EVANNA: (visiting coach class) Hello! We will be arriving at…what the natives call… Gwadarchi Island!
ARRA: What are you playing at, anyway, Evanna? I…ahem…Kurda…and I…just found out you are sending us to an uncharted island!
ALL: -GASP-
STEVE: I'm too sexy to be uncharted!
LARTEN: What? That does not…
DARREN: Say "doesn't" old man…Seba's not here to pull out any hairs.
LARTEN: Okay…I'll try…doesen…not…no…does….ent…(screws up face) Does…not…ent…ACK!
DARREN: (whispers to Harkat) I love to do that!
LARTEN: SCREW YOU, DARREN!
PARIS: …
ELVIS PRESLEY ON THE INTERCOM: Gooooooooooood Evenin' everbody…thank ya'…thank ya' very much!
KURDA: Elvis was our…captain????????????????????
ELVIS (still on intercom…but you know): Yes, baby, I'm the captain…and the captain of your dreams (flight attendant whispers to him, "he's a guy") Goodness gracious! I ain't gonna deal with…that…that's a little screwy for my taste…(realizes he needs to get back to business) Okay, fans…thank ya'…thank ya' very much for flying "The King's Airline" p…p…pleeease…come back another time…just lettin' yall know that this…is an uncharted island…without…an airport…so anyone plannin' to go to Gwardarchi…must uuuuuuuuuuuun…fasten their seatbelts…aaaaaaaaaaaaand…please…get…a…parachute!
LARTEN: A PARACHUTE!?
EVANNA: (puts on her parachute) I get a first class parachute… built-in TV…cup holder…and a seat cushion! Let's go boys! (all put on parachutes and jump off)
(All are freefalling through the air…except Evanna…who is watching "The Nanny" on the built-in T.V)
ALL: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!
MURLOUGH: EEEEEEEEEP! (grabs onto Steve)
STEVE: OH NO YOU DON'T!
ARRA: WE'RE LANDING! PULL YOUR STRINGS! (mutters) Please let Kurda's be broken (all parachutes come out successfully) DAMN!
LARTEN: I'M SCARED!
KURDA&ARRA: I'LL HOLD YOU, BABY!
KURDA: OH NO YOU DIDN'T!
ARRA: OH YES I DID! (Cat…wait…Kurda's a…NAH! Catfight)
HARKAT: WE'RE LANDING! (all land on a sandy beach, except for Paris who lands in a palm tree)
EVANNA: Kiss him, Fran! (all look at her) Oh, sorry (switches off T.V) Well, that was a nice trip (mumbles are heard from the rest) What did you say? (holds up a fingernail)
ALL BUT PARIS: NOTHING!
EVANNA: One…two…three…four (counting heads) Well…looks like we're all accounted for!
PARIS: …
EVANNA: Hmmm…where's Paris…must be at the hotel
PARIS: …
EVANNA: Well, boys…your next challenge is…to go on……………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..GO-SEES!
ALL 5 BOYS: On what's?
EVANNA: (hands out papers) Now…on these sheets are different modeling agencies on this island…
LARTEN: There are a lot here…
EVANNA: Yes…that's why it's uncharted, baby…Back to business! You must find your way there…impress the natives there…and be back by 5 o' clock…well…it's a nice sunny day at the beach, so…
KURDA: Sunny? (looks at sun) O…M…F…G!
MURLOUGH: That might be an teensy-weensy little problem…
EVANNA: FORGET IT! THIS STORY DOESN'T HAVE TO MAKE SENSE! JUST MOVE IT!
PARIS: …
(Larten's perspective)
LARTEN: Ugga-Choo modeling agency…god…where is it? (taps a native on the shoulder) Umm…excuse me, sir?
NATIVE: UGGA-WUGGA!
LARTEN: (blushes) Oh…very sorry, Miss…I was not looking (Native slaps him) Ugga-forget you! (looks up) Ah! Here it is, anyways! (rings doorbell…another slightly more fluent Native answers)
MORE FLUENT NATIVE: My Ugga poo dugga name…ugga…is…Ugga-Feeca…you…Luggaten?
LARTEN: Nice to meet you, Ugga-Feeca…it is Larten, actually. Larten Crepsley.
UGGA-FEECA: Luggaten…ugga live with it. Ugga pose for ugga me. (Larten poses) Try…ugga…swimsuit…red mugga…is your cugga…
LARTEN: Pardon?
UGGA-FEECA: PUT IT UGGA ON!
LARTEN: Yes, s-…m-…person.
(Harkat's perspective)
HARKAT: (waves to a girl Native) I'll…ugga, catch ya later, baby!
GIRL NATIVE: UGGA SUGGA…SEXY!
HARKAT: I'm on fire…now…I should probably be going to a go-see…crap! It's 4:55! Oh, well…I'll pretend I went on one.
(Kurda's perspective)
KURDA: (wandering aimlessly) Okay…this is ironic…I'm a cartographer…and I'm lost! How does that happen.
RANDOM NATIVE: Ugga…dumb-shit.
KURDA: Ahh! Here's the Uggatorium (A…(guess) Native comes out) Hello…(looks closely) mam'! I'm Kurda Smahlt. Nice to meet you.
UGGA-TITIA: Me Ugga-Titia…is your ugga hair, nugga?
KURDA: Pardon?
UGGA-TITIA: Ugga…sorry…nugga…natural!
KURDA: Very much, so! Someone did dye it black…but they died it back.
UGGA-TITIA: Ugga…dumb shit…ugga
KURDA: Excuse me?
UGGA-TITIA: Ugga…nothing…try on…ugga…pugga…pink…outfit!
KURDA: (holds outfit up) Looks like the outfit from Legally Blonde 2…
UGGA-TITIA: Ugga you…and ugga…Reese…wugga…Witherspoon…lugga…look…ugga…alike.
KURDA: Umm…thank you…(?)
(Darren's perspective)
DARREN: (in the Tugga-Wugga agency) Ugga frugga ugga mugga? (Do you like these pants on me?)
UGGA-HUGGA (head fashion designer): Nugga tugga thrugga frugga bugg. (They fit your leg type nicely.)
DARREN: Ugga kugga yugga ugga fatugga butugga hugg? (Do they make my butt look big? Tell the truth)
UGGA-HUGGA: Ugg…………grubba-dugga scrugga nugga ugga wugga….bugga yugga…thugga dugga ugga lugga…trugga thugga ugga! (Well………….they give you a curvaceous form…but yeah…they do, a little. Try these on!) (holds out some pinstripe pants)
DARREN: Thugga yugga ugg! (Thank you!)
(Steve's perspective)
STEVE: Well, losers…you like these shoes? (the two designer natives, Ugga-Drugga and Ugga-Whoohah look at each other)
UGGA-DRUGGA (to Ugga-Whoohah) Ugga fugga hyugga jugga frugg. (His disposition is like that of a wounded goat.)
UGGA-WHOOHAH: Krugga bwugga thrugga vugga crugga. (And he smells like an old cabbage.)
UGGA-DRUGGA: They…ugga…look…ugga…okay.
STEVE: Okay? OKAY?! ANYTHING ON ME LOOKS SEXY! DON'T YOU TELL ME WHAT I LOOK LIKE, STUPID NATIVE!
UGGA-WHOOHAH: Yugga fruggs scrugga nugga drugg? (What the hell did he say?)
UGGA-DRUGGA: Jugga kugga krugga vyrugga kugga nugga? (Beats me…something about pesto sauce?)
STEVE: Now…this top…don't you think the purple looks good with my eyes…come on now! I know this must be better looking than that bone in your nose, Ugga-Whoohah.
UGGA-WHOOHAH: Sugga zugga mugga trugga ugga, Ugga-Drugga? Lugga frugga thugga krugga. (Is he hitting on me, Ugga-Drugga? If he is, please tell him I'm taken.)
A.N. Short…I know…the island series will take longer to write…eliminations may be next chapter…they may not…but please be patient and see it as an opportunity to savor this story…okay? Enjoy your feeble lives!