House of the Akatsuki Chapter 7

There was a feeling Kakuzu couldn't quite describe every time he stepped through the double glass doors and into the air conditioned palace known as the public library. He would associate this feeling closely to peace however he hadn't really felt that for quite some time so it was somewhat foreign.

Kakuzu didn't enjoy many things in life, and although many would assume that sewing and obtaining money were his two favorite past-times, they were simply just neccesities in his complex existence.

Breathing in the smell of stiff paper and molding book binds, the miser felt more at home in this place then back in his home village. This was the place he came to for serenity in the most stressful times however the form following him through the double glass doors today seemed determined to make his life anything but serene.

"Aww Kakuzu why the fuck do we have to go to the library?" Hidan screamed and Kakuzu gave a groan as several library patrons stared awkwardly at the duo clad in cloaks. Kakuzu sighed, "Believe me Hidan I don't want you here anymore then you do, but its your fault. I set up a perfectly good alternative event for you, but you refused to take it."

Hidan seemed offended, "Alternative event? You took me down to the zoo and threw me into the tiger exhibit!" Kakuzu chuckled, "Yes and it would have kept you busy for a little while I enjoyed my readings. But you had to puss out and scream for the zookeepers."

As they neared the front desk, Hidan opened his mouth to speak, before Kakuzu cut him off, "Shut up Hidan" he muttered and rung the bell. Seemingly from under the desk a middle aged smiling woman appeared, "Can I help you Kakuzu-san?" she asked sweetly as Hidan screamed from her sudden appearence.

"Yes, I would like to update my library card, and since this idiot next to me will be staying with me, I believe he should get one too." Hidan growled, "I don't want no faggoty library card!" he screamed before a form was held to his face, "Ok sir just fill out this form and you too can enjoy the fabulous world of reading!" the woman screamed enthusiastically before disappearing under the desk in an instant.

As Hidan began to fill out the form, Kakuzu took this time to walk down the biography section of the building, admiring the vast array of books depicting various political and shinobi figures from across the centuries.

Stopping under the village leaders section, his threaded hands gingerly grasped a book on the 1st Hokage and pried it from it's confinement on the shelf.

Kakuzu hummed to himself as he took a seat near the front desk, and decided to listen in as Hidan handed his form in. The library lady took it and smiled, "Ok Dr. Cockmeat Huge Slong, here is your library card' she said sweetly and Kakuzu growled as Hidan laughed.

It was about fifthteen minutes later as Kakuzu read about the life of his worst enemy, taking the information of each page in like a vaccumn, while meanwhile Hidan began to walk through the magazine section.

After going across it several times, Hidan sighed and walked back up to the front desk, "Excuse me miss? I'm looking for a certain type of magazine and I don't see them on your display."

Kakuzu haulted his reading to easedrop on his partner's conversation once again. The library lady smiled, "And what kind of magazines would those be young man?"

"Oh you know, Hustler, Penthouse Forum, hell i'd even take a Playboy at this point" he muttered completly serious as the woman behind the counter gasped, a blush evident on her aging face.

Hidan's eyes widened as a strand of thread instantly circled around his neck, before he was roughly jerked away from the counter and towards Kakuzu's table. Upon reaching the table Kakuzu gripped the Jashinist by the collar and lifted him off the ground, "Listen here Hidan, this place is like a home to me-" he began in the most threatening voice he could muster, "-and if you would like to continue breathing while in my home, you will sit down and shut the fuck up...is that understood?"

Hidan surely saw Kakuzu pissed many times during their partnership, but as he gazed into the man's threatening multi-colored orbs, all words left him as he slowly nodded. "Good" the older man muttered before abruptly tossing him onto a chair across from him.

It seemed like an eternity for Hidan as he silently sat across Kakuzu, several times switching the position how he was sitting just to fight the bordom as Kakuzu calmly read his book.

After another two minutes of silence, Hidan finally snapped, "Fuck Kakuzu I can't take it anymore, how many hours must I idly sit here and wait for you?" he muttered.

Kakuzu growled, "Hidan, you've been sitting their for less then six minutes, why don't you actually go grab a book to read instead of bitching." Hidan seemed to like the idea, and after glaring at Kakuzu one last time, rose from his seat and entered the various rows of reading material.

Kakuzu sighed contently as he began to read about the 1st Hokage's battle against Madara Uchiha, reveling in each minute of silence due to Hidan's absense.

However several minutes later Kakuzu could hear laughing as his partner approached yet again, and it seemed that Hidan had found the newspaper section as the Jashinst slammed a newspaper down in front of him.

Kakuzu's eyes widened as a destroyed temple and hundreds of graves looked back at him, "Look Kakuzu, its a newspaper article of that time when we slaughtered all of those monks for that bounty!" Hidan yelled enthusiastically, and just a tad too loud for Kakuzu's liking.

Kakuzu's eyes darted back in forth at the shocked faces of all the library patrons, "Fun times, eh Kakuzu?" he asked before he omphed as Kakuzu quickly stood up and punched him square in the gut.

Hidan felt the newspaper being shoved into his arms, "Take this fucking thing back, and get yourself some real reading material you dipshit!" Kakuzu yelled threateningly as Hidan recedded away from the pissed off senior.

Several minutes later Hidan began a long, bored walk along the books on tape section. Deciding to give this literature a shot, he picked up a cassette of 'A Tale of Two Cities' and walked back to Kakuzu's table.

As soon as Kakuzu saw the cassette player, he warned him, "Keep that on low volume alright?" and Hidan nodded. Hitting the play button, the duo listened in, "We now present A Tale of Two Cities, as narrarated by the wonderful Tony Soprano".

Kakuzu and Hidan's eyes both widened slightly as they listened to the man give an intro, before an angry Jersey-accent voice came on, "Alright so it was the best of times and it was the worst of times...ah who the fuck am I kidding, it was just the worst of times. You see shit was really hittin the fan between the French peasents and the rich assholes, and this jackass named Jarvis Lorry ends up meeting with some seventeen year old broad named Lucie. Now before I go further into the story let me tell ya, for seventeen Lucie has a rack bigger then a cow's utters and an ass like-" Kakuzu and Hidan stared, mouths agape at the tape recorder as it went on.

After the tape recorder incident, Kakuzu began his reading in silence once again, and thankfully Hidan still hadn't come back with another book yet. However after awhile Kakuzu began to wonder what had happened to his partner.

Getting up Kakuzu began to walk down the rows of books before gasps and sounds of disgust were heard coming from the group of computers the library had.

With a low growl Kakuzu advanced towards the department and his eyes widened as he spotted Hidan on one of the various computers, on a website entitled and...with his...pants...off.

Hidan heard loud footsteps and when he realized it was Kakuzu he put on a big grin, "Man Kakuzu, you were right, this place has every-THIIING" Hidan choked his last syllable as a stitched up hand grasped around his throat and dragged him from the chair.

A few minutes later Hidan was bound and gagged by various threads to a chair at the table Kakuzu was sitting. As Hidan shouted muffeled obsenities through his gag, Kakuzu came back from the rows of books with several books about financing, but pulled one out of the pile and threw it at Hidan's head.

"Here, I found this in the religion's section" the miser muttered as he sat down and opened a book on money management.

The Jashinist looked down and his eyes widened when a book about the history and philosophy of the Jashin religion stared back at him. Struggling with his bonds, the silver-haired murderer was able to free his left hand and opened the book, reading it carefully.

It was about this time that a group of three including a thin blonde girl, fat redhead, and a fit young man with a cigarette in his mouth walked up to the library, "Aww man what a drag...I don't feel like doing this" Shikamaru muttered to his friends Chouji and Ino.

Ino humphed, "Look Shikamaru, we promised to help you study for the test Tsunade requested so you can take Asuma-sensei's position." Shikmaru's eyes narrowed slightly at the name of his deceased sensei's name, "One day...I'm gonna make those bastards pay who killed him" he muttered before putting out the cigarette and walking in with his friends.

Inside Hidan chuckled behind his gag frequently while reading about the various rituals that his religion's people performed. However as he heard the door to the library open, he instinctivley looked up momentarily, and his eyes widened in shock as the Ino-Shika-Cho team walked in.

Shikamaru sighed as he looked at the various books before his eyes widened just as wide as Hidan's as he saw the two Akatsuki members sitting at a table about 20 feet from their position. Putting on a scowl, he nudged his friends and the trio began their advance on the Zombie duo.

Kakuzu who had his back to the door, looked up as muffeled yells coming from Hidan caught his attention. The miser raised an eyebrow as Hidan began to frantically yell from behind his gag, and pointed with his free hand behind Kakuzu's head, "What...what is it?"

Hidan's yells became even more desperate as he began to lash around against his bonds before Kakuzu gave a sigh, and pulled off the gag, "Ok Hidan, what the hell do you want?"

"LOOK BEHIND YOU, YOU DUMB FUCK!" Kakuzu's eyes slightly widened and he turned around, only to be punched by an extremely enlarged fist, compliments of Chouji.

Hidan watched in horror as his partner's body flew down the rows of books before disappearing into the distance. Slowly turning to the three Konoha shinobi, he put on his most innocent grin, "S-so how have things been for you guys?" he asked.

Shikamaru gave an sadistic grin, "Oh this is just too good to be true" he laughed and pulled out a kunai. Ino's eyes watched the kunai with slight hesitance, "Shi-Shikamaru...do you really think this is the right thing to do?"

Shikamaru humphed, "No...but neither was killing Asuma-Senpai." Hidan stared at the kunai and laughed, "Hah, I'm immortal...what are you gonna do huh?" Shikamaru stared into his purple eyes, "Yes your immortal...but your gonna wish you were dead when I chop your dick off" he chuckled evily.

Hidan let out an ear-piercing shriek as the kunai began it's descent in between his bound legs, before a fist attached to long threads flew from behind Hidan and punched Shikamaru right in the face.

The ninja flew through the air with a yell, Ino and Chouji looking over in horror, "Shikamaru!" Ino screamed and the threaded hand wasted no time grasping Hidan's chair and pulling it out from the table and into the rows of books.

Seconds later a kunai slashed Hidan's binds and the Jashinist was free, "Whew, thanks Kakuzu I owe you one" he said happily before the miser put a hand over his mouth, "Shut up Hidan...do you hear that?" he asked as a rolling sound was heard, the ground starting to rumble beneath their feet.

The Akatsuki duo slowly began to back away from the bookshelf they were standing next too, before diving in opposite directions as a bloated Chouji rolled right through the shelf.

"Boulder-Jutsu!" Chouji screamed as Kakuzu ran one direction while Hidan ran towards the other. As Chouji reverted back to normal size, Ino and Shikamaru walked up, "They can't hide forever...spread out, but don't engage them alone...they may be idiots but they are still Akatsuki."

Several bookshelfs over, Hidan panted heavily as he frantically looked around for Kakuzu or any incoming threats. Finding none he carefully crept over to another bookshelf, before he heard a "Psst!" come from a couple shelves over.

Hidan sighed in relief at seeing Kakuzu, and the old man began to communicate to Hidan using a bunch of hand signs, eager to maintain silence or risk giving away their position.

Hidan's only response was a raised eyebrow and a whispered, "What?" and Kakuzu growled angerly before chucking a book that smacked Hidan against the head.

Hidan clutched his injured head and glared daggers at his partner, but Kakuzu pointed towards the book he threw. "Sign Language for Dummies" Hidan muttered before opening the book up and waiting for Kakuzu to repeat his message.

"Head...for...the...exit...you...stupid...mother...fucker" Hidan muttered as he decoded Kakuzu's message. However Hidan being Hidan took offense and screamed loudly, "Oh fuck you Kakuzu!" This was rewarded with several paper bombs hitting books near Kakuzu and Hidan's positions, and exploding.

The explosion pushed Kakuzu and Hidan's bodies across the library, all the patrons long gone since the start of the brawl. They came to a skidding stop in the middle of the building, both stumbling to their feet in a daze.

However their movements were sharply restricted as a long black line seemed to engulf both of their shadows. Struggling to raise their heads, Shikamaru appeared with a dark chuckle, his shadow possession jutsu taking full effect as Hidan and Kakuzu stood helpless against the trio of shinobi.

"I...should have left you to di-die" Kakuzu struggled to mutter to Hidan who in return muttered a simple "F-f-fuck you". Shikamaru slowly raised his hand in the air, and had total satisfaction as Kakuzu and Hidan mimiced his movements, "Perfect...got you."

Kakuzu silently glared and Hidan gulped, "Wh-what are you gonna do to us...make us fight to the death or something?" he asked. Shikamaru's response was to nod at Ino who produced a Boombox and a Los Del Rio cassette, "My dear friend Ino here found these classic items over at the music section, and what you may not realize is that Ino's father is the ultimate person used for interrogation and torture."

Hidan raised an eyebrow, "Wait...your gonna torture us with some 90s Spanish music?" he asked skeptically, and Shikamaru laughed, "You fool...don't you remember what song Los Del Rio sung that drove millions mad with it's insane dance, its haunted wedding receptions and banquets ever since!"

Ino sighed and pressed the button, resulting in an electric guitar solo. Shikamaru began to bob his head to the side, Hidan and Kakuzu folloing suit. Kakuzu's eyes widened in horror, "Oh God...its the MACARENA!"

A la tuhuelpa legria macarena
Que tuhuelce paralla legria cosabuena
A la tuhuelpa legria macarena Eeeh, macarena

A-hai A-hai

Hidan and Kakuzu could only watch in horror as their bodies began to do the macarena dance, something both have always dreaded doing during parties. Hidan was the first to crack as the song ended and instantly repeated, "Aaaah Jashin make it stop! Its so...its so...GAY!"

When I dance they call me macarena
and the boys they say that I´m buena
they all want me, they can´t have me
So they all come and dance beside me
move with me jam with me
and if your good i take you home with me
A la tuhuelpa legria macarena
Que tuhuelce paralla legria cosabuena
A la tuhuelpa legria macarena Eeeh, macarena
A-Hai A-Hai

About 9 playthroughs later Ino and Chouji began to worry about their friend who began to cackle madly as he led the Akatsuki pair through another round of the Macarena, "Shi-Shikamaru are you sure your ok?" Chouji asked.

"Shut up Chouji! These people drove me mad when they took our sensi away from us, i'm just repaying the favor!" Shikamaru yelled as Hidan continued his wailing cries.

It was about 2 playthroughs later that Shikamaru's chakra began to weaken just enough for Kakuzu to be able to snake a thread from his leg which quickly wrapped around the boombox and roughly tossed it across the room and into Shikamaru's head.

The shinobi yelled as the plastic collided with his head, instantly stopping the tape. The Akatsuki wasted no time as the justu was released, and hauled ass for the exit, "Screw this fight, lets just get the fuck out of here and go home!" Hidan screamed, and Kakuzu nodded while they continued their run.

As Ino and Chouji bent down to aid Shikamaru up, the raven-haired ninja abruptly pushed them away and pulled out a hand full of paperbombs, "Oh no you don't!"

Ino gasped at all of the paper bombs, "Shikamaru! Stop!" but it was too late as the bombs flew towards the top of the facility, and the roof exploded into a hailstorm of rocks and debri.

Kakuzu and Hidan felt the ground shake and looked up to see the incoming bombardment, "Oh shit! Kakuzu!" Hidan screamed as he was engulfed along with his partner. Ino screamed as well as she hugged Shikamaru before Chouji dove on top of the two.

On the outside of the smoldering rubble, various civilians of the small no-name village began to crowd around, shock and worry evident on most faces as they watched the wreckage in silence.

Suddenly a large fist punched through some of the wreckage, and out popped an enlarged Chouji, dragging a dazed Shikamaru and Ino with him. As the three coughed for air, Shikamaru looked around, "Ugh...what happend?" he asked before Ino punched him on the cheek, "You idiot! What the hell were you thinking!"

Shikamaru was honestly suprised of himself, he was usually so calculating but just the thought of the Akatsuki getting away made him black out with rage, and it almost cost him his team, "Guys...I...I'm sorry" he muttered. Ino looked at him for a second before sighing, and giving him a hug.

Shikamaru and Ino smiled at each other before their eyes widened as Chouji's enlarged hands wrapped around the two. Picking them both up, he squeezed, "Biiiig hug!" he laughed as Shikamaru and Ino started turning blue.

Over on the other side of the rubble, A three-bladed scythe slashed through the rubble and out stumbled Hidan, gasping for breath. Reaching back into the rubble he grasped Kakuzu's hand, "Ok Kakuzu lets go...huh?" muttered Hidan as he tugged on Kakuzu's hand, only to find long strands of thread.

Growling, the Jashinist began pulling the thread for a good two minutes before he heard a grown, and with one final tug the old miser was out.

Kakuzu muttered a bunch of gutteral sounds as Hidan began to drag him down the road and away from the rubble. Halfway down the road, the older ninja became concoius enough to stand up, "Ow...that hurt" he muttered and Hidan laughed as he patted his partner's back.

As they walked down the road, Hidan rubbed the back of his head awkwardly, "Hey Kakuzu...sorry about ruining your library trip and...uh...thanks for...you know...rescuing me back there when I was about to get my nuts chopped off." This time it was Kakuzu's turn to awkwardly rub his head, "No problem...and...thanks for pulling me out of the rubble."

Hidan grinned, "Hey, don't sweat it ya old fuck, thats what friends are for." Kakuzu raised an eyebrow at the word 'friend', but decided to just nod his head. However before he began walking again, Hidan pulled out a cassette player, and a cassette tape from his cloak.

Kakuzu's eyes widened at the sight of the same cassette they were forced to dance to, "Aw come on Kakuzu, no ones watching this time...one more time, pleeease" Hidan begged and Kakuzu sighed, "Eh fine what the hell" he muttered.

Hidan grinned as he removed the Tale of Two Cities cassette and inserted the Los Del Rio tape he swipped from the wreckage. Setting the volume to high, Hidan and Kakuzu continued their walk towards home while dancing to the beat.

Dancing away into the setting sun, Kakuzu had to admit that going to the library alone was always peaceful, but going with Hidan was definatly more intresting.

Eeeh, macarena

A-Hai A-Hai!