~*In loving memory of the mind of A.S. Murray, who has given me yet another brain-murdering story to tell.*~

(In the fifth year boys' dormitory in Gryffindor Tower, Remus jumps and slams his book shut at the sound of someone running up the stairs.)

Sirius: Moony!

Remus, mockingly: Sirius!

Sirius: You've gotta help me!

Remus: What did you do this time? I told you not to bother Lily when she's… Never mind. What is it?

(Sirius drops to his hands and knees at the end of Remus's bed.)

Sirius: I made a bet.

Remus: Oh, here we go again. It's your fault, not mine, and you promised after the mess you made last time that you wouldn't drag me into any more of your idiotic plans.

Sirius, whining: But this is different! This time you're part of the bet!

(Remus sighs and puts his book on his bedside table, then walks to the end of the bed and sits down.)

Sirius: I'll give you half of it if I win, and twenty Galleons if you at least give it a try!

Remus: Sirius, if this involves trolling one of my tests, you can go…

Sirius: No, no. It's nothing like that. It's more of a… social troll.

Remus: What the bloody hell are you talking about? You look like James just threw you into a dragon's den. Are you blushing? I don't think I've ever seen you…

Sirius: Will you please just let me explain? It'll make more sense, and then we can start haggling for a price for your… services.

Remus: "Services"? James needs to have a lock put on his bank account if he has the kind of money to make THAT kind of a bet. No. No, no, no, no, no!

Sirius: Lupin! Please just let me explain. It's not that bad, but it's not a particularly… pleasant bet. But I promise I'll stay off of your bed if you stay off mine.

(Remus rolls his eyes and nods slowly, not sure what he might be subjecting himself to.)

Sirius: You know that dance the prefects have been organizing?

Remus: The one that's going to be held on Friday?

Sirius: Yeah, the "Slush Ball" or whatever the hell they're calling it. You see, James thinks it would be supremely entertaining if…

Remus: If, what? What does The King want now?

Sirius: He wants me to ask you to…

(Sirius's voice lowers to a whimper.)

Sirius: Please come to the ball with me?

Remus: What? I didn't quite catch that.

Sirius: Don't make me say it again.

Remus: But I didn't hear you. I can't help you if I have no idea what's going on.

Sirius: Fine. Lupin, will you please come to the ball with me?

(Sirius falls forward onto his face into a bow, and Remus's face beams bright red.)

Remus: No. No way.

(Sirius sits up again, his face still maintaining a pink hue.)

Sirius: But he's willing to pay 300 Galleons if we'll do it. I'll give you the 150 and another 30 and… and a bag of licorice wands. And we get full rights to make him do something "not quite as bad", as he says.

Remus: No.

Sirius: Please? I already have something in mind to do to him! And if we get caught, I'll take all the blame. Please? Please? ?!?

Remus: I said no!

Sirius: But the dress isn't even that bad!

Remus: Wait, I would have to wear a dress? No freaking way. You're on you own. Take Snape.

(Sirius makes a retching noise.)

Sirius: Prongs suggested that for 500 Galleons, but that would never happen. And if he said yes, I would die on the way out of the dungeon. Please? How about… 180 and the candy?

Remus: Padfoot, I'm glad you think I'm feminine and stupid, but you didn't change your offer. I'll do it for… 225 and three boxes of chocolate frogs. Three of YOUR boxes.

Sirius: But that's MY chocolate!

Remus: And Friday's MY day away from you, in the library. Pay it, or nay it.

(Sirius groans and slumps forward again.)

Sirius: But that's MY chocolate!

Remus: Come on, Padfoot. I need an answer. Who knows, Lucius might ask me next.

Sirius, grumbling: I'd rather see that anyway.

Remus: Five… four… three… two …o….

Sirius: Alright, alright! But it's gonna be two boxes of chocolate frogs and a bag of licorice wands.

Remus: With a pack of Drooble's, fine. But I swear, I will claw your eyes out if you don't keep up your end of the bargain. Do you understand me?

Sirius: Yes, I understand quite clearly. Prongs is coming up with a list of terms all three of us are going to sign, and he's going to put the money down. I'll split your share with you so you can count it, and I'll get your flipping gum next time we get to Hogsmeade.

Remus: Wait, he's still coming up with ideas for this?

Sirius: Yeah, but we can back out if things get too psychotic. I only bet 30 Galleons, and I make more than that every two weeks off Malfoy and Lestrange.

Remus, sighing: Only The King.

Sirius: Only The King.

********

(At a quarter to five on the day of the Snow Ball, Remus stares in disbelief at himself in front of a mirror in the boys' bathroom. His hair, now much longer thanks to a growth charm, is piled on top of his head in a delicate tower and his face is hidden by globs of Muggle makeup. A high-cut, sparkly lavender dress hangs from his shoulders, and two-inch high heels squeeze his feet. Remus turns and looks up at Sirius sitting on his bed.)

Sirius: It's only for a couple of hours. You don't have to dance or anything.

Remus: I'm a bloody drag queen.

Sirius: Nah. But you are selling your body, in a non-typical kind of way.

Remus: You're a whole lot of help, you know that. Why did I agree to this?

Sirius: Dunno. The sparkles seem to be sinking into your brain, though. You sound just like my last girlfriend.

Remus: Just so you know, this will NOT buy you a date, Sirius.

(Sirius turns pale and freezes.)

Remus: I was only kidding. Honestly, you're the first one to throw a punch but the last one to take a hit.

Sirius: That's not funny. And by the way, you DO look like a queen. You should dance with Prongs. The King would like that.

Remus: Only for another hundred.

Sirius: Why are you so keen on getting rich off this? I've never seen you so greedy before.

Remus: I'm saving up for an encyclopedia set. Costs a fortune, and I don't have much right now. After this, I'll only need another 635 Galleons and I can get it.

Sirius: You're determined.

(Sirius glances at the clock on his bedside table.)

Sirius: Ready?

Remus: I'll never be ready for this.

Sirius: Me neither.

(Sirius offers his arm to Remus, who hesitates before taking it and beginning the walk of ultimate embarrassment.)

********

James: Bloody hell. How'd you get him to do it?

Remus: He didn't get me to do anything, Potter. I chose to.

(James grins and gestures for Remus to have a seat at the table he'd saved. Sirius creeps away, trying to avoid being noticed.)

James: So I was right. You just wanted to go out with Padfoot.

(Remus grimaces and focuses on the basket of flowers in front of him.)

James: Come on, you have to admit it. You've been giving him some interesting looks lately. Haven't you?

Remus: They're called "death glares", James, and if I ever hear you say that, or anything like it again, you'll die a horrible, painful death in the middle of the Forbidden Forest. All alone. And no one will ever find you. Understand?

James: Perfectly. Now, if you'll excuse me…. I'd like to go enjoy my evening with Miss Turner. See you 'round, Lupin.

(James leaves the table and Remus puts his face down on his arms. A Hufflepuff sixth year comes and puts his hand on Remus's shoulder.)

Hufflepuff: Oh, come on. Don't cry. You'll mess up your makeup.

Remus: What, are you in on it, too?

Hufflepuff: I don't know what you're talking about. But you're real pretty. Want to dance?

Remus: No way in this universe. Go eat flobberworms.

(Remus sulks for a few more seconds, then looks around for Sirius. He finds him walking back to the table with two blue goblets and a plate of chocolate bars.)

Remus: I thought you had run off.

Sirius: Nope. We're stuck here together. Just don't go off with any Hufflepuffs. Saw Flicke over here.

Remus, rolling his eyes: As if I'd do anything stupid like that. I'm here for the money.

Sirius: And the chocolate.

Remus: Yes, and the chocolate.

Sirius: You do realize that he's never going to let us live this down, right?

Remus: Of course. But what did you have in mind to do to him?

(Sirius grins and takes a drink from his goblet.)

Sirius: Patience, Moony, patience. I'll tell you the specifics later, but let's just say it involves Lily, Slughorn, and a whole bunch of Polyjuice Potion.

Remus: Interesting. I take it that you're not going home for the holidays.

Sirius: Nope. Care to join me?

Remus: Of course. He's going to regret this.

Sirius: Yes, very much so.

********

(On Christmas morning two weeks later, Remus wakes up to find himself alone in the dormitory. He grabs his robe and creeps downstairs, wondering if Sirius is eating all of the candy the Potters sent each of them every year.)

Remus: Hello? Sirius?

(After getting no reply, he crosses the room to the tree and sees a note perched on top of a massive package on the armchair.)

Be back in a few hours.

Don't come looking for me or

Filch will figure out where the

cauldron is.

Merry Christmas.

(Remus glances at the post mark stamped onto the package and grins. He rips the paper away and flips through the first volume of the new encyclopedia set.)

Remus: Honestly, Padfoot. Who's side are you on?