Harry Potter and the Goblet of Firewhiskey by Spots and Stripes
This is our rendition of Harry Potter and The Goblet of Fire by JK Rowling. We own nothing and we're not making any profit from this, apart from your wonderful comments. Hint, hint. We hope that you find this entertaining, as we have spent so much time perfecting it to perfection.
Bean bag idea came from Procrastinator-starting2moro from we strongly recommend that you read her work because it is highly amusing. We may have used a few of her ideas, and we will credit them in due course.
Chapter One:
One dark, morbidly looking night, in a dark, morbidly looking village, there was an old and dark, morbidly looking house in which two dark and morbidly looking people were arguing over very dark and morbidly sounding topics. Dark and morbid.
"Wormy worm worm! Come hither! You have continuously and consistently failed to adhere to my strict, straight forward and… er," Voldemort paused in thought, "provide me with an alternate word commencing with the letter of 's', Wormy!"
Wormtail quivered as his master spoke.
"S-s-seasonable?" Wormtail suggested.
"Yes. That will do. My strict, straight forward and seasonable instructions on the correct procedure on the creation of hot cocoa. Your self-control is abominable. I simply do no understand," Lord Voldemort stated from his bean bag of unfathomable doom (A/N: see above).
Wormtail could only stand, petrified, at his master's superiority. After all, he was on the bean bag of unfathomable doom.
Voldie took his silence as an opportunity to berate him further on the 'Perils of incompetent cocoa making'.
After a highly complicated and confusing speech, all Wormtail had understood was the final command of "bring me a gin and tonic!".
Without a word, Wormtail went downstairs to fetch his master's beverage.
Whilst he was downstairs, he observed a stranger lurking in the dark, morbidly looking corner. The pale light of the lantern only illuminated a small, shiny statue of Katie Holmes' head which topped a pimp cane (yes, a pimp cane) and his glistening teeth, complimented with his dark and morbidly shifty looking eyes. Wormtail, being an optimist to the point of sheer stupidity, made nothing of this and passed it off as another feature of the undeniably spooky house. He finished fixing the beverage and made his way back upstairs to tend to his master.
After busying about after his master's request, Wormtail turned to leave and noticed that the 'feature' of the house had followed him.
"Hi, I'm looking for a Lord Voldemort? Is he in?" the feature asked in a very American accent.
"Yes, I am he. How may I offer you assistance?" Voldemort said with a polite, yet menacingly evil tone.
Wormtail suddenly made a violently high pitched "SQUEEEEE!", which shattered the window he was standing next to, allowing an influx of rain to flood one corner of the room.
Voldemort and the feature whipped their heads around, cocking and quirking one eyebrow respectively, in identical expressions that could give Zoolander's 'Blue Steel' a run for its money.
Wormtail finally spoke.
"I know you."
"Yes, I was rather hoping you would. I'm Tom Cruise. You may know me from such films as Mission Impossible, one, two and three, Top Gun, Rain Man and War of the Worlds."
"Oh!" exclaimed Voldemort, "You're from my favourite film Risky Business. I just love that old time Rock 'n' roll."
"Yah."
"Come hither, I like you. I shall now recount the tale of my latest slaughter," Voldemort beckoned.
Voldemort told his tale with increasing delight whilst his eyes sparked with a murderous glint.
"…and then I was like, Avada Kedavra, and then he was like dead."
He finished, without his usual sense of propriety. Suddenly, Barty Crouch Junior burst into the room covered in blood and dirt. If we daresay, he did come across as dark and morbid, yet this didn't conceal his handsome, windswept features. (Because, as we all know, everyone in Harry Potter is handsome and windswept. Everyone.).
"Barty Junior, my main male! How are we on this illustrious eve?" Voldemort greeted Barty.
"Quite fine indeed, my master. I have very important news on our latest attack. What's with the bean bag?"
"This, I will have you know, is my bean bag of unfathomable doom – you may not treat it with such distaste," Voldemort said in an offended tone. "Yes, yes the attack - " he waved his arm dismissively as he remembered what Barty had actually said before insulting him so, "- Enough time for that later. You must meet our latest affiliate."
Tom Cruise did a classic movie-star smile: cheesy, seedy and smug – all in one!
Barty pointed to him in disbelief. "You're Tom Cruise!" he gasped.
"Yes I am!" Tom said turning up collar out and puffing his chest with cocky superiority.
"Enough! We need to refocus!" announced Voldemort (this seemed odd to the others, as they hadn't really said or done much at all…but you know, this is Lord Voldemort we're talking about here). Without further ado, he closed his eyes, threw his hands above his head, then clapped them together in a prayer position, bringing them down slowly until they were level with his chest.
Wormtail, Barty and Tom looked at each other confusedly. After losing the "You ask him!" eye-battle, Wormtail spoke.
"Er, m-master? Uh – what exactly are you doing?"
"Wormy, you insolent fool. I am refocusing, so I can plot in the correct frame of mind."
Voldemort closed his eyes, his features openly displaying his frustration. After a short while an expression of deep contentment came over his snake-like visage. Suddenly he snapped his eyes open.
"We need to formulate and visualise our new plan. Suggestions anyone? We need to collaborate on this imperative affair."
"We could use Tom in this - " Barty suggested, but was cut off by Voldemort's mad expression of disgust.
"Don't. Call. Him. Tom. There are too many tom's in this world." each word Voldemort spoke was accompanied by a sharp jab in Barty's chest.
"Oh. Well, Mr Cruise then," Barty continued, "should be a part of this. After all, he is a movie star and this could generate some good publicity for our Death Eaters! This might mean we make television this year!"
Wormtail squealed with excitement.
After a short pause, and much chin stroking on Voldemort's part, he finally spoke.
"Yes. I concur. Mr Cruise is indeed in my favourite film The Terminator."
Tom Cruise shifted his eyes from left to right.
"Er, well, as it happens…. I wasn't exactly… in.. that movie," as he spoke fear increased in his voice.
Voldemort gasped. Gasp
"Well in that case, I'll have to annihilate you," Voldemort said using the same tone he might have used if he'd asked Wormtail to put on a cup of tea.
"Why in the Dark Lord's name are you here anyways?" Barty enquired of Tom.
"Oh, I'm resident gatekeeper… the other dude's on holidays in the Bahamas."
"Sweet, I've always wanted to go there!" Barty said excitedly. "Can we go for a holiday master?"
"We can discuss such frivolous matters later. Right now I'm in the mood for some eradication-extermination!"
Voldemort whipped out his wand.
"Avada Kedavra."
There was a flash of blinding green light as Tom Cruise was flung backwards out the window, off the cliffs and into the raging ocean.
"Since when was this house on a cliff?" Barty Junior asked, rather confused, as he'd last recalled it being in a small town..
The dream dissolved into a freshly painted off-white ceiling.
Harry stared blankly at the ceiling. Normally by now he'd be in indescribable pain from his scar.
A couple of seconds later it hit him and he fell onto the hard floor, curled up defensively and began shrieking like a girl.
It was then that Uncle Vernon decided to open the door and shout a vicious "SHUT YOUR FACE BOY!" before slamming it rather brutally whilst Harry whimpered weakly in the corner.
Harry's current state of pain reminded him vaguely of the time when a bludger had connected rather harmfully with his nether regions. Damn that had hurt.
A/N: Hello! We hope that you have all enjoyed our very first chapter
of what should be a rather long (we think) Goblet of Fire Parody.
We will try to make the next chapter significantly longer. :o) Please review, critique until your heart is content!