i.

The silence that swept through the house following Natalia and Frank's engagement party was almost devastating. Even with Emma bounding gleefully around the rooms, collecting all the plates and silverware for Natalia in order to avoid bedtime, the mood of the house remained uncomfortable and oppressive. What used to be the most natural and insignificant routines for Olivia and Natalia now seemed to threaten their very foundation, as if in the passing of dishes or tucking Emma into bed, should their fingers touch or eyes connect for even the slightest of moments, catastrophe would ensue and the world around them would shatter to pieces. The level of care they took now in avoiding each other was both impressive as it was stifling and offensive. There wasn't an affliction to be caught and yet, they acted as if there was.

After jointly putting Emma to bed, Olivia took the liberty of making Natalia and herself a cup of tea to share outside on the porch. Watching the stars sparkle high above the quiet countryside had become another usually pleasant and comforting nightly ritual, one that Olivia hadn't availed two thoughts for…until now. Before tonight, sitting close to her friend and sharing casual conversation before bed was normal. So normal that Olivia had taken it for granted. After even the worst of days, she'd always found comfort in this routine and now that she'd realized its importance to her life, all she wanted was to relish this precious time she had left with Natalia, sitting beside her and chatting with her until it was very late. But tonight they couldn't even look at each other without fear weighing heavily in their eyes. They weren't prepared for this, nor were they ready to see or feel what was becoming painfully obvious to them in the silent, secret depths of their hearts. Tonight they sat several strained inches away from one another and yet it felt like miles. Their smiles were tight and their words fought through static as they carefully considered every remark or question before allowing it to break free from their minds and fall from their lips.

Keeping her eyes averted, Olivia pretended to listen to Natalia's inconsequential discussion about some meeting she'd scheduled for Olivia tomorrow at the Beacon, all the while begging for the courage to just tell Natalia what she'd wanted to tell her earlier this evening, earlier this week. But after numerous diversions at the party and the complicating factor of Father Ray's blessing, Olivia felt it was too late. Natalia seemed committed to marry Frank and there was nothing she could do without the risk of losing her more than she already had. Privately, Olivia cursed herself for allowing all of this to get so out of hand. What was wrong with her? She never hid who she was to anyone before so why couldn't she just come out and say it now to someone she considered her best friend?

Before turning in for the night, instead of a last goodnight embrace, Natalia just smiled awkwardly at Olivia, lowered her eyes, and slowly walked up the stairs to her room. While flipping off the main lights downstairs, Olivia listened to Natalia's quiet footsteps above her, the soft running of water as she washed her face, and the opening and closing of dresser drawers as she changed into her pajamas. Olivia eventually made her way upstairs just as Natalia's door closed and the light that seeped out from under it went out. Thunderstruck by the magnitude of her hopelessness in this situation, Olivia stopped on the stairwell and looked down at the dark living room for a moment, recognizing that everything shrouded in moonlight was hers. This was her home. This was Emma's home. How could Natalia not see that and how could she not want to do everything in her power to preserve it?

Olivia lay awake for hours that night with nothing but irritatingly noisy crickets chirping outside to comfort her. She thought she'd done enough crying in the corners for one day, but apparently she didn't have a shortage of tears when it came to Natalia. She ached for her like she'd never ached for anyone. It terrified her, to be so dependant on another person, let alone someone like Natalia, but what terrified her more was the very real possibility that she was going to lose Natalia at any moment. No date for the wedding had been set, which meant that this horrible engagement could be dragged out to an eternity or her inevitable separation could be in a matter of days. For the first time in any relationship, Olivia had no control over anything and found herself begging for mercy.

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She didn't remember falling asleep, but Olivia certainly remembered waking up. Her alarm hadn't gone off so she must have overslept for Emma to come bursting into her room and hopping onto her bed, asking why she hadn't come down for breakfast.

Eyes puffy and red from the endless tears that had found new refuge on her pillow last night, Olivia made her best attempt at merriment on behalf of her daughter. "Mommy's not feeling well, that's all," she said, clearing her throat and sitting up in bed. Reaching for a tissue on her bedside table, Olivia dabbed her eyes and brushed away the remnants of last night's mascara.

"Are you sad, mommy?" Emma asked, concern written all over her young, sweet face.

Smiling weakly, Olivia took Emma up into her arms. "No," she lied. "I'm just tired." Kissing the top of Emma's head, "Come on," she said drawing back the sheets and getting out of bed so that Emma would follow. "You need to get to school." But when she got to the bedroom door, escorting Emma out into the hallway, she stopped. She didn't want to go downstairs and face Natalia. She was still hurting, angry even, over the fact that Natalia had deliberately made every attempt imaginable to deflect Olivia's feelings yesterday.

"Are you coming?" Emma complained at the top of the stairs, turning around.

"Mommy needs to get ready for her big meeting today and she's running very late. Make sure Natalia gets you off to school on time, okay?"

Emma rushed back to her mother and hugged her, dropping her head against Olivia's stomach and snuggling her gently.

It was heartbreaking. All of it. Did Emma even realize that when Natalia married Frank that they'd have to forgo the farmhouse she'd instantly called "home"? How could she? Olivia felt some obligation to sit down and talk about all of this with her daughter but if she wasn't able to deal with it, how in the hell was she supposed to broach the subject in a way that her daughter could understand? Natalia was just as much Emma's mother as Olivia nowadays, and Olivia couldn't bear having to explain to Emma that she was about to lose another parent, knowing that the bond they shared was profoundly vital to Emma.

Olivia watched her daughter skip down the stairs to her other mom who was probably fixing her lunch in the kitchen and felt more tears start to well up in her eyes. Returning to her room, Olivia closed the door and got back into bed.

"Where's your mom?" Natalia asked, taking Emma's coat down from the peg by the door once she'd made her way back to the kitchen.

"She's sick," she said, shoving the last few scoops of breakfast cereal into her mouth.

"Sick?" Natalia asked, looking up as if she'd be able to see through the ceiling and into Olivia's bedroom. "How sick?" She asked, wanting to go up and check on her, but too worried about what might happen if she did. Was she really sick or was she just…upset? Sighing, Natalia distracted herself by readying Emma for school. She didn't know how she'd gone from Olivia's caretaker to dancing around her in order to avoid something she couldn't even put a name to, but that something was still a subject that she couldn't even think about without feeling the need to fall to her knees and start praying.

Emma sat at the table quietly, watching Natalia as she dozed off into a silent reverie until she snapped out of it and clapped her hands to get herself and Emma's attention back on the matter at hand.

"Time for school," Natalia announced, finding any excuse to avoid the elephant in the house that stood between she and Olivia. "Come on, come on," she encouraged with a smile, picking up Emma's backpack and helping her into her coat and gloves before shoving her out the door with a tight hug and a warm smile.

Once the door closed, sealing her alone in the house with Olivia, Natalia's stomach started to churn uncomfortably. She looked up at the staircase and thought about knocking on Olivia's door, wanting to ask her how she was, if she needed anything, but before she could even get one foot on the bottom step, she walked away and retreated back to the safety of her kitchen. She could keep herself busy, she thought. Clean up what was left of Emma's breakfast, do some laundry, begin preparations for a special dinner tonight, go visit the ducks outside…

But it was wrong. In the deepest caverns of her heart, somewhere she was still so afraid to go, she knew Olivia wasn't sick. She probably wasn't even hung over. In her attempts to be cautious yesterday, Natalia had allowed her fear of the worst to get the best of her and as a result, she'd offended Olivia when all she'd tried to do was host a beautiful, memorable party on behalf of her engagement to Frank. She owed her an apology and yet, she still found herself completely incapable of walking up the stairs and knocking on Olivia's door.

All night and throughout this morning, Natalia had been thinking about Olivia and the more she thought of her, the more she craved her company. She wanted Olivia to instruct her on how to properly put away dishes and to supervise her as she folded laundry. She wanted to sit on the couch with her and bicker about whatever was being printed in today's newspaper over coffee. She wanted to lay her head against Olivia's chest and fall asleep for a mid-morning nap to the soft, ever strengthening beat of her heart. She felt so cared for, so adored when she was with Olivia, and she wanted so badly to be able to return such affection without the fear of social, emotional, and most importantly, spiritual condemnation. But she couldn't. When she wasn't thinking about Olivia, she was thinking about God and praying to Him for guidance. Every one of her prayers was immediately met with a pang of guilt, telling her to go upstairs and confront Olivia, which she naturally retaliated with yet another prayer.

What seemed like a couple of hours had only really been a little more than forty minutes and Olivia still hadn't left her room. She hadn't come down for coffee or breakfast, and her morning meeting at the Beacon was fast approaching. Checking the clock and believing that she had a legitimate reason to impede on Olivia's privacy without confronting that which she feared the most, Natalia took a deep breath and carefully made her way up the stairs.