You Don't Hear the Bullet

The Normandy was, on one of the rarest of occasions, quiet. Not like the quiet where she could run smoother than any other ship in the Alliance Fleet, as Tali had noticed, but the quiet where there was no one aboard. Not a soul. Even Joker had hobbled out on his leg braces and crutches, griping and bitching every inch of the way, to celebrate their victory over the sociopath Saren and the Reaper Sovereign. Now, there was only Tali and Commander Shepard himself, both still recovering from serious injury. She could still remember every detail, having been one of Shepard's squad to fight in the final battle.

It started with a simple request. Tali had been down in the Engine Room, studying the various consoles alongside Adams, as usual, preparing for their attack on Ilos. No one had actually seen Shepard since he'd gruffly given Joker the coordinates of the Mu Relay and walked off to his quarters, not even bothering to check on the rest of the crew, as was his custom.

The former Marine lived by a strange concept. Out in the field, he was the cruelest, most ruthless sonofabitch you could imagine, sometimes having to be convinced not to shoot people he thought should die for their involvement in Saren's work. However, on the ship, he was the most caring, enigmatic person anyone could hope for a captain to be and more. However, this time he had holed himself up in his quarters, and he obviously wasn't coming out. He'd heard the gunfire outside the Normandy, he'd realized what that meant: Captain Anderson had indeed succeeded in getting the Normandy airborne again, but he'd been caught and injured, possibly killed in the process. Of course, that normally wouldn't have mattered to Shepard, but according to the stories Tali had heard about him, he was a completely different person now than he was then.

Caught up in her thoughts, Tali didn't hear the door open, didn't hear Adams turn around, then salute, didn't realize he was standing right behind her until his rough voice said her name.

"Tali?"

She snapped up straight, startled, and turned to see him, Commander Shepard, tall and red-haired, standing right behind her, an unreadable expression on his face.

"Shepard! I'm sorry, I didn't hear you come in, I…I was studying the drive core and I'm afraid I got caught up in my thoughts."

Shepard smiled, slightly, nodding and saying "I know what that's like. Too often have I been spooked because I was studying the map."

She relaxed, slightly, as she always seemed to in his presence. Somehow, he always seemed to have that effect on her.

He cut the small talk and got straight to what he was trying to say. "Listen, Tali, Joker just called and said we should be getting to the Mu Relay sometime in the next sixteen hours or so. In order to cut down on time, I decided to go around and make my ground team right now. You haven't seen much action yet, have you?"

Tali shook her head, wondering where he was going with this. "Just Feros. Although, I'll admit, the chance to kill a few of those Geth bastards was most satisfying."

Shepard nodded, smiling a little. She'd told him a lot about the history of the quarians, and he understood her eagerness to strike out at the synthetic soldiers.

"That's what I thought. Since Liara thinks we might be dealing with Prothean technology on Ilos as well as Geth, I thought it might be a good idea to bring a skilled engineer along. And of course, you were the first one to pop into my head."

"Me?"

If quarians could blush, something their bluish skin just could not do, Tali supposed she might be rose red by now.

"W-why me?"

Shepard smiled lightly, as if he found something amusing about the situation. "Isn't it obvious? You're the best damn expert on alien, and human, technology we've got. Adams told me how impressed he was by your knowledge of the ship's workings. Hell, when I talked to you about it myself, I was impressed."

"Y-you were?"

What was wrong with her? Usually, she was confident in herself, even in the face of all pervading death. Although, there had been that one time when she had gone slack-jawed at the sight of the Thorian on Feros while Shepard declared nothing ever simple and then remarked about their need for greater firepower. But now, she was as unsure of herself as she ever had been, even when she had first left the Migrant Fleet on her Pilgrimage.

Shepard chuckled again and replied "Of course! Hell, I couldn't even keep up with half of what you were saying until I consulted Adams. I'm a soldier, I don't know any of this mumbo-jumbo."

Realizing that Shepard was, in fact, relating one of his weaknesses in a simple passing comment, Tali blinked in surprise. Shepard did whatever was possible to cover up a disability, whether he wasn't too good with a weapon, such as his assault rifle, or he was seriously wounded and needed to be held down in cover, he never accepted a handicap, never gave himself a time-out. In fact, now that she looked closer, Tali could see the bags beginning to form under his eyes, proof of how hard he had worked to save this galaxy. And, in realizing that Shepard was just as human as everyone else on board, figuratively speaking, she felt a little more confidence seeping back into her, and she stood up a little straighter, declaring, proudly, "It'll be my pleasure to help you on this mission, Shepard!"

Remembering these moments brought a smile to Tali's face, hidden under her visor. She was currently leaning against the bulkhead in the mess, trying to figure out what had happened to the last of the coffee. Somehow, the Navy brew had been drained before the crew had been dismissed to go 'ashore.'

That aside, she suddenly felt this urge…no, this need, to go and talk to Shepard himself. Of course, Doctor Chakwas was aboard every now and then, but neither Shepard nor Tali had been that seriously wounded.

As she limped towards Shepard's quarters, the memory filtered back into her head.

Shepard looked back over his shoulder, blood trickling past his eye from the cut on his forehead, dripping down onto his armor in a crimson trail. His helmet had been knocked off by a lucky shot from one of Saren's explosives, but that hadn't assisted the turian in the slightest, as Shepard's next shotgun blast had blown him off his hover platform, which somehow had already been waiting for him when he'd leapt down.

Saren's body lay where the turian had fallen, a large piece of glass spearing him through the belly, pinning him to the ground. Black blood was already pooling around his fallen form, staining the grass around him. Shepard looked like he was about to spit down at the turian, but instead he contented himself with turning back to Tali and Garrus, both of whom stood at the ready, and told them, venomously, "Go make sure that sonofabitch is dead."

Garrus and Tali both nodded and started for the gap. Tali herself was the first one down, and relished in pulling her pistol out, getting close to the dead sociopath and planting a hammerhead round right between his eyes. Garrus turned away, fingering his radio and confirming "He's dead."

Up top, Shepard nodded to himself, then turned away, content that the crisis they had been facing for so long was almost over, when all of a sudden, a rumble hit the Citadel, and the platform he was on cracked and collapsed, taking the Spectre down with it.

A bright flash, a few high pitch scream-like sounds later, and Saren's corpse had been reanimated into a grisly synthetic nightmare, controlled by the implants Sovereign had put in him. Tali struggled to her feet, spotting Garrus do the same, but Shepard was having trouble. His left arm hung limply at his side as he pushed himself off the ground, reaching for his shotgun. When he fell over because of that small action, he roared, not in anger this time, but in pain, and tossed a poorly-aimed grenade at Saren, whose mechanical skeleton easily dodged it. It attached itself to a wall, focusing on the three being in front of it before using Saren's voice box to relay a message from the mechanical horror attached to the top of the tower.

"I am Sovereign. And this station is mine."

The utter conviction with which it was said seemed to close down any banter at all. Shepard, having finally gotten to his feet, didn't care, finally pulling out his shotgun and loosing a polonium blast in Saren's direction, accompanied by a storm of profanity, setting the thing's shields aglow.

"Garrus, start shooting, dammit! Tali, covering fire, anytime now!"

Garrus nodded an affirmation, swapping his sniper rifle for the assault rifle and firing a burst of armor piercing rounds, but the thing had already moved, and Tali tracked it with her own shotgun, firing a load of incendiary rounds that caught the thing in midair.

It took a long time, but they finally wore down the synthetic's shields enough to actually inflict damage. However, seeming to sense that it was now vulnerable, Sovereign's puppet now started firing explosives. One of them nearly hit Tali, still having enough punch, however, to knock her over. It must have done much more than that, however, as when she tried to get up again, her leg would not hold her. In the background, she heard the drum roll of Garrus' assault rifle providing covering fire, then the loud thud of Shepard's shotgun.

And suddenly, there he was, right next to her, firing another blast at Saren before turning back to her and yelling, over the gunfire and explosions, "Tali! You okay?"

Tali nodded, managing, with Shepard's help, to sit up, and turned her own weapon toward Saren, pulling the trigger once more. It wasn't very well aimed, but shotguns were made for that sort of thing. Somehow, she'd managed to fire just as Saren's skeleton was leaping right at her, blasting it right in the face. It must have done the trick, however, as Saren flipped over backwards in midair before falling to the ground and beginning to dissipate.

There was no laughter, no cheering like usually happened after large battle. Garrus looked down at his gun, so thoroughly overheated that the barrel had melted and ruined the assault rifle, and threw it down by Saren's remains, spitting before exclaiming "Tough old sonofabitch."

She almost ran into the door itself. That always seemed to happen to her. She'd get so caught up in her thoughts that she wouldn't pay attention to her surroundings. This time, however, she'd managed to save herself.

Shaking various distractions from her head, Tali palmed the intercom button linking the commander's quarters with the outside, in case the commander had the door locked and someone wanted to get in.

"Commander?"

Maybe this was a bad idea. He might be asleep, after all.

But, as if to laugh at her fears, the speaker came to life, and Shepard's gruff voice responded "Yeah, Tali, what's up?"

Tali swallowed in nervousness, but then calmed herself down. All she was looking for was some good conversation. "Mind if I come in? I'm rather bored, and I don't feel like going over my notes for the billionth time."

A truth to cover a lie. She had indeed gone over her notes on the Tantalus drive core and other key functions of the Normandy several times, but she could never grow tired of it. Shepard must know that, must consider it odd. But, once again, as if to laugh at her fears, reality happened.

"Sure, just a sec."

A few seconds later, she heard the lock on the door disengage, and it slid open, allowing her to limp inside. And there he sat, at his computer, typing away at some report or another, which, for some reason he suspiciously closed almost as soon as she walked in. He was dressed in his blue ship fatigues, save for the fact that the upper part had been unzipped and was now tied around his waist. He was wearing a thin white shirt that she remembered the humans called 'tank tops.' His left arm was in a cast and a sling, hanging over his chest in its blue cloth cradle.

Shepard stood and turned to her, looking quite tired. Tali had never thought she'd see the powerful Spectre look so weak as he was right now.

"Tired?" she asked. He gestured feebly to his sling, commenting "Hurts like a bitch. Can't get any sleep. I suppose lack of rest'll catch up with me sooner or later, though, and I'll get the forty winks I'll need." He nodded to her. "What about you? That explosion could have ripped you apart if it had been two feet further to the left."

"Don't remind me." She shivered, wishing she could forget how close she'd come to death. She looked back up at him, a thought occurring to her. "There's a myth among you humans, I believe. How does it go?" She pondered a little, grateful for the distraction that kept her mind off the red-headed former marine in front of her. Finally, she remembered it and said "Ah yes. I think it's 'you always hear the bullets.'"

Shepard chuckled before replying "Actually, it's 'You hear the bullet before you die.' I don't actually believe it myself though."

"Really? What about that old saw I heard you tell Williams that one time? About there being no atheists in a foxhole? I think you've been in a lot of foxholes."

Shepard chuckled again, responding "Yes, yes, you heard correctly. That, however, is religion, not personal beliefs. My family was Christian, they believed in God and Jesus Christ. I believe in them too, but I'm not as religious as they were."

Tali cocked her head to the side in curiosity. Shepard never spoke of his family, ever. Not even when she told him about hers.

"Really? What were they like?"

Shepard took a half breath before waving it off and saying "Never mind, it's a long story-"

"Then start talking. We've got plenty of time. I hardly know anything about you Shepard, and you know almost everything about me. To quarians, to give and never receive is one of the most insulting gestures possible."

She was grinning under her helmet, and although it was impossible for him to see it, she could tell that he knew it was there.

Shepard sighed and replied "Alright, take a seat. But I warned you." She nodded, leaning against the desk as he sat down on his bed and started with "I was born on Mindoir, one of humanity's most profitable colonies. We didn't have much, of course, but the rich farmland, the plentiful mining, the clear water and full oceans…ah, it was almost a paradise, like Eden Prime." She could tell that was no longer his opinion now. And, a second later, he confirmed it. "Not anymore, though. Now, the seas are polluted, the farmland has been hit by artillery, the mines gutted…it's almost like Earth, except no one's there anymore. We got wiped out when the batarians started hit-and-running us."

"I heard about that. And how they were stopped during the Skyllian Blitz."

Shepard nodded. "I wish I'd been there. I'd grown up on Mindoir, come to love everything about it, had a loving family, a bright future in farming ahead of me. Then, the batarians came. We tried to fight, but we were civilians, we weren't equipped to deal with an entire invasion. The best we had were shotguns, maybe a few assault rifles for the militia."

Tali shook her head and pointed out "You haven't said a word about your family yet."

Shepard nodded, responding "I was building up to that. My family were farmers. We were part of this colonizing plan to sell large amounts of land to construction companies for homes. Of course, my father saw the smarts in buying cheap land for farming. 'What happens when you've built everything you can on that one spot of land? Then you've got nothing left to build on, that's what!'" Shepard chuckled, smiling to himself as he stared at the floor, remembering. "That was one of his favorite answers to my questions of why we became farmers. I remember asking a lot of questions, such as how most of the machines worked, why people existed in the first place, all that sort of stuff. He wasn't highly educated, he didn't know most of it. So, he either made up an answer, or he told me to go ask my mother."

And now, he tipped his head back, his eyes starting to become wet. Tali suddenly found herself very concerned for him, and said, quietly "If you don't want to talk about it, I-"

"No," muttered Shepard, wiping his eyes before continuing "No. I haven't talked to anyone about it. No one. I need to get it off my chest."

It put Tali off, to see the normally steel strong commander so pitiful before her. He was like a suit of armor, strong on the outside, hollow within. Well, maybe not the best of metaphors, but it made sense to her…sort of.

When Shepard was finally ready to keep going, he said "My mom. Wow, what a woman. I don't think I've met someone so devoted before. She was a lawyer before she met my father. Said she was swept up by his 'down-to-earth charm.' Found herself whisked away from her practice on Earth out to a new colony on a brand-new planet with a back country man who didn't know higher math than geometry. Still, she never complained. Never said anything bad about my dad. In fact, she seemed to mold to the farming lifestyle pretty well. She'd get up with him at dawn and ride out on the harvesters with him to work the fields alongside him. And she always had a smile on her face. I always loved that about her."

A single tear ran down Shepard's cheek, but if he noticed he didn't care. Tali had to admit she was shell-shocked now. Having come in here for plain conversation to simply halt her boredom, she had not expected to be the confessor to Shepard's past. Sure, she had a few bad things happen to her, but they were nothing to break down about. To have something like this bottled up inside you…he must've been emotionally torn.

Skipping over the details of the attack on Mindoir itself, she recalled something she'd heard, a rumor. "What about Torfan?"

Shepard's head slowly came back around to look her in, what he assumed to be the general area of her eyes. "So, you heard about that too, huh? Well, maybe it's for the best. Yeah, I was a soldier on Torfan. We damn near lost the regiment there. Soon as we came into range of the guns, the sergeant went down, and I had to cover for him. Then the drop ship went down, hard, got us into the tunnel entrance. We got cut off, but we got inside, had to fight our way through the batarians bastards, and we didn't even have enough guns. Even so, we didn't have the guns we do today. We didn't have mass accelerated bullets and no issues about ammo. Just powder and lead. And those didn't last long. I don't know what happened. I just suddenly snapped, I recall, and started smashing away at them with a sledgehammer I found. I think…"

Here he paused, as if trying to remember something long forgotten. Finally, he said "I think I was trying to pay them back, every inch, every second, for what happened to my home. My parents. My life." He closed his eyes and ran his right hand over a small scar on his chin, under the reddish stubble.

And that's when Tali felt it once more. That undying need to go and comfort him, put her arms around him and help him through this. And she knew what that was: a strong, steady affection for the tough soldier who right now was ready to break down and cry like a five-year old. Without even realizing what she was doing, she was up and moving, then sitting down next to him, wrapping her arm around his shoulders…and he just broke. Suddenly, he was weeping on her shoulder, stammering "God, you s-should've seen it, T-Tali. My dad…Mom…God, the artillery ripped them apart. A-And the boys on Torfan…God, most of them w-weren't even out of their t-teens yet. All d-dead."

She held on to him, not saying a word. He'd kept his eyes clear for years about this, and now he was venting his emotions all at once. Anything she said at this point would simply kill the moment.

He cried for a half-hour, every now and then bringing up a certain person, be it his mother, father or one of his squad mates. Finally, he sat up, wiping his red eyes dry before turning to her, a small, sad smile on his face, and whispering "Thanks. And sorry."

Tali nodded, a smile on her lips under her visor. "Anytime. And…for what?"

Shepard chuckled again, though it was more of a forced laugh than anything else. "For having to baby-sit me. Bad enough you had to listen to me become nostalgic and weepy, but-"

He suddenly found his lips obscured by a finger. Tali shook her head slowly, saying "Shepard. You need to realize by now, if I wasn't here for you, I wouldn't be here at all."

Shepard chuckled again, but genuinely this time. "Heh. That's a lie. You love this ship."

And, before she knew what she was doing, Tali smiled under her visor and replied "Not as much as you."

Shepard's smile slowly slid off his face, and he even more slowly, brought his head around to face her, an unreadable look on his face.

"Oh no, I said that out loud, didn't I?" she realized, horror-struck.

Slowly, she slid her arm off of Shepard's shoulders before rising to her feet and limping for the door, muttering "I'll just go now."

"Tali, wait!"

And suddenly, he was there, his hand on her arm. She froze, afraid of what he would do to her. And then he asked her the last thing she was expecting.

"Tali…how do the quarians show…affection?"