A/N: Okay, so here's a new oneshot fic for you guys. Beware, there's a LEMON. Albeit, it's not a very descriptive lemon, since I didn't feel like being very descriptive, but still. It's sex. Only mature readers please. :) If it's not your thing, don't read it. I'm warning you now for your own good.

This fic is titled after the song It Only Hurts by Default. There's a link to the song on my profile page for anyone who wants to hear it.

Disclaimer: I don't own Rose or any of the characters from Vampire Academy. They belong to Richelle Mead.

- It Only Hurts -

I knocked softly on his door. I didn't expect him to be awake. It was a late Sunday night – by academy standards, so I didn't even think he would be awake. But I just wanted to be near somebody that I knew liked me. And I know he liked me. He was one of the only people I could trust these days.

Everything with Dimitri was so fucked up. Lissa was everywhere but with me, it seemed like. I felt so alone. I was always alone. I mostly didn't know what to do with myself. I wished Lissa could spare some of her time for me. But that sort of thinking just made me jealous of Christian. And wishing something between me and Dimitri was just asking for all sorts of trouble. Not that things weren't already complicated as it was. And worst of all, I'd never really forgiven myself for Mason's death. If it wasn't the guy I liked ignoring me throughout the day, it was my best friend never having any time for me. And if it wasn't that, it was remembering Mason's face as he died.

I just needed somebody to talk to.

I was standing outside of his room, my arms wrapped around myself. It was sort of drafty on this side of the dorm. I saw a light switch on from the inside. The door opened a crack and I could see a portion of his face in the dim light from the hall. "Rose?" Eddie whispered. "What are you doing?"

"Let me in… please," I begged. I was standing outside of his door in just my pajamas, barefoot even. I'd get into trouble if one of the monitors saw me outside of my room since it was way after curfew. I'd be in even more trouble if I was found up here on the boys' floor so late at night. It would obviously look like something else, even though it wasn't. He opened the door wider and stepped off to the side so that I could enter.

He didn't have a roommate. Seniors mostly had their own rooms. It was called having seniority over the underclassmen. And it was a right blessing.

It was much warmer in here than it was back out in the hallway. His bed was rumpled with the blankets pulled back on one side, and he'd switched on his bedside lamp, I'd noticed. He was wearing a plain white t-shirt and some pretty cute boxer shorts. He must have been sleeping. "Did I wake you?" I asked him, taking a seat on his bed.

"No," he simply said. "I couldn't sleep."

I bit my lip. I couldn't sleep some nights, like tonight, so I knew how that felt. I hated how it felt to be so tired but unable to let sleep take me. Sleep eluded me a number of nights these days. Sometimes it was because Lissa and Christian were getting it on in the church attic. But most times, it was because I had so much in my head. My life was so messed up.

Late at night was when Mason haunted me. Not his ghost, but the thought of him I mean. It hurt to think that I might have been able to do more to save him… how I'd gotten him in the situation to begin with. I couldn't forgive myself for everything that happened. And it hurt to see Eddie sometimes. He'd changed so much in the past few weeks since Spokane. He was still friendly and he could still laugh, which I guessed was a good thing. But there was no mistaking the darkness around him now. It sort of mirrored the darkness in me. And I hated how he'd changed. He was always so lighthearted before. He didn't take things seriously. I guess he never needed to.

That change in him was my fault too.

He sat beside me on the edge of his bed, the mattress dipping under his weight. I leaned back onto my elbows, letting out a sigh. "I'm sorry Eddie," I said. "I know it's late. It's just… I didn't want to be alone tonight."

"It's fine," he said, and I could see the small smile on his face. He was always so nice to me. He was comfortable, and I liked how it was so easy to be around him. He wouldn't ask me difficult questions or try to pry into my personal issues. Eddie was such a good guy.

Mason had been a good guy too, and I suppose that was why he and Eddie had been such close friends. I know Eddie missed him. I missed Mason too. I missed his smile. I missed his jokes. I even missed how he looked at me and flirted with me. I wondered if things had been different, would I have been able to love him. If I hadn't been so involved with Dimitri. If I'd just given him a real chance. If I hadn't wanted to hurt Dimitri that night… Mason might still be alive now.

I closed my eyes, tipping my head back. And even though I couldn't see him, I could still feel him next to me. I felt his eyes watching me, undoubtedly filled with curiosity. He was probably wondering what in the hell I was doing here so late at night. Probably wondering why I'd chosen him over my best friend.

Truthfully, he was the only person I could feel normal around.

So it startled me when I felt him lean towards me, felt him brush against my shoulder. I looked up at him with surprise in my eyes. He'd pushed up the strap of my tank top that had slipped down my arm.

"Sorry…" he mumbled, immediately allowing me my personal space. A passing look of something much like embarrassment crossed his features.

"It's okay," I said, sitting up, inadvertently touching my shoulder where his skin had brushed mine. I felt goosebumps rise on my skin. I don't think Eddie had ever intentionally touched me before, other than when I periodically tugged him into hugs or slapped him the occasional high-five.

Somehow, in that brief brush of his fingertips on my skin, I didn't feel so alone.

I sat there looking at him. He was staring into his lap, and I wondered what was with that look in his eye. He looked a lot less like a man right now, and more like a troubled little boy. It hurt to see him this way and not be able to do anything about it.

"You miss him," I said softly, recognizing that same sadness I could feel in myself. Only his was a different kind of sadness. Where mine was a guilty sadness, a self deploring sadness, his was not. It didn't take a genius to figure it out. I knew what Eddie's damage was. I just couldn't fix it. Nobody could. Nothing I said could take away any of the pain. We'd been recited the same shit over and over again by just about every person at the academy.

There was nothing you could have done.

It was his choice.

You can't blame yourself.

Even if the truth of the matter was that there was nothing else I could have done, and despite the fact that Mason chose to go to Spokane, I could still blame myself. I still did. It was agonizing, that every day I lived was another day that Mason didn't. It broke my heart that he'd been killed, and he was barely a man when he'd been taken. And no matter what, I would still be the one that had sparked the turn of events that had taken him from me. And from Eddie.

"It was my fault," I whispered. Eddie looked at me suddenly.

"Why do you say that?" he asked, actual shock in his voice and in his eyes.

"Because…," I started uneasily. "I told him about Spokane." I could already feel the sting at the back of my eyes.

Eddie flinched just hearing the name of the place where our lives had been changed. He closed his eyes. I started to reach out a hand to him, intending to take his hand in mine. And then I suddenly thought that he might recoil from me. And really, I felt it was what I deserved. How could he forgive me for what I'd done? I couldn't even forgive myself. But when he didn't withdraw away from me, I felt a sense of relief flush through me. This comfort, this closeness to him really helped my heart, I realized. It was somebody else's warmth. It was like I was absorbing something from him. I couldn't explain it. It was nice being so close to somebody, when I'd been feeling so isolated from everybody. He squeezed my hand tightly, and I squeezed back. Maybe he needed this comfort too.

He tugged me closer, and I yielded into him. He held me tight and it was the most comforting hug I'd ever had in my life. Maybe it was because I was starved of attention, and just this little bit was restorative to my attention whore tendencies. But it felt so, so nice being held by somebody that actually felt genuine affection for me. I wanted more of that.

"I don't blame you," he whispered, his voice rough. He rested his cheek against the top of my head. I held him just a little bit tighter. Hearing that note of sadness in his broken voice really shattered my resolve, and I felt something in my throat choking me. My eyes stung.

I wanted to confide in him. I wanted to tell him all of my troubles, just for the sake of telling somebody! There was so much in my heart and in my head, and every day it was getting harder and harder to keep it all inside. I was struggling to keep myself together these days, struggling to keep all of my pieces from falling apart. Whatever glue it was that held me together was growing weaker each day, and nobody seemed to notice. Or care. I wished I could tell Dimitri how much of a living hell he was putting me through some days. And other days, I wished that he would just throw me up against a wall and kiss me until we both couldn't breathe. I wished that Lissa and I could spend more time with each other. I wished I didn't get so jealous over Christian. I wished that I could stop blaming myself for what happened to Mason.

I wished that this darkness in me would just go away.

I clung to Eddie, feeling so vulnerable. The tears leaked out of my eyes and my whole body was shaking. He reclined against the headboard of his bed and just held me. His warmth was so soothing. It chipped away at some of the loneliness that had twisted itself around me.

He rubbed his hands up and down my arms, and I realized then that I felt cold, despite how warm his skin and his room and his bed were. I wiped at my eyes, feeling guilty and stupid. This was probably the weirdest thing I could have ever done to Eddie. But he never let on that he minded. He hadn't been giving me too weird looks since I'd knocked on his door. Just emitted honest surprise at my presence. I didn't exactly believe he'd go around tomorrow at school telling everybody that I'd cried in his room last night.

I knew I could be weak sometimes. Wasn't I allowed to be weak sometimes?

My fingers gripped at his shirt, unprepared and unwilling to let this comfort go so quickly. It was sort of like, if my heart wasn't repaired right at this moment, I might never be able to get better.

I sought his lips then, I didn't know why. Eddie never held much of an attraction for me. Sure, he was cute, and he was my friend, definitely. But he felt more like a brother. Which was why this was so confusing and different. His lips gently caressed mine, and I can remember wondering, when had it been that Eddie had learned to kiss girls. He wasn't too bad at it.

His lips were soft, softer than they let on. And he tasted faintly of toothpaste. There was no spark between us. This kiss didn't drip with desire, neither did it hold any amount of feral love. This wasn't anything like the spell that had entranced Dimitri and me. That had been lust in its most unadulterated form. This wasn't even like kissing Mason or any of the other boys I'd teased. That had always been kissing for the sake of kissing.

This was something else entirely.

This was being close to somebody. This was needing to feel the warmth of another body in your arms. This was about survival and had nothing to do with love. It wasn't even friendship. It was about staying sane. It was about hurting and healing. Recovering.

I pulled away slowly, watching his eyes uncertainly. My fingertips brushed against the hairs on the nape of his neck, because somehow, my arms had wound themselves over his shoulders. He rubbed away at the wetness on my cheek with his thumb. I could feel his breath on my skin.

It was illogical, and we both knew it. But I needed him. And I could feel that he needed me too. If nothing else, I understood that much about Eddie. He was as lonely as me. And having a warm body to hold, even just for one night, proved to be something we each couldn't ignore. Neither did we want to.

It was this loneliness that ate us up inside. It just felt like everything inside of me was disintegrating into nothing. It was like acid. Soon there would be nothing left of me, having corroded away my heart. My soul. Unless there was something I could do to stop it from consuming me.

And that was why I didn't try to hold back anymore. He looked at me like I might be able to save him from sinking into his own personal hell, much like I hoped he would be able to save me from destroying myself. That he'd find me right on the edge and be able to pull me back, saving me from falling off. The look in his eyes told me he held no apprehension. His eyes told me that we could still be friends after this. That we could share this one small thing. That we could go into this together and come out the other end in one piece. Even if it would be fleeting and unsatisfying. Even if there was no love between us.

Even if it would hurt.

I closed my eyes and let my lips embrace his again, his hand grasping my shoulder gently. I sighed into him, feeling another tear roll down my cheek. I'm sure if we didn't have so many issues these days, I might have been able to consider him more than a friend. If I wasn't in love with someone else, kissing Eddie might have been cause for me to rethink my perception of him. But as it was, I was in love with somebody already, and Eddie was still only my good friend. Probably one of my better ones. And even though he knew I didn't love him in this way, I continued to let myself kiss him. I never planned to stop. Because despite how wrong this might seem to anyone else, I knew exactly what I wanted. I didn't want to stop. I wanted to be selfish. I liked kissing him, and I wanted to keep on kissing him.

I felt his awkward hands try to hold my frame delicately. He was a bit clumsy and nervous and I wanted to tell him that he didn't need to be. Not with me. I wouldn't judge him. I found myself wondering if he'd ever thought about me in this way, fantasized about me. I wanted to know if he'd ever had a crush on me. Maybe he'd always secretly wanted to see me naked. Or maybe it wasn't such a secret. I could remember my first day back on campus, could remember that sly comment he'd made in class. It'salways a good time to think about you naked.

I doubted that he ever thought he actually would.

I leaned more into the kiss, my fingers grasping his solid arms. He actually tasted pretty nice. And he was a far better kisser than he let on. In some ways I was glad that it was him. In other ways… I wished he was someone else. His hands weren't as large as Dimitri's. They weren't as calloused either, having not experienced the same amount of years of being a guardian. He had training, but no actual hard experience. His hands were softer, gentler. It reminded me that we were still so new, that we still had things in our lives we needed to experience before we had to give it all up.

He was afraid to touch me even though he wanted to. I pressed into him more, trying to be encouraging, hoping that if I was a little more demanding, he might push his inhibitions out of mind. I tightened my arms around his neck and squeezed his body to mine like a life preserver. I saw him finally loosen up a bit, when his hand slid up the back of my neck, twining his fingers in my hair in much the same way Dimitri would. The hair did wicked things to boys, I concluded. I slipped my hands under his shirt, feeling comfort in the warmth his skin provided. I let my hands drift over his chest, and then I tugged at the hem of his shirt, inspiring him to take it off.

He threw the article somewhere. I didn't see where it landed.

He had a good body. He needed to have a good body to be a guardian. And all of the training had done him wonders. He was lean and yet, still very muscular, his chest broad. He wasn't very big, but he still looked strong. He looked incredible. I never paid much attention to Eddie, but I quickly realized that he had a lot to offer a girl. Not only was he smart, and a good kisser, he was damn good looking. And he was the nicest guy I'd ever known. I hoped that some day he would find a girl that would treat him right. It was the least he deserved.

After taking in the sight of his chest, I leaned back into him, taking his lips in mine again, letting myself just drink him. He tasted so good, and he seemed to like kissing me as much as I liked kissing him. It was like a symbiotic relationship we had going on here. We each got what we needed from each other. And we only had to give up a little bit of ourselves.

I liked the way his skin felt against my lips. I kissed the edge of his mouth, extending my reach out towards his ear. His hands wrapped around my waist, and I felt the urge to explore him further. I let my lips brush over his neck.

I felt how his pulse accelerated all of a sudden, and his muscles tensed. He pressed himself further into the mattress and looked at me, his breath quickening, and I saw something like fear flash through his eyes. I pulled back abruptly at this change in him, shocked by his reaction. But then I rapidly understood just why he'd reacted this way, and it made me want to cry.

He'd been compelled into giving blood back in Spokane. So, naturally he feared people getting too close to his neck. I don't even remember how many times they'd bitten him.

I wished I'd known this before.

I just stared at him, not knowing what to say. I hated seeing that panic in his eyes, even though I knew he couldn't be afraid of me. I looked then at his neck, noticing the faint puncture scars in his skin where he'd been bitten. You couldn't even see them unless you looked really hard. He closed his eyes tight, looking every bit as agonized as I felt for him. I felt a tear slip out of my eye, and I didn't know what to do in that moment. I wanted to protect him. I wanted to hold him and make him forget that it had ever happened.

I wanted to leave because it hurt so much to see him like this.

My fingers crept into his, not knowing what else I could do. I kissed him again, so much more significantly than I even thought was possible. He squeezed my fingers tight. I wanted to make sure he felt me. I wanted to make sure he knew it was me. That I would never hurt him. I'd try to make him forget if I could.

"I'm so sorry…" I whispered. I didn't know what I was apologizing for. For scaring him, maybe. Or maybe it was because I still held myself responsible for what had happened to him. He didn't say anything. His eyes looked glassy when he looked back at me. "I'm so, so sorry," I said again.

And then I didn't stop. We'd already been kissing, but now we were kissing. I'd never made out like this before. There was so much emotion in this. Different from the times when control escaped Dimitri and me. This was needy. This was survival.

He pulled off my tank top, and I was grateful for feeling his flesh against my flesh. His hands appreciated my skin, running them over my curves, settling his hand in the dip of my waist. I sank into him. He ran his hands over my chest, feeling the delicate curves of my breasts. He couldn't keep his hands, his lips even, off of me. I knew my body was a wonder in this school. But I had no idea just how much apparently.

The rest of our clothes followed soon after, landing somewhere on the floor by his bed. He rolled over on top of me, and I was starting to feel that nervousness creep up on me. I didn't know if it was Eddie's first time. But it was mine. He grasped my leg, tugging it up and nearly around himself. I seized his forearms tightly, preparing myself for what came next. He looked carefully into my eyes as he pushed inside of me.

It only hurt a little. The dull pain faded away quickly once Eddie began a controlled rhythm. He was taking things slowly with me. I closed my eyes, his mouth descending upon mine.

Everything comes back to me when my eyes are open. All of the pain and all the guilt come rushing back at me like a storm. But I don't want to feel it. I want to close my eyes and dream. I want to dream about Dimitri. I want to sink into a world where Mason is still here. Where Lissa and I are inseparable. Where Christian doesn't keep her away from me. I could lie here with Eddie and not feel so shattered. Because lying here with Eddie, I could pretend I'm anywhere. I could pretend that his hands that were caressing my skin were Dimitri's hands. I could pretend that his lips on my neck were Dimitri's lips. That it was Dimitri – not Eddie – filling me, completing me.

I could pretend that it wouldn't hurt when I woke up.

My legs wound around his waist, pulling him into me. My arms twisted up around his neck, holding him against me. My lips were nearly in his hair. I was gasping right into his ear.

His body went taut, and he groaned aloud as he came. His thrusts were erratic. And once he'd finally ridden that high to the end of its wave, Eddie sank against me, boneless.

It was nice, wonderful even, but I didn't get that high like Eddie did. My body didn't feel fulfilled in the way sex was supposed to make you feel fulfilled. But I never suspected that I would. That hadn't been the reason why we did this. It was something about being in his arms, about how he could understand what I was going through. How the pain was like a harsh wind and bits of me were flaking away like chipped paint. He didn't judge me. He'd hold my hand and walk through it with me. Because we were both in the same situation. We both needed somebody to hold onto.

He held me against him, my back to his front, his arms snug around me. I felt his lips by my ear. He was trailing kisses down the side of my neck, even after the fact. And I found this even more wonderful than what we'd just done. I don't think I would have wanted to leave, but he never loosened his grip, so I had an excuse to remain in his arms. He just held me tight and tighter against him.

Then suddenly, he moved my hair out of the way, and I felt his lips whisper over the back of my neck. Then he traced his finger over the two jagged tattoos decorating my skin, causing me to shiver, and I wondered what he could be thinking. I wondered if he was thinking of Mason. Of the two Strigoi he couldn't remember, because he'd been so drugged out of his head and had lost too much blood in those days we'd been held captive. That's what I thought about when I felt his nail draw invisible lines over the inked ones in my skin. I remembered that faraway look on his face, how willingly he gave himself up after being compelled. It was sickening. And I couldn't even imagine how he must have felt about it. It must eat at him still, similar to how my guilt still eats at me. But he kissed and worshipped those tattoos, awarding devotion to them as though they were sacred.

And maybe to him, they were.

He nestled his face in my hair, breathing deeply. I let myself relax, feeling safe and secure and, for once, not alone. I fell asleep in his arms not too much longer after that.

When I woke up again, it was almost four in the afternoon according to Eddie's alarm clock. Everyone would be getting up soon, getting ready for school, and out to breakfast. I didn't want to risk being seen by anybody when I snuck out of Eddie's room, so I figured I should leave as soon as possible. I slinked out of his bed and dressed, as tired as I was. I gave him one last kiss, thinking that I would miss those lips of his, before returning to my own room. He was out, and I hadn't wanted to wake him because he looked peaceful in his sleep. Untroubled by the things that hurt him when he opened his eyes.

I slept a few hours before class in my own bed. I didn't actually get up until after breakfast was over, running out to the gym as soon as I'd thrown on some clothes, even though first period was already about to begin. Dimitri wasn't too pleased that I had missed our morning practice.

When I saw Eddie in class later that morning, I met his eyes briefly. And in that fleeting look, I knew that we shared something strange and special. There was a small smile on his lips and I knew that everything between us was okay. Maybe better than they had been. I smiled back at him, nodding, letting him know that I knew what we had together. I let him know that I loved him in a way that I didn't love anybody else. I loved him, even if I wasn't in love with him. He understood that I didn't regret anything we did last night, and that he would always have this small part of me. I trusted that he would keep it safe.

Because if I needed to fall, I just knew that he was somebody I could let myself hold onto. And if he couldn't pull me back from the edge in time, I knew he wouldn't let me fall alone.

Reviews are appreciated. ;)