It's amazing how many things you can pick up on when people think you're dumber than toast. It's also really amazing that no one has figured out I'm in fact a rather smart person. It's really not my fault that I'm a quiet person, I don't like talking much and I rather like keeping to myself. And of course watching those things people do around me because they assume that I'm dumber than toast, when in fact I am not.

Did you know Pansy Parkinson is turned on by toes? She said so herself when she thought no one was listening, because of course it is a well known fact, that I am dumber that toast, so I do not count as a person.

Hermione Granger finds herself wondering in the middle of empty corridors what it would be like to have one of the giant squids huge tentacles shoved up her tight pussy. I of course know this because around me, people don't mind their mouths, because it is a well known fact, that I am dumber than toast.

Seamus Finnegan wants to be a girl. He sings about it out by the lake in the middle of the night. His song goes something like this, 'I want a pussy, oh yes I want a pussy! And maybe some gorgeous tities too! Oh how I wish I were a girl!' Can you imagine him singing that if anyone besides me were sitting only yards away from him? Of course not! Because it is a well known fact, that I am dumber than toast.

Draco Malfoy wanked off in the middle of the common room when Hermione Granger slapped him in third year. I suppose he only did it because I was the only one there and he figured I was too stupid to realize what the bloody hell he was doing, because it is a well known fact, I am dumber than toast.

Headmaster Dumbledore's favorite color is black. I only know this because he told Professor Snape this when I had a detention with him and so as I do not count as a person and even the Headmaster thinks so he did not mind that I was there in the room too, because it is a well known fact, that I am dumber than toast.

The reason Justin Finch-Flechly walks around like he has a stick up is arse is because he loves feeling full so he uses plugs in his arse which indeed makes him walk funny. I told him so myself and he in fact told me why, because it is a well known fact, that I am dumber than toast.

Luna Lovegood is a great little cock sucker. She said so herself, although she said that Professor Snape told her so when she sucked him dry during her more frequent detentions. I suppose she only told this to the empty library because one, I was sitting in a dark corner, and two, it is a well known fact, that I am dumber than toast.

Padma Patil fingers herself during History of Magic when I sit right across from her. She mutters things to herself, things like, 'Come on Professor Binns, watch my fingers go in and out my juicy pussy.' She doesn't mind that I sit across from her because well, it is a well known fact, that I am dumber than toast.

Ronald Weasley writes. He writes poetry, songs, short-stories, anything. The main thing is that Ronald Weasley writes. He once wrote a poem on the wall of the second floor bathroom, of course everyone talked about it, but in the end all was lost, no one could figure who had wrote those empowering words on the wall. For the rest of the year everyone quoted them and left one Ronald Weasley feeling very smug with himself, he thought no one knew it was him. But I did. One day, when I was feeling tired of the talk I went right down to the bathroom and checked it out. After staring at the wall for almost two class blocks I knew, I knew it was Ronald who had written it, but of course no one would believe me so I kept me mouth shut, because it is a well known fact, that I am dumber than toast.

Blaise Zabini and Harry Potter are fuck buddies. He shag each other in empty charms classrooms when they're supposed to patrol with each other. The nest day they each wear that 'I've-just-had-the-best-shag-of-my-life' smirk. I suppose I'm the only one who picks up on these things because people don't mind themselves around me, because it is a well known fact, that I am dumber than toast.

Oh the things I hear and the things I know when everybody thinks I'm dumber than toast. Maybe you should try being dumber than toast.

Suddenly I was brought out of my thinking but 'The-Boy-Who-Wanked' "Are you okay? You haven't even touched your food Greg." He said to me.

So there you have it the first chapter of, The Life of Gregory Goyle, When People Think you're Dumber than Toast, by Gregory Goyle.

Author's note: Did you guys like it? Review if you did so I know if I should make a chapter two in Greg's book. Review please!