Author's Note: Yep, this is my first published fanfiction and yep, this is my first attempt at a humour piece so go easy on me. Anyway, I got up today and I couldn't help thinking about the comment at the end of "They Keep Killing Suzie" about the stopwatch ... I still can't think what you could do with a stopwatch, really, but gathering from Jack's "I'll send them home early" comment, it's something sexual. As such, I decided to write a humour piece about Jack's attempt to get the others to go home. My friend says it's funny so I'll believe her like I always do.

Please R&R because it would make my day :

Jack sighed as he leaned against the morgue. Ianto, writing Suzie Costello's death certificate looked up and then back down again.

"One day we're gonna run out of space," Jack said in his American accent.

Ianto looked up at him, sympathetically. His expression changed as he contemplated something. "If you're interested, I've still got that stopwatch."

Jack glanced across at him, confused. "So?"

Ianto smirked. "Well, think about it. Lots of things you can do with a stopwatch ..."

Jack's face morphed into a large grin. "Oh yeah ..."

"There's quite a list," Ianto continued.

Of all the weird things Jack expected life to throw at him, being propositioned by Ianto wasn't one of them. Still, with a big grin he said, "I'll send the others home early. I'll see you in my office in ten."

And that's where the trouble started.

By the time Jack got back upstairs into the main hub he was already distracted with thoughts of there being another resurrection glove, naked Ianto, getting Ianto to write 'Death by Torchwood' on the death certificate, naked Ianto and things to do with a stopwatch ... He couldn't help the grin that was spreading over his face as he stood by the computers.

"We've all had a stressful time of it," he said, a little too cheerily, looking at the expectant faces nearby. "So ... Why don't you all go home early?" He said the last bit with a clap of his hands, expecting everyone to jump up and run for the nearest exit.

Nobody moved.

"I don't feel well enough to get up yet," Gwen said from where she was sitting nearby. "I'll probably crash the car or something ..."

"Yeah, and I don't have to be in until late tomorrow," Owen said from across the room, "so I might as well finish this autopsy."

Jack grimaced and walked over to Gwen. "I can drive you home if you like. Wouldn't you rather be with Rhys than here while you recover?"

"How do I explain why my hair is full of blood to Rhys? 'Yeah, love, I just inherited a suicide attempt from a dead woman.' I can see that going down well."

"You could wash your hair here and I could run you home after ..." he said, desperately.

"I don't feel well enough to shower yet ... I don't want to fall over and crack my head on something," she replied.

"I would offer to help you shower but I doubt Rhys would like it," Jack said, with a forced grin.

Gwen smiled indulgently through her pale lips and Jack walked away towards Owen. "You don't have to autopsy this guy anymore," he said, cheerily. "After all, we know what and who killed him now."

Owen shrugged. "Still needs doing before Ianto can put him in the morgue. Can't write 'Owen assumes murdered by Max' on the death certificate now, can we?"

Jack nodded with a sigh and turned to Tosh, who was looking at the four of them with a grin on her face. "If we're all staying here late," she said in her customarily cheery tone of voice. "Then why don't we all have pizza or Chinese?"

"Sounds great, Tosh!" Owen exclaimed from where he was working on the body. "Meat feast for me, if you don't mind."

Tosh smiled and dialled the pizza places' number on the phone.

Jack checked his watch: five minutes had elapsed.

"What's wrong with you people?" he stage-shouted at the room. "Why don't you just go home when I give you the night off?"

Tosh smiled. "We don't really have anything to do at home."

Jack groaned and turned away, walking up to his office and sitting down. In, he checked his watch again, four minutes, Ianto would be up here expecting to play with his stopwatch, but instead he'd find Jack had gone insane and was unable to control his people.

Drastic measures had to be taken.

He stood up and walked downstairs, careful not to be seen as he headed towards the vaults. Once down there he stood in front of Janet the Weevil's cell. "Hey girl," he said, with a grin. "You wanna do me a favour and get some fresh air at the same time?"

Two and a half minutes later, Jack was sat in his office when Tosh announced Janet had escaped and was running away from the hub. She also noted that she had no idea how she had escaped.

Jack got downstairs, careful to contain his grin, and turned to Tosh as she addressed him. "Are you and Ianto going to go Weevil hunting then?"

His almost-grin faded. Fast. "Why don't you and Owen go and get Janet?" he said. "I have ... things ... to do ... and ... you could take Gwen and drop her off at home while you're at it."

Tosh nodded and turned off her computer. "Come on then," she said to Gwen and Owen, who stood and followed her out of the door.

Jack punched the air and did a little dance before heading upstairs and sitting down in his office. One and a half minutes until Ianto arrived.

Three minutes passed.

Jack was getting increasingly annoyed.

When the doors to the hub opened, he jumped up enthusiastically and looked down to see ... Owen, Tosh and Janet (on a leash, of course) arriving back. And they were carrying pizza.

"Damn!" Jack cried out, punching his left hand with his right fist. "You never could outrun us, Janet ..."

A couple of moments later, the door to the hub opened again and Ianto arrived, stopwatch in hand. When he saw how full the hub was he instantly looked up at Jack's office window, through which Jack was looking at him with a depressed expression. He walked up the stairs and went straight in when beckoned.

"I thought you were getting rid of them, Jack?" he said, trying to hide his disappointment.

"It's like they're Velcro'd to their seats!" Jack moaned. "I can't get them to leave."

"You managed to get Gwen to leave," Ianto commented.

"By releasing Janet."

Ianto stifled a laugh. "That was ... irresponsible ... she could have killed someone."

Jack sighed. "It would have been worth it."

Ianto sobered. "It would?"

The older man nodded with a smile. "Yeah."

"So you didn't change your mind?"

"No," Jack said.

"My place then?"

Jack grinned. "Your place, then."

Ianto smiled and walked down the stairs, followed by Jack.

"I'm off for the night," the Welshman said to the others.

"Jack, can you have a look at this?" Tosh said, emerging from the vaults. "I can't find how Janet escaped without triggering the alarms."

Jack shot a despairing glance at Ianto then looked back at Tosh. "Of course," he said.

"Are you coming, sir?" Ianto said, quietly and deliberately.

Jack grimaced. "We're both coming, Ianto ..." he replied, equally as deliberately, making Ianto blush. "I'll come/ even if I have trouble getting there and have to kill everyone in the hub." He grinned at Ianto and headed off towards Tosh.

Down in the vaults, he looked at Janet, who was looking at him almost guiltily as though to say 'I tried – honest!'. He glanced at Tosh.

"I just don't understand how she escaped," Tosh complained. "I've examined the cell and nothing was out of place. It was as though she was let out by someone ..." She paused and sighed. "Maybe Janet is just too smart now. Maybe we should let her go."

Jack and Janet both stared at Tosh in disbelief (although Janet's expression was more towards abject fear). "No, no, I'm sure it was just a fluke." Jack looked at Janet in an apologetic manner. He started off towards the hub again. "I'm going out for the evening so I should ... go."

Tosh nodded. "Of course."

Jack grinned to himself and whispered, "Yes!" as he walked towards the front door and pulled on his coat. "Call me if you need me." He smiled briefly at Owen and left through the front door, getting in his car and singing a little victory song.

He put the key in the ignition and turned the key starting the car and driving away. Half way down the street a noise startled him, alerting him to a flat tire.

Jack groaned and hit his head on the steering wheel. "This is not my day," he mumbled.