healing lore, history and poetry. Can look a bit scruffy, but scrubs up well. Standard Numenorean fittings of noble features and stern grey eyes. Accomplished warrior, provides own mystical sword. Good diplomat. Excellent life expectancy.
Weaknesses:
Grumpy-faced. Heavy smoker. Prone to give long, boring, pompous speeches. Frequent name changes may become confusing. Chronic sense of humour failure.
Summary:
This bachelor is promising marriage material and needs only a little polishing to make him a pleasant companion to the genteel and ambitious lady. Should be encouraged to stick to one name. Note that Aragorn prefers women who take on a traditional feminine role and demeanour; more progressive ladies may wish to avoid him. Ladies who feel that his greying hair distracts from his otherwise stately appearance are advised that good hair dyes from Harad are available in Minas Tirith. Suggested Yule present: The Bumper Book of Puns and Jokes.
Status: Recommended.
Bilbo Baggins
Strengths:
Bilbo is an easy-going and generous bachelor who enjoys comparatively good health for of his advanced age. He combines an adventurous spirit with more domestic habits of country pursuits and hospitality. Good sense of humour. Caring and quick-witted. Allegedly owner of mythical treasure, though no clear evidence of this. Has been known to make excessively expensive gifts.
Weaknesses:
Very short. Heavy smoker. Inclined to recite his own poetry. Advanced age. Is said to suffer from after effects of having for many years held onto a certain "precious."
Summary:
Bilbo would suit the needs of a very mature lady, preferably at least partially deaf, with a taste for cosy evenings spent by the fireside in reminiscence of whatever her companion chooses to reminisce about. A marital connection with Bilbo might in time even procure a tourist visa for the fabled Undying Lands. Suggested Yule present: carpet slippers.
Status: Recommended to the more mercenary lady, who is looking forward to a handsome pay-out when the will is read.
Boromir of Gondor
Strengths:
A fine physical specimen, Boromir is a bachelor with a big sword and the muscles to wield it. Excellent social connections and good career prospects. Not in the first prime of youth, but comes from a family with very good life expectancy. Standard Numenorean fittings of noble features and stern grey eyes. Not shy to speak his mind, even when there isn't much of it. Cool armour, flashy horn.
Weaknesses:
Limited intellectual powers and a tendency to overestimate his own importance. Takes unreasonably long times for travelling. Easily tempted. Bad karma.
Summary:
Boromir would make a fine companion for a lady who appreciates traditional male virtues and is not too pernickety with regard to academic prowess and interpersonal sensitivity. However, there are vague concerns about his future. An enterprising lady might want to take a risk with this bachelor, but shouldn't be too surprised if it all goes arrow-shaped. Suggested Yule present: horn repair kit or GPS.
Status: Cautiously recommended.
Curunír
See Saruman
Denethor of Gondor
Strengths:
Denethor holds a position of immense political responsibility and authority. He prides himself in an exquisite family lineage. A fine looking man of a certain age, Denethor conducts himself with dignity and assertive confidence. Standard Numenorean fittings of noble features and stern grey eyes. Astute. Nifty dress sense. Fabulous palatial accommodation with splendid views of the famous "Land of Shadow."
Weaknesses:
Widower. Apparently never coped with bereavement. Couch potato, spends too much time watching palantir. Concerns about state of mental health. Amazingly disgusting table manners, considering his social position. Don't feed him tomatoes if you value your tablecloths.
Summary:
Denethor could offer a lady a prestigious home, but probably very little beyond. His time is taken up with worries about affairs of state. His precarious temper makes him difficult to be around; he could flare up at any minute. Suggested Yule present: Qi Gong spheres or slinky (though danger of temper tantrum if slinky gets tangled).
Status: Not recommended.
Elladan and Elrohir
Strengths:
The bachelor twins are of half-elven descent with the usual advantages associated with such lineage. They command considerable respect in the Elven community and have a keen sense of family loyalty. Accomplished hunters. Standard Elven stunning looks. Two for the price of one.
Weaknesses:
Have been known to bear grudges for prolonged periods of time. Allegedly fond of immature practical jokes, though evidence for this is scarce. Limited career prospects.
Summary:
Elladan and Elrohir are versatile bachelors who will be able to satisfy a variety of tastes. Some ladies may find the pointed ears off-putting, but please note that cosmetic surgery is now available at competitive rates. Suggested Yule present: name tags for easy identification.
Status: Recommended.
Elessar
See Aragorn
Elfstone
See Aragorn
Envinyatar
See Aragorn
Éomer Son of Éomund
Strengths:
Éomer is an appealing bachelor with excellent social connections. Tall and handsome, he is a dashing horseman and accomplished warrior. Loyal, courageous and family orientated. Warm hearted and passionate. Good career prospects.
Weaknesses:
Éomer's topics of conversation are restricted to equine and military themes. Smells of horses and is bound to shed horse hair all over your upholstery. Some concerns about his eye-sight, since he apparently cannot distinguish between orcs and hobbits, but would probably refuse to wear spectacles. New haircut recommended.
Summary:
This bachelor would suit a lady who seeks a romantic and stable relationship and is not overly concerned with her husband's intellectual interests (or lack thereof). May, with a little guidance by a lady well versed in etiquette, still make a presentable member of a royal court. You may want to invest in one of those little hand-held vacuum cleaners popular with cat owners. Suggested Yule present: aftershave lotion.
Status: Highly recommended.
Erestor
Strengths:
Erestor holds a position of trust with Elrond Halfelven, functioning as one of his chief counsellors. Beyond that, virtually nothing is known about him. Standard elven good looks.
Weaknesses:
None discovered at time of going to print.
Summary:
While we have heard nothing adverse about Erestor, we would like to give a word of warning. It seems strange that so little information is available about a man who has apparently lived in Imladris for an extended period of time and in close proximity to the senior members of the household. It is possible that there is something about him that would make him unsuitable as a husband. He could be impotent, gay, or addicted to watching soap operas. May also simply turn out to be a boring old fart. Suggested Yule present: socks.
Status: Cautiously recommended.
Estel
See Aragorn
Faramir of Gondor
Strengths:
Faramir is the bachelor who has it all: Excellent social connections, dashing good looks with long, raven-black hair, personal integrity, considerable weapon skills, intelligence, leadership qualities and a warm-hearted disposition. Furthermore, he appears to be the only bachelor in Middle-earth with an academic education equivalent to BA or beyond. Good career prospects, though animosities within the family present some difficulty in this respect. Standard Numenorean fittings of noble features and stern grey eyes. Makes tasteful choices for ladies' clothing.
Weaknesses:
Insanity in the family, though this is probably the result of circumstances rather than genetically induced. Could be considered a smart-aleck and a Goody Two-Shoes. Sucks up to wizards.
Summary:
Faramir is the choice for the more discerning lady, who values valour and honour, but is also looking for a partner who can meet her in conversation. Should be the kind of lady who is unruffled by her husband being always right and always insufferably virtuous. Suggested Yule present: vouchers for family counselling sessions.
Status: Highly recommended.
Fredegar "Fatty" Bolger
Strengths:
Fredegar is a cheerful and sociable fellow, always willing to lend a hand and blow his horn in times of need. He is generally well liked, though often remains at the fringes of social groups. Generally of a phlegmatic temperament, but can pick up courage when necessary.
Weaknesses:
Short and fat, thought said to have been on a diet recently.
Summary:
Fredegar is the companion we recommend for the lady who seeks a partner willing to follow her lead and to be moulded according to her designs. We would not expect him to give a lady any kind of trouble, though be aware that you may get rather bored with him in the long run. Suggested Yule present: giant chocolate indulgence cake.
Status: Recommended.
Frodo Baggins
Strengths:
Frodo is widely held to be the finest hobbit in the Shire on account of his refined looks, pleasant manners and strength of character. Middle-aged, but younger-looking. Intelligent, with a passable level of education. As owner of the substantial Bag End estate, Frodo holds a respectable position in Shire society, though this is somewhat compromised by rumours of his travels to foreign parts, where he is said to have partaken in strange and unsavoury adventures.
Weaknesses:
Suffering from post traumatic stress disorder. Missing finger, will never be good pianist.
Summary:
While Frodo is in every way an amiable and trustworthy bachelor, it is doubtful is he would make a suitable companion for a lady, since the abovementioned post traumatic stress disorder prevents him from participating meaningfully in social activities. Suggested Yule present: First Class ticket to Valinor.
Status: Not recommended, unless you suffer from Florence Nightingale complex.
Gandalf the Grey, aka Mithrandir
Strengths:
Gandalf is of a kind and compassionate disposition with considerable powers of discernment and commendable moral reasoning skills. Can admit to having made a mistake, which is a rare gift in a man. Good sense of humour. Impressive appearance and great dress sense. Nifty with firework displays. Horse whisperer.
Weaknesses:
Very old (though allegedly immortal). Heavy smoker. Nomadic habits. Very set in his ways.
Summary:s
This bachelor would suit a more mature lady whose primary interest is in spiritual companionship. Those who appreciate bushy eye-brows and magnificent beards will find this bachelor a true gem. Suggested Yule present: nicotine replacement patches.
Status: Recommended.
Gimli Son of Gloin
Strengths:
Gimli is a bachelor committed to old-fashioned chivalry in the spirit of courtly love. As a dwarf, he is accomplished in traditional crafts like metalwork and stonemasonry. Loyal and stout-hearted. Well spoken. Excellent life expectancy. Apparently wealthy, though source of income remains obscure. Wields a mean axe.
Weaknesses:
Short. Doesn't shave. Clannish and prone to interspecies prejudice. Choleric temper. Braids his beard and puts in little beads and stuff; possibly gay (see Legolas).
Summary:
This bachelor would suit a lady with traditional tastes who knows her place and doesn't mind staying at home in the cave while her husband is out socializing with other males. Should be prepared to entertain large numbers of friends and relatives and serve up ample amounts of ale. Suggested Yule present: hair clips.
Status: Cautiously Recommended.
Glorfindel of the House of the Golden Flower
Strengths:
One of the mighty among the First-born, Glorfindel wields considerable power, including the ability to produce spectacular light effects. Holds an influential position in the household of Elrond Halfelven. Dashing rider, very handsome, great hair. Musical. Very pretty family title.
Weaknesses:
Thinks it suitable to put tinkling bells on his horse's harness when riding out on a secret mission. Possible untreated mental scars from previous traumatic experiences.
Summary:
Glorfindel is a desirable partner for a lady with a taste for the extravagant. She should be prepared to be eclipsed by her husband in almost every area of social interaction. Suggested Yule present: Coffee mug with inscription Arda's Sexiest Balrog Slayer.
Status: Recommended.
Gollum
See Sméagol
Gríma Wormtongue
Strengths:
Grímais a bachelor with an influential position at the court of Meduseld. He is held in high esteem by the King of Rohan due to his shrewd advice and diplomatic skills. Can be very persuasive. Patient, astute and persevering.
Weaknesses
Greasy hair, greasy voice, greasy personality. Has been subject to allegations of sexual harassment and treason.
Summary:
While Gríma is known to have courted ladies with some degree of commitment, we find it advisable to caution ladies about this bachelor. Any lady with her wits about her will be able to see that this Gríma will come to a sticky end. Besides, who wants to be called "Mrs Wormtongue"? Suggested Yule present: 2-in-1 shampoo and conditioner.
Status: Not recommended.
Halbarad of the Dúnedain
Strengths:
Halbarad is well connected with moderately good career prospects. Draws most of his social prestige from close friendship with Aragorn Son of Arathorn, aka Estel, aka Thorongil, aka Strider, aka The Dúnadan, aka Elessar, aka Elfstone, aka Telcontar, aka Envinyatar. Standard Numenorean fittings of noble features and stern grey eyes. Reliable courier. Pleasant manners.
Weaknesses:
Typical second-in-command with bland personality. Handy minor character that authors like to kill off without much qualms. Halbarad is particularly disadvantaged in this respect, as he will be required to carry a standard into battle, which is not much use in a melee.
Summary:
There is no reason to assume that Halbarad would not make a fine husband and father, but any lady wishing to form a union with this gentleman should contemplate the dangers of him being sacrificed by the author and should seek to minimize opportunities for such an occurrence. Suggested Yule present: Romantic weekend mini break on 14.-16.3. III 3019. Any destination will do, as long as it's far away from Minas Tirith.
Status: Recommended.
Haldir of Lorien
Strengths:
Though one of the reclusive Lothlórien Elves, Haldir is less clannish than other member of his people and has even taken the trouble to learn a foreign language. Appears to get on well with his brothers. Well-mannered and conscientious. Standard Elven good looks.
Weaknesses:
Fond of hearing himself talk. Uncertain career prospects, though may make it big as a tightrope performer. Wears camouflage clothing, which could make him hard to find when separated from him at, say, a busy shopping mall.
Summary:
Haldir appears an all-round pleasant bachelor without any major weaknesses. Should be discouraged from uncanonical journeys to Helm's Deep. Suggested Yule present: sturdy helmet.
Status: Recommended.
Legolas Thranduilion
Strengths:
Legolas is a bachelor with excellent social connections. An immortal and proficient bowman, he is pretty to look at and can walk on snow. Excellent hearing and eye-sight. Communicates with trees. Good singer; likes to hear his own voice.
Weaknesses:
Taciturn and competitive. Beyond that, no discernable personality. Prospects of promotion extremely poor. Braids his hair and puts in little beads and stuff; possibly gay (see Gimli). Prone to the notorious "sea longing", which is really just an excuse to leave home and hang out with the mates.
Summary:
This bachelor has very few qualities that would be conducive to a successful relationship. Most ladies would agree that a husband should talk to his wife and not to the conifers in the front garden. Legolas should work on his communication skills and develop some interests that make him a more stimulation companion, like choral singing or digital photography. Suggested Yule present: Trivial Pursuit (to extend conversation topics).
Status: Only recommended to the lady who is willing to invest a lot of work in this bachelor.
Meriadoc "Merry" Brandybuck
Strengths:
A bachelor with good social connections, Meriadoc is competent, level-headed and reliable. He has a fondness of lore and is keen to improve his mind. Meriadoc is keenly loyal to his friends and does not shy away from dangerous responsibilities. Commendable planning and organizational skills. Cheerful disposition. Good career prospects.
Weaknesses:
Short, but of lately upwardly mobile. Smoker. Member of a large family of bossy people with weird names.
Summary:
Apart from his short stature, which is, however, improving, there's is really nothing not to love about Meriadoc. He'll make a magnificent partner. Encourage him to move with you into a cosy bungalow of your own, as far as possible from his ancestral home, to avoid interfering in-laws. Suggested Yule present: book tokens.
Status: Highly recommended.
Mithrandir
See Gandalf
Peregrin "Pippin" Took
Strengths:
Peregrin is commended by his youth and good spirits. He comes from a good family and values traditional ideals like friendship, loyalty and regular meals. Cheerful disposition, friendly and always willing to help. General air of cuteness.
Weaknesses:
Short, but of lately upwardly mobile. Smoker. Impulsive. Tendency to think with his stomach. Talent to put his foot into whatever figurative mess is available at the time. Possibly suffering from ADHD.
Summary:
Peregrin tends to bring out in ladies a certain motherly desire to protect and nurture him. He may perceive these attentions as patronizing and respond resentfully. Ladies so inclined will need to take into account that Peregrin will eventually grow up and demand to be treated like an adult. Like most males, he will not appreciate repeated recitals of cute stories about his childhood. Suggested Yule present: soothing and relaxing bath salts, scented candles and herbal infusions, meditation audio tapes. Do not give framed picture of five-year-old Pippin clutching cuddly toy.
Status: Cautiously recommended.
Radagast the Brown
Strengths: A wizard of the fabled Istari Order, Radagast is less prominent than his colleagues Gandalf and Saruman and hence less likely to be harassed by fangirls. Kind and loyal. Widely travelled. Speaks to animals.
Weaknesses: Very old (though allegedly immortal). Smoker. Poor fashion sense or possibly colour blind. Absentminded. Speaks to animals.
Summary:
While there is a minor concern that he may forget that or at least to whom he is married, Radagast would suit a lady with a keen interest in bird watching and other nature pursuits, who doesn't mind a bit of absentmindedness in a partner and is willing to provide ample supplies of cheese and cucumber sandwiches and flasks of tea. Should aim to persuade her husband to carry the folding chairs. Suggested Yule present: Zeiss binoculars.
Status: Cautiously recommended.
Samwise Gamgee
Strengths:
Samwise is a friendly, unassuming bachelor of domestic habits. Excellent cook and dedicated gardener who doesn't mind getting his hands dirty. Loyal, reliable and persevering. Kind to animals. In addition to these worthy, but somewhat unspectacular qualities, Sam also has a taste for romantic flights of fancy and a fondness for stories and poetry.
Weaknesses:
Idiosyncratic speech pattern that can get very grating over time. Irritating habit of ostentatious deference to social superiors. Very short.
Summary:
This bachelor has the making of a wonderful family man and will prove a delightful companion to the humble, domestically minded lady who learns to nod and say, "Yes, dear" without paying too much attention to her husband's words. He can be expected to make a devoted father who will entertain his offspring with stories about elves and strange adventures in far-off countries. Suggested Yule present: patented potato peeler or elocution lessons.
Status: Highly recommended.
Saruman, aka Curunír
Strengths:
Saruman is a powerful wizard of high intelligence with immense skills of persuasion and commanding great respect among his peers. Owns extensive property in desirable location. Impressive appearance. Ambitious. Good management skills. With his charming voice, Saruman could also succeed in a career as a radio presenter.
Weaknesses:
Incredibly opinionated. Needs to get out more. Liable to be outwitted by butterflies. Considers "multi-colour" a good robe choice and hence deserves to be thrown into a well and /or sold into slavery.
Summary:
While Saruman would benefit from some fashion advice and a more varied social circle, he is a bachelor we recommend for the ambitious lady who would support a husband in climbing to the highest levels of political power. He doesn't like to be contradicted, but any lady worth her salt will be able to steer him gently while letting him believe everything is his own idea. Suggested Yule present: matching coasters and placemats, or whatever else you fancy for yourself.
Status: Recommended for the lady who wants to be a First Lady.
Sméagol, aka Gollum
Strengths:
Sméagol is an older bachelor with a wealth of experience. Very resilient and athletic, he has good orientation skills and is fit to survive in almost any environment. Excellent forager. Enjoys fishing and playing riddles.
Weaknesses:
Questionable personal hygiene and sub-standard attire. Disgusting table manners. Serious mental health issues (split personality), possible caused by traumatic childhood. Criminal record. Speech impairment. Obsessed with a certain "precious."
Summary:
This bachelor would present a challenge to a spirited and compassionate lady with a desire for turning round another person's life. However, it is highly doubtful if Sméagol would respond well to female improvement attempts. Smeagol would also need a complete make-over and to be fitted out with an entire new wardrobe. Suggested Yule present: jewellery.
Status: Not recommended.
Strider
See Aragorn
Telcontar
See Aragorn
The Dúnadan
See Aragorn
Thorongil
See Aragorn
We hope our esteemed readers will find the guidance provided in this pamphlet useful and edifying. Virtuella Publications Ltd does not accept liability for any personal misfortune arising from your use of this information. Virtuella Publications Ltd would like to advise our readers that we do not object to homosexuality in general, but consider it a depreciating factor in the husband acquisition business. Enjoy your stay in Middle-earth and remember: Love is the answer, the answer to everything.