Itachi of the Caribbean
By Nara Merald & Crimson Feline 13

Summary: Crackfic! Team seven along with Neji and Tenten get marooned on an island… only to encounter half the Akatsuki and one thing's sure; Uchiha Itachi ain't no Jack Sparrow.
Disclaimers: This is blatant crack. BLATANT. It is crude and possibly insulting in… well the whole way through. You have been warned. OOC. This is NOT a cross over! Co-authored with Crimson Feline 13.
Don't own: Alice in Wonderland, Pirates of the Caribbean, Naruto, your face.

Oh, and forgive me for the Hiroshima comparison- It's so tacky and wrong that I couldn't resist.

P.S.: SAKURA GETS IT AWN WITH COMMADORE NORINGTON (LOL)

Itachi of the Caribbean

It was an odd sight that greeted any sailing the seas that particular morning. Several members of the Missing Nin organisation Akatsuki were sailing on a large ship, and sailing quite miserably if the amount of bailing the masked Akatsuki member was doing was any indication.

"Aren't we supposed to be singing pirate songs or something?" Kisame turned to the stoic Uchiha who had declared himself captain.

"Hn," Itachi replied. Their "Captain" looked blatantly ridiculous with the fake beard Tobi had taken upon himself to glue to Itachi's chin, and he had refused to take it off for several days, despite the fact that it was a blonde fake beard and Itachi's hair was black.

Deidara had laughed his ass off until their captain had taken offense and ordered Deidara be put into a dress, tied to the prow and assigned the position of "busty female figurehead" until further notice. Of course, after a few days without food or water, Deidara had started to take a turn for the worse and was currently unconscious, his fake breasts having fallen out long ago.

"Ah, Captain, land dead ahead," Kisame (who was currently steering after the unfortunate revelation that a near-blind Captain at the helm made for a lot of holes in their brand new boat) warned.
Captain Itachi gave Kisame a piercing stare, but said nothing.

"Ah, Captain… left or right?!" Kisame yelled, beginning to panic and inwardly wondering if Deidara could take another hit in his condition, and picturing Pein's anger when he found out they'd accidentally killed off another member by sandwiching him between a fast moving boat and a land mass.

"Hn," Itachi boldly declared, giving Kisame a glare that told him in no uncertain terms that should Kisame disobey his most recent order there'd be a Kisame-sized serve of Uchiha ass-kicking handed his way.

However, with Kisame not sure whether Itachi wanted the ship going right or left, the threat of immense suffering looming equally as fast as the island ahead, Kisame decided to cut his losses and promptly jumped ship.

So it was that Deidara regained consciousness and mid way through cursing the dress he was wearing loudly (yet admiring how good it made his legs look silently), realised he was on a ship about to crash into the island. Wondering what the hell was going on (and how UN-artistic his death would be should it be his fate to die in the collision), he spared a glance to Tobi who'd paused bailing out the water to lick what looked like a jellyfish (and a stinging jelly fish if Tobi's swollen tongue was any indication) and their "Captain", who had half of his mangy, fake blond beard hanging off his face and was standing heroically, pointing into the sunset.
Deidara had half a second to wonder what the fuck he was doing in Akatsuki anyway before the ship shuddered and an overall splintering sound signalled the breakdown of the Akatsuki's pirate ship.

As darkness overtook him, the last thing the HMAS Akatsuki's figurehead saw was distinctive green eyes and pink hair.
Oh shit.

Team 7 were understandably confused at the sight before them. One minute, the five of them had been lamenting their fate of being stranded on a remote island after a jutsu gone horribly wrong, the next, they'd heard a loud splintering crash and a kind of pained gurgling sounding suspiciously like a pirate tune.

Sakura blinked.

A giant (and badly treated) pirate ship was crashed into the shore with an unconscious blonde woman dangling limply from the prow. If she wasn't mistaken, there was a masked Akatsuki member hanging from the boughs of a palm tree; how he got up there was anyone's guess. Most importantly though, at least to Sasuke, was one Uchiha Itachi, looking like a hobo, and to be honest, smelling a bit like one too. The blonde beard did nothing for him, and the novelty pirate hat made him look a bit crazy.

"Holy fucking shi-" Naruto began.

"-it." Sakura finished.

"This is indeed unusual." Sai said emotionlessly.
Sasuke said nothing; this was because he had already raced off to engage Itachi and the two were standing motionless, staring into each other's eyes.

"This is a rather strange situation," Kakashi nodded.

"No kidding," Sakura said flatly, as Naruto rushed off to rescue their female prisoner, secretly wanting to get a close look at the blonde's long legs.

"Hey, we didn't really envisage this happening," Kisame replied cavalierly from behind the rest of Team 7, who started violently and drew various weapons from nowhere.

"Chill, I don't want to fight you. What I do really want is to place a bet on the Sasuke vs Itachi showdown," Kisame nodded towards the brothers, who hadn't so much as blinked for 10 minutes.

"20 and a really old cookie," Kakashi offered.

"Kakashi-sensei!" Sakura screeched at the same time Kisame enquired "How old?" and Naruto found out that the female prisoner was not in fact female.

"Hn," Sasuke sneered.
"Hn," Itachi narrowed his eyes.
"Hn," Sasuke snarled.
"Hn," Itachi seemed taken aback. Sakura rolled her eyes and walked off, Kisame and Kakashi following her haplessly into the jungle.
"Hn," Sasuke crowed.
"Hn," Itachi regained his former menace.
"Hn," Sasuke appeared angered at the loss of the upper hand. To save his flailing pride he uttered "challenge".
The two Uchiha's immediately sat, Itachi with feline grace that belied his shabby beard, Sasuke tripping on a small pebble and falling on his ass. Trying to disguise it, he quickly ran his hand through his hair in a "too cool" gesture.
"Hn," Itachi said patronizingly.

From trekking through the island jungle, Kakashi froze, Kisame and Sakura's attention on him instantly.
"Sharingan…" he whispered, and the epic Uchiha Sharingan battle began.

~*~

"Tenten" Neji said, apparently on the island also for "plot reasons".
"Yes?" Tenten questioned.
"Let us go and interrogate the prisoner," Neji ordered, indicating to where Tobi was making a sandcastle on the beach. To show he meant business, Neji ruthlessly stomped on the castle, as Tobi cried. Tenten took this time to ogle Neji's backside.
"Prisoner," Neji commanded, "Bark!"
"Neji?" Tenten inquired.
"I was just trying to assert my authority," Neji declared, stomping on the sandcastle angrily. Filled with a quiet rage when the prisoner simply continued to cry, as a last resort Neji carefully removed a kunai from his silken locks, slicing a precise hole in the anus of his pants. Tenten's fingers flexed of their own accord. Neji's forehead scrunched as he emitted an almost silent groan, crouching to release an air raid on the castle's now non-existent defences.
"Neeeeejiiiii" Neji moaned, as he released his own 'little boy' on Tobi's Hiroshima.

Meanwhile, Kakashi, Sakura and Kisame had continued walking until suddenly Kakashi stopped, picking up a top hat and a pipe seemingly from nowhere.

"Kakashi?" Sakura blinked disbelievingly turning to Kisame, unaware he'd actually fallen off a well hidden cliff a while back. Kakashi exhaled slowly, blowing smoke rings in Sakura's face.
"Whoo… arrre…. Youuu?" Kakashi asked slowly.
Unfortunately, Sakura was tired of having smoke blown in her face and kicked him in the balls. Hard.
With a grunt, the pipe dropped from Kakashi's masked mouth and he slid to the ground.
"Tough luck man," a dripping wet Kisame shook his head sympathetically, apparently having returned by scaling the cliff face he'd fallen off, Kakashi's smoke rings signalling their location.

~*~

Deidara awoke to something no straight man should wake to. Luckily, Deidara was far from straight and used to waking up with suspicious men beside him.
"Hey you hunk of man spunk, yeah," Deidara winked.
His blonde 'hunk of man spunk' leapt backwards in alarm.
"Your voice sure is deep…" Naruto mentioned warily, "…rather… masculine..." he trailed off, trying not to get punched in the face.
"Good, 'cause I'm sick of being mistaken for a girl, yeah!" Deidara pouted. It took Naruto 5 minutes after the pretty, girlish pout for his words to sink in, and another 5 minutes before he regained control of his body enough to scream.

Unfortunately, Deidara was most offended and cast his most horrendous Jutsu…

"FISHBONE ATTACK!" he screamed wildly, and Naruto disappeared with a slight "pop". Deidara smoothed his hair, straightened his dress and pushed his shoulders back.
"Damn," he thought to himself, "I look good."

Naruto meanwhile, did not panic as one might do when buried alive. He did not panic when he discovered the jutsu (while allowing him to breathe) paralysed his hands. He did not panic when the rather rancid taste of what he thought might have been a dead fish skeleton alerted him to the fact the jutsu had inserted something into his mouth. Eyes flashing red, Naruto chomped down on the dead fish skeleton and using it, began to dig…

~*~

The battle…
Red eyes locked onto red.
"You are a fool, little brother," Itachi smirked.
"Oh really?" Sasuke began petulantly.
"Yes really," Itachi cut him off.
Sasuke pondered, attempting to think of a witty comeback to stop Itachi in his tracks. Unfortunately, he said the first thing that came into his head.
"Takes one to know one!"
Itachi, rendered speechless by Sasuke's stupidity, made no reply.
"Yeah, you like that, don't you bitch?" Sasuke replied, entirely inappropriately for the situation.
The Mangyekou activated…

~*~

Sakura stared at Kakashi. Kakashi stared at Kisame. Kisame stared at Kakashi.
"Kisame, you're supposed to be staring at me," Sakura informed him, annoyed.
"Mangyekou," Kakashi whispered.
"I'd like to mang your mum!" Kisame laughed, and against her will, Sakura snickered.
"You couldn't afford her," Kakashi sniffed. Kisame looked affronted before shrugging and admitting he only had 5 cents.
Sakura chose this moment to chime in "Well I've got a dollar so that should cover it!"
Kakashi, getting slightly miffed with this turn of events turned to Kisame and said "Why pay $1.05 for my mum when you can get Sakura for free?"
Sakura stiffened and rebutted "because he likes 'em manly." This resulted in all three glaring at each other in silence.

Pulling out an extremely dubious looking object, Kakashi tentatively sniffed at it before shoving it beneath his mask. There was a crunching sound followed by a wide variety of facial expressions- cautious, delighted, alarmed and finally resigned, before Kakashi announced "Cookie's off the table, but I've still got $20".
"Konoha loyalty demands I place my money on my student…" Kakashi mused, "…and yet… I do want to win. What a quandary…"
Sakura frowned, but Kakashi decided… "My twenty on Itachi."
"Well, who's going to go for Sasuke then? We can't have a bet if everyone's betting on the same person…" She complained.
"What? I'm betting Sasuke! Itachi's blind as an old man with no head!" Kisame declared.
"Have you seen an old man with no head?" Sakura challenged him.
"Well, no… but come on! Look at the beard!" Kisame protested.
"All the more reason… what a lethal weapon," Kakashi shivered. Sakura sighed enviously.

~*~

The battle between Sasuke and Itachi dragged on, the two spending endless hours staring into each other's eyes. And by endless hours, I mean 3 minutes. Sasuke started fidgeting, bored. Twitching, he looked around, annoyed that his friends had seemingly abandoned him. A few seconds later he was humming off key…

~*~

Halfway up a palm tree, Neji clung in silence. Having smeared himself with brown dirt, he was completely invisible, save for when he opened his eyes. The tree trunk swayed slightly in the wind, and paranoid, Neji's eyes flashed open. Just for a moment, there were two specks of white half way up the tree, before they disappeared again.
"Cooo! Coo cooo!" Neji called softly into the forest. Moments later, Tenten came into sight to collect his excrement.

"Neji!" Tenten cried, "Sasuke is battling Itachi!"

Neji was off in a flash, flying from the tree like a brown log of human shaped waste. Tenten was unable to keep up, simply resolving to stare after him, remembering the shape of his arse.

It was about this time that the earth started heaving under her feet. Tenten cursed but jumped back, ready for battle.

One dirty hand burst from the ground, clawing at the air. Tenten stared, transfixed as a body crawled from the earth.
"Naruto?!" Tenten stared.

He looked up, and Tenten froze. The jutsu had released him from his earthen prison, but Naruto couldn't seem to let go of the Fishbone. Yes… it was far better where it was… between his teeth. His eyes glowed red as he moved instantly to where Tenten was.
"It's time for you to disappear…" he hissed, and Tenten gasped in horror.
Reaching out a dirty, thin finger, he touched the tip to her forehead. Tenten's eyes widened.
That was the last anyone saw of her.

~*~

Arriving on the scene, Neji quickly assessed the happenings.
"Uchiha…" Neji announced coldly.
"Hey the-what the?!" Sasuke cried in repulsion.
"It's me… Neji…" Neji explained in exasperation.
"Oh, right. You looked like some kind of… bog monster…" Sasuke informed him.
"Bog monster?" Neji's eyes widened in outrage.
"Oi, Hyuga, take over for me will ya?" Sasuke went to tap Neji on the shoulder, thought the better of it, then promptly ran away.
Uchiha… ran… away.
Annoyed, Neji turned to face Itachi.
"Talking to yourself little brother?" Itachi taunted. "It doesn't suit you."
"Awkward!" Neji thought to himself, before resolving to twiddle his thumbs aristocratically. Decided on his course of action, he waited for Tenten to arrive. He had some waste she needed to collect.

Meanwhile…

"Bored."

"Bored."

"What are we going to do… I'm bored," Sakura whined.
"Why don't you think of something constructive, Sakura," Kakashi said sweetly, annoyed beyond belief.
"Why don't you?!" She hissed back at him. Kakashi's eyes narrowed.
"Fine, I've got a great idea, let's do it then," Kakashi crowed.
"Fine, let's do it. What's this great idea?" Sakura challenged.
"We're going to make a porno," Kakashi said calmly. Sakura took a deep breath.
"That's strange, I could have sworn you just said we were going to make a porno," Sakura smiled, deceptively patiently.
"I did," Kakashi confirmed, not caring that Sakura was about to scream and inflict a world full of hurt on both of them.
"Awesome. I knew this would come in handy!" Kisame pulled out an old style camera with great satisfaction. Sakura looked at the camera, looked at Kisame and Kakashi then shrugged. There were worse things she could be doing…

Neji, still covered in dirt, was utilising his time as only a nin of his calibre could… by painstakingly sticking feathers into all parts of his body. (All parts of his body.) As the last feather stuck into place, Neji stood, eyeing the clearing like a predator. "Yes," thought Neji, "the time is now."
Opening his mouth cautiously, he let out a small cry.
"Crawww?" he tried. Itachi's face wavered for a second, but settled back into a peaceful mask.
Gaining intensity, he opened his mouth again.
"CRAWWWW!" Neji released an almighty call, before leaping off into the trees, running past a stunned Deidara.
It was time to nest.

~*~

"Hey Itachi," Deidara said casually, sitting down across from him.
Itachi's eyes narrowed.
"This island's pretty fucked up, yeah?" Deidara mentioned.
"Foolish little brother… have you learnt nothing?" Itachi asked scathingly.
"Itachi… it's me, Deidara… yeah," Deidara looked a bit weirded out.
"Do you really think I can't tell the difference between my own subordinates and my little brother?" Itachi asked coldly.
"Obviously, yeah," Deidara muttered. A palm tree to his left exploded into flames.
"Oh… uh… big brother… I am stupid, yeah!" Deidara said in a hurry, sweating profusely.
"Hn," Itachi regained his former calm, staring passively at a tree to Deidara's left.

~*~

Sakura was lying on several fronds of palm leaves, tossed together as a makeshift bed- an uncomfortable makeshift bed.
"Yeah, you need to start taking your clothes off, touching yourself and moaning," Kisame advised.
"Watch a lot of porn, do you?" Sakura shot back, somewhat reluctant to expose herself to the camera. Then she shrieked, noticing Kisame was already naked, and leering at her alarmingly.

"So," Sakura began slowly, to distract herself while taking off her top layers of clothing, "What's our storyline?"
"Maybe I can be a captured princess?" Sakura suggested, liking the sound of that.
"Yeah, princess of prostitutes!" Kisame latched on to the idea.
"…" Sakura rolled her eyes.
"Maybe just a prostitute," Kakashi decided. They were silent for a moment.

"I've got it!" Kakashi looked up, clearly excited.
"What?!" Kisame and Sakura exclaimed at the same time.
"Sakura is a lonely electrician, desperate to put some spark back in her love life!" Kakashi flashed them a peace sign.
Sakura and Kisame face faulted.
"That's the lamest thing I've ever heard!" muttered Kisame. Sighing, Sakura resigned herself to yet another masculine role.
"Get it? Get it?" Kakashi grinned, clearly amazed with his ability to play on words.
The other two ignored him.

Sakura by now was just in her underwear, and carrying a tree branch that Kakashi had partially whittled into a power drill (and by whittled into a power drill, we mean whittled into a smaller branch).

Feeling sheepish, Sakura strolled over to where Kisame had made himself comfortable on the palm fronds, wearing a pink apron he'd pulled out from underneath his Akatsuki cloak and attempting (rather terrifyingly) to look innocent.

Pretending to knock on an invisible door, Sakura announced her presence.
"I'm here to fix your circuits," Sakura called out.
"I'm glad you're here, I was about to blow a fuse!" Kisame replied stiltedly. Kakashi winced and waved his arms from off-stage, trying to enthuse them. Unfortunately, his groin-pumping actions did nothing but make Sakura twitch in rage.
"Wait… I need a really big tool…" Sakura cried, batting her eyelashes.
"Well I've got an electric eel that wants to show you the mambo…" Kisame said huskily. Kakashi read over the script, wondering where the hell that line came from and realising Kisame was running on inspiration.

"You're so powerful!" gasped Sakura, letting her bra fall to the floor. Kisame's enthusiasm was now entirely unfeigned.
"I'm gonna hotwire you babe!" Kisame pulled her panties off, and Kakashi gave them the thumbs up, winking.
"Let's test our connection…" Sakura's lack of enthusiasm for the lines was beginning to get pretty obvious.

"Ooooh!" Kakashi called out, trying to sound as lecherous as possible. Kisame and Sakura ignored him.
Kakashi then launched into a whispered song, clearly keen for some improvised background music.
"Get on the floor…" he whispered.
"Get on the floor, touch my pants…"
Sakura was vaguely annoyed by now, and subtly reached behind her for something to throw.

"Get back on the floor…"
"Get on the floor, take off my pants…"
Kisame actually stopped what he was doing and turned around to stare at Kakashi as he whispered "I'm not wearing any pants…Ouch!" and took a pinecone to the face.

~*~

Back at Akatsuki headquarters… (Hidan & Pain)

"I'm gonna show you the meaning of pain!"
Pein's right eye twitched.

"Oooh, ooh, that sounds PAIN-ful!"
His fist clenched.

On the Island…

Returning to the scene of the next best selling porno, Sakura was now acting as "Kisamusume", Kisame's blueberry pasted faced daughter. The blueberry paste "makeup" was rather obvious, especially as Sakura, being fond of blueberries, started to lick her face, resulting in odd light violet patches… rather like Michael Jackson during that unfortunate black to white phase.

"Why did you become an electrician, Kisamusume?" Kakashi purred, approaching Sakura.
Sakura, now getting into the whole "acting" thing, let out a choked cry.
"My father… he died a horrible, HORRIBLE death!" Sakura turned a tear-stained blue face up to Kakashi, playing the moment for all it was worth.
"Uh…" Kakashi stalled as Kisame scanned their script frantically, finding no mention of his tragic demise.
"He was…" Sakura gasped sadly, "he was… electrocuted. Screwing a light bulb in."
Seizing the moment, Kakashi grinned and announced "I'm going to screw YOUR light bulb!"
Sakura stared, actually angry for the father she didn't have.
"Your father would have wanted it," Kakashi told "Kisamusume" sagely.
Sakura was stunned, so Kakashi again took the lead.
"I'm going to light your switchboard… baby!" He winked at the camera, making thrusting motions with his hips.
Kisame looked impressed.
"I'm going to install something in your oven!" Kakashi licked his lips lecherously, and "Kisamusume" apparently gave in to the electricity between them. Sakura rolled her eyes.

"My thermostat's broken. You're so hot," she said deadpan.
"It's like an electromagnetic pulse…" Kakashi fanned himself, "…in my PANTS."
Kisame waved frantically at Sakura, willing her to give an electrified performance. Sakura's eyes narrowed.
"Fine… I'm going to have to vol-taic your clothes off!" she announced. Kakashi stared, stunned, and Sakura used the opportunity to grab his shirt and pull him toward her.

Kisame nodded to himself, going for a close up. Sakura, showing her usual restraint, literally ripped his clothes off.
While Kisame, Kakashi and Sakura were focussed on her clothes coming off, no one noticed Sai standing on the fringes of the "stage".
Sakura began to moan pathetically, finally climaxing with a scream of "ELECTRICITY OVERLOAD!"
At this point, Sai called out "Hag! That's not how you fake an orgasm!"
Three pairs of eyes snapped up, one utterly enraged. Kakashi again took the initiative.
"You… changed providers?!" Kakashi gasped, looking from himself to Sai. Kisame followed his gaze with the camera.
"I'm going solar!" Kakashi announced, separating himself from Sakura huffily, storming off of the set.
"I'm going to charge you for that…" Sakura glared at Sai. Their glares were interrupted by Naruto, huffing crazily, his red eyes glowing and the fish skeleton firmly in his mouth.

Kisame, taken aback but deciding to go with the flow started singing under his breath. "Touch my pants… take off my pants…"
"It's time for you to disappear…" Naruto whispered sinisterly to Sai, as Sakura gaped.
"Get on the floor… I'm not wearing any pants…" Kisame continued unconsciously.
"See? Catchy isn't it?" Kakashi's eyes remained on the stage, waiting to see what would happen.
Naruto, reeking of mouldy seafood and looking like a blonde Uchiha corpse, poked Sai in the forehead. Sai, surprise on his face, disappeared with a "pop". Kakashi and Kisame watched calmly as Naruto hissed once, then scurried back into the forest.
"You don't see that every day," Kisame commented to Kakashi, who simply nodded.

~*~

Meanwhile, two white eyes appeared on a tree. Neji made his special birdcall and waited for Tenten to arrive. After a minute, his eyes narrowed and he made the call again.
"Tenten!" Neji hissed.
"Tenten!" Annoyed, Neji huffed a little, before yelping. Red eyes stared into his as the scent of rotten fish wafted into his nasal passages.
"It's time to disappear…" hissed Naruto, halfway up a tree, poking Neji on the forehead.

Neji, like the others, disappeared…

~*~

Having finished their porno, Kakashi, Sakura and Kisame set out in search of something to do. In time, (about a minute later, really) they stumbled across Deidara and Itachi. Bored with the older Uchiha, Deidara had begun plaiting his hair, and now vaguely resembled a blonde Rastafarian.

"Can I cut in?" Kakashi asked on the spur of the moment.
"Sure, yeah… I need to give myself a facial. This island is disgusting, yeah." Deidara announced, and flounced off without ceremony, leaving Kakashi in the clearing, alone with Itachi… and Sakura and Kisame. So not really alone.

Kakashi looked sheepishly at his audience, who clearly expected a lengthy and expert battle. He himself was rather fond of the idea of getting a nap. Admittedly there was a chance Itachi would be on the money and actually look in the right place and fry him, but sleep was mighty tempting.

Kakashi looked at his audience and thought hard. They wanted a show? He'd give them a show!
Pitching his voice absurdly high, he addressed Itachi.
"Aniki," He said, his voice high and unrealistic enough to shatter a few windows. Sakura's jaw dropped as she motioned frantically for him to shut up.

"I've been cold inside for so long…" Kakashi whispered in his 'feminine' voice. By now, Sakura was repeatedly smacking her forehead. Itachi said nothing, unsure of what was happening.

"It's like the heating unit in my…" Kakashi waited, to deliver maximum impact, "…heart… is broken…" Kakashi fake sobbed for a moment as Sakura covered Kisame's mouth, preventing his laughter from escaping. Seeing his audience so entranced, Kakashi warmed up.

"… and you are the only repair man who can fix it!" Kakashi gave a thumbs up to Sasuke, who stood with a face like thunder across the clearing. Sakura had given up trying to stop Kakashi, and instead enjoyed Sasuke's humiliation.

"Why do we fight? I know you killed my entire family… but that doesn't mean we aren't still brothers!" Kakashi said passionately. Itachi at this point, began to realise what was being said and did not like it.

"Hnnnn," he aimed for derisive, but all that really came out was creeped out.

At this point Sasuke stalked forward but stepped on an errant twig with an audible snap. Itachi's eyes snapped to him, burning a line across his arm and sending him forcefully into a tree. Sasuke fell unconscious, his arm fell separately from the rest of his body and the others tried to summon up some horror, but just ended up shrugging.

Itachi turned triumphantly back to Kakashi.

"See little brother? I just killed one of your friends!" Itachi hissed. Kakashi was somewhat reluctant to correct him, even as he saw Sakura pick up Sasuke's detached arm and poke Kisame with it.

"Ew! Don't touch me with that!" Kisame squealed girlishly.
"Oooh, Kisame, the 'Avenger' is coming for you!" Sakura teased, poking him again with the arm.
"Shouldn't you reattach that or something?" Kisame asked, trying to avoid the limb.
"Yeah, in like, an hour or something. It'll be good til then!" Sakura announced, waving the arm in the air to emphasize her point.
Kakashi meanwhile went back to work.
"Uh, anyway," his fake falsetto was beginning to sting his throat, "it sucks that you killed my friend! But I know you just want what's best for me Itachi!"

Itachi's face began to grow suspicious, and Sakura, slapping her forehead, ran over to Kakashi and literally booted him out of the battle, taking his place.

"I mean," Sakura boomed in a manly voice that had Kisame and Kakashi twitching, "I like playing with fire…" She began, before stopping and desperately looking around for inspiration, "…because sometimes I get burnt!"

At this point, Kisame and Kakashi were holding each other up, tears streaming from their eyes, as Itachi's suspicious face turned into its usual disdain.
"Hn Bitch!" Sakura added, getting into her role.
"Still as stupid as ever, little brother…" Itachi almost sighed. Almost.

"Piss off! I know heaps of Ninja shit!" Sakura ranted, "I stab things and take little kids' lunch money!"
At this Kakashi nodded, whispering knowingly "It's true," to Kisame, having seen the spoils for himself.

"Yeah mother fucker!" Sakura yelled. "YOU WANT A PIECE OF ME?! EH?! EHHHH?!" She screamed.

Itachi resolved simply to ignore it. After an hour, Sakura was recycling particularly poor gangsta lines that had Kisame wincing and Kakashi looking both proud and ashamed.
"What would yo momma say to that? OH YEAH! SHE'S DEAD!" Sakura crowed.

Unfortunately, after another half hour, Sakura realised she had a problem… Outwardly, she continued yelling "You're gonna get so fat! Who respects a fat man? NO ONE! Booyakasha! Shaka Shak… Kasha! Boooyah… yah booo…" She mumbled to Itachi as she started twitching and waving frantically to Kisame and Kakashi.

Kakashi yawned and gave her a little wave back, his eye crinkled. Sakura's face filled with thunder.
Signalling with her hands, she glared and said "I NEED TO GO TO THE TOILET!"
Kakashi waved again.
"Oi, I think she wants you to step in for her…" Kisame nudged Kakashi.
"Yo momma's so fat…" Sakura began, as Itachi actually twitched.

Somewhat more violently, Sakura signed "SO HELP ME GOD KAKASHI GET YOUR ASS HERE TO REPLACE ME NOW OR I WILL TAKE A DUMP ON YOUR HEAD."
"Kinky," Kisame mused, and Kakashi briefly wondered if that was something he might be into. Sakura's eyes were practically lasers at this point.

"Fine, I'll do it," Kisame grumbled, before signing "GOING TO FIND SOMETHING TO REPLACE YOU WITH. HOLD ON."
Finally, after much squirming by Sakura (in the face of the humiliation of pissing her pants, she was no longer intimidated at all at Itachi's blazing red eyes, which were slowly reducing the tree to her left to ash), Kisame reappeared and signalled "ON THE COUNT OF THREE, DISAPPEAR AND I WILL SUBSTITUTE FOR YOU."
"SUBSTITUTE WHAT?" Sakura tried to question but Kisame had already started the countdown.
"ONE!"
"TWO!"
"THREE!"

Sakura poofed away and ran to do her business (not even minding that she had to use a very uncomfortable leaf in place of toilet paper in her abject relief) and when she came back, she wasn't sure whether to laugh or beat someone half to death. (She resolved to do both after finding out what on earth had possessed Kisame)

There, involved in a heated stare down with Uchiha Itachi, was a porcupine wearing a cheap plastic Sasuke mask sitting on a rock.

"Are you insane?!" Sakura hissed to Kisame, watching the spiked creature snuffle around a bit, one of the spikes piercing the Sasuke mask's left eye.
"I wasn't sure about the rock, but the Porcupine just wasn't tall enough on its own." Kisame whispered back, staring at the Porcupine in pride.

"Good one," Kakashi commented, as the three of them watched the Porcupine apparently settle down for a nap.
"What are we gonna do when the Porcupine gets bored?" whispered Kisame.
"Shouldn't you have thought of that first?" Sakura asked waspishly.

"Hn," Said Itachi. The Porcupine did not reply

~*~

A sinister figure crept through the forest. The figure then tripped over a plant and smashed its face into the dirt, orange mask breaking to unleash the one and only Madara Uchiha, also known now as "mudface".

If Neji had still been on the island, he would have been shocked to see what had become of the guileless Tobi… but then again, if Neji had been on the island, he would likely still be halfway up a tree, cawwing like a bird.
However, Neji was not the person Madara had come to confront.
"Oi, you, out of the way!" Madara ordered. The Porcupine, sleeping soundly, did not move.
Madara, furious, tried to knock the Porcupine from his position with a hefty blow to the face. Being that it was a porcupine however, this resulted in considerable Pein for Madara. ;)

Itachi, staring at Madara, recoiled in shock.
"You're not Sasuke!"
His voice echoed around the clearing, and Sakura, Kakashi, Deidara, Kisame and Fishbone-Naruto stared in shock.
"You've got to be kidding me…" groaned Kisame, "the one person who ACTUALLY looks similar to Sasuke?!"
Eye crinkling, Kakashi held out his hand. Reluctantly, Kisame placed $20 in his palm.
"Wait, how did he win the bet?" Sakura asked, confused.
"Yeah, wait a min…" Kisame trailed off, looking around for Kakashi. He was nowhere to be found.

And as the air cooled, Itachi used "super flame power" to defeat Madara in one swift series of several hundred elaborate hand signs. Madara, roasting gently in the breeze, yowled "You can't defeat me…. I…" and then died, defeated.
"Excellent," Sakura said.
"You must be happy your enemy is defeated," Kisame commented, undisturbed.
"Happier still that we've got dinner tonight!" Sakura grinned, before grabbing a stick and heading over to the corpse.

"Well, I guess we're together again now. Where have you been Naruto?" Sakura turned to him.
"Naruto?" She questioned.
"It's time to disappear!" Naruto hissed, before poking himself in the forehead.
With a huge bang, he disappeared, nevermore to set foot on the island.
"That jutsu is hilarious, yeah?" Deidara snickered.
"He's under a jutsu?!" Sakura asked incredulously.
"Well, not since after the first time. I got no idea why he kept the fish in his mouth," Deidara commented back, as the sun set over the island.

To this day, the nin are still trapped on the island, except for the Porcupine with the Sasuke mask, which returned to Konoha and had a fulfilling Shinobi career.

[The End]

"…oh shit," exclaimed Sakura, "I forgot to reattach Sasuke's arm!"

[ The real end]

A/N

At this point, having read the story, you may feel anger, or pity. You may feel that this fic has wasted precious moments of your life. (If you feel this way, I'm going to mang your mum.)
You may pity me, that I have written such a momentous beast, and indeed count it as one of, if not my finest creation. (You wish you could claim this.)
You may feel cheated, that Sakura did not in fact "get it awn" with Commodore Norrington. (See below).

All our love (and my pants)
Nara Merald & Crimson Feline

P.S.
"Oh fair lady, from which far lands do you hail?"
"OH DO ME COMMADORE NORRINGWORTH!"
"It's NORRINGTON… but I suppose I shall anyway."

P.P.S.

Electrician puns

"I'm here to fix your circuits!"
"I was about to blow a fuse"
"Wait… I need a really big tool..."
"Well I've got an Electric Eel that wants to show you the mambo…"
"You're so powerful!"
"I'm gonna hotwire you babe!"
"I'm going to test our connection!"
"I'm going to screw YOUR light bulb!"
"I'm going to light your switchboard… baby!"
"I'm going to install something in your oven!"
"My thermostat's broken. You're so hot,"
"It's like an electromagnetic pulse…in my PANTS."
"Fine… I'm going to have to vol-taic your clothes off!"
"ELECTRICITY OVERLOAD!"
"You… changed providers?!"
"I'm going solar!"
"I'm going to charge you for that…"
"I'm going to turn you on!"
"I'll light your switchboard!"
"I'll plug your socket!"
"I'm gonna drill you!"