Redemption for Annie

Comments: Read Closing In first

A/N: Thanks to Janet!

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They would never find him. Unless he spoke up. And he wouldn't. Not right now.

Kirsten Angelina O'Reily was the reason he was hiding from his crewmates. Today was the first anniversary of her death in that dark basement. She died while he sat helplessly by and watched her fade away.

God, it tore at his soul just like another little girl he used to know. Made him want to cry, but not in front of the others.

He could hear them moving around the station, looking in every corner to find out where he put himself, not even knowing why he was gone. They didn't remember what today was. He almost hadn't remembered until the first call of the morning.

They arrived at a small little house and there sat an angelic little girl with a broken arm. She had given him such a full, sincere smile that it had hit him like a ton of bricks.

It was Kirsten's Day. The other anniversary for the other little girl was already gone, leaving him fragile in his emotions.

As soon as he got back from that run, he hid. Not even Roy knew where he was. Not even Chet.

There was another bang as they continued their search for him. 'No, Chet, I'm not under the kitchen cabinets!'

Johnny could hear voices as the locker room door opened.

"Well, where is he then?" That was Roy's voice. His comment was said with a little panic, a little anger and frustration.

"I don't know. I thought I knew all the hiding places around here," answered Chet Kelly.

Johnny could hear them checking the locker room again. They just checked ten minutes ago.

"Why'd he run off when you two got back? Bad run?" asked Chet.

There was a pause and then a rustling near the shower stall. "No. Just a broken arm. No sweat."

Johnny reached up and wiped his eyes clear of tears. Just in case they got lucky and found him this time. He didn't want them to see the evidence of his emotions.

Johnny could hear more rustling and muttering. And then the door opened and closed with a soft thud.

They were gone again. He had a good ten minutes before they came back to check again. Maybe he could get out of his hiding place and wander around to get the kinks out of his legs now.

Slowly he reached up with his right hand and pushed open his locker door. He peeked out and saw that the coast was clear and he carefully untangled himself from his cramped sitting position in the locker. Luckily, he cleaned it out the other day, so the only things in there were a change of socks in the drawer and two uniform shirts hanging on racks. None of his usual junk, like his magazines, to sit on

Once he was out, he touched his Smokey the Bear poster softly and then shut the locker door. Johnny turned and paced up and down beside the bench in front of his locker. Kirsten's angelic little face in his mind's-eye and the sound of her softly calling him Daddy in her confusion was floating just out of his hearing like a whisper on the wind.

He also thought of the other little girl with dark hair and brown eyes that called him John C. many years ago. He remembered Annie screaming in pain as fire claimed her body while he was powerless to help her.

Another tear escaped from his eye and fell down his cheek and he quickly scrubbed it away before anyone could come in and see it. He wasn't going to last the whole shift. He knew it.

Johnny had to get out of the locker room before they came back. He needed a new hiding place.

Johnny softly opened the locker room door and looked out. No one was in sight. He used his infamous speed to run into the bay and duck into the Squad. Sitting low in the seat, his head was barely visible to anyone who was looking for him.

It gave him more time to think about the two little girls that had a strangle hold on his heart.

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Roy looked everywhere he could think of at least four times. Sometimes he just didn't understand his partner's need to sometimes get in a cubby hole to think this past year.

This past year.

Roy almost hit himself when he remembered. That little girl in the basement with Johnny who died of complications before they could dig them out. Johnny was forced to watch her die without being able to help her.

Now that he knew the reason, he just had to find that partner of his. No telling what kind of state he was whipping himself into, especially after seeing that little girl this morning.

And Roy knew of a place to look first.

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Johnny didn't startle when the driver's side door of the Squad opened and Roy got in. They sat there in total silence for almost five minutes before Roy said anything.

"I remember her, Johnny, and I remember the hell you went through last year. Do you want to talk about it?"

Johnny shook his head. No, he didn't want to talk about it. Talking about it made it real, made it have flesh and bones and life. Two little lives, Kirsten and Annie, that failed to thrive because of him.

"You need to talk about it, Junior. I can see on your face that it's tearing you up inside."

Johnny looked up from his contemplation of the dashboard and sighed deeply. Did he really want Roy to know about his past that was haunting him since Kirsten's death? Johnny's own father blamed him for the fire many years ago on the reservation. Heck, he blamed himself and Annie's death would be a load he carried on his shoulders until the end of his days.

He turned back to the dashboard, unable to look at Roy when he finally spoke. "Do you know that I do this job for redemption?"

Roy's forehead crinkled. "Redemption?"

Johnny was silent for a moment. "I won't tell you everything. You don't need to know everything, but I'll tell you why I'm here in the station house right now." He shifted in his seat and pushed himself up to see out of the window.

"I lived on a reservation until I was eighteen years old. As soon as I graduated school, I came out here because my aunt lives nearby and knew the area. All I wanted to be was a firefighter. Someone who saved lives."

Roy tried to sit quietly. He was finally finding out about some of Johnny's elusive past. But his curiosity got the best of him. "Why a firefighter?"

Johnny almost broke down at the question and he gave a shuddering breath. Roy reached over to touch him, but Johnny held up a hand to ward him off. "Just listen before you say anything to me, Roy. You may not want to after my sad story."

Roy sat back in the seat and listened, keeping his hands on the steering wheel. But his eyes were on Johnny's face.

"On the reservation, before I left, I lived with my mother, my father, my grandfather and my sister. Dad had a ranch that he raised horses and cattle. He did okay since he was white and knew the system. We never wanted for much."

Johnny got a far away look in his eyes. "Broken Eagle, my grandfather, used to teach me the old ways like how to track animals and how to hunt." He took a breath and then said, "He taught me how to be honorable." He stopped as a tear rolled down his face and he angrily swiped it away. "Honor that I threw away one night and I've been trying to get it back ever since."

"My mother was called Gwen, but Grandfather called her Morning Star, because the Morning Star was still out on the morning that she was born to them. She was so beautiful that Dad proposed to her the same week he met her at the local grocery store."

"Dad was from Idaho and knew a little about ranching, so he and my Mom decided to get married and start a ranch and a family." He sniffed. "Mr. and Mrs. Roderick Gage."

He grew agitated in the seat and shifted again. "I was born later and was named after my father and his father. But Grandfather was a traditionalist; he called me Restless Cougar most of the time. And when my little sister was born he called her Annie-Little Flower. That's what she was, a little flower that brightened up any day. She could make the most sour person smile with just a wink from her eyes."

He was crying now. Tears rolled down his face and he didn't try to wipe them away. There were too many.

"We used to go out and build these little houses from branches and leaves. We would play for hours. You know, the usual stuff that kids play when they have a house. Well, I called it a fort, but she didn't mind."

Roy kept himself still, but he was shocked that Johnny had a sister. He never talked about her, or his family.

"Then one night . . . a night like any other, I went out to the barn loft to look at the stars and camp out. I'd done it a hundred times before. I took a candle with me and . . . and . . . I fell asleep before I blew it out." He choked for a moment and then cleared his throat. "I woke to find the barn in flames and the horses screaming."

He suddenly turned to Roy. "What's worth more to God, Roy, people or animals?"

Roy didn't know how to answer that, so he stayed quiet.

"I jumped down and saved the horses, never knowing . . . not knowing until too late that the flames were already across the yard and at the house. The house went up like a bonfire. Annie was killed. Mom was burned badly getting down the stairs from her bedroom. Grandfather was crippled when he fell and broke his hip getting out of the fire. Dad was away trying to sell some cattle at market and didn't know what happened until the next morning."

Johnny suddenly became angry and kicked the dashboard. "While I was saving the damn horses, my family was being torn apart! In more ways than one."

He became quiet again and contemplative. "Help arrived too late. Annie was gone. All they could do was take Mom and Grandfather to the clinic. Susie Grey Dove took me in until my father returned the next morning."

Johnny's face turned dark. "Dad told me I was no longer a son of his. He called me a bastard, Roy. Called me a no-good bastard. And he left me with Susie Grey Dove and left the reservation that very day. He didn't even go to the clinic to see Mom or Grandfather. I didn't see him for almost five years after that, and he was a drunk. He cursed me again and told me to go to hell."

He sniffed again. "I stayed with Mom until she died. I think she died from a broken heart. She and Annie were always together and she missed her terribly. She lost her husband almost the same day." Johnny had to clear his throat again. "Grandfather died from a heart attack soon after losing her. I stayed with Grey Dove until I graduated from High School and then I came out here to my aunt. More than anything, I wanted to be a firefighter, to somehow make up for what I did."

Johnny turned back to Roy, his brown eyes misted over with tears. "You see, redemption."

Johnny turned away. "And I did what I set out to do. Became a fireman, then a paramedic. Kept the memory of my family in my heart as a reminder to do the best I could. And I kept most of the pain away until last year in that damn basement. Watching Kirsten die with smoke all around us. It brought back memories of Annie . . . and Mom . . . and Grandfather." He turned angry again. "You know that Grandfather said not long before it happened? That I would one day help lots of people."

Johnny threw up his hands. "How, Roy, when I couldn't even help my own family? I loved them so much. I loved Annie so much. She was so young when she died."

Roy stayed quiet until he was sure Johnny was done. He watched the tears run down his partner's face and ached for him.

"Johnny, it wasn't your fault. It was an accident. You said yourself that you had camped out lots of times to see the stars in the barn loft. You didn't know what would happen and you wouldn't have let it happen if you did."

"But Dad--"

Roy became angry. "You were a boy, he should have been glad that you were alive and kept you close. No father should turn away his child. Even over such a horrible accident. He wasn't much of a man if he left his wife and son behind to fall into a bottle."

Johnny sniffed and rubbed his eyes.

"Have you seen him since you left the reservation?"

Johnny shook his head. "No. My aunt tried to contact him back in Idaho, but he refused to talk to me."

Silence filled the cab of the truck. Johnny lost in old painful memories and Roy not knowing what else to say that would make it better. Maybe nothing he could say would make it better.

"Johnny, I'm sorry. So very sorry."

Johnny nodded. "She was so young. She would have been beautiful when she grew up." He smiled slightly.

"Which one?" asked Roy.

Johnny turned to his friend. "Both of them, Roy. Both of them.

End.