The Twelve Days of Turkmas

Disclaimer: I didn't expect to end up writing a fic like this. All the Christmas songs on the radio and Christmas specials on TV generally annoy me, but inspiration struck and I went with it, so here's the result. Hopefully it doesn't suck. Also, in case anyone's has any strange misconceptions about copyright owners, last time I checked, I didn't own FFVII or any of it's characters.

Author's Note: In case any of the below is a bit unclear, Reno adds the odd verses, Rude adds the even, and they both sing(badly) the chorus parts. And as always, big thanks go to Noroi for betaing this.

It was late in the evening in the executive lounge where the annual Shinra office Christmas party was taking place, and the party was becoming increasingly boring, when a drunk, red-haired Turk suddenly leapt atop the bar and burst out into song. His slurred and rather off key tenor voice caused the more sober partygoers to wince as he launched into the first verse, "On the first Day of Christmas, my drinking buddy gave me, a case of Scotch Whisky!" He then waved to a very large, very drunk, bald Turk and said, "C'mon, buddy, join in!"

Normally, not even slow torture could convince Rude to sing in public, but he currently had a blood-alcohol level high enough to kill a lesser man, and as a result, his normally high inhibitions had gone missing. So he didn't hesitate before leaping onto the bar, almost falling right over the other side, regaining his balance with Reno's help, and adding a verse in a loud, slightly slurred, and very off-key baritone, "On the second Day of Christmas, my drinking buddy gave me, two high-class hookers!"

The drunken duo then joined to belt out the chorus, "And a case of Scotch Whisky!" Several of the more drunken partygoers attempt to join in. The more sober ones stare, a strange mixture of shock and horror on their faces.

"On the third Day of Christmas, my drinking buddy gave me, three hentai games!" Reno added with a lecherous grin, oblivious to the fact that Elena had begun videotaping them.

"Two high-class hookers, and a case of Scotch Whisky!"

"On the fourth Day of Christmas, my drinking buddy gave me, four cases of beer!"

"Three hentai games, two high-class hookers, and a case of Scotch Whisky!"

"On the fifth Day of Christmas, my drinking buddy gave me, five, fifths, of golden Rum!" Reno sang, pausing for dramatic effect after five and fifths.

"Four cases of beer, three hentai games, two high-class hookers, and a case of Scotch Whisky!"

"On the sixth Day of Christmas, my drinking buddy gave me, six porno mags!"

"Five, golden, Rums! Four cases of beer, three hentai games, two high-class hookers, and a case of Scotch Whisky!"

Reno leered before adding the next verse, "On the seventh Day of Christmas, my drinking buddy gave me, seven girl-on-girl DVDs!"

"Six porno mags, Five, golden, Rums! Four cases of beer, three hentai games, two high-class hookers, and a case of Scotch Whisky!" they slur.

"On the eighth Day of Christmas, my drinking buddy gave me, eight bottles of Gin!"

"Seven girl-on-girl DVDs, six porno mags, Five, golden, Rums! Four cases of beer, three hentai games, two high-class hookers, and a case of Scotch Whisky!"

"On the ninth Day of Christmas, my drinking buddy gave me, nine maids a milking!"

"Hold on!" Rude interrupted. "You didn't change it."

"Yeah I did. I changed the meaning. Think about it." Reno replied with an exaggerated wink.

"We already did hookers." his pal insisted after thinking about it for a moment, oblivious to how the argument would sound to by-standers.

"It's a different type! Like when I got my Christmas bonus and couldn't decide if I wanted one 5000 gil hooker or fifty 100 gil hookers. They're two entirely different things." Reno declared loudly, and would later highly regret saying in front of so many people.

"Oh, well, you oughta at least say it differently. Which did you pick, anyway?"

"Neither, I hired five 1000 gil hookers." Reno answered before singing "Nine cheap hoes milking!"

"Eight bottles of Gin, seven girl-on-girl DVDs, six porno mags, Five, golden, Rums! Four cases of beer, three hentai games, two high-class hookers, and a case of Scotch Whisky!"

"On the tenth Day of Christmas, my drinking buddy gave me, ten fifths of Bourbon!"

"Nine cheap hoes milking, eight bottles of Gin, seven girl-on-girl DVDs, six porno mags, Five, golden, Rums! Four cases of beer, three hentai games, two high-class hookers, and a case of Scotch Whisky!"

"On the eleventh Day of Christmas, my drinking buddy gave me, eleven Fluffers fluffing!"

"Damnit, Reno, you did cheap hoes last time!" Rude insisted loudly.

"Shit." Reno thought a moment before singing, "Eleven geishas laying!"

"Ten fifths of Bourbon, Nine cheap hoes milking, eight bottles of Gin, seven girl-on-girl DVDs, six porno mags, Five, golden, Rums! Four cases of beer, three hentai games, two high-class hookers, and a case of Scotch Whisky!"

"On the twelfth Day of Christmas, my drinking buddy gave me, twelve strippers stripping!"

"Eleven geishas laying, ten fifths of Bourbon, Nine cheap hoes milking, eight bottles of Gin, seven girl-on-girl DVDs, six porno mags, Five, golden, Rums! Four cases of beer, three hentai games, two high-class hookers, and a case of Scotch Whisky!" the pair finish, still badly out of key.

"Hey!" Reno yelled, "Why ain't any of you losers clapping? After some damn good singing like that, you oughta give us a damned standing..." he paused, trying to remember the word he wanted, before continuing, "gimme a standing ovulation! Well hell with you, I'm gonna do an encore anyway!" he declared before singing, "All I want for Christmas is a ménage à tros..."

Author's Note: -singing- All I want for Christmas is for my readers to review...-singing-

Seriously, it won't take you more than thirty seconds to click that 'go' button down there, type something like 'Nice work.' or 'You suck.' to let me know what you think of this, and click 'submit'. You can even do it anonymously if you want. C'mon, think of it as a Christmas gift. Sure, I've been rather naughty this year(and every year), but I still deserve reviews, right? Don't make me torture you with more off-key singing until you review...

New note: Edited again because some site update deleted all the '--' lines I used to use to seperate the story from notes, etc... So time to slap horizontal rulers into all my fics.