~*~*~*~
I watch Doggett hurry away, torn between annoyance and vague amusement. He's got guilt signs written all over him-bet he's been snooping in Mulder's desk. I walk over and see that one of the drawers is open slightly.
Oh God. It's that drawer.
Doggett forgotten, I sit down in Mulder's seat and gently pull out the manuscript that had been so carelessly shoved back in. I stroke it tenderly, fixing folds and creases, and open up to the last chapter.
Chapter 10- Dealing With Abductions.
You can't. Don't even try. Just
go insane with obsession, and pray that some powerful force will have enough
mercy on your poor crazed soul to return her to you before you get yourself
killed.
There are no words to describe the feeling of failure when someone
is taken. I lost Samantha, and I thought I'd lost Scully. Both times, someone I
cared about wanted me to help. And I couldn't. I was helpless, unable to stop
it. I tried, but I failed.
Enter obsession. In Samantha's case, I was so desperate to find her I ignored Scully's safety. I spent my time chasing after a little girl I knew would be older and not likely to recognize me, if she could be found at all. But her cries had eaten their way into my nightmares, and I couldn't stop. Scully's voice did the same.
That's why they took Scully from me. They came damn close to breaking me then. Nowhere to search for her, Duane Barry dead, Krycek gone…it was as painful as losing Samantha. Perhaps more so. As a psychologist, I know that talk can be therapy. But to talk with Mrs. Scully as if Scully was gone…gone forever…I couldn't face the idea that she wouldn't return or would be found dead.
And so I kept looking. I ignored the x-files, for the first time in my work with them. Superiors wanted me to back off, but I wouldn't. Not if I could find her. Even if I had a case, for eventually I had to work, had to earn my pay, I thought only of her. Not even Samantha entered my mind during those weeks, after the initial moments. Samantha was then, and Scully was now. I hadn't found Samantha, but I thought I could find Scully and maybe redeem myself.
The FBI warns you during training, that losing a partner is possible. They tell you the risks. Everyone understands that their life is on the line every day, if they are in the field.
I didn't tell Scully there were other risks. That because of me, she would suffer. I had hoped it wouldn't happen, that splitting us up was enough. And I felt responsible in a way I never had before.
When she was found, lying there, between life and death, I was crazy. To lose a partner, a friend, is bad, but nowhere near as bad as the fact that they might die in front of you. People rarely return from death, even in the x-files.
Don't ever let Scully go unprotected, if it can be helped. I know that I'm contradicting my first chapter, but contradiction is in human nature. For anyone reading this, another or myself: Let Scully know the risks. Maybe you'll avoid losing her. If not, then never quit looking. It's impossible to go on alone.
Tears come to my eyes at this last sentence, and gently I stroke the page.
"Isn't that the truth," I whisper.