Sybil shoved her husband into the drawing room and shut the door behind them. "Sam, you really do need to calm down."

Vimes glared at her. "How could you not tell me about this?"

"I only found out about it an hour ago--"

"So? You could've sent a clacks to the Yard or something, Sybil! Instead I come home to find…" He shook his head in disgust. "He's too old for her."

"I agree there is a bit of an age difference but--"

"A bit?" said Vimes incredulously. "She's sixteen! He's got to be at least sixty-something."

"Havelock is seventy-one, dear, the same age as you," said Sybil. "Look, I didn't agree with it at first either, but she says she really loves him. Maybe, when you feel that way about someone that big an age difference just doesn't matter."

"Bollocks!" snarled Vimes. "He's old enough to be her grandfather."

"Well, dating an older man does have its attractions…" Sybil trailed off as her husband's glare turned up a few notches. "This probably isn't the best time to mention it, but Marissa said she thinks Havelock's going to pop the question sometime soon. That's why she wanted to bring him here this evening."

"No way." Vimes punched out at the nearest wall, wincing slightly as it connected. "There is no way that my little girl is going to marry that man."

Sybil sighed. "You know as well as I do that if you tell her that she'll go out and do it anyway. She got her bloody-mindedness from you."

"She can't marry him if I lock her up in the cells at the Yard."

"Havelock's the Patrician, dear. He could order you to release her. Just come back into the sitting room and talk to them."

"Fine." Vimes aimed another punch at the wall. "But I don't care if he's Patrician or not; if he's touched her, I'm going to kill him."

Marissa looked up nervously as her father and mother re-entered the room. "Is everything okay, Daddy?"

Vimes ignored her. "I think you've got some explaining to do, Vetinari."

The Patrician smiled. "I suppose I do, don't I? But I think Marissa could explain events better than I could though; her version is much livelier."

"I don't care if she tells the story while juggling firecrackers and a live cat. I want to hear it from you," snarled Vimes.

"Very well," said Vetinari. "As you are aware I've known your daughter a number of years, Vimes. But it wasn't until I saw her at the soiree for the Klatchian ambassador two months ago that I finally realised what a lovely young woman she's grown into."

"Emphasis on the word 'young'," muttered Sam.

"You're not helping," Marissa hissed at him.

"I know; I feel just wretched about it."

"You are such a loser."

"Look who's talking, you're dating a bloody geriatric!" Sam chuckled for a moment, then remembered exactly who that geriatric was. "Um, no that there's anything wrong with that, of course…"

"I'm so glad you think so," said Vetinari dryly. "Now if I may continue?"

Sam nodded nervously.

"Good. As I was saying, I was most impressed with your daughter, Vimes." Vetinari gave Marissa a fond smile. "She has become an incredibly beautiful and charming young woman and I have to admit, that evening she captivated me."

"And then what happened?"

"Well, nothing. I wanted to find out if Marissa felt the same about me as I did about her, but I didn't think it appropriate. Then Sybil approached me about the possibility of tutoring Marissa for her Political Expediency class."

"And you used your influence and position to seduce my teenaged daughter, did you, you bastard?"

"Daddy, it wasn't like that," interrupted Marissa. "He was a perfect gentleman during the classes; I chased him, honestly."

Vimes shot Vetinari an inquisitive look. "She was rather persistent," Vetinari admitted. "I was quite flattered really."

"I see." Vimes took a deep breath. "Sybil, Sam, Marissa; will you leave the room for a few minutes please?"

"Sam, what are you going to do?" asked Sybil worriedly.

"I'm just going to have a little chat with his lordship." Vimes gave Vetinari a shark-like smile. "You don't have a problem with that, do you, Vetinari?"

"Not at all, Vimes."

Sybil and Sam stood up to leave but Marissa stayed sitting. "I'm not leaving," she announced. "Anything you say to Havelock you can say to me too, Daddy."

Vetinari patted her knee affectionately. "It's quite alright, my dear. Do as your father asks."

"But--"

"Marissa, please." The girl shot him an anxious look but nodded hesitantly and left with her brother and mother.

The two men stared at each other.

Vetinari smiled. "So Vimes, what do you have to say to me?"

"So what exactly is the attraction?"

"You mean apart from the fact that he's gorgeous?"

"Yeah, gorgeous for someone who's practically a walking corpse, he's so old."

"Well at least I don't fancy someone whose dates mostly consist of going out for walkies!"

"Yeah? At least she can walk unassisted and--what do you mean dates? Is Emma seeing someone?"

"Children, please." Sybil sighed and rubbed her temples. "I think I'm getting a headache."

"Yeah well, its Sam's fault," grumbled Marissa.

"How do you figure that?" asked Sam. "You're the one dating Vetinari."

Marissa snorted. "Like you wouldn't, given half a chance."

"Hardly, I'm not into necrophilia. Besides, I'm not gay."

"That's not what it says in the toilets at school."

"—you total, total bastard!" shouted Vimes. "That's my daughter! You're old enough to be her grandfather!"

"I can't help who I'm attracted to, Vimes," said Vetinari calmly. "Just as I can't help the fact that Marissa feels the same way about me."

"Yeah, but you're old enough to know better! She's never even had a proper relationship, for gods' sake!"

Vetinari smirked slightly. "Oh, I can assure you that is no longer the case, Vimes."

"WHAT?"

"Oh, er…perhaps that was the wrong way to put things--"

Vimes got off the chair and began to walk towards him, his face flushed. "Are saying that you and Marissa have…" he struggled to get the words out, "…had sex?"

"Well, not yet but--"

"Not yet?"

Vetinari smiled at him apologetically. "I can be rather old-fashioned about these things, I'm afraid; Marissa was quite disappointed. But as I told her, there will be plenty of time for all that after the wedding."

"Wedding?" asked Vimes, his voice now dangerously calm. "You plan to marry her?"

"Of course." Vetinari chuckled slightly. "I am somewhat fond of her after all. And it wouldn't do to engage in a relationship with the girl without some form of commitment first."

"And if I say no?"

"You know as well as I do that it won't do any good, Vimes, Marissa can be such a stubborn girl. I wonder sometimes where she gets it from." Vetinari gave him a wide grin. "Besides it would give your family a certain something, wouldn't it, if you had the Patrician of Ankh-Morpork as a son-in-law?"

Vimes groaned. "Oh gods, this gets worse…"

"Anyway about that, Marissa and I were wondering: can I call you Dad?"

"—and then in the third cubicle it said that you serviced the entire alumni association," continued Marissa as Sam struggled to control his panic. "It says that's why you got the award for outstanding achievement in the fourth year."

"Marissa, stop teasing Sam."

"But it's true, Mum! Maybe not about the alumni's," Marissa conceded, "but it is about the graffiti; just ask Lily Downey, she's seen it too. So have lots of people." She grinned nastily. "So has Emma Ironfoundersson."

Sam's head shot up. "What? When? How?"

Marissa waved a hand dismissively. "Oh, it was when Lily tried to inhume Celia de Worde by tying her up and setting fire to Black Widow House because she found out Celia had been dating Stephen von Lipwig behind Lily's back and the Watch were called in to help sort out the rioting."

"Oh, I remember that," said Sam distantly. "I wondered why everyone kept running in the girl's toilets and coming out laughing."

"Now you know why."

"Bugger."

"If it's any help, she couldn't stop laughing. Especially when she saw the drawings of it all in the fifth cubicle."

"Sybil! Kids! Can you get back in here, now?"

With a heavy sigh Sam trudged back into the living room. As Marissa turned to follow him, Sybil grabbed her arm.

"Marissa, is what you said about that graffiti true?"

"Yeah."

Sybil nodded. "I want it gone by tomorrow night, Marissa. All of it."

"Aw, but Mum, some of those sketches were really hard to do--"

"Marissa…"

The girl sighed. "Yes Mum."

"Good girl." Sybil gave her daughter a hopeful smile. "Let's go and see what your father and Havelock have been talking about, shall we?"

As the two women re-entered the room Marissa gave her father a wary look before sitting back down next to Vetinari. He moved away slightly. "I don't think that's a very good idea, Marissa."

She gave him a surprised look. "Why not?"

"Your father doesn't approve of our relationship, my dear," replied Vetinari sadly. "He has banned me from seeing you."

"But you're the Patrician!"

"And he's your father. I must respect his wishes," Vetinari glared at Vimes momentarily, "even if I don't agree with them."

He stood up as Marissa burst into tears and Sybil ran over to comfort her. "I think I'd better be going, Vimes."

"I think you should." Vimes watched Vetinari leave the room before turning to his daughter. "It's for the best, Marissa--"

"How can you say that?" shrieked Marissa as tears poured down her face. "I love him and now you're sending him away without even giving me a chance to say goodbye!"

Sybil looked at her husband imploringly. "She's right, dear, we should at least give her and Havelock say goodbye to each other."

Vimes sighed. "Fine. But we'll be watching from the window, so no funny business."

"Thank you, Daddy!"

As Marissa ran from the room Sybil looked after her sadly. "I guess she really did love him after all."

"Havelock, wait!"

Vetinari raised an eyebrow as Marissa came running out of the house towards the coach. "Vimes has changed his mind, I take it?"

"No. But he did say that I could say goodbye to you before you left," said Marissa slightly breathlessly.

"Ah. He's still angry then."

"Absolutely furious."

They both grinned.

"You were brilliant."

"Me? I was just trying to keep up with you, my dear; you played the part of a love-struck young woman perfectly."

"Thanks. And you were excellent as the slightly creepy older boyfriend. You've really freaked my dad out."

"Capital." Vetinari glanced behind her at the window, where Vimes had his face pressed up against the glass and was waving a crossbow menacingly. "You think you've achieved your aim, then?

"Absolutely." Marissa giggled slightly. "If he kicks up a fuss about me dating Robby again then I'll just say that I'm still in love with you and it should shut him right up."

"I'm glad to hear it. So what will you do now?"

"Oh, I've got it all planned; I'm going to watch the carriage leave with a really sad look on my face, go inside and burst into tears, refuse to come out of my room for two days and not speak to anyone for the rest of the week. That should do it."

Vetinari smiled. "You've proven yourself a master manipulator, my dear, and a prize student too. You're obviously no longer in need of my tutelage."

"So I've passed?"

"With flying colours. I shall inform your Political Expediency tutor at the Guild immediately."