giving in Chapter 2: carrot, a discworld fanfic

Two viewpoints

Disclaimer: If you've read my previous chapter, you would know that none of this belongs to me. If you didn't, read it now. The song is 'caught in the middle' by a1, and doesn't belong to me either.

Also, thank you so, so much, squibby and Dishrag-chan!! Everyone, read the fics of Squibakou and N.James the diehard dishrag. They are my Betas. I am shamelessly advertising their fics. Plus, Squibbys Furubafic 'Kyo's bane' is pure genius, and just wait for N.James to download her multiple Furubafics. They rock! She's just trying to get them perfect! Hold on!

Carrot will be written like this,

Caught in the middle will be written like this.

Carrot

You said that love was just a state of mind,
A puzzle made of pieces you can't find,
But for me you never really had the time,
I was blind ohhh.

Carrot wondered, not for the first time, if Angua had gotten herself a decent boyfriend yet. One who didn't constantly make her angry. One who understood her, and could be there when life got too hard to bear. He knew she felt bad about them breaking up, but surely she'd get over it?

After all, she'd said that he should go. She'd been quite definite about that.

And everything that you meant to me,
Is written in the pages of my history,
But it's over now as far as I can see,
Suddenly...

Carrot'd not had the most brilliant time since he'd walked out on Angua. He had been the one to cause her distress, and the guilt gnawed away at his core. Sally was paying so much less time with him, now that she had his attention. Was it all just a game to her? They stayed in the same room, but she so often disappeared for nights in a row, leaving him alone, empty. It wasn't that he didn't trust her, it just hurt that she found him to be such dull company. And as soon as he lay down in his bed, with no body there beside him, the guilt would come again. Men can sleep through the worst of suffering, but if the suffering is self inflicted, it follows them into sleep, taking over dreams and turning them into nightmares. His worst fear was that this was Forever. A glimpse of eternity, when time cannot be trusted and the world seems to have slowed down during the night for the visions to torture him, yet speeds up during the day, leaving him blinking and confused. He just wanted things to be back to normal again, and he knew that, whatever happened, this would be impossible. He couldn't go back. Never.

Things are so different now you're gone
I thought it would be easy I was wrong
(and now I'm caught)
And now I'm caught in the middle
(caught in the middle)
Even though I'm with someone new
All I can think about is you
(and now I'm caught)
And now I'm caught in the middle.
(Caught in the middle)

Carrot was becoming concerned. You couldn't see it to look at him, but he had been watching Angua out of the corner of his ey,e and he didn't like seeing her so out of condition. In human form it wasn't so noticeable, just bags under her eyes, but in her canine form it was obvious; she hadn't been groomed for weeks, her ribs were showing, and her eyes were red-rimmed from lack of sleep, and Carrot would have whisked her off and forbidden her to come in to work until she'd eaten and slept it off if it weren't for two things. Firstly, he was not sure if she would take offence at the implication that she couldn't take care of herself (he didn't want to hurt her feelings worse than they had already been hurt, and he didn't want to tussle with a werewolf again, even a weak one) and secondly, she had told him to go. He couldn't just waltz back into her room and hope that all would be forgiven. Even he was not so stupidly optimistic.

And even though she brings me brighter days,
The thoughts of you are in my mind always,
Like a memory that I can't erase,
It's here to stay.

Sally had not appeared in their room for three nights running. Carrot had tried to subtly enquire as to where she'd been, but her answers had been quite blunt and uninformative. It hurt, a dull and persistent ache, to know that she didn't trust him. If it were Angua, he would just ask straight out and hope his throat was still intact five minutes in the future, but Sally would probably just not answer, and that made him feel awful, as if, because he couldn't help, it was his fault she was miserable.

Yet again, Carrot wished he could lie. Even he could see he was trying to fool himself. He missed Angua. And that was the truth.

It was two months since the break-up, and Carrot had accidentally walked into Angua at the Watchhouse. She had turned around quickly and walked away in the other direction, but what he saw of her frightened him. It was in the very movements she made. She was sharper, in movements, face, and bones. She was fiercer, slightly crouched as if to spring, eyes alight in a challenge aimed at whosoever was stupid enough to meet her gaze. Her skin was glowing again, if you ignored the scratches on her cheeks, which surely weren't from a particularly vicious piece of paperwork. Her hair was so much thicker than before, wilder and much more dramatic. It could almost be called a mane, without much exaggeration. If Carrot hadn't seen such hair before, he would be comforted by its apparent health.

As it was, it said more about her transformation than any of the other symptoms together. For he'd seen it before.

On Wolfgang.

He just hoped he was wrong. She had more control than that, surely?

So different
So different
So easy
So so easy
But I can't get over you
Can't get over you
So different
So different
So easy
So easy
But I can't get over you
Can't get over you no babe!

Carrot had decided. He was not at home in his own room anymore, since Sally had moved in. It was time for her to get a room of her own.

It wasn't as hard as he'd feared it might be. She just agreed at once. They would see if they could find a room for her somewhere in the city. She asked for his help with this, as a last favour.

It used to be like this, he mused as they browsed the streets. First Angua, proceeding calmly beside him as he showed her the city he loved so much. He had felt so proud then. She was strong, proud, golden hair glowing through the murky fog, and she was walking at Carrot's side. He didn't foresee any troubles in their future. Then he found out that she was a werewolf, and she walked beside him once more, and the warm feeling in his chest suffused his entire being. He thought the joy would last forever. He even, somewhat bashfully, imagined a litter of little werewolves in the future.

Then Sally had joined them on their walks. Carrot had been glad to show her the city. She had seemed so interested! Angua had started becoming defensive and snappy, so Carrot had tried to include her in the conversations as much as he could. Sally would then make a subtle 'dog' comment and Angua would spit back a 'bloodsucker' comment. Then, after the break-up, Carrot was left with Sally every patrol, every day, and he came to a conclusion. She was so annoying! She would chatter on and on and on, until Carrot craved silence like an alcoholic craved Bearhuggers finest. His head ached all day, leaving him to a night fraught with fits and nightmares. However, he never commented. He had walked out on Angua, so he couldn't go back. Things would never be the same. His golden wolf would never grace his side again. If she was still herself at all anymore…

Sally, seeing he had stopped to think, pulled lightly on his sleeve to bring him back to the present. He was glad. Some thoughts just shouldn't be thought.

How had it all gone so wrong?

Things are so different now you're gone
I thought it would be easy I was wrong
(and now I'm caught)
And now I'm caught in the middle

The next time he went patrolling, he had only one thing in mind. Find Gaspode. He'd know how Angua was. He could tell Carrot to stop worrying, and Carrot would believe him, on his honour as the filthiest beggar-dog in Ankh-Morpork.

Three days later, he finally found the mutt, after following a tip from one of the mongrels' regular food suppliers. Gaspode was curled up in a puddle of misery, down an alley in the shades. Carrot wondered why he hadn't been eaten yet. Probably smelled too bad. Maybe.

If Carrot was glad to see Gaspode, Gaspode appeared to feel the exact opposite. He just whimpered and twitched his bald tail around his equally bald back. At first Carrot thought that he had found the wrong dog, but as he listened, he heard words hidden amongst the whimpering.

"Not dog…can't return…thought … should have been… no human… couldn't understand words…too wild…"

And with a sinking feeling in his stomach, like a heavy brick tearing away at his insides, Carrot knew.

(caught in the middle)
Even though I'm with someone new
All I can think about is you

For Carrot, things moved rather quickly after that. His thoughts were fragmented, twisting out of his control into an ever deepening spiral. He hardly noticed his feet leading him all the way back through the streets. They knew where they were going, anyway. He had more pressing matters on his mind.

How had she lost control? She had been doing so well when they were together. She might have been upset about their break-up, true, but enough to give up the very things he'd loved about her!? How much pain had she suffered? Did she feel any guilt, or was she consumed in so much pain it didn't matter anyway? Was there anything else he had done to cause her additional grief?

(and now I'm caught)
And now I'm caught in the middle.
(Caught in the middle)

She was betrayed. Betrayed by someone who only wanted the best for her. Betrayed by the one person who kept her grounded, and who didn't realise how important he was, and who left her alone with the bloodlust and hate and pain. Oh god.

And it was true. She hadn't trusted in anyone before him, and he had abandoned her trust for what he thought she wanted. He had forgotten how she would come in - pale, shaking and in tears – after coming that bit too close to ripping out the throat of some hapless petty thief. He had chosen not to remember comforting her at these times, and the look of strained tear-streaked triumph after she remembered she had resisted again. He had blanked out the recollection of the one he loved in her hours of direst need, held as a bond of faith between them, faith that he'd keep her struggle secret to the grave. She needed someone to share her anguish, to help her achieve humanity by triumphing over the wolf, and to be her pack in this lonely city with familiar people watching everywhere.

Carrot was so preoccupied with his thoughts - thoughts that painted the world with swirling fire, red, yellow and black, illuminating nothing but destruction and shadows – that he only noticed his destination after his feet had stopped walking. She had been here before, according to Gaspode, after he had witlessly betrayed her the first time. And that was what he was. Witless. And now he would face the price he had to pay.

This was it.

Things are so different now you're gone
I thought it would be easy I was wrong
(and now I'm caught)
And now I'm caught in the middle
(caught in the middle)

As if in a dream, Carrot felt his feet lead him down the darkened alley. He would have had trouble seeing in the gloom, so in this case it was a good thing that she was blonde. She stood out like a second sun, reflecting the moonlight, ever present still whilst the others slept.

Hesitant, he took a few steps in her direction. Maybe it wasn't her, after all. It could just be a very, very blonde dog. Maybe it was an alchemic accident…Maybe it was…

The wolf growled. It had to be a wolf. It was in the lines of the slowly uncurling body, the shape of the twitching ears, the rising ferocity of the vibrations, more felt than heard. Not a dog. But how could this thing be…

'Angua?' The head jerked up with a faintly audible snap. So much for hopes. But there was still a chance. She recognised her name, after all.

'Angua? It's me, Carrot. I've come to get you. I've come to take you home.'

Even though I'm with someone new
All I can think about is you
(and now I'm caught)
And now I'm caught in the middle.
(Caught in the middle)

Angua

Sound! Not fighting, but not submissive. Must make certain. What is it? Test it! Fight!

Angua snarled ferociously, a challenge, but did not move. If it was prey, it would run. If not, it would attack. And she would kill it.

But still, something about the smell…

Carrot

Carrot stepped forwards, encouraged by the fact that his throat was apparently intact. Had she really recognised him?

"Angua? Is that you? Can you hear me? If you can hear me, change back! Please!" Not that there was much hope. If she'd heard him already, why was she still a wolf?

Angua raised her muzzle and whimpered, inhaling the smell that touched her inside. Why? It was a human smell! Why couldn't she think? Why did she want to forget? What did she want to remember? Thoughts were human! Remember it! No, stop thinking! Forget!

Carrot put his trust in the gods at that moment. He stepped forwards, and, slowly, so as not to startle her, he put his hand in front of her nose. Would she change to take it, or even recognise the smell?

Smell! Close! Kill! No! Protect this one! He is PACK!

Then, from, deep inside her chest cavity, an answer came to her arguments. Not a thought. A conviction of being. The understanding of the beast within.

He is not pack. Never pack. You know it. Get rid of him.

In a swift motion, she snapped her jaws at the limb in front of her. If he was pack, he should be able to avoid it.

Carrot looked down at the blood trickling down his left wrist. His head was swimming with pain and shock. At last, he looked towards the waiting beast.

"Angua… I'm not left handed."

He raised his right hand, sword clenched tightly in it, as if, if he loosened up, he would lose his grip forever.

Angua looked up into his eyes.

Those eyes…

The sword kissed the nape of her neck. She didn't move. Instead, she fixed her eyes on his. Her human eyes.

At last, as the sword sliced through her, she found the words inside her. Her last thoughts.

'I'm not left handed either. Goodbye… Carrot.'

The eyes closed.

Carrot looked at the body of the one he loved. The words 'goodbye, Angua', crossed his mind, but he dismissed them. Whoever that had been, it was not Angua. Not anymore.

Even with those eyes…

Leaving the corpse lying there like a sick parody of a faithful hound, sleeping in the warmth of a log fire, he walked away, into the future. Leaving her there… Lying.

He never talked much about it to his fellow officers. He never talked much at all. They could all guess what had happened, anyway.

A few days after the incident, he decided to walk Sally home, for old time's sake.

She simply turned to him and snarled. The gesture was so reminiscent of Angua that he said nothing as she stalked away from him as if he had a disease.

He confronted her about it the next time he saw her.

"Why should I talk to you? You're so… Watchman!"

Carrot was perplexed by this. "What do you mean? I'm a dwarf! Look, you've just had a bad day on the streets. Look, I'll treat you to a drink a Biers, but then we need to tal-"

"No! You can't go back to Biers. Not now. Go to the Mended Drum with the others."

"But I've always gone to Biers. What's different now?"

"You went as Anguas' pack. Not as a human. Angua has no need of pack anymore."

"What if I went as a dwarf? I've seen a few of them there!" He protested desperately.

"How long is it since you last sketched a mine, or wrote to your dear mother? You've been a Watchman for a long time, you just couldn't see it."

"But I…does that mean I'm human?"

"No. If you want humanity you have to earn it. All that's changed is that you have cut the ties to your past. You have to build a future for yourself. And it won't be easy. Ask Vimes, or any other long term Watchman. You might want to be king. I hear many humans would be glad of it. Might even make you one of them. Or stick as a Satchman. Whatever you do, remember the effort it took Angua to become human in their eyes. And it wasn't enough for her. Remember that!"

A few days on, two dwarfs received a package containing two years pay, and a note. It said only this.

'Goode,bye.'

Life went on.

Twenty years or so in the future, Ankh-Morpork had a king. A young lad of sixteen or so. His father was a Watchman. His mother was a kind lady from the teacher's guild, soft and warm, but with a strict core underneath it all. No-one ever saw the father.

As for Angua, it wasn't surprising that no-one ever heard of her again. As for how she felt about what happened, Carrot would never know. He only hoped that she could work out what she was. Whatever afterworld she was in, it would be Hell if she was

caught in the middle

for eternity.

"... wolves look to the future. They don't try to remember things."
"They're lucky," – The Fifth Elephant.

Authors notes: Phew! It's finished. Maybe the ghost of Angua will stop possessing me now!

In case you didn't get it, Angua knew what she was doing. She didn't bite the wrong hand. The human side of her knew the difference, but didn't want to hurt him that badly. She knew she was out of control, and wanted him to carry out his promise. The wolf side of her wouldn't care, as long as he was hurt. That was her way out.

This fic is well and truly finished!

Thank you Mad Possum and RedEyesDarknessDragonLady. Your reviews spurred me on, when I would have lain dormant in my attempts at writing indefinitely!