Unwilling: Um. I think Unsworn doesn't want to talk to me because I keep saying and linking to stuff about Doug Jones. If you don't know who he is, then shame.

Unsworn: -eyeroll- Let's not think about Doug Jones, because that way lies madness.

Unwilling: And, um, we know it's been a while. We're joining the procrastinator's club tomorrow.

Unsworn: If they can be bothered to organize a meeting.

Unwilling: Also, this now apparently happens post-Brisingr. Spoilers abound. You have been warned. Can Doug Jones please marry me.

Unsworn: Brisingr was funny.

Unwilling: Doug Jones!

Unsworn: Doug Jones does not own Inheritance. Neither do we. We don't have an unhealthy obsession with our thesauri.

Unwilling: Doug Jones!

After much flying and 'Sue running, everyone managed to reach the Varden. Murtagh hammered on the doors of their generic stronghold and screamed, "HELP! MAD 'SUE ON THE RAMPAGE!"

Nothing happened.

Greenpeace whispered something to him, and he raised his voice once more. "IT IS I, MURTAGH, THE ONE THAT YOU HATE! I HAVE BROKEN FREE OF THE KING'S HOLD ON ME AND NOW BRING HIM TO YOU AS A HOSTAGE! ALSO, CAN SOMEONE PLEASE GET THIS FANGIRL OFF ME?"

After a moment, the doors opened inwards and Murtagh collapsed on the floor.

Roran stood in the entrance, clutching his hammer. He started forwards, angrily, with a muttered, "I'll get you, traitor--" and then noticed Greenpeace. "Eragon!" he shouted, "Nasuada! Arya! ANYONE?"

Greenpeace blinked. "Are you people seriously that gullible?"

Murtagh couldn't resist. "Yes, they are that stupid. And they wonder why we keep winning."

"Shut up," Roran said, "I'll smash you with my hammer."

"You and what army?" Murtagh snarked, but then Greenpeace grabbed his arm and tugged him forwards.

"We need to shut the doors," she said, sensibly, "there's a very dangerous person behind us. You can subdue us with unnecessary force directed at Murtagh later."

This might not work, said Thorn. From what you've told me of these "Sues," she could probably find another, highly implausible way into the Varden.

"Oh, --, you're right. We also need salt, holy water and lemons," said Greenpeace.

Roran looked puzzled. "Lemons?"

"Yes. Lemons."

lyra walked gaerfly to eht vadrens drs. She ws so grcefl that is loked like sehs was sdanceing. She calld out in a muscil vocei, 'it is I, the the gr8 lyra. i hve cum 2 rscu mi hunni frm u!"

the drs opend 4 her (coz shes awsum.)

as she stped in2 d vardn s stronhld, ergon nd arya rn 2 meet roran. whn they neard lyr she screamd nd collpsd grcfuli on d flor.

"Hello, foul intruder," Eragon said, sword in hand, "what curses have you brought to rain upon my head?"

lyra grinned. "eragn!" she sadi. "its rly u? ur my brther-in-law 2b! we shld--"

Roran stepped forward neatly, and stuck a lemon in her mouth.

Murtagh blinked. "So what exactly is that supposed to do?"

"This," Greenpeace said. "Eragon, hi, nice to meet you. Tell us about yourself."

Lyra thrashed, and started foaming at the mouth. Greenpeace grabbed her arms and held them.

Eragon blinked. "Well, I'm Eragon Shadeslayer. I'm the last free dragon rider, and I used to think my father was Morzan, the scum of Alagaesia, but now I know he was Brom, who tragically died too soon. I was made part-elf at the Agaeti Blodhren--"

Lyra started keening, a high-pitched noise that drilled into the ears of everyone standing around them. Her skin started to steam, faint purple sparks coming off her delicate fingernails.

Greenpeace gritted her teeth. "Keep going," she said, "tell us about your life's purpose."

Eragon perked up. "Well," he said, "I'm going to kill the king of Alagaesia, because he's evil and he's killed most of the people I love and caused severe pain to the rest. Look, I even have this really neat sword to kill him with; it bursts into flames when I say it's name."

The lemon burst. A stream of sparkles came off Lyra's skin, flew threw the air, and settled in Eragon's hair.

"Okay," Greenpeace said, "thanks for that. you can stop now."

Eragon looked slightly disappointed. "But I hadn't gotten to the part where he turned Murtagh evil! And Murtagh stole my old sword, which was not as good as my new sword anyway--"

Lyra got up awkwardly and slapped Eragon as hard as she could. He staggered to one side. "Never," she hissed, addressing the empty air where he had been, "never talk about my Daddy like that again! If you ever—what?"

Greenpeace turned her around until she was facing Eragon. "He's over there."

Lyra blinked. "Oh, --, my contacts are gone!" She walked slowly over to Eragon, with the air of a blind person. "As I was saying..."

"Wait!" Murtagh said. "She's normal again! Well, normal for her. How?"

"'Sues eat their own," Greenpeace said wisely. "It's hard to be a 'Sue. You have to make sure someone better doesn't come along, otherwise," she shrugged. "They take away your sparkle and add it to their own."

Murtagh looked sideways at Eragon. He seemed to be sparkling faintly.

"What about Arya?" Morzan asked, curiously. "Stop that," he added, turning to Galbatorix, whose hands were in... interesting places. "This is interesting."

Greenpeace shrugged again. "She and Ergy here are tied in 'Sueness, I guess."

Eragon, Roran and Arya started. They hadn't noticed the King and his new... friend.

Murtagh said, "Oh dear god. Are you two incapable of keeping your hands to yourselves?"

Morzan shot Galbatorix an exasperated look. "I'm not the one with the problem."

"Both of you are the ones with problems," Eragon squeaked. "Wait, Morzan?"

Morzan twirled, presenting himself. "In the flesh!" A pause. "Or...whatever."

Whatever being the key word, Thorn said. Just be glad you weren't there in the egg-room.

"What?" Murtagh said, looking faintly green.

Three times a week, Thorn said, I think it's what persuaded Saphira to hatch.

Eragon moved towards Galbatorix, and unsheathed his sword. Er, Brisingr. Swords are just too phallic for their own good. Lyra saw him, and tackled.

"Ow! What was that for? H-hey!" Eragon lay on the floor, spluttering ineffectually as Lyra took Brisingr off him.

"Ooh. Pyro sword."

Greenpeace's eyes widened. "Oh, no," she said. Someone take that away from her."

Arya moved quickly, like a swift wind through a field of corn. The only sign of her movement was the ripple in the air, and then she was standing over Lyra, with Brisingr in her hand.

Eragon's eyes glazed over. He stared at Arya, not moving. A tiny ribbon of drool fell out of his mouth.

"Gross," Greenpeace said. "Arya Drottningu, could you maybe give him back the sword?"

Lyra squirmed. "Could you maybe give me back the sword?"

Everyone shuddered and said, "no."

Arya stepped carefully over Lyra, coming back to Eragon. "Here," she said, standing as far away from him as she could, and handed him Brisingr.

"Uh," Eragon said, fingers closing over the hilt. "Thank you. Sorry about that."

"Yeah," she said, "whatever."

Murtagh snickered. "Eragon and Arya, sitting in a tree"

Roran chimed in.

Greenpeace hit both of them. "Guys, that's incredibly insensitive. That poor tree!"

"Psst! Greenpeace!" Lyra beckoned. Greenpeace obligingly came. "We're in the Varden. We're near Elva. We could totally destroy this place. We could BURN THE WORLD!!"

"Uh, Lyra?" Said Greenpeace once her ears had stopped ringing. "I don't think you should have yelled out that last bit. But Elva! Let's go find her and feed her soup!"

so, thorn said, who is this elva? and does she deserve this?

"so," unwilling replied. "what are these capital letters? and do you know how to use them?"

-- you, unsworn said, i have the soul of a poet. i am the reincarnation of e.e. cummings. (if he's dead. if he's not, um, ...double check that.)

"well," unwilling said, "i'm hyper. so there."

"also," unwilling added, "im fully using these as our snarky comments after the story."

Note from Unwilling: The perils of writing a story over the internets, boys and girls. Also, the lemon thing is a Pratchett reference. See, in the Discworld, there are many different local variations of vampire, and there are slight differences in how you kill them. The vamps from Klotz (I think?) in Uberwald can be killed by shoving a lemon in their mouth and then chopping off their head. We also never got around to using the salt and holy water. Ah well. We'll save it for another time.