A/N: This is one of my darker sides of humanity represented in this story…it does happen, and I was thinking that Tifa, with all of her past baggage, would eventually break. Here's my interpretation of how that would happen…tell me if you agree/disagree, like/dislike, whatever…feedback is always welcomed and appreciated; now more than ever since this is my first 'dark' fic. Disclaimer: I don't own FFVII or any of its characters…yet (winks)

On a side note: this fic was not intended to be confusing but looking back at it, it could be since it tends to jump around. I'll try to help you out when needed so you can follow the storyline as much as possible.

"Sharp Numbness"

By MakoRain

Chapter One: The Start

Now

Tifa Lockheart looked at her face in the mirror and did not like anything she saw. Frown lines were creasing her mouth, the lack of sleep was catching up to her in the forms of bags under her eyes, and she was so pale to the point of translucence. With a sigh she opened the medicine cabinet, pulling out a bottle of Vicadine; it was her favorite as of yet from her previous pill popping episodes, so smooth and rich when in full effect.

She needed this to numb herself from the world that she no longer cared to live in. A gulp of vodka helped the medication go down with a kick and she shivered, not completely used to the potent combination but wanting to give it a go nonetheless. Just another start to another seemingly endless day…one of the few she had left.

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She had started with cutting; it had started with an accident, really….one small cut broke through.

Then

Tifa stood behind the counter at Seventh Heaven putting freshly washed mugs back in their place on a shelf when she carelessly knocked her hand into one glass in her rush and sent it crashing to the countertop, shards exploding every where.

Tifa closed her eyes in expectance of the sudden impact and opened them again to see the mini scattering of glass all over. Quickly she brushed it aside and pricked her finger, just one prick but it made her stop in her tracks and looked at the sliver, so small and fragile. It looked so innocent and pure, even with the blood welling into the wound, caressing the piece's place in her fingertip. Tifa watched slightly in awe at the moment before pulling the glass out and tossing it in the trash with the rest of the broken pieces.

That had been an accident…but the next time was questionable. After getting a taste, one would wonder if Tifa innocently nicked her wrists or if she consciously or ever subconsciously caused the action to occur. She told herself it was an accident, she didn't mean to hurt herself on purpose…lying to yourself never makes the problem go away, just hides it for a time.

Tifa was chopping vegetables with a decent size kitchen knife for a vegetable stew when she thought she heard a noise and turned abruptly. A bite of metal into flesh told her something was not right and she watched as a razor thin line of blood blossomed on her arm. The pain faded quickly and she watched, fascinated with the crimson against the paleness of her skin. Testing a thought, she carefully drew the blade across a fresh piece of skin, emitting a gasp of pain before watching the blood well up. Satisfied, Tifa turned back to making another lonely dinner for herself.

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In between then and now

One by one her friends started to disappear, spreading throughout the surrounding territories in the Planet. Now the only ones remaining in Midgar were herself and Cloud after Barret decided to take both Marlene and Denzel to live with him; those two were inseparable. How could she refuse? Barret was Marlene's foster father after all; they were the only family either had left in this world.

But life without the children had become harder and harder…especially without Cloud. Oh, he'd been there for the kids on a daily basis but never stayed over, always returning to his precious church. At last Tifa'd had enough; she needed to know something and for once she would speak her mind.

"Cloud, why do you go there? Why don't you stay here with the kids?"

After receiving silence she had turned her back to him and sighed. "With me?"

If he had heard her he never let on, instead intent on her question.

"I just need some time, Teef."

Her heart sank to hear those words. "Time."

Surprisingly he had hugged her before leaving, his face in her hair as his arms wrapped around her waist from behind. In a glimpse the moment was gone and she leaned into him before he could let it go and end it all as he always did. And he always left her with less of herself.

So with no friends, no children, no Cloud, what did that make Tifa? Lonely first of all but she was strong willed and kept her business up and running. Seventh Heaven grew in profits while Strife Delivery Service died in the water with Tifa no longer taking care of it and Cloud never reclaiming the responsibility.

She put everything she had into her work, helping customers, serving drinks, listening to drunks…that was her life. But what kind of life is that, really? Tifa pondered over this and the more she thought about life, the more memories of what she had lost in her mere existence crept in, eating away at her hope and faith that it would all work out in the end until she needed it to stop, she had to make it stop.

After the weak liquor of a couple drinks failed to cloud her mind, she'd turned to her wrists. Taking a box cutter from Cloud's office (since he wasn't using it) Tifa went to her room and sat on the windowsill, playing with the tool in her hand. She clicked the mechanism until its blade extended to a desirable length and watched the sun's last rays glint on the metal's sharp point. Carefully, she drew the blade across her skin, a hiss of pain escaping her lips; she was not used to this yet. Pulling back she observed her work and watched the blood coagulate on the fresh wound, eyes wandering to her other marks of before. Two ivory white thin lines could be seen from her "accident" with the kitchen knife and she smiled before going back to work on her skin, a clean canvas just waiting to be decorated.

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Later then

At first it was just a heart here and a star there, trailing beams across her wrist until it grew into swirls wrapping around and around, taking hold of her skin. Soon her pale canvas was adorned with delicate ivy, blooming roses, raindrops, moons, intricate symbols, anything and everything she could imagine. Tifa had to pace herself after learning the hard way about blood loss catching up to her when she fainted the first couple of times from over excitement and exertion. . She had learned her lesson and did only one section at a time to keep that from happening again.

All of this was to feel, but Tifa got to the point of not caring. It was the last mark she made on her body…a small wolf done right where she could see the veins meet on the underside of her wrist. She had saved this spot for something special and one day it came to her. Sun sparkling off of her ring that lay on the desk, she began to work the wolf's form, shaping his intelligent eyes, adding the fur, setting the mouth. On instinct, she inscribed underneath C.S., barely visible if you didn't know where to look.

Suddenly, all of the memories caught up with her; she had been trying so hard to block out those of Cloud that now they smothered her, released full force onto her unwilling mind. She needed it to stop and with each cut its pain overtook until she was oversensitive to everything: sounds, light, touch…and she just wanted it all to go away. No more feeling, just an empty numbness was what she craved; living in a bar made this easily done.

Perfecting her screwdrivers had been an accomplishment with each drink in the morning….and then those that soon followed in the afternoons and evenings. Each swallow of liquor burned at first and almost made her stop trying; she wanted to feel nothing especially not this burning of fire down her throat. Soon enough it did the trick and with each drink a comforting numbness wrapped her in its clouded embrace. The pills soon after helped distort it all to a great degree, easing her mind to a point that functioning was not an option so she would close Seventh Heaven for the high times. Some people complained but not enough to change her mind and so business slowed considerably but Tifa didn't care, as long as she couldn't feel then it didn't exist. Nothing, this store, this town and the people in it, her body, her life, mattered anymore and that's when she decided, if it didn't matter, than why try going on?

Now

A steady rain fell outside of Seventh Heaven and inside Tifa Lockheart was nursing the latest of her many gin and tonics, watching the rain bead down the glass of the main window. Tifa looked at her latest and last work of art on her arm and smiled sadly…it was her leaving note from this world. Into the rainfall, end it all.

She moved behind the bar to retrieve her variety of pills, deciding which one to take. Screw it, she took some of each and downed them with the liquor, mixing in a nice disorienting numbness around the room. She had always wanted to die when it was raining, maybe to make her feel like at least the sky was mourning her death; she just knew that it was raining today…and today was as good as any. As her vision blurred and the ground rushed to meet her, Tifa thought she saw something but maybe it was just the drugs making her delusional. It didn't matter anyway; she would never wake up to find out.