Walking Away

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Kyon Chapter: Questions that can't be asked

Kyon knows that this isn't what Koizumi wants.

Kyon sits at his desk, but knows that Koizumi is still lying on the bed behind him. Visiting under some pretence of homework, though Kyon knows Koizumi is a more dedicated student than that. If he really needed to sit down and do his homework then he would do precisely that but instead, he has come to Kyon's house. And Kyon doesn't need to turn around to know that Koizumi is still lying there, lost in the shallow world of whatever magazine it was he brought with him. Every once in a while he hears the turning of a page and supposes that he should be doing the same, but the longer he spends staring down at the blank page of his workbook, the less he feels inclined to continue. Koizumi is there, Koizumi will continue to be there--

He turns around and asks, "What do you want, Koizumi?"... this makes him pause, put the magazine aside, sit up, smile.

"Who said I wanted anything in particular?"

"You wouldn't be here if you didn't."

Kyon knows that this isn't exactly the case. Whatever Koizumi wants, he never says it out loud. Whenever Koizumi needs, he'd rather express it through touch and those eyes and Kyon knows that that is one thing, but that there are others, others you can't quite express if you're not willing to talk about them. He isn't sure this is a case of Koizumi not being willing - no matter what the subject, Koizumi would always be irritatingly obtuse. If it was a matter of Haruhi or a matter of this (whatever this was), Kyon would always be left thinking over the numerous examples and metaphors before realising, hours later, that Koizumi had never answered his questions. He did so in such a skilful manner Kyon almost had to admire him for it, were it not for the fact that it was so infuriating.

Nonetheless, some things seemed quite obvious as a manner of identification. If somebody came to you admitting feeling, then this suggested some matter of change was desired. Kyon couldn't think of a single situation in which an admission of feeling came from a desire for everything to remain the same - indeed, one would think it quite the opposite. Feelings were strange things that he'd never had particular interaction with; he cared for the various members of the SOS-dan in various and varying degrees, although he was quite glad that the lovely Asahina-san couldn't hear his inner monologue whenever she was nearby. There was this and there was that, but then Koizumi had approached him,

"I would like to be in a relationship with you."

(And then he smiled.)

Saying something like that was quite obvious; to desire a relationship was to desire certain things from another person. Some manner of understanding. The priority of time. The development of feeling. It wasn't that Kyon hadn't half-heartedly suspected such a thing in the past - or at least, in his idle thought considered how strange Koizumi's occasional closeness could be, but saying that knocked all ambiguity out of the water. And it was thinking back on it that Kyon would sometimes consider that, perhaps, just then, Koizumi's smile had been strained. Just a little. Just enough to notice. Because you didn't say something like that unless you had to, and you didn't say something with such a dramatic chance of failure if you hadn't already worn out all previous options. At the time, Kyon had said nothing. It wasn't exactly that he ran away, but he did at least walk from the clubroom without a word and, at that time, Koizumi hadn't tried to stop him.

It had taken days for Kyon's thoughts to quieten down. It took that long for even the first shard of rational thought to pierce his mind. A lot of thought along the lines of I'm straight of course I'm straight, and then he would think, of course I am. It was Koizumi who approached me in the first place, right?

But then he thought, and he thought, and he continued thinking. He felt glad for the weekend that gave him space by himself. He felt glad for the random machinations of fate that hadn't landed him in the same class as Koizumi. He stared at the sky as he walked home and wondered why Koizumi would ever admit to something like that. Why would you, though? He was a normal guy with normal desires. He didn't even want to think about what Koizumi's desires were like, but there was no way in which he could consider them normal.

He knew that if he stopped going to the clubroom after school, Haruhi would begin to notice. This was the girl who seemed to show irrational jealousy over any small manner of attention paid towards Asahina-san, when even Haruhi had been the one to bring her to the club in the first place for exactly those qualities. Haruhi was irrational, but some things were definite. It was fine for Koizumi to say those things (except it wasn't), but couldn't he say them to somebody who wasn't supposedly so important in keeping Haruhi's behaviour and mood in check...?

Eventually they were alone together, and it took a long time for the silence to break. Kyon had been surprised to discover that it had been his own voice causing that to happen.

"... Koizumi."

"Yes?" Still smiling, like always. Like nothing had happened, except it had and Kyon couldn't ignore that.

"... What you said..."

"Yes?"

"Why?"

That only caused a good-natured frown. "... Why?"

"Why did you say what you said. I don't--... why would you even say something like that?"

"Because it's true." So straightforward.

"But you know it can never happen, right?"

"... Indeed. But... I don't think I could have been satisfied without hearing those words from your lips. Thank you."

That time, Koizumi had been the one to leave the room.

If it had ended there, then perhaps Kyon could have understood it. Koizumi had had whatever feelings it was he chose to carry around, he wanted to get them out in the air to push their boundaries and see how far he could go, find himself denied, cope with that in whatever way he saw fit. Just another normal story of unrequited feelings. If it had ended there, then perhaps they could have acted as if nothing had ever happened and chalked that event up to the wayward behaviour of youth.

Except, Kyon found his thoughts wandering in that direction even weeks afterward. Thinking about Koizumi, thinking about Koizumi's smile, thinking about how Koizumi was always able to keep smiling no matter what and Kyon found himself thinking how cruel he'd been, somehow. Being so dismissive like that. If it had been some girl, would he have acted like that? If it had been somebody amazing, like Asahina-san? At first he'd acted without thinking, and now he was thinking without acting. He was right though, wasn't he? If you weren't interested in somebody, then that couldn't be helped. Wasn't that why people confessed in the first place, to find out if their feelings were possible? Of course, they would hope that their feelings were possible, but then if they weren't, it would also set that straight too. And Koizumi had done so. And Kyon had responded. And they knew where they stood, now.

So when Kyon stopped Koizumi in the clubroom with a kiss that lingered for all its inexperience, Kyon didn't know what to make of that.

"That's just to apologise... okay?"

Smile. "Alright."

Again, if it had ended there... (but it didn't. And it didn't. And it went on and deeper and further and Kyon, for all his thinking on the subject, still couldn't quite deduce why. Again, Koizumi didn't try to stop him.)

Kyon knows that those seeking relationships are, quite obviously, seeking relationships. Koizumi had said that. This wasn't that. He fucks Koizumi into his mattress, with his fingers over Koizumi's mouth trying to block out any noise he might make, because the door is locked but his sister is still somewhere in the house. Each visit is like a countdown to how long until Kyon can't take it anymore; he thinks he did quite well this time, but it always ends with the same conclusion. And it's not like Koizumi is that loud, but Kyon doesn't want to take the chance. This isn't anything like a relationship and he knows they both know that, but Koizumi won't say what he wants and Kyon doesn't know how to give that to him. And so he gives him this, instead. And it's not enough and he knows that, but Koizumi seems satisfied, for now.

Kyon goes back to his homework afterward, leaving Koizumi on his bed. He listens as Koizumi's breath evens out, coming to the end of a written sentence when he hears Koizumi's reluctant movement. He wonders if this silence is particularly awkward, or if it's always been like this. When he looks up, Koizumi is dressed and standing by the door and smiling, once more.

"... Well then. I'll see you at school tomorrow?"

Kyon doesn't get up. "Ah... yeah."

He doesn't mean that. What he means is to ask every question that has plagued his mind since this began,

shouldn't we talk about this?

is this really what you want?

what is this, anyway?

but he doesn't, and he doesn't follow Koizumi downstairs, and he remains seated as he hears the front door open and close. Then he hears movement thundering up the stairs; he gets up and walks to his door then, because it's going to be his sister wondering if that was Koizumi going home now, and the air in his bedroom feels cloying even to Kyon.

He says enough to pacify her, then closes the door and throws himself down on the bed. The sheets are still in disarray from where Koizumi left them. Kyon doesn't bother trying to reorganise them.

He could have said something. He knows it. Every single time, he knows it; each time is another opportunity but each time, he lets it slip through his fingers. Koizumi keeps coming back, keepings giving him new opportunities, but as Kyon lies in his bed he can't help but think that if things go on like this, maybe Koizumi will stop coming by. He doesn't know if that's what he wants, or if it's what he's afraid of. He should say something, but he doesn't know how to. He wonders if this is how Koizumi felt, keeping his feelings to himself for so long. It's not the same, but he can't help but feel it somewhat similar.

He said he'd see Koizumi tomorrow at school, and he will.

That, Kyon supposes, is the next opportunity.

Kyon Chapter

end

31st August 2009