Verity Pushpram's Diary

Discworld belongs to Terry Pratchett. Thanks to Andrew Salt for beta reading and moral support.

NB: I know how to spell, Miss Pushpram doesn't always.

June 11th

Number of clam chowders sold: 53 - Other items sold: 48 - Profits: 5 dollars fifteen - Number of people calling me "Hammerhead" within my earshot: 3

This has been another good week. Clam chowder seems a bit of a fashion at the moment. Total profits this week were 27 dollars. After the rent and everything else paid that left me 2 dollars to put by for a rainy day. My mattress is beginning to bulge. Maybe get another sock.

June 13th

Number of clam chowders sold: 25 - Other items sold: 23 - Profits: 2 dollars fifty-five - Total losses to date from throwing fish at Nobby Nobbs: 2 dollars ten.

My back has been itching like crazy today. Had to resolve to rubbing against a lamppost when nobody was watching. Fortunately not terribly busy today. Nobby Nobbs came round in the afternoon, not like he ever buys anything. Trying to stick his hand into the cashbox again, more likely. Strange little man. Asked me to choose a cobble stone, then squeezed one of his spots and hit that cobble. It was really disgusting, I don't know why I laughed so much about it. Had to hit him with a haddock to get rid of him.

June 17th

Number of clam chowders sold: 59 - Other items sold: 63 - Profits: 6 dollars twenty - Number of people calling me "Hammerhead": 5

Very busy day. Cut my thumb when gutting fish, felt really gutted about that, but was just so harassed with all the customers that I didn't pay proper attention. Must get bigger chopping board. It doesn't look professional gutting fish with the tails hanging over the gutter. Father's been at me again about giving him more money. He can get lost. Have no intention to pay for his booze.

June 19th

Number of clam chowders sold: 42 - Other items sold: 39 - Profits: 3 dollars ninety-five - Total profits this week: 22 dollars – Number of times Nobby Nobbs came by on patrol: 4 - Total losses to date from throwing fish at Nobby Nobbs: 2 dollars ninety.

Middle of the week business was really low. You'd think people would have to go out to buy food even if it rains, but apparently not. On Thursday I had so many fish left at the end of the day that I threw three after Nobby Nobbs, even though he was just walking past at the bottom of Easy Street. He didn't have the courtesy to come any closer. Oh, well, I don't care. He isn't even a customer as such.

June 23rd

Number of clam chowders sold: 38 - Other items sold: 35 - Profits: 3 dollars forty - Number of people calling me "Hammerhead": 7 (cheek!)

I don't know what to do about Nobby Nobbs. Is he trying to court me or trying to make me sick? I mean, he is at least seven inches shorter than I, and I've been told he smells bad. I used to think he was some kind of monkey, a bit like that one at the university, but he showed me his chitty. Says he's going to the folk dancing tomorrow night and would I like to come. I'm thinking of expanding into relishes.

June 24th

Number of clam chowders sold: 28 - Other items sold: 31 - Profits: 3 dollars seventy

Didn't go to the folk dancing with Nobby Nobbs. Didn't think it would be good for business if people heard I was jumping around waving a handkerchief. Still, it might have been nice to go out. It's not as if the young men are queuing at my door or anything. On the other hand, do I want to dance with somebody who needs a chitty to prove that he is human? Might have been a laugh, though. How often do I get a laugh, what with the fish guts and Father's drinking sprees and all that? On the other hand, how much good would it do me to laugh at Nobby? Oh, well, never mind.

June 27th

Number of clam chowders sold: 17 - Other items sold: 22 - Profits: 2 dollars ten - Total profits this week: 18 dollars

Been a bad week. Couple of crates of clam were off on Tuesday, and after that nobody wanted any chowder. It's tough on the small businesswoman if the suppliars are liars and crooks. I feel so put on at times. Went to see Father last night; he's a bit more sober these days; might be worth encouraging his new hobby, though I don't see the point in it. It's just little pictures after all, and they're no use unless you stick them on a letter. Don't see why everyone is raving about that Mr Lipwig anyway. Bit too sparkly for my liking.

June 29th

Number of clam chowders sold: 61 - Other items sold: 58 - Profits: 6 dollars five - Number of people asking me to crack lobster with my bare hands: 4

Last week's clam debacle seems forgotten. The Patrician and his secretary came round first thing in the morning and bought chowder, talking at the top of their voices how good it was while they walked back to their carriage. Always liked the man. Plenty of customers after that. Clam chowder ran out mid-afternoon. Very gentlemanly man, the Patrician, I've always said. Expanse into relishes seems doubtful though, as storage could be a problem.

Grune 1st

Number of clam chowders sold: 57 - Other items sold: 39 - Profits: 4 dollars eighty-five - Number of times been thinking what a nice man Patrician is: 7

Taking Father to the Bingo tonight. Will do him good to get out a bit. It's not good for him, sitting for hours in the dim light, looking at those stamps. Might be useful to take my mind off a certain person, too. Will take bath to try and get rid of smell. Still have some of that scent that Nobby Nobbs gave me. It's a bit strong, so it'll do. Just for the Bingo, of course. Can't expect a busy man to go buying chowder in the street all the time.

Grune 2nd

Will not go to the Bingo again. Father managed to smuggle in a bottle of Bearhuggers and embarrassed me terribly. He was so hammered that I had to borrow a wheel barrow to get him home. Thought I would die with shame. Does the man have no sense of proprieriety? Does he not care for the repetition of his only daughter? Why, oh why is my life such a hopeless case?

Grune 5th

Number of clam chowders sold: 58 - Other items sold: 43 - Profits: 5 dollars fifteen - Number of people calling me "Hammerhead": 2 - Total profits this week: 33 dollars! - Number of kind thoughts for Patrician: 14

Well, I'm definitely getting another sock. Also, will think about the relishes again. Horseradish should be good. Could have a little pyramid of jars at one end of the barrow, if I pile the fish a bit higher at the other end. Thinking about experimenting with another recipe and looking into option to have two types of chowder. Don't care about Father's drink problem anymore, he's old enough to look after himself.

Grune 8th

Number of clam chowders sold: 48 - Other items sold: 47 - Profits: 4 dollars sixty-five

Saw the Patrician's carriage drive past but pretended not to notice. It's not as if I owe him anything. Though, of course, if he ever was in any difficulty... Would have to be a special kind of difficulty though, where a fish wife could help. Wonder if he likes flounders. There are usually some nice ones coming in on a Wednesday. I could keep one – maybe not. Shouldn't be silly.

Grune 10th

Number of clam chowders sold: 51 - Other items sold: 25 - Profits: 3 dollars seventy

Business not quite as good as last week, but steady. Father been to the Bingo four times on his own now. Am getting worried about him. He's been neglecting his stamp collection, which is a shame, because it is such a harmless and almost gentele hobby to have. Will start trial run with horseradish relish tomorrow.

Grune 11th

Number of clam chowders sold: 52 - Jars of horseradish sold: 16 - Other items sold: 31 - Profits: 4 dollars thirty-five - Number of people calling me "Hammerhead": 4

The horseradish went well. Sergeant Angua bought three jars. She said she liked the idea of having a really strong smell at hand any time. No idea what she meant. Father is going to the Bingo again tonight. I think he has taken a fancy to that Mrs Jerks. It's a disgrace, Mother would turn in her grave if she knew.

Grune 13th

Number of clam chowders sold: 47 - Jars of horseradish sold: 25 - Other items sold: 33 - Profits: 4 dollars ninety – Total profits this week: 25 dollars

Another crate of dodgy clams, but I noticed it as soon as it was delivered and sent it back to the docks. I'm not having that again! That woman from the newspaper came and said she wanted to do a feechur about successful businesswomen in Ankh-Morpork. I told her I don't know any. Turns out she means me. So she'll come to interfew me on Monday. Haven't seen Nobby Nobbs around for a while. That big painting has been stolen from the Museum, I wonder who did that? Nah, can't have been him. It wouldn't fit into his pockets.

Grune 16th

Number of clam chowders sold: 31 - Jars of horseradish sold: 11 - Other items sold: 23 - Profits: 2 dollars ninety-five

So Miss Crippslog came today for the interfew. It took ages, and I lost a lot of custom. But she said it will be good for business to have a feechur in the paper. I told her how I was expanding into relishes and that I was thinking of doing garlic dips next. The iconograffer said, please don't. I said, since I don't tell him how to take pitchers, he'd better not tell me how to run my stall. I have a very good recipe from my Aunt Mabel, I don't see why I shouldn't try it out next week.

Grune 17th

Number of clam chowders sold: 47 - Jars of horseradish sold: 18 - Other items sold: 35 - Profits: 4 dollars seventy – Number of people calling me "Hammerhead": 6

Told Father what I think about him and Mrs Jerks, and he said to get lost. Well, if she gets her claws into him and brings him low, it won't be my fault. Palmina Buttley came and said Nobby Nobbs is going out with one of them pole dancers from the Pink Pussycat Club. I don't know why she's telling me, it's not as if I care. I'm a successful Ankh-Morpork business woman and I am going to have my feechur in the paper tomorrow. That'll be a chip on my shoulder all right, and won't Palmina Buttley go green in the face with envy, because who's ever going to write a feechur about her?

Grune 18th

Curse Miss Crippslog! Who does she think she is to write about me like that! "In spite of her visual handicap, Ms Pushpram (34) has succeeded in establishing one of the most popular street catering businesses in the city." Making me look like a flipping freak! And who needs to know how old I am? I'm looking at least three years younger! That terrible iconograff, too: I don't look like that. Worst of all, she wrote that Sgt Colon had said: "No-one cooks a clam chowder like old Hammerhead does." Will never buy the paper again. And Fred Colon is heading for a short, sharp slap with a herring!

Grune 19th

Number of clam chowders sold: 78 - Jars of horseradish sold: 35 - Other items sold: 64 - Number of people making humourous comment on feechur: 46 - Thoughts of murdering Miss Crippslog: 23 - Profits: 8 dollars sixty-five - Thoughts of murdering Miss Crippslog after counting day's profits: 2

Can barely hold a pencil to write this. Have been gutting fish like a fiend all day. Wish Nobby Nobbs could have seen me, that might have taken his mind off half-naked women. I'd like to see a pole dancer clean out an entire barrel of herring in under an hour. Huh! Must go to bed now.

Grune 21st

Number of clam chowders sold: 69 - Jars of horseradish sold: 24 - Other items sold: 61 - Profits: seven dollars thirty-five – Number of people making humourous comment on "visual handicap": 16 - Total profits this week: 41 dollars!!!

Am exhausted. Will take three days off.

Grune 23rd

Went to Hyde Park with Father. Saw Nobby Nobbs with that pole dancer. Well, each to themselves, I say. Beauty is only skin deep, as I'm sure he'll find out in the end. Father was quite nice and called me "my little poppet" a few times. I know it's not really apperopiate, but it reminds me of when I was little. It's a relief to know that at least my own father thought me cute at one time.

Grune 24th

Spent all day making 155 jars of garlic dip. Will lunch it tomorrow. As far as the smell goes, I am caught between a rock and a hard plaice.

Grune 27th

Number of clam chowders sold: 57 - Jars of relish sold: 42 - Other items sold: 48 - Profits: 7 dollars forty-five - Number of people calling me "Hammerhead": 3

Garlic dip seems a success. Father asked me for a jar to give to Mrs Jerks. Hope that'll mean he won't go to close to her for a few days. Sergeant Angua came along for a chat yesterday. Said a lot of the watch were away to that Koom Valley, and that Nobby Nobbs was with them. Probably better for him than that Pink Pussycat Club. Not that I care, of course. Am far too busy being successful.

Grune 29th

Number of clam chowders sold: 52 - Jars of relish sold: 39 - Other items sold: 41 - Profits: 6 dollars forty – Total profits this week: 33 dollars

Business was brisk for rest of the week. Will go to the Bingo with father tonight to keep an eye on things. That Mrs Jerks might think I have a dowry and be after it. Better get into the bath quickly. Have thrown away that bottle of scent, but still have some of the lavender talcum powder.

Grune 30th

Will never, never go to the Bingo again. Thought I would die with shame when I saw Father carrying on with that Mrs Jerks. She is a woman who knows no decorium. And she didn't smell of garlic, I bet she didn't even try the dip, the cunning hussy.

August 1st

Number of clam chowders sold: 49 - Jars of relish sold: 32 - Other items sold: 35 - Profits: 5 dollars eighty-five – People calling me Hammerhead: 4

Been slightly less busy than have been recently, but still better than before feechur. Have stopped thinking of murdering Miss Crippslog. Told Father how disgusted I was by his behaviour with Mrs Jerks. He said I should see to it that I get a man, then I could talk. I'm paying no heed to that kind of personal comment. Successful women have other things on their minds.

August 4th

Number of clam chowders sold: 48 - Jars of relish sold: 37 - Other items sold: 45 - Profits: 6 dollars fifty-five - Number of times Nobby Nobbs walked past on patrol: 7

Can't find any chowder recipe nearly as good as the one I already have. Will have to think of more relish, if I want to expand further. I do not care three straws that Nobby Nobbs is back in the city and has dumped that pole dancer. Possibly the good fresh mountain air brought him to his senses. But it's not my problem, at all, really. Yes.

August 6th

Number of clam chowders sold: 51 - Jars of relish sold: 33 - Other items sold: 42 - Profits: 6 dollars ten – Total profits this week: 34 dollars - Total losses to date from throwing fish at Nobby Nobbs: 3 dollars twenty- five

Nobby Nobbs sidled up today and talked and talked. That trip to Koom Valley has given him very odd notions. Thought he could impress me with his story about a dwarf and a troll king that have been playing some game under a mountain for hundreds of years. Pull the other one. Had to hit him with a skate. Am thinking of a chilly relish.

August 8th

Number of clam chowders sold: 53 - Jars of relish sold: 29 - Other items sold: 44 - Profits: 6 dollars fifteen - Number of times Nobby Nobbs walked past on patrol: 0 – Amount how much I care: 0

If they try to give me another of those dodgy crates of clam ever again, I will take steps. This is no way to do business. I will report them. To the Patrician. Or better even, to Miss Crippslog, who will write into the paper what crooks they are. I am not without connections, I'll have them know. I don't have to put up with villinous, lying, rotten suppliars, not me!

August 9th

Number of clam chowders sold: 55 - Jars of relish sold: 33 - Other items sold: 39 - Profits: 6 dollars sixty-five - Total losses to date from throwing fish at Nobby Nobbs: 3 dollars seventy (Have to stop that, is a bad, bad habit.)

Found good recipe for chilly relish. Told Nobby Nobbs how I've been expanding and he said good for me and I was a really clever woman and he was looking forward to the chilly. It's good to have one's qualities appreshiated. Nobby Nobbs is a man who knows about food. Don't think I could make a Distressed Pudding as good as his mum's. Not that I need to. He was telling me some very fishy jokes, but I still had to laugh. He went on and on though, so I had to hit him with a sea bass, but it was going off anyway.

August 12th

Number of clam chowders sold: 51 - Jars of relish sold: 39 - Other items sold: 46 - Profits: 6 dollars eighty-five - Number of fish flung at Nobby Nobbs: 2 - Total losses to date from throwing fish at Nobby Nobbs: 4 dollars five (Couldn't stop myself.)

Made up chilly relish last night, but it was awful. Wonder who might have a good recipe. Father still going to the Bingo with Mrs Jerks, but I have stopped caring. Nobby Nobbs says there's no harm in it, but what does he know? Anyway, I'm tired, need to go to bed.

August 13th

Number of clam chowders sold: 45 - Jars of relish sold: 33 - Other items sold: 41 - Profits: 5 dollars ninety - Number of Times Nobby Nobbs walked past: 4

Been asking round about chilly recipes, but nobody seems to have any. Maybe Miss Crippslog could put it in the paper that I am looking for one, since she's my pal. Got a really good bargain with a crate of fish straight off the ship this evening. Checked them out when I put them into the ice-house, and there is a really lovely plump halibut. Will save that one up for Nobby Nobbs.

Good Gods, did I just write that?

August 14th

Number of clam chowders sold: 51 - Jars of relish sold: 32 - Other items sold: 42 - Profits: 6 dollars ten – Total profits this week: 35 dollars

Been a good week. Business is going steadily well. Second sock is starting to look quite plump. Bingo hall is closed for referbishing. Mrs Jerks gave me really good chilly recipe, but that doesn't mean I approve of her carry-on with Father. Still. Haven't been called "Hammerhead" all week. Nobby Nobbs was asking, do I want to go to the folk dancing with him tomorrow. I think I might go, just for a laugh.