Who here wants to know exactly what happened in those seven years Link was asleep for? Well you've come to the wrong place. However, if you want a twisted, screwed up and just plain hilarious explanation, then you're not lost.

Reader: Oh. So I wasn't reading the map wrong.

Cir: Nope. And now to present the Twisted Seven Years!

Link pulled up the Master Sword, but smacked himself in the face with the hilt, knocking him into a coma for a few years.

"That was the stupidest thing I've ever seen in my entire life," Ganondorf, who was watching from the window, said. "I'm not even going to try and talk to him."

Rauru suddenly appeared from no where. "That wasn't supposed to happen," he muttered.

"Who the hell are you?" Ganondorf asked rudely.

"I'm Rauru, a sage," Rauru replied, no even afraid that he was talking to the one who wanted Link dead. "Now I have to bring this guy through that door to the temple of light," Rauru added, pointing at a door Ganondorf wouldn't have noticed.

Ganondorf thought for a minute. "Does the temple of light lead to the Triforce?" he asked.

"Yes it does," Rauru said, taking out a map and giving it to Ganondorf. "This will show anyone exactly how to get to it."

Ganondorf ran passed him and through the door.

"I really have to stop being so trusting in people," Rauru muttered under his breath.

Ganondorf looked at the first instruction. "Stand on the Triforce mark on the floor," he read. "Predictable enough." He stood on it. "Hold onto something. What's that supposed to- YYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGHHHH!" Ganondorf was falling through some clouds down into seemingly nothingness. "Step on the ledge beside the Triforce," he read. Ganondorf eventually saw the Triforce below him, and landed on the ledge beside it.

"It's all mine!" the Gerudo laughed. He was so busy laughed that he accidentally nudged the Triforce which fell, Ganondorf stopped laughing and watched it's decent, and then it smashed into the three triangles when it hit the ground.

Ganondorf was silent for a second. "SAGE GUY!" he yelled. "I THINK I BROKE THE TRIFORCE!"

Rauru materialized beside him with a towel around his waist, a shower cap and a back scrubber. He looked down. "Yep, you broke it," he said. "But since you broke it, you can choose one piece to keep. There's wisdom, courage and power."

"Courage seems to sound good…" the Gerudo king muttered.

"Courage is reserved."

"Fine, I'll take Wisdom."

"Wisdom is also reserved."

"Then why'd you ask?" Ganondorf practically yelled.

"I wanted to see what you'd want," Rauru shrugged.

"I guess I'll take Power."

"Power's reserved as well."

"I THOUGHT I WAS SUPPOSED TO GET ONE!"

"Yeah, you get Power."

Ganondorf looked at him like he was a Keese with six heads. "I thought it was reserved," he said.

"Yeah, it's reserved for you," Rauru explained.

Ganondorf yelled out in frustration. "Then why didn't you say so?"

Rauru shrugged. "I guess I just remembered."

A Triforce symbol appeared on the back of Ganondorf's hand, with the top triangle filled in. "Is there any possible way to get the full Triforce?" he asked.

"If you can get all the pieces from the other two holders."

"So who're the holders?"

"That's classified information." Ganondorf sighed and exited the Sacred Realm into Hyrule.

He took out a horn. "Attention forces!" he yelled into it, and it became really loud nearly everyone in Hyrule heard it. "Now is the time to bombard castle town. Just remember how we practiced and it shouldn't be that hard."

The Moblin leader turned to the other Moblins. "You heard him, attack!" All the Moblins charged as castle town, but one in the front tripped and all the others fell on top. The Gerudos all charged too, but their combined weight broke the bridge. Some ReDeads went for castle town, but the sun froze them all.

Ganondorf shook his head. "I'll do it myself," he muttered before walking into the market. The first thing he did was blow up a random store. Ganondorf sung this in "The Night Santa Went Crazy" tune while he shot at everyone:

"Down in castle town, all the people are shopping,

Trying to buy stuff, trying to buy a wig.

Then Ganondorf burst in, with a Triforce on his hand,

And a ReDead zapping spell, inside a gland.

From the castle to the gates,

ReDeads rose up.

Trying to find a meal,

Choking on a plastic cup.

He grinned as he said, with a gleam in his eye:

'I'm singing a song, so prepare to die!'"

Within twenty minutes, Ganondorf has incinerated to town, leaving a few ReDeads here and there, and all the survivors ran out of the town, screaming about low prices at certain stores.

Ganondorf went to Hyrule castle and went inside to find the king sleeping on his throne. Ganondorf picked him up and threw him out the window. "Stay out of my castle!" he yelled before closing the window.

Chapter one is done!

Ganondorf: Was that supposed to be some smart play on words?

Cir: No, but the chapter title is!