Schrodinger walked the halls of Millennium's South American Headquarters with a frustrated and bored look on his face. He hated this place when there was nothing to do, and his xbox wasn't helping him get over his boredom at all. In fact, he was bored because of the damned thing! He was stuck on a part in Halo where he had to drive a stupid warthog through a stupid ship to get to a stupid longsword fighter and escape a stupid ring to save the stupid universe. And it was the last level too, which he had tried and failed to beat nine times already!

Frustrated and bored, Schrodinger had taken to wandering the stronghold in search of the one person that had any chance of beating the level for him: Captain Hans. But at the moment, Hans was not in his room, nor was he in the bathroom, the mess hall, the target range, the planning room, the main hall, or any of the other usual places he would usually be.

So he went to the one place where he wouldn't expect the lycanthrope to be: outside. Schrodinger knew that the Captain absolutely hated being out in the hot weather with the sun beating down upon him. Wolves were mostly night-drawn animals and winter was the Captain's favorite season, even though he never showed it. Schrodinger thought of a place where Hans wouldn't be and instantly teleported himself there.

He looked around, now on top of the hill not far outside of the HQ, no trees or cover from the sun. It must've been a hundred and twenty degrees up here! The teen immediately teleported himself to a better place, a waterfall not far from the base, where there was a cold pool of water at the bottom. The cat boy grinned widely and stripped down to his boxers. He jumped into the air.

"Yahoo!" he yelled as he hit the water doing a cannonball. He swam out to the middle of the water and flipped over to his back. A cold shiver ran up his spine as the water chilled him to the bone. But it was an enjoyable cold, seeing as everything else out here was baking like it was in an oven. He breathed a sigh of relief and looked up at the waterfall, where upon the rocks that the water poured down upon, he spied a familiar figure being berated by thousands of gallons of water.

Schrodinger flipped back over and swam over to his comrade and clambered up the mossy, wet surface of the rock the lycanthrope was sitting upon, a dour look upon the Captain's face. Schrodinger finally gave up and teleported to the Captain's side, immediately being forced down to the rock's surface. He struggled, and was only able to pull himself to his knees. He stared up at Hans, expecting at least a glance, but he received nothing.

"Kapitan…some help here…" Schrodinger gasped. Hans pulled the boy forward and into his lap. Schrodinger mimicked Hans and sat Indian-style with his legs crossed, turning around to see why the werewolf was sitting outside of all places. When he looked up at the lycanthrope…there was something wrong with him.

Hans' face was beet-red and his he was panting heavily. Even more unnerving, the Captain's tongue was lolling out. Schrodinger reached up and pressed a finger to the lycanthrope's forehead, immediately drawing back as quickly as he could. Hans' body was burning up! Schrodinger immediately hugged Hans to his chest and teleported them into the Major's personal office.

Schrodinger watched with near-horror as Hans slumped to the floor, panting worse than before. Schrodinger turned to the Major.

"Ve have a problem Herr Major! Ze Kapitan…vell, look!" the cat boy shouted to his superior. The Major shrugged and walked over to Hans tilting the lycanthrope's chin up so that he could look Hans in the eyes.

"Hmmm…zis is unexpected. Take him to ze medical bay und Dok vill take care of him," the Major replied as he returned to his desk and continued planning battles and explosives and war in general. Schrodinger teleported them to tthe Med. Bay where Dok took quick and eager custody of Hans' sickly body. The werewolf looked back at Schrodinger and nodded in thanks before he blacked out. The cat boy was ushered out of the room by Dok and whimpered softly.

He hoped the Captain was alright. He still needed to man to beat that level!

Hans groggily awoke and sat up, head throbbing with pain and agony. He felt like someone had taken a sledgehammer to his temples and then fired a round from the Schwerer Gustav right next to his ear. He put a hand to his face and rubbed the sleep out of his eyes with a heavy yawn. He paused. Something about his yawn hadn't sounded normal at all. He blinked a few times in confusion and then waved off the feeling of sudden apprehensiveness.

He stretched his body, but something else seemed wrong with him right now as well. His chest felt heavy and his arms felt lighter for some reason. He looked down to examine himself. And much to his surprise…he had breasts! Hans looked around immediately for a mirror and found one on the table next to her. He put it in front of his face and howled with agony.

He looked like a girl! Hans examined himself more closely, just to make sure his eyes weren't fooling her. He had, feminine, eyes, a smaller chin, a more oval-shaped head, bigger and fuller lips, a button nose…and he had dog ears too. Hans slumped forward and whimpered like a beaten dog and looked at his chest. He was a girl!

Immediately, Hans reached down to try and dispel her thoughts of doubt, and found that she was horribly correct in her assumption of being of the female gender. She had no manhood! Hans howled this time, pained and broken. She almost cried. She wasn't a man anymore! The lycanthrope looked around and found a bloody shirt on the floor. She quickly threw it on and buttoned up the buttons, however uncomfortably, up as far as she could on her chest, which was about to burst out of the tight shirt.

She growled softly, but simply threw the sheets off of her body and hopped out of bed. Due to the werewolf's more…womanly, figure, Hans' combat pants and boxers fell to the floor. She immediately pulled them up and flushed bright red. She really was a girl! She had seen…it! Hans held up her pants and boxers, accidentally stepping out of her boots as well. She looked down at her feet, which were slender, like a girl's. She growled again, but still said nothing. She opened the door to the Med. Bay and Schrodinger stared up at her with a goofy grin on his face.

"Kapi…eh?! Wer bist du?" the cat boy asked suddenly. Hans glared down, but then sighed inaudibly as she realized that Schrodinger wouldn't recognize him like this. She stood up straight and looked back down at Schrodinger.

"Vaffen SS Hauptsturmfürer, Hans Gunsche." Schrodinger looked up at the lycanthrope blankly.

"No you're not. Der Kapitan ist a guy." Hans grabbed Schrodinger and lifted the cat boy up by his head and growled menacingly, flashing her canine fangs. Schrodinger let out a laugh and Hans let the boy down, pushing past him and walking towards the Major's office where she knew she'd find the short officer. The Major had a lot of explaining to do for this one! Schrodinger stood in front of Hans with a microphone in his hands.

"Attention everyone, ve have an intruder," the cat boy announced. Hans kicked Schrodinger between the legs and the boy dropped like a lead weight, a shrill cry coming forth from his mouth. Hans stepped past the slumped boy and made her way down the hall. Farther through the Millennium HQ, Hans found herself walking up upon Zorin Blitz, a cigarette being lit up in her mouth. Hans made no move to speak nor interact with the butch she-vamp.

But much to Hans' aggravation, Zorin's arm shot out in front of the werewolf and the she-vamp blew smoke in Hans' face.

"Who do you think you are, eh? Valking around zis base like you're von of us. I'm surprised ze Major's guard dog hasn't taken care of you yet," Zorin said smugly, shifting her scythe on her shoulder. Hans growled deeply and backhanded Zorin against the wall, walking cleanly past the she-vamp as she slumped to the floor with a broken jaw. Insult avenged. And Hans was getting tired of this constant misunderstanding of his identity.

Eventually, and without any more interruptions or mistakes, Hans opened up the Major's office door and entered, finding Dok and the Major leaned over the desk. Hans lunged across the room and grabbed Dok by the neck, slamming him against the wall. She growled menacingly and her fangs elongated. Dok smirked.

"Vat did you do to me?!" Hans roared. Dok chuckled to himself.

"Vat unexpected results. I didn't think zat you would turn into a girl. My firebrand experiment yesterday didn't vork on a lycanthrope, hmmm…" Hans thought better of punching him. That would require her to let go of her own clothes and have them drop to the floor. That wasn't happening again. She threw Dok across the room and turned to the Major, this time in a more apologetic manner. The Major simply grinned.

"Vell, since zis has happened, like Dok said it might, I have gotten you a new uniform. And secondly…Schrodinger!" the Major called. The cat boy teleported into the room with a folded uniform in her hands.

"Ja?" he asked. One look at Hans made him drop everything and back up against the wall. "Ze crotch-kicker! She lives!" he cried in terror. Hans looked at the Major with a dissatisfied look on her face. The Major shrugged.

"Schrodinger, zis ist ze Kapitan. Please take him…her? To ze Hellsing Manor vit zis message," he ordered, handing Hans a sealed letter. The werewolf made sure neither the Major no Schrodinger were looking before she put on her new uniform. But the panties…she left them with her old clothes. There was no way in Hell that she was going to wear panties. After she'd buttoned up her greatcoat, which was a little tight around her chest, Hans grabbed the letter and Schrodinger grabbed her hand. They were instantly teleported into Integra's office.

Upon arrival into the Hellsing Manor, Hans was greeted by having her comrade's brains splattered all over the wall behind them and Integra yelling for Alucard. Hans stood silently as Alucard shifted through the floor right in front of Integra, a manic grin on his face as she held out his Jackal pistol. Hans adjusted her hat and held out the letter intended for Integra. The vampire looked at the letter accusatively and aimed his pistol at it.

Hans immediately roundhouse kicked Alucard's arm off and slid the Jackal away with her foot. The original vampire grinned maliciously and turned to his master.

"Master, I do believe that this is the werewolf I fought in Warsaw. You may very well know the other one," he said as Schrodinger seemingly rose from the dead with his arms forward and hands limply held out. Integra's eye twitched, but she ignored Schrodinger and turned to Hans, examining her feminine form closely. She curled a finger and Alucard leaned in to listen. Integra yanked his ear and roared.

"THIS IS A GIRL YOU IDIOT! THE WEREWOLF YOU FOUGHT WAS A GUY!" Alucard grinned widely and stood back up, facing Hans with a toothy grin as his arm regenerated. The vampire's eyes flashed an even deeper red.

"Oh, this is him alright. I'd remember a werewolf's scent anywhere, and this one reeks of my blood," Alucard replied smugly. Hans spun on her heel and kicked forward just as a draculina with a huge sniper rifle burst through the door, kick in progress. Hans' kick negated Seras' kick and send the latter to the floor. Hans instinctively reached for her Mauser C96, but her belt held no weapon for her to draw. She growled as Seras stood, clearly confused.

"Wait…you're a girl?!" she cried. Hans kicked her in the jaw and she stumbled back. Well…being a girl had a few perks. she could kick a lot higher without trying. Seras aimed her rifle and Hans lunged forward, only to be caught by Alucard's black tendrils of shadow.

"We wouldn't want you to lose the top half of your uniform, now would we? It would be very embarrassing to have a half-naked she-wolf in my Master's office," Alucard said with a snide grin. Hans relaxed a bit and walked back to Integra, handing her the letter. she stood quietly by as Seras walked over to her master and whispered furiously about Hans'…condition. Integra finished the letter and let her head fall to her desk.

"That bastard. Crap…now we gotta go all the way to California and take a vacation with a bunch of Nazis. Alucard, go get us some beach-wear," Integra said, clenching her teeth for the last part. Hans arched an eyebrow and Alucard disappeared through the wall. Seras looked confused.

"Why don't we just not go?" she asked. Integra looked over at Hans and shook her head.

"You think we can take him…her, whatever, on and win? Not only that, but that cat boy can just go back home, bring a nuke, and blow us all to bloody hell. I'm sure that this werewolf here can fight…are you a girl or aren't you?!" she asked. Hans nodded shamefully. Integra settled back into her chair quietly.

"Um…Master, what do we do with them while we're waiting?" Seras asked. Integra lit up another cigar.

"Get her a decent bikini or something. That pervert Major wants to see what he and his mad scientist's creation looks like," she said. Hans flushed bright red and Seras tried to hold back a giggle. Hans growled deeply, but it turned out to be more of a feminine thing than she had planned, so she cut her warning short and followed the young draculina to her room.

After locking the door, which was completely useless due to Alucard's power to warp through walls, Seras asked Hans to unbutton her greatcoat and Hans did so quickly. Seras grinned sheepishly.

"Vas is it?" Hans asked. Seras stuttered.

"I-I didn't e-expect you to be so…well-endowed. Your cup size is bigger than mine." She flushed red. Hans was a bit lost here.

"Cup size?"

"Y…you have bigger boobs than I do. I might not have anything to fit you," she said as her face turned redder. Hans rolled her eyes and Seras rummaged through a wardrobe closet to find something to fit Hans. After a few moments, Alucard warped through the ceiling, head first, and grinned widely.

"And her you g-" Hans kicked Alucard's head into his chest and the vampire disappeared, leaving a neon green bikini on Seras' bed. Hans groaned. she was going to wear this?! It barely covered anything…and Hans was admittedly embarrassed about the size of her chest compared to the amount of fabric on the swimwear. Hans shivered at the thought of going outside with this thing on. Seras turned around and looked confused.

"How do you already have a…was it master?" Hans pointed to the ceiling and Seras nodded.

"Well, in any case, you and I both need a shower. And since we're both girls now…I guess it wouldn't be bad to take a shower together. Hans froze. His body may be that of a woman, but his mind was completely male. Seras looked at Hans and grinned.

"Calling me Hans ist a bit…veird?" Hans was at a loss for words.

"Well, we can just call you Hansa, because that's the feminine form of your name, right? Now let's shower Hansa," Seras said, walking over to the bathroom door. "Hansa" followed Seras and shot an apprehensive look over her shoulder. If Alucard, or Schrodinger for that matter, peeked, she'd kill both of them for good.

Meanwhile, Alucard turned on a T.V. with Schrodinger at his side. On the T.V. there was an empty shower. Alucard grinned widely.

"Vas ist das?" the Nazi boy asked. Alucard chuckled darkly.

"This, my good man, is going to be your first lesson on the female anatomy. Press the record button down there and sit back. This may take a while." Schrodinger did as told and the bathroom dor opened. Alucard's grin widened and Schrodinger's cheeks turned red. The vampire put his feet up on the table the T.V. was on and tilted his fedora up.

"Ah! Zat ist ze Kapitan! Und Seras too?!" Schrodigner cried. Alucard nodded.

"And now your lesson begins," the vampire said. Neither pair of eyes left the T.V. screen for the next half-hour.

A/N:Okay, writing Hans off as a girl was a little weird for me, but hey, I thought I'd give it a shot. Next chapter soon. Please Review.