Disclaimer: Kairan Akiyama does not own Kingdom Hearts II. This fic might have YAOI and/or SHOUNEN-AI (man-sex/boy-love) undertones, not sure which yet. If you don't like YAOI and/or SHOUNEN-AI, you'll be warned well in advance. Oh, this contains explicit language, like fck; so be on the look out for F-bombs.

KAI-SAN: If there is, um…sexual activity, it'll be mentioned prior; so no bitching about seeing boy parts touching other boy parts.

NIGHTSHADE: Don't like YAOI and/or SHOUNEN-AI? Don't read properly labeled chapters. Duh.

-x-

Arigatou-hamster!

White Silver and Mercury: I hope the next chapter is as witty. Many thank yous for the review.

Enjoy the ride.

Xemnas Reports

This manuscript and its contents were found scattered about in different worlds and hopefully reconstructed in the proper order. As they have been translated from Xemnas' half-ass chicken scratch, some artistic liberties have been taken for phrasing. The views expressed represent those of Xemnas and the translator, so don't get your panties in a twist.

-x-

This section was found (in fragments) in the remains of Castle Oblivion. From what I can surmise, it was given amongst members so as to inform them of one another. Not all of the pages were discovered, but upon closer inspection, perhaps there are no others to collect.

-x-

(SHOUNEN-AI-isque)

Chapter II: Members

Here you'll find a brief description of your co-workers. If you can't find your description, I don't plan on having you around that long. Or I simply don't like you.

ROXAS (the key of destiny)
He's No XIII. He attacks with keyblades, duh. He has dirty blonde/brown hair. He's rather emo. And he's Axel's uke, so don't try to fck him. Not only will Axel probably set your ass on fire, Roxas will probably stick a keyblade up your ass. Unless you like that kind of thing, in which case he won't. He likes ice cream. I think he has an ice cream fetish…he probably does.

MARLUXIA (the graceful assassin)
He is No. XI. He has pink hair. I'm pretty sure it's natural, freak. He attacks with a pink scythe. He's a flamer alright. He's like the Grim Reaper's gay cousin or something. Anyway. He's good at DDR and is into botanical shit. He'll make you a decent bouquet if you ask nicely.

LUXORD (the gambler of fate):
He's No. X. He has blonde hair. He attacks with cards and die (plural of dice, in case anyone missed that). He plays with cards and dice. I guess he's really into Duel Monsters and Dungeon Dice Monsters. Never play Uno with him; never play checkers with him; just don't play with him, he cheats. Fcking cheater…

DEMYX (the melodious nocturne):
He's No. IX. He has dirty blonde hair. His weapon is a sitar (though mandolin is a more fun word to use). Don't make fun of his sitar or he'll kick your ass with geysers. Even if it looks like a wang-ringed wang. He writes songs occasionally, but they're too happy for my taste. He might be bi-polar or have a split personality or something, I don't really care. Don't have him do something really important, he's probably the wrong guy.

AXEL (the flurry of dancing flames):
He's No. VIII. He has red hair and strange tattoos on his cheeks. I mean his face cheeks. You'd have to ask Roxas about his ass cheeks. He has chakram or giant-ass wheels. He made a go-cart with those things, but it set on fire. Bringing it up makes him cry. He's seme to Roxas' uke. Don't try to fck with Roxas or he'll kill you. Probably by setting you on fire.

SAÏX (the luna diviner):
First off, what the hell kind of codename is that?! I mean come on, "luna diviner"? Why don't I just name you Sailor Moon? Anyway… Saïx is No. VII. He has blue hair and an X in the middle of his face. He has a giant-ass claymore, whatever the hell that is. He's my bitch. Don't try to fck with him or I'll end you.

ZEXION (the cloaked schemer):
He's No. VI. He has silver hair. I don't remember what his weapon is, ask him yourself. He has a fcking intense sense of smell, so he'll know if you don't bathe regularly. For the love of God, please bathe regularly. I don't want to smell your funky ass.

XALDIN (the whirlwind lancer):
He's No. III. He has huge ass side burns and dreadlocks. He attacks with shafts lances. He could probably be a good pole dancer, but I wouldn't want to see that. Fck, now my eyes are burning. Why am I hearing "you touch my ta-la-la"?

XIGBAR (the free-shooter):
He's No. II. He has a scar and eye patch. He likes to shoot things and pop up behind you to shoot you. Don't make fun of his purple guns; he'll probably shoot you more. And he has grey hair, he's old.

ME, XEMNAS (the superior)
I'm No. I, bitches. You know what I look like, I'm the one that haunts your dreams and makes you wet your pants. Damn right I'm your superior; I say jump, you'd better already be in the air. If I feel so inclined, I'll shove a light saber up your ass. If you like it up your ass, I'll just cut your wang off. If you don't have one, well…I'll cut your arm off or something. Don't piss me off!! I'm Saïx's seme, so stay the fck away from him.

-hateshi nai-

And here's where we hit a wall. I'm thinking maybe make different entries people write in their sections or something. Anyone with ideas of locations or anything particular you'd like someone to comment on, hit that review button and let me know. X3.