Man I love The Boondocks…

The Shinobi's Guide to Television
By Kaori

"What's this about a fundraiser?" blinked Asuma.

"We do it every year." Shun explained. "During sweeps week we have a telethon to raise money to run the studio. The problem is, this year we're short of talent acts."

"He's making us his circus monkeys now?" sighed Neji.

"I've got news for you, we've been his monkeys ever since we started filling in here." Grumbled Naruto.

"You've been a monkey since the day you were born." Quipped Sasuke.

"What was that bastard!"

Tsk, deaf and stupid. How I pity you."

"Why must you two always argue? It's so troublesome." Shikamaru said. "We've already been making a spectacle of ourselves, what's one more time?"

"Speak for yourself." Huffed Ino. "The kids' show was one thing, but this is something everyone will see. We'll be the laughing stock of the whole village."

"How do you figure that?" Chouji asked, as he finished off his bag of chips. "I mean, it's not like we have to sing and dance and wear funny hats, right?"

"Only if you can and want to." Shun reassured them. "Now please follow me into the studio."

This one was bigger than the others, naturally. There had to be room for the stage, cameras, and the tables and chairs where the people taking the calls were. Surprisingly, Jiraiya was standing in the studio waiting for them.

"Ero-sannin! Why are you here?" exclaimed Naruto. "OW!"

"I told you not to call me that, you brat!" growled Jiraiya and hit him again.

"OW! And just what was that for!"

"That one was for telling everyone I'm a pervert on national television."

"The world has the right to know, Pervy-sensei!" This earned him another smack upside the head. "Hey! Quit it or you're gonna give me brain damage."

"Too late…" murmured Sakura.

"Anyway, I'm here to help out at this telethon!" announced Jiraiya. "And you're going to assist me!" he pointed at Naruto and then dragged him off somewhere.

"Let me go! I don't wanna!" shrieked Naruto. "Help! Help! I'm being kidnapped by a pervert!" He was widely ignored.

"He'll be fine." Kakashi said.

"N…Naruto-kun…" Hinata fidgeted, desperately wanting to go after her crush.

"So, Sasuke, what are you going to do?" asked Ino.

"Che, I'm not going to humiliate myself on TV…" he blinked realizing what he said and amending it. "…again."

"Hey, being a shinobi isn't all glamorous." Asuma said.

"That's right!" Gai agreed. "Sometimes one must do things that one does not like on their path towards greatness! However, the Power of Youth will sustain you and strengthen you so that you can shine even through the most demeaning task!" Mass sweatdropping and one excited Lee followed.

The ninjas were asked to wait in the green room until they called for acts. Surprisingly, Naruto and Jiraiya weren't anywhere to be found. Jiraiya missing was nothing new but when he was in Konoha and out of the sight of respectable/responsible people it was a bit unnerving but only because you could figure out where he was. Naruto missing made you outright nervous and the longer he was out of sight, the more you felt like your sanity was in peril. Both of them missing at the same time was downright terrifying.

Kakashi was the only one not worried. His perverted senses were tingling which meant that something interesting would happen in the future.

Kiki, the girl who was assisting with the kids' show yesterday, poked her head in. "Eerrr, Akimichi Chouji? You're on in five minutes." Chouji hastily put away his chips.

"All right, I'd better go get changed!" and he hurried off. Kiki followed behind him. The remaining persons turned their attention to the television set so they could watch. All were interested in seeing what their friend would do.

Chouji stood on the stage wearing a simple kimono and behind him, was a gigantic taiko drum.

"I didn't know Chouji could play." Blinked Asuma.

"That's because you're always too busy with Shikamaru." Huffed Ino. "All you know about Chouji is his love of food."

"Geez, am I the only jounin instructor that doesn't play favourites!" exclaimed Kurenai.

"Oh please, like you don't favour Hinata over Kiba and Shino." Asuma snorted. Gai however, was a bit upset by Kurenai's accusation.

"I don't play favourites with my students." he looked at Neji, TenTen, and then Lee. "Do I?'

"Gai-sensei, we're actually glad that you train Lee more than us." TenTen said flatly. Neji nodded in agreement. Gai frowned.

"I appreciate you trying to make me feel better TenTen, but it has become clear that I have been more of a teacher to Lee than to you and Neji. As such, I vow to correct my most egregious mistake by training each of you personally at least once a week! If I don't do that I shall teach you one-on-one twice a week! And if I don't do that…"

Neji and TenTen glared at Kurenai.

"Now look what you've done." Intoned Kakashi.

"Errmm…uhhh…." Kurenai fumbled. "Oh! Chouji's quite good, isn't he?"

Chouji was actually a very talented taiko drummer, so good that the phones didn't ring through his entire performance. When he finished, however, the phones all rang simultaneously and the telethon staff rushed to answer them.

"You were awesome Chouji!" grinned Shikamaru, feeling very proud of his best friend. "Where did you learn to play like that?"

"My granddad taught me. He used to play at all the daimyo's parties." Beamed Chouji.

"I hate to break up the love fest." Kiki interrupted. "But, Hyuuga Hinata, you're on."

"EEP!"

Hinata's talent, surprisingly, was impressions (not turning into other people with a henge but actual impressions; voices and everything). Well, surprising to everyone except Kurenai of course. She had noticed Hinata would imitate other people when she thought no one was looking. Her favourite was when Hinata would do her vocal impression of Kakashi. So far she had done Lee and Iruka, and now she was doing her impression of Sasuke.

"I do not sound like that." Grumbled Sasuke.

"You mean like a pompous ass?" quipped Shikamaru. "Yeah, you do."

"Do you want to die that badly, Nara?"

"There will be no killing today." Said Kakashi.

"Damn." Neji pouted. Everybody raised an eyebrow at that but their expressions changed to surprise when Hinata came running back into the room very red in the face and on the verge of fainting from utter embarrassment. Kiki came in behind her at a more sedate pace.

"Hatake Kakashi, you're on." Kiki said, as she scribbled something on a clipboard.

Kakashi only got through the first two words of Icha Icha Camping before he was forcibly removed from the stage.

"Nobody appreciates great literature anymore." He pouted. Kurenai, mustering up all the grace and ladylikeness she could, refrained from slapping him (but just barely, next time the kid gloves come off).

"What great literature?" she hissed.

Ino was up next (she recited a poem declaring her love of Sasuke), followed by Shikamaru (with a very interesting shadow puppet show depicting his version of the third part of the chuunin exams).

"Kiba and Akamaru, you're on." Yawned Kiki.

To the viewers at home, it looked like it was going to be just another dog act (the ones where the trainer has the dog do tricks), how wrong they were. Akamaru gave commands and Kiba did the tricks.

Akamaru sat on a stool so that he was level with the camera, Kiba standing on his right.

"Arf!" barked Akamaru. Kiba did a handstand. "Arf!" Kiba (still in the handstand) took out a kunai and threw it at a target that had been set up on the far end of the stage. He missed the centre by a few inches. "Arf!" Kiba did a neat flip and landed on his feet. "Arf!" Kiba bowed and picked up Akamaru and was about to leave the stage when the lights went out.

"What the hell!" somebody yelped.

A spotlight suddenly illuminated the stage and standing in it was…

"OROCHIMARU!"

Michael Jackson's "Thriller" started to play as the snake sannin started dancing and moon walking across the stage. Halfway through, Kabuto appeared out of nowhere, through a robe around Orochimaru's shoulders and led him off stage (think James Brown). When he was almost out the door, Orochimaru threw the robe off and started dancing again. When the song ended, they both disappeared.

"Okaay…" blinked Ino.

"That was disturbing." Asuma said.

"And yet, rather entertaining." Added Kurenai.

"Is he gone?" Sasuke shivered from his hiding place.

"Yes Sasuke he's gone." Kurenai replied. "Now please remove your hands from Hinata's posterior before Neji decides to kill you."

Sasuke blinked and flexed his hands. Hinata squeaked and turned even redder than she already was. Sasuke looked at his hands (planted very nicely on Hinata's hips), looked over at Neji who looked like he was going to burst a blood vessel, and then back at his hands (and consequently Hinata's butt).

"Why doesn't he ever touch me like that?' Ino and Sakura thought simultaneously.

"Uuuuchiiiiiiihaaaaaa…." Growled Neji. Sasuke coughed and jumped away from Hinata. Neji was not satisfied and preceded to beat the vengeance-loving crap out of Sasuke.

Despite S-class criminals and the battle raging backstage, the show continued. Shino was shoved on stage and stood there staring at the camera for five minutes. Then he got the goofiest look on his face. Disco music started playing and then (in a damn good imitation of Barry White) sang his version of "Can't Get Enough of Your Love Baby". The women were eating it up. Kurenai was fanning herself, Ino and Sakura were drooling, and Hinata looked like she was going to die (but that might be because she wasn't quite over Sasuke grabbing her ass yet).

"Damn Shino always stealing my spotlight!" raged Kiba.

"Hey, who's the next act?" asked TenTen.

Elsewhere…

"Kukukuku…" snickered Orochimaru.

"Stop that! It's really creepy when you do that!" whined Kabuto.

"Sorry, I can't help myself." 'Orochimaru' disappeared into a cloud of smoke and when it cleared Jiraiya was standing there. 'Kabuto' did the same revealing Naruto. "Oh well, we should be getting back to the others. They're probably wondering what we've been up to."

"Knowing them, they probably think you've been out peeping."

"Crap! I'm missing out on some serious research time!" and with that, he was gone.

"Damn that perverted old man…" growled Naruto. "He knows I can't leave here or Tsunade will have my neck for abandoning a mission."

Back to the green room where Gai and Lee were just coming off the stage after performing their rather…disturbing magic act; the bulk of which involved Lee pulling things out of Gai's spandex suit (Kami-sama only knows how or why). It was even creepier when Lee pulled out Neji who collapsed into a fit of spastic twitching. They had to force Sasuke to grab Hinata again to snap him out of it.

"Gather round everyone!" Shun clapped his hands happily. "It's time for the Grand Finale!"

"What Grand Finale?" blinked Kurenai.

"Oh, didn't I tell you? We're gathering all the performers on stage for a send off number."

"EEEEHHH!" everyone exclaimed.

"Relax all you have to do is stand on the platform and wave while the band plays."

So everyone was lined up according to height (the tallest people would go on first and stand in a row, the next tallest following to stand in front of them and so on) and waited for the musical cue.

"Why do I get the feeling this is going to end badly?" Muttered Shikamaru.

"Why do you always have to be so pessimistic?" snapped Ino. "Try thinking positive for once!"

"All right, I'm positive that this is going to end badly."

"Please, how could this possibly get any worse?" TenTen shrugged.

Now, the denizens in our dimension have watched enough television to know that under no circumstances should you ever utter those words because the Powers That Be will instantly home in on you and smite you with, for lack of a better term, worse.

To be honest, all seemed to be going smoothly. They all managed to get up on the stage and it held. The band played, they smiled and waved at the cameras, it was almost over. And then…

"What's that rumbling noise?" Asuma asked.

Everything stopped. No one spoke or said anything as they tried to determine the direction the noise was coming from. All eyes zeroed in on the eastern wall…

CRASH! A twenty-foot, yellow and blue toad came bursting through the wall, consequently causing part of the ceiling to collapse. Not letting something so trivial stop it, the toad continued on its way. Briefly, the observers caught a glimpse of very familiar white hair.

"ERO-SANNIN YOU PERVERT!" Naruto screamed, immediately guessing what was happening. He was proven correct when several be-towelled women rushed by in the toad's wake demanding revenge. Those remaining in the studio had no time to worry about this as the rest of the ceiling started to come down on their heads.

"It sucks being right all the time." Sighed Shikamaru, and that was the last thing anybody heard for a while.

Several hours later, at Konoha hospital, The Twelve Disciples (snicker) and their sensei's awoke to see the Hokage staring at them expectantly.

"Well, I'm glad to see you're all conscious. You're all lucky to be alive considering an entire building fell on you."

"I'll get you for this Ero-Sannin." Growled Naruto.

"You'll be out in two days Naruto, you'll get your chance then. In the meantime, you all get some rest."

Naruto actually got out of the hospital the following day and, true to his nindo, ran out and sought revenge on Jiraiya for himself, his comrades, and the beautiful young women of the village. It involved several pairs of pantyhose, a pair of tongs, and a depraved walrus.

A week and a half later, the others were let out of the hospital and they, too sought revenge on Jiraiya. This time it was your standard nin on nin violence. Naturally, Naruto got in on this too.

Orochimaru got funny looks from his subordinates for days before he finally decided to…erm…ask one of them (i.e. pull one of them at random and experiment on him until he squealed) what the deal was. Surprisingly, he wasn't angry, just very upset that he didn't get the chance to do it himself.

The television studio was utterly demolished but some good did come of this. In the rubble, was found the cause of the accidents and improbable rash of bad luck. Apparently a disgruntled employee had not relinquished his voodoo kit and was getting his revenge that way instead of simply stealing office supplies like a sane human being.

Six months later…

"I have a new mission for you…"

Bum bum buuummm!

This may be the end of this story, but the Shinobi's Guide saga is not over yet!