Chapter One:

The Making of a Heart

"How much time?" asked Grissom.

"There's really no way to…"

"I need to put some things in order," Grissom said as he tried to smooth the imaginary wrinkle from his slacks.

"Get them in order," warned the physician.

Grissom grabbed the medical report and practically ran out of the office.

"I don't even have to turn around, Sara Sidle"

"That's me."

He sat there in his vehicle, still, not moving, not thinking, and not focusing on anything except the beating of his heart.

I first knew you by your face….

Now I know you by the sound my heart makes whenever I think about you…

He sat there in his vehicle as he stared at the report. He could be clinical about this and have Doc take a look but then it would mean divulging his condition. He was not prepared to do anything of the sort. He could sum up his entire life in just one word.

Sara…

He leaned back and closed his eyes.

Sara smiling…

She smiled at him during the lecture and it disrupted his thoughts causing him to lose his train of thought. She had the ability to do that. He wasn't the only affected by her smile. Nick and Greg seemed to swoon every time she'd flash it in their direction. He was envious of them. It had not been directed at him in well…he couldn't remember.

Sara laughing…

She laughed all the time when she first came to Vegas. Her laugh was infectious. It suddenly stopped. There was a period when she rarely smiled or laughed. He missed it. Their circumstances had somehow taken the life out of her.

Sara teasing…

He enjoyed her innocence. She was anxious and willing and eager to please but he was cautious, reluctant and indifferent. The teases became torments. He took advantage of her youth and inexperience, trapping her into a no win situation. As much as she yearned, Grissom resisted.

Sara asking…

He refused to have breakfast or dinner or drinks or any kind of personal thing that might be construed that he was falling hopelessly in love with her because it would be a lie. He loved her the moment she smiled at him.

Sara crying…

If there was ever a root cause of his heart condition it had to be the effect her tears had on him. One drop and he felt as if a fist were choking his heart. A full blown bout of tears unnerved him to the point that he found himself stifling the lump in his throat. He didn't like the effect she had on him. It wasn't that Sara Sidle was emotional. It was just that she chose to share her emotions with no one except Grissom. She pretended to be tough but in private moments she let him see her vulnerability. He never returned the kindness.

Sara pleading…

He never understood what she saw in him. She was persistent but then so was he. One slip of weakness and he knew she would discover his true feelings and he could never have that. He needed to keep his distance in order to maintain this charade of boss and employee. He could accept just being near her…well, most of the time.

Sara dejected…

Her reaction to his rejections baffled him. He never thought he was worthy of anyone. He'd been a bachelor and loner for far too long. It wasn't by choice but rather a necessity because Grissom tended to fall hopelessly in love and that was not a good thing to do when one came from a family with genetic disposition to heart problems. As he watched her spiral downward, he hated himself. He'd been warned about the drinking. Brass had confronted her but she had denied it and inwardly he wished she would learn to hate him.

Sara distant…

He blamed himself as she hardened herself against the job and life and love. Perhaps it was one too many rejections, refusal to accept what his heart had been telling him for years. Distant was good. It made things easy for him. There were no confrontations of the heart and that was a good thing where Grissom was concerned but for Sara she learned to hide within herself.

Sara loving…

He saw a change come over her and thought she might have recovered from the rejection. He feared she had when he heard about a certain paramedic.

He breathed in deeply letting the pain slowly filter through to his brain. He pulled out a piece of paper and began making notes. Getting your affairs in order would take time and it was not something he had.

The paramedic came and went but she didn't seem to care that Hank Pettigrew had turned out to be just a diversion.

He'd advised her to get a diversion. It came and went. Sara was searching for something more. Sara wanted a life. Grissom was now willing to give that to her until his heart betrayed him.

It's not a heart condition…

Grissom glanced in the mirror. He looked and felt better than he had in weeks. The time off had made him feel stronger. There was minimal pain. It wasn't like it was a month ago when he had clutched his chest as his knees hit the ground. It had been an eye opener to say the least when he searched in agony but found himself alone. He had dismissed everyone from the crime scene and had chosen to finish up on his own. Five hours later, he was heaving. He contributed it to the steep incline he had to climb in order to return to the Denali. It did not end once he had managed to struggle back to the vehicle. He leaned against the back of the vehicle, gasping for breath.

It's a condition of the heart…

He blamed it on his stupidity. He had been hurt when he learned she had gone out with Detective Blake. Blake Williams was different. He was a nice guy. He was young, personable, dedicated to his job, smart and for the moment he had become Sara's current diversion. Grissom had watched from a distance when she slipped out of the lab as soon as the shift ended and was seen once or twice, quietly talking with Blake. The sad part was that Grissom liked the man. He had always been good at his job and respected their line of work. He was a good man. Grissom cursed.

From a paramedic to a detective…

He should be happy. Blake was much better than Hank Pettigrew. Hank had been a mistake from the beginning but he knew Sara was only dating him for a distraction. He wondered what she considered Blake. He decided his heart could not take the truth at the moment.

My heart is broken…

He dismissed the physician's medical expertise. His heart had been fine until he met Sara Sidle. She had affected him the moment he first laid eyes on her. His poor heart was not prepared for this type of shock. Besides, he wasn't supposed to have feelings. At least that's what she had told him one night and he was sure that's when the shortness of breath began.

She broke my heart…

He would gladly give his heart to her on a platter but he wasn't sure she would want it anymore. It was too fragile and damaged.

He felt old at the moment. He scribbled some more on his list before sticking it down into his briefcase. There were things to do and do them quick. He visualized the list and decided he was never good at paperwork. Given that, he did not think he would ever have his affairs in order.

Just one…

The one that means the most…

Sara…

He found himself sitting in his vehicle outside the lab. He wasn't even sure when he had arrived. Things seemed to get mixed up these days and he blamed it on the medication.

Medication…

Shit…

He popped the pill and downed some of the bottled water.

There was a slight tap on his windshield and he turned to find Brass there.

"You lost your beeper?" he asked.

Grissom fumbled in his pocket, finding the beeper with his fingers but he kept it hid.

"I guess I did," Grissom replied.

"Got a 419," said Brass eyeing him. "Anything wrong?"

"No," he said quickly as he stepped out of his vehicle, grabbing the message from Brass.

"See you soon," called Brass.

Grissom threw up his hand as he walked inside.

He stopped for a moment and looked around.

He could hear the others in the break room already. It was not like him to be late but then upon glancing at the clock, he was merely on time.

Grissom stood there in the doorway and listened to the banter. Greg was busy chatting with Sara while Nick and Warrick discussed a case. Catherine was busy on the phone with Lindsey. It was nothing and yet it had become his life for the past five years. Sara's laugh floated in the air and he had to lean against the doorway, begging his heart to stay in rhythm as it responded to the sound of her laughter.

Turn Sara and see me…

Turn and smile…

Smile for me…

Minutes passed and yet he remained perfectly still, waiting for her to notice him. She turned, catching sight of him standing there quietly. It seemed odd. He seemed different and yet he looked better than he had in weeks. He had taken time off, gone out of town because he had seemed more tired than usual.

She knew little details since they had not been on the best of terms of late. They had said little to one another ever since Hank had been exposed. She had kept to herself and he had stumbled across her once or twice crying in the locker room but not knowing how to fix a broken heart, he decided he needed to fix his own first because it was too painful to be near her in those moments when he was certain that the tears belonged to him. It didn't matter because soon the tears disappeared when Blake suddenly became a fixture in the lab.

Their eyes met but there was no smile.

He stared at her intently as if he thought he could will her to smile but instead she looked away.

"Hey Griss," called Catherine. "You're late…by your standards."

He smiled slightly. He held up the message in his hand. "Jim gave me this."

They groaned.

Catherine rattled off the last assignments that had been handed out by her in his absence. He wasn't listening. He could see her lips moving but he did not bother with the words. They were jumbled in his brain anyway as he turned to leave but called over his shoulder.

"Sara…you're with me."

The others glanced at Sara as she let the pencil drop onto her pad. She glanced at Catherine for a moment but stood, gathering her things and then left.

"Uhm, isn't it my turn?" asked Nick.

"I guess he needed Sara," said Warrick.

Catherine stared at the empty doorway. "Apparently so..."

Sara grabbed her jacket and turned just as Grissom stuck his head into the locker room.

"Got your kit?" he asked.

"In my car," she said.

She stopped suddenly when he announced, "You're driving."

It was strange.

She could count on two fingers the number of times Gil Grissom ever let her drive and this was one of them. He was already sitting in the Denali when she came out, tossing in her kit and then settling behind the wheel.

"Where to?" she asked.

He rattled off the address and she started the engine.

She glanced in his direction once or twice pretending to check the side view mirror.

He looked straight ahead.

"How've you been?" he asked.

She looked shocked.

He rarely asked anything personal.

"Fine."

Her answer seemed to bother him.

"I was gone for a month," he said hesitantly. Did you miss me, Sara?

He looked at her now.

She did not know how to respond. It wasn't a question. She did better with question and answer conversations with Grissom.

He continued.

"I've never been gone that long," he added.

Oh…

I get it…

He's worried about the lab and how it fared during his absence…

He's pumping me for information…

"Things were kind of slow with you gone. No doubles to work. We didn't miss you if that is what you're worried about."

It hurt, both physically and emotionally.

She thought her response would have made him happy. She wasn't sure how it made him feel since he turned away.

Maybe I wasn't convincing…

"Griss, the lab can survive without you."

He felt as if she had kicked him in the chest.

It's cruel Sara to kick a man when he's down…

He sat there in the vehicle not moving even though Sara had parked the Denali and was already grabbing her kit.

Time to do what you do Grissom…

Tend to the dead…

He wondered who would tend to his body once the end came. Images flashed of Brass standing over his body with a disapproving look while Doc discussed with David the intricacy of extracting a heart.

Sara grabbed her kit and noticed he had not even bothered to remove his from the vehicle. He shivered for a moment unsure whether he was being too macabre.

Doc will pass me off to someone else…

He remembered the countless number of autopsies he had witnessed with Doc. He had seen the man slice and dice a body in just minutes, weighing each organ with precise accuracy.

How much does a heart weigh?

He knew he should know the answer to this but for the moment he couldn't think of it. His brain was muddled at times. He blamed it on his condition.

He stepped into the house and followed the voices.

Brass was chatting with an officer.

How much does a heart weigh?

Grissom glanced down at the body lying on the bathroom floor.

"Looks like a heart attack to me," said Brass. "Should be a quick wrap up tonight."

Grissom stood there staring at the body.

This is supposed to be some sick joke, right?

The guy dies of a heart attack while I'm trying not to have my own…

"Hey Griss?"

When he did not respond to Brass, he felt a tap on his shoulder. "Going to just stand there or work?"

"Hmmm?"

"Where's your kit?" asked Brass.

Grissom glanced down at his empty hand.

Shit…

He mumbled something as he walked back out.

Sara stood at the entry.

"Where do you want me?" she asked.

It was an innocent question she had posed numerous times before at a crime scene and yet now he found it too painful to answer.

With me Sara…

How much does a heart weigh?

He opened his mouth but said nothing as he stepped past her.

Brass saw the exchange.

Sara looked confused.

"What's up with him?" asked Sara to Brass.

"Must have been some vacation," muttered Brass.

He never said it was a vacation. It had been referred to as "time off." A vacation meant he had planned the trip. It hadn't seemed planned. One minute he was there and the next they were being told he was taking time off. Word came from Ecklie rather than Catherine.

Even Catherine had thought that it was strange but then the last six months had been strange. Grissom had turned himself into a one man lab, working all hours of the day and night, doing lab work himself rather letting a technician but it had all come to a screeching halt when he had gone without any word to the unit.

How much does a heart weigh?

Does it matter if it's broken?

She jumped when she heard the kit drop to the floor beside her as she photographed the body.

"Doc is running late," said Brass.

"I found these on his bedside table," said Sara handing Grissom the bagged evidence.

"Heart medication," read Grissom.

"Like I said, it is a classic case of heart attack," quipped Brass. "Man was taking a shower and then keeled over before he could even get dressed."

Grissom glanced into the bathroom.

"No one missed him until he was scheduled to come into work," added the officer.

"Poor smuck lived alone," said Brass. "Live alone, you die alone. That used to bother me until I got married. Being alone is better."

Doc entered the room. "What do we have tonight?"

"Heart attack," said Brass and Sara.

Doc glanced at Grissom. "Gil, you don't look convinced."

"Never expect the obvious," he said.

Well, that sort of sounded like the old Grissom thought Sara.

Doc rolled the man over while Sara continued to collect evidence.

"I've got semen," she announced over by the bed.

"Maybe he got lucky one last time," said Doc.

"Now, that's how I want to go out," said Brass. "…with a bang."

Doc glanced over at Grissom. "What's the matter with you tonight? That should be your line."

"He definitely had company," called Sara as she continued to collect evidence from the bed.

Grissom went through the motions as he waited until the body was removed.

"How was the vacation?" asked Doc.

"Vacation?" asked Grissom.

"You took time off," said Doc glancing over at Brass.

"Yes, it was time off," he clarified.

Sara head tilted toward the conversation.

Well that sort of makes sense…

It wasn't planned…

It just happened…

But why?

He walked through each room, imagining the last moments the man spent alive.

I wonder if he had any warning signals…

Most have warning signals…

He glanced around the house.

"What are you looking for?" asked Sara.

"Hmmm?"

"Did we miss something?" she asked.

"Photos," he said.

"Photos?"

"There are no photos," he said. "He was with someone but yet there are no pictures."

Sara's mouth curled into a frown. "He had sex…you think just because he had sex there would be photos…it was probably a one night stand…pick up and drop off or call up and deliver…anything is possible in this town," muttered Sara.

"My! Has the little lady changed?" said Doc.

"Vegas just opened my eyes," replied Sara. "It's sex, drugs, alcohol and gambling…nothing more."

Grissom looked shocked. "You don't really think that…do you?"

"This town reeks of death," said Sara. "It's no place to live."

Grissom continued to search.

It seemed to irritate Sara.

"There are no photos because he lived alone…some people prefer to be alone," gritted Sara.

That's three shots in one night Sara…

They finished up the crime scene within a few hours.

Sara dropped the last of the evidence into the Denali.

Grissom glanced at his watch.

"It's past dinner," he said.

Question and answer Grissom…

I do better with question and answer…

"Want to have dinner?" he asked sounding quite odd.

She looked dumbstruck.

"Dinner?"

Note from author:

Welcome back everyone. Sorry for the delay…blame it on…the weather…Anyway, this story is quite different…hang in there. I won't disappoint… have I ever?

Take care.