ACE COMEDY X

Unsung Daily Doubles of ...Shattered Knowledge of Fires

by: Joshua Wayne [DA: Karthesios]

The standard issue disclaimer: Ace Combat and all related names and concepts are property of Namco Bandai / Project ACES. I don't own them and this a work of parody. Jeopardy belongs to Merv Griffin, who is probably spinning in his grave right now. Oh, and it may also contain spoilers from several games in the Ace Combat series. Just a heads up.

Live from Oured, the beautiful capital of Osea! This...is...Jeopardy! Now entering the studio are today's contestants! A fighter pilot for the OADF, also known as "Blaze," [loud bleep

(In the control room...)

Technician 1: "Why is his name getting bleeped?"

Technician 2: "Well, because he never got an actual name aside from his callsign, since he was the player character."

Techincian 1: "So, what do we do?"

Technician 2: "We need a real name for him."

Technician 1: "Turn this into a bit of self-insertion?"

Technician 2: "For the win."

(Suddenly, Blaze looks like Karth.)

Blaze:"Whoa, my hair grew long all of a sudden. Hm, kinda groovy."

Another fighter pilot in the OADF, welcome Kei Nagase, aka "Edge!"

(Nagase enters the studio and takes the second podium).

Nagase:"Blaze! I don't remember you having long hair."

Blaze:"Liv, I mean, Nagase, I mean...I don't recall you cutting yours."

Nagase:"Not one minute in and we're already confused."

And finally, an older, drunker pilot in the OADF...Jack Bartlett!

(Bartlett takes the third podium. He's got a beer in one hand.)

Bartlett:"Hello, nuggets."

Blaze:"Nuggets?"
Nagase:"Yeah, where were you when we destroyed the SOLG?"

And now the host of Jeopardy, Alex Trebek—wait, who's that!?

(Instead of Alex Trebek, the Sand Island Base commander, Orson Perrault walks out on stage.)

Blaze:"Aw, god, him...someone please shoot me in the head."
Nagase:"Blaze, no!"

Blaze:"Why not?"

Nagase:"Then you won't be able to shoot me in the head."

Bartlett:"I'll take care of him. No gunshots necessary."

Perrault:"No liquor on stage!"

Bartlett:"I got enough for everybody!"

Perrault:"You've never been one to follow orders, Bartlett. But rather than waste my time with you, let's get on with the game...the categories are...Hodgepodge...Rock and Roll...Strangereal Geography...Famous Aces...The One With Your Name On It—it's about your special weapons...and finally, Very Big Things That Ought Not Fly...that one's about flying superweapons...now, let's get on with this. Blaze, you drew the short straw, you go first. Pick a category."

Blaze:"Alrighty then. I'll take Strangereal Geography for 200."

Perrault:"For 200 it is. Directus is the capital of this country...Bartlett?"

Bartlett:"What is Ufia?" He takes a swig.

Perrault:"...I can see you're intent on winning...Nagase?"

Nagase:"What is Ustio?"

Perrault:"That is correct."

Bartlett (to the other contestants):"I was asking him what an Ufia was."

Nagase:"You oughta slow down with that."

Bartlett:"Nah. The party is just getting started." (He pulls out a bottle of Jeremiah Weed.)

Blaze:"I don't want to know where he keeps those."

Nagase:"I'll take Your Name On It for 200."

Perrault:"These missiles require you steer them by keeping the target within a circle on your HUD."

Blaze:"What Semi-active Air-to-air Missiles (SAAM)?"

Perrault:"Good stuff. Those things are great if you can maneuver precisely enough."

Blaze:"Geography for 400."

Perrault:"Brunies is the capital of this country."

Nagase:"...I like brunies. My mom used to make the best batches of them...then I got ahold of a batch that apparently wasn't meant for me and started tripping mad balls."

Blaze:"Madballs kicked ass back when I was little."

Perrault:"No real answers?"

(Silence)

Perrault:"The answer...'What is Fato?' Brunies is the capital of Fato."

Bartlett:"Fato, huh, Perrault? I guess it does take one to know one." He starts laughing.

Nagase:"Wow, shack on the target."

Perrault:"Why didn't I see that coming? ...Anyway, since no one answered that last one legitimately, Nagase, it's still your board."

Nagase:"Looks like this is my lucky day. Give me Strangereal Geography for 600."

Perrault:"This continent was was the setting of three Ace Combat titles, including Shattered Skies."

Bartlett:"What is Ufia?" He takes a big swig from the bottle of Weed.

Perrault:"Ufia again...ugh, I'll chalk it up to you being drunk. It's actually Usea, but Bartlett's sobriety is quickly fading."

Bartlett:"The day is mine! I'll take Famous Asses for 400."

Perrault:"That's Aces, Mr. Bartlett, Famous Aces."

Bartlett:"It's spelled 'ass' in some languages."

Perrault:"Here's the clue...this famous ace was known as the Southern Cross."

Bartlett:"Jennifer Lopez!"

Perrault:"That is incorrect, Bartlett. Let me remind you that it's ACES. Famous ACES."

Bartlett:"Not a fan of the female posterior, are you Perrault?"

Perrault:"Anybody else? Need I remind you of the category?"
Blaze:"Who is Gryphus One?"

Perrault:"Good, someone's paying attention."

Bartlett:"Oh, that's not all I paid attention to. I paid attention to the sounds your mother made last night, Perrault." He starts laughing.

Perrault:"Okay, that one was uncalled for. Blaze, pick a category."

Blaze:"Give me Oughtn't Fly for 200."

Perrault:"This Leasath-built weapon was equipped with optical camoflauge and a shock cannon...Nagase?"

Nagase:"What is the Gleipnir?"

Perrault:"Good. It seems you guys are realizing you're on a game show and not at a roast."

Nagase:"I'll take Hodgepodge for 200 then."

Perrault:"This Emmerian battalion's name is a reference to a 1980s Namco arcade game."

Bartlett:"Pac-man!"

Perrault:"No."
Bartlett:"No, I meant pack those burgers down your gullet, man!"

Blaze:"Who are the Dragon Busters?"

Perrault:"I'm gonna need me a drink of that crap Bartlett's got here soon."

Blaze:"Hodgepodge for 400."

Perrault:"This was PJ's favorite sport...Nagase?"

Nagase:"What is polo?"

Perrault:"Good."

Nagase:"Famous Aces for 200."

Perrault:"This ace was also known as Solo Wing."

Bartlett:"Who is Pixy?"

Perrault:"Very good, Mr. Bartlett."

Bartlett:"I do have one question for you, though, sir."

Perrault:"You do? What is it?"

Bartlett:"Back in your day, weren't you known as Solo Hand?" He busts out laughing maniacally.

Nagase:"Okay, I'll admit that was kinda funny."

Bartlett:"We need some music here. Give me Rock and Roll for 200."

Perrault:"This pair of F-16 pilots formed their own group to write more modern songs about life in the air force."

Silence.

Perrault:"No one? Dos Gringos is that band."

The contestants look on, confused.

Perrault:"Apparently since rock and roll music only appeared in Ace Combat 5, the writer had to bring in some other material. I hear he's trying to keep it as relevant as possible...ugh, Bartlett, pick again."

Bartlett:"Your Name On It for 600."

Perrault;"Okay. This SP weapon most likely draws its inspiration from AMRAAMs, such as those carried by the F-15."

Bartlett:"Could you repeat the question?"

Perrault:"This SP weapon most likely draws its inspiration from AMRAAMs, such as those carried by the F-15."

Bartlett:"I AMRAAM'd your mother." He starts laughing again.

Perrault:"Again, fool me once...you get the rest...Blaze, are you gonna give an actual answer?"

Blaze:"What are the Advanced Medium Range Air-to-Air Missiles (XMAA)?"

Perrault:"Good."

Blaze:"Give me Oughtn't Fly for 400."

Perrault:"Also referred to as the White Bird, this flying weapon's original purpose was to contribute to building an international space station."

Nagase starts buzzing in furiously.

Nagase:"The Arkbird!"

Perrault:"I'm sorry, Nagase, you have to state your response in the form of a question."

After a pause, Nagase throws the buzzer at Perrault, hitting him in the side of the head.

Perrault:"Ow! ...Blaze?"

Blaze:"What is the Arkbird."

Perrault:"Correct."

Blaze:"Hodgepodge for 600."

Perrault:"This one's an audio clue...pay attention to the sound clip and identify who spoke that line."

The clip:

Child's voice:"Garuda Team, engage!"

Nagase grabs the buzzer belonging to Bartlett, who's now piss drunk and starts buzzing in.

Perrault:"It's Bartlett's podium that's lit up, but since you're buzzing in, Nagase, give us an answer."

Nagase:"Who is Radio?"

Perrault:"Correct. Just use Bartlett's for now. He seems blissfully unaware."

Nagase:"Your name on it for 400."

Perrault:"The UGBS—the Small Unguided Bomb—only appeared in Ace Combat 4, as a Special Weapon for the F-5E, the F-16C, the MiG-29A and this plane."

Nagase:"That's awfully specific for a $400 question."

Bartlettactually buzzing in:"I left some small unguided bombs in the bathroom stall earlier."

Perrault:"That is awful."

Blaze:"What is the Mirage 2000?"

Perrault:"Thank you, Blaze."

Blaze:"I'll take Rock for 400."

Perrault:"In this Dos Gringos song, of nearly identical title, the singer wishes he had a gun just like this plane."

Bartlett:"What is a Hog?"

Perrault:"The A-10 Thunderbolt II, or Warthog...or even 'Hog. Correct, Bartlett."

Bartlett:"You mean the question wasn't about the host?"

Blaze:"Geez, Bartlett, you alright over there?"

Perrault:"Good question...now, before we go to break, let's review the scores...Blaze is in the lead with 2200, Nagase in second with an even thousand, and Bartlett, who's at all balls right now."

Bartlett:"Let the truth be known! I AM all balls!"

Perrault:"It is not necessary for you to elaborate on that. And, when we get back, Nagase will have a new buzzer."