Disclaimer: I own nothing; it all belongs to J.K.Rowling. I'm just borrowing the characters to play with for a while. This is for pleasure only, no profit is being made, and no copyright infringement is intended.

Bob was clutching his ears, struggling to muffle the slightly familiar sounding shrieks of Petunia and Vernon Dursley. He had a bad feeling about this. It was the sort of feeling only extended exposure to Harry Potter could provide. When Bob felt Harry begin to pull on Bob's magic, he realized that was why he had such a bad feeling. Bob made an effort to double-check on James, Lily, and Sirius. It wasn't really all that difficult to do considering that feeling nothing because they're fine and feeling nothing because they're gone would feel pretty much the same. But whatever Harry was doing was going to be big. And Bob knew if Harry had any hope of fixing the Dursleys, it would take something big, like shake the foundations of Hogwarts big. When he felt the castle beginning to tremble, Bob muttered, "Oh dear."

Bob could almost taste the anticipation when he saw Harry's eyes snap open. His curiosity was getting the better of him and Bob couldn't turn away when Harry cast the enormous memory charm on the three Dursleys. Sadly Bob was completely unprepared for at that moment his brain threw up inside his head.

An interesting tidbit, Bob would only now theorize, was that it appears witnessing a memory charm happen to your past self, has a tendency to stretch and bend the charm, occasionally even break it completely. Not to mention, insofar as dementors are concerned, it was entirely within the realm of possibility that it could also projectile vomit.

It may have been a lifetime of memories to some, but to Bob, it was barely a page in a book. Of course it was the most important page and the answer to all the questions he'd wondered for decades. Questions he'd given up on finding the answers too, and a couple answers he could have done without. He vaguely remembered his life, and what it had been like. He more clearly understood what he was, how he came to be, but there was still a lot that was blurry. He once again remembered discovering them, and what they had been doing. Only now did he fully comprehend who they were and what he had done.

But even still, it was unbelievably disconcerting to essentially watch yourself be born. Or maybe created was a more accurate term.

He began to feel the fear and panic his blood brother felt and only now noticed the swirling purple vortex and complete absence of anyone else in the Chamber. "What to do, what to do," Bob hummed happily. His hand felt something in his pocket that he had kept for a couple of years now. It was a safety blanket of sorts, even if he never expected to use it. But now, he knew he would actually need it. He pulled out his very own wand, one that Harry had jam-packed full of crazy spells and ridiculously useless things, and customized to work for Bob. If he ever needed to hide himself as a bar stool, he need only hold the wand and call out "One hundred and three." Exactly why Bob always remembered that particular trigger was somewhat of a mystery.

Bob scratched the top his head trying to remember how to do this right. It was an unconscious maneuver that always freaked people out. Not many people have enough dandruff to choke a donkey. Bob suddenly remembered how to work it and called out, "Come here Harry."

Bob wasn't sure why he didn't see any magic, but his wand was reacting like he was fishing and got a bite. Bob put a second hand on his wand and began tugging the fish in. He had to fight the urge to try and reel the wand. After a few yanks seemed to not make any difference, Bob just held onto the wand, and waited for it to pull Harry back up. After all, he'd already been on the other side of this, and he remembered Harry being pulled up while he was pulled down. Bob had been patiently waiting for a minute or so wondering why the fish hadn't jumped up into the boat when he realized, he didn't know if Harry was ever pulled all the way up, he just knew that he had been pulled all the way down.

Bob's worries were getting the better of him, so he kept both hands on his wand and yanked it as hard as he could. The response was immediate as Harry came rocketing out the purple swirling vortex, just as it was closing and beginning to dissipate. Bob took one look at his blood brother flying towards him at an unsafe speed, and merely reacted on instinct. Bob ducked low to the ground as Harry sailed over him crashing into the worktable behind him with a loud whump.

"Alright there, Harry?" Bob asked.

Harry swung his head trying to shake off the tiredness and ill effects a massive time sucking vortex of doom could have on a person. "I'm alright." Harry replied firmly. A moment later of continuing dizziness Harry added, "I think."

Bob nodded at Harry and went over to help him up.

"Hey… umm, Bob?" Harry began unsure quite how to put this. "Do you know what just happened?"

"Yeah," Bob assured him. "I have a pretty good idea."

Harry looked up at Bob and could only smile ruefully. "Oh!" Harry remembered and handed Bob the last two knuckles of his left ring finger. "I believe this is yours."

"Hey!" Bob smiled brightly. "My finger!" Bob took it and tried to stick on to the nub he had. "I always wondered where I left that."

"Wait a second," Harry insisted picking up on what Bob was saying. "How long have you known?"

Bob sat back on the couch flexing the fingers on his left hand. "A few minutes now. Watching you do that memory charm sort of… broke the memory charm finally."

"Oh," Harry nodded thinking he didn't understand that but it made a lot of sense.

"Yeah…" Bob said. "Up until you hit them, err me, with that… I had no clue at all."

"Hey!" Harry smiled. "You know what I just realized?"

Bob chuckled, "I have a few guesses but they're probably wrong."

"You kissed yourself!" Harry said. "Sucked Padfoot right out of your body and into your body!"

Bob nodded. "And you're dating yourself, but you're right. I hadn't thought of that."

Harry noticed all the grime covering his own body and was cleaning himself up a bit. "If this is too soon considering how weird getting memories back like that must be, just say so. But I am curious… how much do you remember?"

Bob shook his head. "It's not too soon, but all of it is hazy. We didn't exactly end up just a few years ago. It's not like I remember dinosaurs, but my mind was sort of an empty slate for a while. No one around to write on it. Just had Bob across the top and that was about it."

Harry winced. He wasn't sure how to put this nicely so he just asked, "And your parents? Aunt Petunia and Uncle Vernon?"

Bob sighed. "That I do remember and understand, though I think that was more repressed than anything else. But before we get into this Harry…shouldn't we do something about…?"

Harry shrugged. "About what?"

"How about your parents? Sirius?" Bob chuckled.

Harry slapped his forehead. "Oh geebus! I forgot about them." Harry jumped up to grab the soul-sucking portrait frames. "Man, that didn't take long. I was afraid I'd screw up and lose them forever and mope for a while."

"I can understand you're still a bit preoccupied," Bob smiled. "I was just thinking it might be easier for Lily to hear this too." Bob stopped. "Shit. She's my aunt, isn't she?"

Harry hadn't even connected that either. "Yeah, she is. Lot hotter than Marge too."

Bob struggled to grasp onto his memories. "Marge… Marge… oh the fat one you blew up?"

Harry nodded as he set out the portraits and got the potions for Bob.

Bob chuckled. "She told me she used to train her dogs to bite you."

"I knew it!" Harry exclaimed loudly. He quietly grumbled to himself, "Tubby wino bitch."

"Alright Bob," Harry said as he set out the first portrait, before stopping to consider, "Or would you prefer Dudley?"

"Bob please," Bob said with a shake of his head. "That name I barely remember, while this one's been my name for thousands of years. Still not sure how I feel about the person I was either, as a lot of what I remember is from what you've told me."

Harry frowned and looked over the massive portrait at the dementor. "True, you were a buttmunch through and through growing up, but you were a kid. Raised by Vernon and Petunia. Thick skull, for sure, but you ended up an alright guy." Harry smiled. "I was really kind of liking you when I… well, you know… sucked my godfather's soul into your body. Sorry bout that."

Bob sighed dramatically. "It'll take some time, but eventually I may forgive you."

"Right," Harry assured Bob, showing how worried he was. "Frankly, that's probably the reason I'm not freaking out more. Because the Dursley I cared most about is already my friend. To be honest, I don't really feel all that bad for your parents."

Bob shrugged but understood.

Harry started to laugh. "The way they complain about my freakishness… ahh, I'm looking forward to rubbing this in their faces."

"They're dead," Bob retorted.

Harry sobered quickly. "Sorry."

"Don't apologize," Bob told Harry. "Let's get your relatives out of me and I'll tell you the whole story."

Harry handed Bob the potion catered towards Sirius. "Here's Padfoot first. And don't forget, they're your relatives too."

Bob could tell this was going to take some getting used to. He knocked back the potion and laid down on the couch.

Harry cut the palms on both of his hands, to bind and activate the portrait to him. He then straddled Bob and waited while Sirius' soul was sucked into it. A loud slurping sound and an almost comical bell signaled the portrait was full. Harry turned it around and saw a picture of Sirius laying half off of a bed, his head hanging over the side, with his mouth wide open and drool dripping down his face.

"Looks like it worked," Harry announced. "Though I suppose we'll have to wait for Sirius to wake up."

"Lovely," Bob said curtly. "Now let's do Uncle Jimmy and Aunt Lils before I get irritable."

"Little late for that," Harry mumbled.

"Be nice," Bob replied having heard Harry loud and clear. "You know you're forcing me to throw up my meals here. It's not quite the same as it is for you. It's a bit more than just tasting different on the way out than the way in."

"Sorry," Harry replied earnestly. Harry and Bob repeated the process and both James and Lily were also safely ensouled in their paintings asleep on beds.

"You okay there Bob?" Harry asked him as he seemed a bit unstable.

Bob nodded. "Yeah fine… just, that's tiring work. You mind if I relax a bit?"

Harry looked around. "Yeah, you should be fine. Go ahead."

Bob continued lying on the couch, but the ambient temperature in the air dropped significantly, as he stopped trying to hold back his powerful aura. Were there anyone else in the area they would be caught up in a maelstrom of painful memories and teeth-chattering cold. Harry, on the other hand, only felt the cold, and he could easily counter that with a slight warming charm. "You did good, Bob. Real good."

"Thanks," Bob replied. "Got a whole lot of answers to questions I forgot I had too."

Harry called for Dobby, who popped in and fell to the floor shivering. "Oh shit, Dobby, I'm sorry."

"N- N- No pr- pr- problem, Master," Dobby said as he fought the bitter chill.

"I'll be back in a second Bob," Harry grabbed Dobby and popped the pair of them into the kitchens. Dobby immediately warmed up and looked up at Harry oddly.

Harry raised his hands in defense. "Sorry, I forgot Bob was doing that. But I'm pretty exhausted and could use some food. I was going to see if you had anything."

Dobby just shook his head with a frown and snapped his fingers. A fresh hot boxed pizza appeared in front of Harry. "That'll work. Thanks Dobby. I didn't mean to do that to you." And with a pop Harry was back down in the Chamber of Secrets.

Harry went for a slice, only to realize it was completely cold by the time it reached his mouth. He chucked that slice away and set a warming charm around the box and pizza again. He finally got himself some sustenance. "Mmm, food."

Bob started softly snoring while Harry was finishing off his meal and getting his second wind. Once Harry had finished up, he conjured a searing hot fireball to float right in front of Bob's face. Bob immediately woke up and smacked the thing out from in front of him. "Stop it, Harry, I'm tired."

"You can sleep soon," Harry said. "But until the portraits wake up, you can give me some answers."

Bob grumbled but agreed that sounded fair. "Alright… so what did you want to know?"

"Petunia? Vernon?" Harry asked weakly.

"Okay…" Bob replied slowly and carefully reconciled all of his old memories. "We're talking like near the end of the stone age or something here though, so it's not quite like remembering yesterday. This was a long ass time ago. And you seem to have stirred up all these memories I'd been blocking out. My earliest memories were hazy, as I went around aimlessly. Creatures ran from me and feared me, and I had no idea what I was. I thought I was one of a kind."

"Aww Bob," Harry cooed. "You are one of a kind."

"Thank you very much," Bob indulged. "Anyways, I've no concept of time about this, but I'm guessing it was a century or two before I found them. Not sure if Mum and Dad ended up further back than me or just someplace else, but I hadn't seen them before this."

Harry nodded noticing how Bob said 'them' with distaste.

"At first I thought they were all like me, and I'd discovered a colony to belong to," Bob explained. "Until I realized what it was. There were two that were feeding on and abusing all the rest of them. And those two struck me as familiar. Didn't understand what had happened or how, but I could tell what they were doing wasn't right. They saw me as a threat, when they realized their… auras… didn't affect me the way they did the others. We fought and struggled and couldn't seem to really even harm each other. I'm not sure what happened or how it did, but eventually all of the others were helping me, holding them down and…" Bob stopped and shrugged. "And that was when I sort of let instinct take over, and I managed to suck the life right out of them. After that, the bodies were just empty decayed husks that could be torn apart and no longer put themselves back together."

"I take it those were the first two Kisses?" Harry asked in shock.

Bob nodded. "Yup. And as far as I know, that's the only way to really end a dementor. And it's only now that I realize, that was Mum and Dad. And that kinship I felt for all my other brethren, was because they probably really were my siblings."

Harry nodded. "That's why there's so many, but it's always been a fixed amount."

"They sort of tended to me as their protector and guardian, and since then most of them have sort of molded themselves in my more peaceful image. They can get a bit moody, and occasionally want to help a Dark Lord here and there. But it's not the politics. It's just that the Ministry doesn't call out 'Polly want a cracker?' near as often as the Dark Lords. Had Mum and Dad stuck around, they could probably have nearly taken over. We're pretty tough when we want to be."

Harry's eyes widened as he realized that. It was true. A couple of crazed vengeful dementors could have systematically taken over large amounts of the world.

"We all sort eventually seemed to develop telepathy to communicate with each other, and there were a few magical creatures that didn't flee from us," Bob explained. "You listen in on phoenixes trilling for a few centuries and you pick up on the words. I still remember the first time I ran into a wizard. He took one look at me and ran. I was so used to muggles who couldn't see us that I never bothered with things like clothes. Stole a bunch of old cloaks for us all at that point. Got to have some modesty," Bob smiled.

Harry laughed. "I cannot even imagine what a wizard would do at the sight of hundreds of naked dementors."

Bob nodded. "Was pretty lonely for a long time. None of the others ever developed the intelligence or consciousness I've always taken for granted. They all just followed their instincts or me. But they were fine by themselves and didn't need me. I took an awful lot of naps. Occasionally waking up when one of them would be in distress. I've always helped them, because I still feel responsible to some degree." Bob stopped and let a small gasp. "Oh… of course! That's why I felt a connection with Hadrian."

"Hadrian?" Harry asked thinking back. "The Roman Emperor?"

Bob shook his head, "No no, though come to think of it, he was probably named after him. No, Hadrian was the first wizard I ever talked to very much, and he helped me learn pronunciations of the language."

Harry looked heartbroken. "But I… I thought…"

Bob winced. "I'm sorry Harry. I remember you jumping to that conclusion when I told you it had been centuries since the last wizard befriended a dementor. But in the seventeenth century, I felt a draw to a wizard and became friends with him. And now I see it was because we were both tools of Time."

"What?" Harry asked.

"Yeah… what?" Sirius portrait echoed.

Bob and Harry snapped their heads towards the portrait. "Sirius?" Harry asked. "You feeling okay? Nothing too horrendously wrong?"

Sirius shrugged looking around his empty looking room. "Fine. It's a bit weird to exist in space here and have a wall that looks like a painting. But in the oil up here," Sirius pointed to his head, "to know that the wall is the real world and I'm the painting… just freaky." Sirius brightened, "Comfy bed though."

Harry smiled at his godfather. "Good. Once Mum and Dad wake up too, I'll take you three up to see Moony and Albus, and we'll get Hogwarts to set you guys all up, okay?"

Sirius pointed to his left and right. "Does that mean those two are sleeping in similar beds on either side of me?"

Harry nodded. "Yeah, hold on." Harry sat Sirius' portrait up against the wall, and then stuck his Mum and Dad on either side of him angled inward, so he could see them both. "There you go. Better?"

Sirius shrugged. "I can see them now, yeah. So… it was a success? The Dursleys are back in their bodies and begging to get their old jobs back by now or something?"

Harry stopped smiling and was blushing a bit. "Umm… success is a pretty vague term."

"Oh dear," Sirius paled at his godson's response.

"The Dursleys' souls definitely did get back into their bodies," Harry forced a slight smile and slowly added, "But…"

"I can't help but notice your use of the past tense there." Sirius pointed out.

"What Harry is trying to avoid coming out and saying," Bob explained, "is that I'm Dudley." Bob finished with a small wave.

Sirius just looked at Bob, saying nothing, showing no emotion. After a long tense silence Sirius just said, "I think I'm going to go back to sleep now until this hallucination passes or Prongs and Bessie are up." Sirius turned around and climbed back into his bed.

"That's my aunt and uncle!" Bob cheered.

"Good night," a clearly not very tired Sirius called out as he faced away from the front of his painting.

"Padfoot," Harry pleaded.

"I said good night!" Sirius snapped.

Bob looked at Harry. "I know I won't get to do that to everyone but it will be fun to those that I can."

Harry chuckled and pointed out, "You know you can also kiss those three just to freak them out, though it does mean spitting them back up and re-ensouling them."

Bob nodded. "I'll keep that in mind."

A shiver was heard from Sirius' portrait.

Harry smiled. "Anyways… umm, tool of Time? What?"

"Oh right!" Bob remembered. "Do you know how time turners were invented?"

Harry racked his brain and realized, "Nope, no idea. But I know they've been around for a few centuries at least."

Bob nodded. "Yup. They were actually created December 22, 1677."

Harry's eyebrows rose. "That's a pretty precise date and good memory."

"Well, see that's just it," Bob continued. "Most people assume some brilliant witch or wizard dedicated their life to unraveling the workings of time and how to manipulate it. And after years and years of experimentation, managed to make a working time turner."

"I take it that's not how it happened."

Bob shook his head. "Nope. December 22, 1677 an intelligent wizard, named Hadrian as you may have guessed, was visited by a mysteriously cloaked man. He handed Hadrian a Wit-Sharpening Potion and told him to drink it and pay close attention. He hurriedly explained to Hadrian what time turners were, how they worked, and how to make one. He had brought with him all the base ingredients and pieces necessary. While explaining this all to Hadrian, he was actually crafting a time turner right there in front of him. When he finished making it, he grabbed some materials from Hadrian's personal stores and a Wit-Sharpening Potion. The cloaked man then removed the spell protecting his identity, and revealed himself to be Hadrian. He then instructed himself to now use the device, and go back in time and teach the younger version of himself everything he just learned."

Harry's mind was getting stretched understanding this scenario.

Bob grinned seeing the confusion in Harry's eyes. "When the younger Hadrian went outside and used the first ever time turner, the older or present one only then realized what had just happened. And what he had just done."

Harry nodded. "So he taught his younger self all about time turners, only because he had already learned about them from his older self?"

"Exactly," Bob stated. "It was just some sort of anomaly that happened, and if anyone is the cause of it, it would be Time itself. Before it happened, Hadrian never even considered time travel possible. He knew there were ways to slow it down or speed it up in relation to people's perception. But stopping it, let alone going backwards in it? Considered completely impossible. Until it proved itself real."

Harry was getting it. "And Dementors could never have existed, if they hadn't already existed. Because it was your blood, your ingredients, and your reactions to your blood, that made you into what you are."

Bob nodded, "I think you pulling some of my magic into that memory charm may have helped it a touch too."

"Crap," Harry's eyes widened. "Of course a bloody memory charm would turn you guys into beings that force others to relive bad memories."

Bob waved him off, "Meh, you had to do it to get me here."

"Right," Harry agreed though still unsure if the guilt he was feeling was predestined too. "So what happened to Hadrian after that?"

"Oh this is where it gets fun," Bob explained. "When the Ministry of Magic, still a young institution at that point, found out about it, Hadrian wouldn't reveal any of his secrets, but he did offer to conduct his research under their official banner, if not exactly their cognizance. So they came up with the title, the Department of Mysteries, and he began an intense study into the nature of Time and how it can be manipulated."

"He was the first Unspeakable?" Harry asked more than a little impressed.

Bob smirked under his hood. "Not exactly actually. I suppose officially, it was everyone he hired to work under him that were the first Unspeakables. But they weren't called that back then. I'll tell you what happened, and this is something I don't believe anyone else knows, though it is possible that others do."

Harry loved these kinds of secrets and was listening avidly.

"In his study on the nature of time, and how time turners worked," Bob explained. "Hadrian theorized on how to make the inverse of a time turner. One that would make it possible to travel to the future, not the past."

"I didn't think that was possible," Harry said with a furrowed brow. "Doesn't it kind of go against the general principles of timelines?"

Bob shrugged. "I don't know the facts of it, but he was pretty sure he had figured it out. And so he used it and away he went."

Harry sat there waiting. "And?"

"And it was assumed he would come right back after his trip. But he hasn't. Perhaps he went too far into the future where they won't allow him back, perhaps he died, though I personally doubt it, perhaps he'll show up right here in the next five minutes. No one really knows. But his research had required secrecy oaths on the members of his department, so that the bureaucratic buffoons in the Ministry couldn't misuse and abuse their work. And so all of the people he left there were completely unable to talk about what had happened or where he went."

"Unspeakables," Harry chuckled.

Bob nodded. "And the Minister assumed he must have been onto something huge, massive, if they were staying this secretive about it. He let Hadrian's second in command temporarily assume the lead, and gave them freedom after freedom within even the Ministry. It's the reason the Department of Mysteries still doesn't have to answer to any other Departments or even the Minister himself on some things."

"So do they all…?"

"No, no. Not at all. Now they always make the newbies silent to everyone but the Department, though within the Department they can speak freely. Considering how long it's been, I'm not sure if they were even able to tell any new people about Hadrian or to keep a look out for their real boss. Of course it could be a few more millennia before he arrives too." Bob shrugged. "Nice guy though. Respected my privacy far more than you and Wesley ever did."

"Oh shush," Harry grumbled before looking over and seeing Sirius, James, and Lily all staring at Bob and Harry with wide eyes.

Having been found out, James blurted out, "That's really why they're called Unspeakables? You didn't just make that up?"

"Time itself made time turners?" Lily asked in shock. "What the bloody hell?"

They all watched Sirius, waiting for him to blurt out something incredulous. Sirius saw Lily and James looking at him. He shook his head and defended his silence, "That's nothing compared to the shit they were spewing before you two woke up. Trust me."

"What did they say earlier?" James asked Sirius curiously.

Sirius frowned and looked over at Harry and Bob. "Ahem," He faked clearing his throat. "Care to explain to us where those lovely bodies we were in earlier went off to?"

Harry grinned weakly and bowed his head. "No thank you, though. I wouldn't particularly care to, but I appreciate you asking."

"See, hon?" James said to his wife. "I told you karma wouldn't just let them go back to their world as normal."

Bob chuckled. "You're right about that. Karma showed up and kicked the shit out of 'em."

Lily frowned a little. "Even Dudley? He didn't seem so bad."

"Harumph!" Sirius loudly added.

"Yeah… about Dudley," Harry said avoiding eye contact with the portraits. "Bob, you want to field this one?"

"Sure, Harry," Bob turned back to them and just waved. "Hi Aunt Lily!"

James in the portrait lurched back from his position on his bed. "Err… buggerdee what?"

Lily gasped and through her hand over her mouth. She looked a little closer at Bob and asked quietly, "Dudley?"

Bob nodded and threw up his arms. "Who knew?"

James turned to Sirius. "Hubbajigga huh?"

"Yes, yes fine, we get it," Harry mockingly interrupted. "Yes, I turned the Dursleys into the first generation of dementors. Yes they all got sucked back into time thousands of years. And yes Bob is really Dudley. Is this really all that hard to understand?"

James, Lily, and Sirius all replied together, "Yes!"

"Sheesh, alright already," Harry sighed. "Let's all gang up on the poor little orphan boy because he makes one little mistake."

Harry saw all the looks he was receiving from the portraits and Bob's amused smile. He corrected himself. "Okay maybe two mistakes. It's not like I ask for shit to happen to me. It just does."

And it did. With a massive crack, a football sized egg crashed right on the top of Harry's head. The smack and look of surprise on Harry's face was terribly entertaining for everyone else, as well as the loud cursing and complaining Harry was doing about the slight skull fracture he was sure he just received.

Bob did a double-take when he realized the egg was coated and protected in thick stone. This would explain why it did not break. It's also why it must have hurt Harry so much. But it appeared eerily still as it sat perched on Harry's head.

Harry was cursing cheeky ancient castles under his breath, as he pulled down the egg that had landed on his head. Apparently good old fashioned skull-bone was soft enough for it to safely land on, so Hogwarts was just having a spot of fun with him. After all, she did help fuel his power earlier. Not to mention that as soon as Harry took the egg from his head, he could feel it shifting and moving. The thick stone coating was flaking away and crumbling into dust revealing a more normal egg shell inside. And there was now a large crack in the egg shell.

Sirius recognized it and asked, "Harry? Is that the same one from your belly?"

Harry nodded. "Yup. Hogwarts has been incubating it and mothering it plenty for me. And it appears like it is time."

The shell was cracking more and more. Until a grey-stone beak began poking out of the largest hole the cracks had left. The beak was shifting up and down trying to break a bigger hole, while the little bird seemed to be letting out chirps. The fact that they sounded a lot more like hiccups didn't matter one bit to Harry.

"Hey little fellow," Harry greeted the bird once it managed to stick its head all the way out. Harry didn't know what to expect, but this creature was definitely unique. From what he could tell, instead of feathers, the bird was made of stone. Harry helped peel away the larger pieces of shell that were stuck on the little shriveled freak thing. "You're a heavy one, aren't you?" Harry said as he realized the bird was solid stone and probably was one of the sturdiest baby birds ever.

The bird bobbed its little head up and down. It opened its mouth to chirp and sent a fireball right at Harry's eyebrows. "Whoa!" Harry yelped and slapped his forehead and face to stamp out the small fire. Harry smiled at the bird, ignoring the portraits laughing at 'Scorched-face Potter'. "You got some fire in you, don't you?"

Apparently, this word meant something to the little bird, as Harry swore he saw it smile, before exploding into flame. The remaining shell around the bird shattered in the blast of heat, and there was a very much completely flaming bird in Harry's lap.

Another yelp and Harry jumped backwards, launching the tiny bird of fire into the air, where it happily floated. The baby fire bird's movements were far from smooth and fluid, but it seemed to be bobbing up and down alright. Harry just looked at the thing, wondering what the hell it was. "Well that's a pretty cool trick. So can you change to fire and back to stone?"

Harry saw that smile through the flaming face again, and watched as the bird turned back into solid stone. Its little smile went away and it hurriedly began flapping its stone wings in the air to no effect. The infant bird crashed down to the ground like exactly what it was: a rock trying to fly. It did not look particularly pleased, and Harry hurried over to help him up. "I think we should remember to make that change when you're on the ground." Harry lifted the little bird into his arms. "And on something sturdy," He added feeling the weight of the odd little thing.

"That's fucked up Harry," James said with a smile. "Cute too."

Sirius grinned. "Somehow, that coming from your womb seems a bit more normal than what I would have expected."

Bob tried to imagine what else would live in Harry's womb and knew that was not a road any dementor ever wants to travel down.

A deep demonic voice started echoing all around the Chamber, "Just wait until I start drinking blood. Then I will feast on the hearts and minds of the weak."

Sirius gulped and looked at James and Lily with wide eyes.

Finally Harry cracked up. "Sorry Padfoot, but that one was too easy to pass up."

Bob laughed at how pale the Sirius in the portrait had gotten there. "I think Sirius may be lacking the strength of mind and heart."

"Oh hardy har har," Sirius grumbled realizing that it had been Harry pulling a little prank on them.

Bob lifted open his cloak, reached into his chest, and pulled out his heart. "Want to borrow mine?"

Always a mood killer to those who hadn't seen it before, but that cracked up Harry and Bob every time. Bob had to give it little repetitive squeezes to make it seem like it was beating. It's going that extra step that always makes it more fun.

Bob rolled his eyes as Sirius, James, and Lily all looked like they might be sick. The bird started to look at Bob's heart like it might be dinner. Bob quickly shoved it back into his chest and pulled his cloak tighter. "So, Harry? Has your latest bastardization of nature got a name?"

Harry frowned and was soothing the little stone bird. "Hmm… good question." Harry lifted it up to his face to look it in the eye. He felt a little premonition of sorts, and wondered if it might be trying to communicate its name. It wasn't, but at least Harry had some notice this time and ducked the fireball that it coughed up at him. A quiet mental conversation with the bird's unofficial mother, Hogwarts, and Harry nodded with a smile. "I like that idea," Harry said towards the ceiling. He looked over at Bob, and said, "Bob, I would like you to meet Dudley. Dudley, this here is your namesake, Bob."

Bob looked a little honored for that one and didn't even dodge the fireball coughed in his direction. He quickly stamped out the singed and smoking part of his cloak and nodded at the name. Truthfully, he was afraid he might get choked up and didn't want to his voice to crack like a nancy boy. After a moment, he just said, "Nice to meet you, Dudley."

Sirius, James, and Lily could see this meant more to Bob than he would ever willingly admit, but considering all that was left of their existence was pretty much dementor food, they figured now was not the time to antagonize Bob.

Bob took a deep rattling breath and continued. "So any idea what Dudley is?"

Harry shrugged, "Well, Dudley was a normal phoenix egg, crossed with my womb and weirdness, as well as Hogwarts added a mothering touch, so as for a species? Nope no clue at all, but there is one thing I do know that Hogwarts told me earlier. And that is that Dudley…" Harry paused and smiled brightly, "is most definitely a girl."

Bob looked offended for a moment, and grumbled quietly, "Pretty shitty name for a girl."

Harry shook his head as he pet the bird. "I think she likes it."

"Yeah, whatever," Bob grumbled. "Fire."

Harry yelped as the baby girl burst into flame. He was slow enough in reacting to realize, "Hey, she doesn't burn me!" Harry smiled and held her in both hands shifting her back and forth in amazement. "Dudley weighs practically nothing as fire. This is cool." Harry lifted her up over his head. "Hey check this out." Harry remembered what in muggle's minds passed for a magic show. Harry opened his mouth wide and dipped Dudley's flaming little head into his mouth acting like a fire breather. Harry carefully took both hands off the light flaming bird dangling from his mouth. He waved both of his free hands in the air, gritting his teeth and saying, "Ta-da!"

Lily scolded from her portrait, "Stop that Harry! That's horrible! You're probably permanently hindering Dudley's development."

James just looked at his wife sheepishly and called out, "Stone."

Harry started to choke when the heavy bird's weight collapsed onto Harry's face, and both he and Dudley crashed onto the ground.

"Oh," Lily smiled at her husband. "Right."

Harry was rubbing his nose, hoping it wasn't broken. "Dudley, sweetie. We're going to need to go over these trigger words first thing."

Dudley chirped a happy fireball.

Bob questioned, "Hey Harry? You ever wonder if Nature's trying to pervert you back?"

Harry thought about that one, and decided he didn't want to know. "Alright, Bob. You can go to sleep and keep your disturbing observations to yourself. I'm going to set up the terrifying trio and check in with Albus and Moony. Thanks again, and feel to completely relax."

Bob let his exhaustion go and relaxed back.

Harry fashioned himself a pouch and let the sleepy little Dudley bird, nestle up next to him and get some sleep. He grabbed the three portraits and popped up to the DADA classroom first.

After picking a good spot the left of the chalkboard, Harry mounted Padfoot's portrait. A little conversation with the castle and the portrait was sucked straight back into the wall. It reemerged in the same spot, though its frame looked shinier and newer.

"Whoa!" Sirius exclaimed. "I can talk to Hogwarts." He grinned down at Harry. "Lord, she's got a lot to say about you."

"Lies," Harry insisted. "They're all lies!"

Sirius was staring off into space with a smile. "Damn good lies, then."

"Come on, Harry!" Lily pleaded. "Hook me up! I want the dirt on everyone!"

Harry looked at his mother oddly.

"Okay, you most of all, but still," she urged him to hurry.

Harry popped away with the last two portraits, hanging up his mum first in the Charms classroom, and his dad in Transfiguration.

James' portrait was sucked back into Hogwarts and re-emerged with all three parental figures in his frame.

Lily just shook her head disappointedly. "Harry, Harry, Harry."

"Good god, Harry!" Sirius cheered with a smile. "Three Slytherins at once!"

"Slytherins, Harry?" James whined. "Really? I mean sure three chicks at once…"

"Well, I never said that," Harry defended keeping his head down. "And I don't think you should count Blaise… that was… embarrassing."

"Why don't you count her?"

Harry's eyes widened and he just shook his head. "Just… nevermind. It was an honest mistake and… let's pretend Blaise was never even there."

Sirius disappeared for a moment and then reappeared in frame. "Moony and Albus are trashed. They're arguing over what they should do in the last moments before Harry ends the world."

"Great," Harry grumbled. "Can you all move around easily enough?"

James nodded. "Hogwarts is helping us out with how to move, as well as giving us all the juicy gossip."

"Alright then," Harry nodded. "Feel free to make your entrance whenever you want to." Harry wrapped his arms around the sleeping Dudley and popped right into the Headmaster's office.

"Harry!" Albus cheered at the sudden appearance. Luckily for the Headmaster it was Harry, as he was more than a little vulnerable. "How's it shaking, my big fat gay Defense Professor?"

"Oh shut your mouth Albus! He's not big at all." Remus corrected.

"Got a bottle for me?" Harry asked hopefully, taking a seat next to Remus, opposite the Headmaster.

Albus reached into one of his desk drawers and pulled out a fresh bottle of Ogden's for Harry. Harry took the bottle gratefully, eyed it for a moment, then opened it and took a swig.

Harry sat back, enjoying the two staring at him, waiting for him to begin. Harry grinned, "So… what's going on?"

"Is everyone resting comfortably?" Albus tried.

Harry nodded. "Bob's probably snoring right now."

"Harry," Remus scolded at the brief answer. "How about Lily, James, Sirius, and the Dursleys?"

"Oh, them?" Harry asked innocently. "Yeah… those guys…"

"What the bloody hell?" Phineas Nigellus Black yelped loudly. "What sort of demonic work is this?"

Albus looked up at the snarky Headmaster in the portrait. His eyes widened to see the man's hair had been cursed away.

"Sweet!" Sirius cheered as he popped into Phineas' frame. "Magic does work!"

"Oh dear Salazar!" Phineas shrieked at the sight of his great-great-grandson.

Sirius put up his hand to block the light. "Careful with the glare off your dome, Gramps."

"Hey!" James appeared in a portrait behind Remus. "Where'd you get the wand, Padfoot?"

Sirius shrugged. "Stole it from a witch that was sleeping."

"Let me see it!" James called out from across the room. Albus and Remus just kept looking between the two overactive portraits in slight shock.

"Catch," Sirius called out as he chucked the wand towards James.

Albus' eyes widened to see the wand fly out from the canvas into a ghostly wisp of smoke that flew lazily across the office flipping end over end before reappearing in front of James as a part of his portrait. James caught it in one swift swipe. "Thanks," James called out and stunned the angry looking woman whose portrait he had just taken over. "Snippy bitch."

Albus chuckled.

"Childish, aren't they?" a ghostly floating Lily Potter chided, startling both the Headmaster and Remus into jumpy yips.

"So he killed you, too?" Albus somberly asked.

Lily smiled and shook her head, while Harry just downed more firewhiskey. "Not at all," she grinned mischievously. "Just getting used to my ghost legs." With a graceful leap, she floated right into the portrait with her husband. She took the wand from him, and transfigured the stunned woman into a couch. She sat down, and pulled James to join her.

"That's so freaking cool," Remus cried. "So can you guys get everywhere in the castle?"

"Well," James grinned. "At first that was the plan, until Padfoot went and invaded people's privacy before we were even set up."

Sirius shrugged as he was gently rubbing the top of Phineas' shiny head. "I got lost! Honest mistake!"

"Padfoot," Remus didn't believe him for a second.

"Did you know Minnie snores?" Sirius asked.

"Padfoot!" Remus scolded with a smile.

Albus' nose twitched in amusement. "That's only when she has a hairball," he over-shared.

"So… wow," Remus summarized. "You guys are a new part of Hogwarts for good, now? Not going to be possessing any more muggles?"

Sirius moved into a portrait closer to them all when Phineas ran away to hide. "We're here for good. Or at least until my godson brushes up more on ways to cheat the blackest of magics and all those sacrificial rituals."

"Yeah, really, Harry, your evil black magic ritual knowledge is barely above average," Lily complained with a sad shake of her head. "And you call yourself a Dark Lord?"

Harry frowned and furrowed his brow. "I don't call myself a Dark Lord."

"Well, you might want to give it some thought," James suggested. "You've got an impressive resume and would be excellent at it, I'm sure. Dark Lord Potter just sounds… dignified. And well-dressed."

"Stop it! Stop it all of you!" Albus insisted. "No more corrupting the ridiculously powerful freak boy! It's too dangerous!"

"Oh hush," Harry scolded. "I'm not a Dark Lord. And I'm not going to be a Dark Lord. At least not until Albus passes away." Harry theorized. "Once he kicks the bucket, it'll be so much easier to take Hogwarts and public morale."

"Stop it Harry!" Albus snapped. "No! Bad!"

Harry sighed thinking they were going to get into the same old argument about how without evil there's no good, so it's got to be good to be evil sometimes. "What? What? I already said I'm not a Dark Lord."

Albus just stared at Harry accusingly. "And how are the Dursleys doing?"

Harry made sure to keep his parents and godfather from blurting out anything condemning. Harry acted confused, rubbing his chin in thought. "The… who?"

"Ohhhh dear," Albus groaned perhaps a touch too sexually.

"You remember them, Harry? Petunia, Vernon, Dudley?" Remus asked helpfully.

"Oh!" Harry jumped up on realization. "That's right! Check this out!" Harry carefully reached into his covered pouch and pulled out the gentle little sleeping hunk of rock.

Albus looked at what Harry placed onto his desk. "Is that paperweight breathing?"

Harry turned towards where Fawkes was perched. "Fawkes? Want to meet your baby?"

Fawkes flew over and rubbed the top of her head onto the little stone bird. Dudley slow woke up and looked around.

Albus and Remus just stared at the living gargoyle in confusion. Fawkes opened her mouth and trilled a welcoming tune. Dudley opened her mouth and shot a fireball into Albus' beard. A belch of surprise from the Headmaster, indicating just how much drinking they had done, exploded into a flash of massive flames. "Not again," he moaned as he patted out his smoldering chin.

"Is that the phoenix that was in your belly, Harry?" Remus asked.

Harry nodded. "Yup. Hogwarts has been helping keep her incubated until she was born just a little bit ago. I named her Dudley."

"After your cousin?" Albus asked in surprise.

Harry shook his head. "No, after Bob."

Albus wasn't quite sure how to respond to that. "So what did happen to the Dursleys?"

"Let's see how Dudley reacts to magic," Harry suggested avoiding that question a little longer. He sent a mild tickling charm towards the sleepy little stone bird. Dudley whipped her head towards Harry and gobbled up the spell as soon as it got near her. She hopped up briefly, shooting flames out her backside.

"Whoa! Sweet!" Harry exclaimed. "Dudley, you rule!"

Remus rubbed the alcohol haze from his eyes. "Did she… umm… fart flames?"

Harry nodded. "Yeah, she did. And check this out. Dudley?" Harry called out to the bird on the desk. "Fire!"

Albus hopped out of his seat when the little squirmy gargoyle exploded into searing flames scorching his desk. "Great googahmoogah!"

Even Fawkes' eyes widened at this one.

Dudley seemed to be getting used to her fire form and started lazily floating around the room.

Harry said, "Let's see if you can do that again." He cast another mild tickling charm her way only to see the fire bird swoop down and swallow up the spell. A beat passed as she hovered in the air before dropping a heavy stone into the Headmaster's waiting lap.

An exclamation of "Ooof," trailed off into a high-pitched whine as it seemed the Headmaster was caught unprepared.

"Dudley just shat a brick," Sirius called out immensely impressed. "That's bloody awesome!" He just now noticed Dudley was hovering over the Headmaster's head while Albus was keeled over, clutching his lap. "Stone!" Sirius called out happily.

A pain-filled groan followed the loud crack as Dudley's stone bird body slammed into the base of the Headmaster's skull.

"Nice shot, Padfoot," Harry complimented.

Remus began to wonder about the Headmaster's health. "Your Dark Lord days might be closer than you think."

"I'm okay," the muffled voice from behind the desk called out. "I don't need any help." He insisted while Remus and Harry stayed in their seats unconcerned for the inebriated old man.

Remus looked at Harry, who just seemed to by unable to stop smiling. Harry finally called out, "Fire!"

"Aieee!" the Headmaster screamed launching the flaming bird into the air.

"Come here, Dudley," Harry called out and caught the avian infant. As soon as he had a hold on her, he called out, "Stone!" and tucked her back into his pouch. "You can go back to sleep, sweetie." Dudley smiled and nestled back into Harry.

"Alright there, Albus?" a semi-sobered Remus asked.

The Headmaster grumbled affirmatively and tried to maintain some dignity as he sat back down into his chair. "That's fucked up Harry. Undeniably cute though."

James nodded proudly. "Exactly what I said. And that was even before I knew she could shit bricks."

"I think she's going to be fun," Harry theorized. "A nice mix of all three of her parents."

"Three?" Remus asked.

"Me, Fawkes, and Hogwarts," Harry answered.

Remus was trying to imagine what such a creature would possibly be like. "It does make me wonder how much effect you and especially Hogwarts have had on shaping her physically and magically."

Harry shrugged. "So far she's stone and fire. No idea on burning days, immortality, tears, or anything like that."

Albus agreed and explained, "I wouldn't have expected anything involving you to be normal."

Harry didn't think today would be a good day to try and win this argument. "I happen," Harry shrugged.

James, Sirius, and Lily found that particularly fitting.

"So, Harry," Albus tried again. "Quit avoiding the question. What have you done to the Dursleys?"

Harry furrowed his brow and was tapping his temple. "Name sounds vaguely familiar, but I'm drawing a blank."

"Lily," Albus asked turning towards the portrait. "What's happened to your sister and her family?"

Lily shrugged a little and asked Albus, "Do you believe in karma?"

Albus nodded at the question. "I didn't put much faith in it before last year. Now I have every confidence in her."

"What happened?" James asked.

When Albus blushed and didn't seem eager to answer, Remus happily threw out, "He was incapable of magic and got struck by lightning in the Great Hall."

James and Lily both deviously smiled at the image, joining Sirius and Remus in laughter.

"Yes well, I do believe in karma," Albus repeated trying to redirect the conversation.

"Good," Lily explained with a mischievous happiness. "Because I believe she's a vengeful bitch with a wicked sense of humor."

"Oh dear," Albus moaned fearing what could possibly make Lily so pleased. "Alright Harry. I'm dead serious now-"

"Excuse me!" Sirius interrupted impatiently. "I think I've got the trademark on… whoa!" Lily launched herself immediately out of her current portrait and floated slowly towards the picture with Sirius in it. He took one look at Lily's slow lunge towards him and hurriedly ran out of frame not to be spotted again. When Lily arrived in that frame she looked around for him, before giving up and working her way around the room back towards the couch her husband was relaxing on.

"Not going to chase after him?" Remus asked with a smile.

Lily shook her head. "I'll get him later. I think I want to watch my son squirm uncomfortably a bit more here. As well as keep him honest. This should be fun."

"Thanks, Mum," Harry grumbled while Albus reasserted himself. Albus chose to avoid the words serious or dead and asked, "Some blunt honesty would be appreciated now, Harry. What has happened to the Dursleys?"

Harry licked his lips. "The Dursleys… right. Them." Harry weakly laughed. "Interesting story, actually…"

"Harry," Albus tiredly asked.

"I… sort of… may have… accidentally… helped," Harry carefully considered each word. "Well, helped isn't the right word. I mean I'm as much a victim here as anybody, you know? And it's… well… they…" Harry seemed stuck on quite how to phrase it.

Remus sighed too. "Harry… just say it."

Harry was rapidly losing the mental argument with himself and explained, "I guess the answer you're looking for is that I've kind of… maybe…" Harry's voice dropped to a quiet mumble as he continued, "possibly… turned the Dursleys into the first generation of dementors an eon or two ago."

Remus completely stopped moving, as he wrapped his mind around that one.

"You… you…" Albus stopped himself from over-reacting and truly began to fear for the fate of the world whenever he moved on to the next great adventure. His initial thought process came back from his brain with the acceptable response here. He loudly and indignantly exclaimed, "You did what?"

..oo00 THE END 00oo..

Let me know what you think of the story. I will gladly reply to any questions. Don't be shy about asking for a reply, in case I thought your questions may have been rhetorical.

Additionally, a big thanks to IP82 and everyone else who helped me get these last two chapters right since I had an extra week of time to kill before I could post.

This Where in the World universe has been fun to write, but it's high time I moved on to something else. Even if the story only made you laugh, it's nice to hear that. Thanks.

-nonjon

..oo00 THE OUTTAKES OR OMAKES 00oo..

"Welcome to Hogwarts," Professor McGonagall began as per her usual routine for all the first years. "The start-of-term banquet will begin shortly…"

"Ahhhhhh!" Professor Trelawney screamed as she ran past. "It's the grim! We're all going to die!"

Professor McGonagall shook her head ignoring Sybill's usual predictions. "As I was saying, before you take your seats in the Great Hall, you will be sorted into your houses. The Sorting is a very important ceremony because…"

"Oh dear god, save me!" Sybill screeched as she ran back the other way. "The grim talks! The grim talks!"

"I'm coming to get you!" A man called out as he ran past in a portrait, before stopping as he noticed the students. "Oh… hello. Welcome to Hogwarts!"

"Hi Uncle Padfoot!" Simon exclaimed loudly.

"Hey Simon! How was the boat ride?"

"Awesome!" Simon cheered. "I only fell once though! Hagrid kept holding me back after that."

"Nice!" Sirius cheered, ignoring the attention from all the other students.

Minerva couldn't take it anymore. "Professor Black, that is enough!"

Sirius raised his hands in deference. "You're the boss. Please continue."

"Let's hope there are no more interruptions," Minerva began once more, ignoring Sirius' presence behind her. "While you are here, your house will be something like your family within Hogwarts. You will have classes with the rest of your house, sleep in your house dormitory, and spend free time in your house common room."

Oblivious to Minerva, Sirius had memorized this speech and was mouthing all the words with perfect accuracy and a respectable impression of her right behind her back.

"The four houses are called Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, and Slytherin. Each house has its own noble…What is so funny?" She demanded unable to stand the twittering of the students' before her. Nobody spoke up to mention the faces Sirius had made on the house names.

"Would anyone care to enlighten me?"

"Don't tell her!" Sirius mock whispered, only get to Minerva's angry cold stare as she whipped back around to face him. "Relax Minnie, I was just… holy shit, that vein on your forehead seems to throb even quicker than it used to."

Minerva just stared at him trying to remember all the spells Harry had taught the staff to keep his folks in order.

"You know, on second thought, I'm just going to go now…" Sirius said as he exited the left side of the portrait.

Minerva turned around to begin again on the students, only to be interrupted by Sirius' voice once more as he stuck his head back into frame. "You know Minnie you don't have to be such a stuck-up bitch." And Sirius was gone before she could even respond.

She opened her mouth to begin in on the house points when Sybill came screaming by once more. "The grim! It's back! And it's coming for me!"

The students all had scared wide eyes as they saw a ghostly dog chasing the woman away. The dog winked at them and said, "Arf!"

Minerva began to regale all the students on the House Cup and how their points affected it. One of the students, who was not paying much attention, asked, "Why is that deer fighting with that cow?"

"Where?" another student asked.

"In the picture, up there on the hill. That deer has been attacking that poor cow this whole time."

"I'm not sure they're fighting. They might be playing leap frog."

"No, no, I've been watching them this whole time. The deer is clearly eating the cow."

Minerva turned her head towards the painting in question and yelled, "Great Googahmoogah! These are children, and that's just unnatural." She hurriedly slapped her hands over the section of the portrait containing the deer and cow in question. She turned back to the frightened firsties. "No, they're not fighting. Those two get along just fine. Now umm… as I was saying the House Cup is presented to-"

"Professor McGonagall?" Albus said as he stuck his head into the Entrance Hall. "You're still with the first years? What are you pointing to with your hands?" Albus gasped in shock. "Oh Merlin, Minerva, that is disgusting. We may need to have a discussion later about this behavior of yours. Now stop horsing around and get your rear in gear. You're holding us all up… and I'm sure these students are getting hungry and tired of your shenanigans."

"But… I…" Minerva feebly tried to defend herself.

"I'm going to be inquiring about bad touches!" Albus sternly ordered before remembering, "And secret touches!"

"Aieee!" Professor Trelawney shrieked as she ran into the Great Hall. The ghostly dog yipping at her heels, "Arf!"

"Ahh, such a cute little omen of certain death," Albus cooed.

"I'd like everyone to give a hand for our Guest Speaker, Bob," Professor Granger announced to her fourth years as she gave him the podium to the by all appearances relatively normal guest speaker, and she took her own seat at the back of class.

"Thank you for that warm welcome," Bob quipped before remembering that was a joke only he would get. He began, "I'm here to tell you all about the real truth of where dementors started. There are a lot of misconceptions about dementors. Foul filthy beasts they get called. Demons created through the darkest of magics, unholy terrors and servants of the devil. Some people even treat them like rock stars, with hot witches throwing themselves at others just to get the chance to fluff a dementor."

"What's fluff mean?" A curious girl asked.

"Err…" Bob considered who he was addressing and decided to ignore her. "Moving forward, these are all incorrect. The truth is dementors have been around for thousands of years, the large majority of them living in peaceful coexistence with nature. Now their creation is where it gets really interesting. They weren't born and then existed for a long time. They were actually created by accident and then sent to the past. To protect the innocent I won't be naming any names today-"

"Was it Professor Potter?" a smart-ass Slytherin asked.

"What? No, of course not."

"It was him." The smart-ass insisted.

"Look I'm not saying who it is, was, or will be, simply because if it happens in the near future the person responsible must not know what he's going to be doing in the future." Bob insisted.

"So it's one person and a he?" Another student clarified.

"Professor Potter. I told you already." The Slytherin maintained.

"Ignoring any further baseless, false, and damaging accusations," Bob continued. "It was an accident to three perfectly normal completely average muggle humans that started it all."

"Muggles?" a student asked in shock.

Bob nodded. "Yup, muggles. There was a complication with their souls being expelled from their bodies and sent to a limbo for almost a year. Two of these muggles, let's call them Vermin and Spittoonia were perhaps a bit crueler than was necessary in their life. Their son, Studly had been making himself a better person before his soul was wrenched from its body and locked from the mortal world. Here, the three souls suffered under what most believe to be some sort of retribution. For every moment they chose to make someone else miserable, they were made miserable. For every pain they inflicted on another without remorse, they received pain in return. Vermin and Spittoonia were under too much stress and dealing with too much madness, that they eventually succumbed to it and became the madness. Studly's time was nowhere near as bad, but it wasn't exactly figgy pudding either.

"Now, the complications arose when their souls were pulled back into their muggle bodies. For one thing, while they were gone, their muggle bodies had channeled a fair amount of magic."

"What?" A kid asked. "How's that possible?"

"Err… that part's not important," Bob insisted. "But the tricky part was the three muggles, two of which were completely nutters in the head now, did not want to remember their time outside of their bodies. Luckily there was a wizard, err… I mean an anonymous group of… okay fine, a wizard," Bob acquiesced.

"Goes by the name of Harry," the Slytherin mumbled.

Bob's voice rose a bit to ignore the muttering, "Who was able to successfully cast a memory charm on the three muggles. But when he did, there were additional components mixed in no one knew about, as well as several unforeseen reactions. Eventually resulting in the flesh dying and decaying on the three muggles' bodies, while sucking them back through a massive swirling time vortex of doom. It is likely the memory charm was a bit super-charged, and is the reason a dementor's presence can suck your happy memories away and force you to relive your worst ones."

"Wait a second," a disbelieving student interrupted. "Are you saying dementors started as three muggles from a relatively recent era or upcoming one?"

Bob nodded. "That's exactly correct. Now, here, according to the natural timeline is where the history of dementors gets muddled. The two parents, Vermin and Spittoonia got separated from their son Studly. But Vermin and Spittoonia had been essentially violent mindless beasts when they got their memory wiped. Studly on the other hand, knew his name and nothing else. He didn't know what he was, where he was, he didn't even know how to talk or interact with people, or even what people were supposed to be like. Until he found a wizard that could see him, he thought he may have been invisible because it was only other muggles around him."

"He hung around muggles?"

"No, not very much." Bob explained with a sad pout. "Even though they couldn't see him, the muggles got frigidly cold and caught up in bad memories whenever Studly was nearby. Something about the memory charm they received made them into creatures that sought out others' memories, like the charm was still mentally braining them. After a while, he learned how to hold in that imposing aura we associate with dementors. Studly then hung out in places he could like dank caves or what would pass for catacombs, taking advantage of his invisibility, learning about people, how to communicate, how to interact, and how to blend in when necessary. It was a couple of centuries later, as Studly was still understanding his place in the world, that he heard the people talk about the fear they felt over a certain mountain range. Now the terms they used and their ability to communicate was far less developed way back then, but the descriptions sounded just like what Studly was looking for. He hurriedly made his way over there and thought he had finally found his home.

"He had discovered hundreds and hundreds of beings like him. Dementors as they came to be known. All just milling about together, like one big happy twisted family. Studly found he was unable to communicate with the others like him, and after a bit of observation realized they barely communicated with each other. It was then that he realized all of these beings were the tools and creations of two others: Vermin and Spittoonia. Studly, Vermin, and Spittoonia had no idea who each other really were. Vermin and Spittoonia's vile animalistic instincts had taken over. The two had become mates once more and managed to produce all of the others."

"They made hundreds of babies in just a few years?"

"Well, it's hard to say how long it was, because we don't have records or any accurate measurement of time, but they weren't made the normal way, that's for sure." Bob explained. "We know they weren't humans that got turned into dementors by Vermin or Spittoonia either. Apparently, from what we've been able to piece together, there were born in large litters at a time, and it was the male, Vermin who carried them to term and…" Bob scratched his head in confusion. "I suppose… must have shat them out."

"You're making this up!"

Bob shook his head. "You have a better explanation on how to birth a male pregnancy?"

"Avada Kedavra?" a Slytherin boy suggested before getting hit by the girl next to him. "Oww, it was just an idea."

The girl frowned and asked, "Err… C-section?"

"Right," Bob nodded. "I'm sure the doctors or healers of that era will jump right onto that one. Anyways, it doesn't matter whether they came shooting out his pee-hole, ass, or he threw them up out his mouth. The point is Vermin and Spittoonia made a lot of them. And they used them to feed themselves. Apparently, the young provided them the most energy and sustenance, as they bullied their offspring overpowering them with their auras."

The students all looked horrified, though possibly for a variety of reasons.

Bob nodded. "They were creating these things, only as amusement for them, so they would have others to control, and rule over, as well as feed off of. Not the best sorts of dementors here. This is what defines the big difference between the first generation of dementors and the second.

"When Studly realized what these other two alpha leaders and controllers were doing, he resisted their attempts to control him. This led to a power struggle for leadership of the group, and eventually all of the offspring were holding down the two later identified as Vermin and Spittoonia. Seeing as how, physically, these creatures seemed able to regenerate their broken bits and were unconcerned about pain in any sort, Studly didn't know what to do. When he saw Vermin hurting another one just because he could, Studly let his instinct take over and managed to suck the life right out of Vermin and then Spittoonia. It is likely this was the first instance of the weapon now known as the Dementor's Kiss." Bob explained to the class. "It is also believed to be the only way to completely destroy a dementor. A Patronus Charm can drive them off, as it makes them ill, but even constant extensive exposure to a Patronus won't kill a dementor."

"But I heard that a really, really powerful one could kill them."

Bob shook his head. "Whoever told you that was clearly full of crap. A lot of it. Probably stinky."

"So the only thing that can kill a dementor… is a dementor?"

Bob nodded. "Exactly, and this reason is why for millennia now we have had a fixed number of dementors in existence, and only Studly remains of the first generation."

"Couldn't the others make more?"

"I'm glad you asked that," Bob agreed. "And the answer is… it doesn't seem so. Part of that is the second generation dementors are even less intelligent and more instinctual than the first generation was. And no aspect of that instinct includes repopulation of the species or desire to procreate. They only strive to continue to exist."

"What about Studly?"

Bob chuckled. "Studly, he may be, but Studly remembers his life as a human. And there are some aspects of the process that require willing flesh. Studly's flesh doesn't respond to the dead decaying wretched dementor bodies the way you would need Studly's flesh to respond, if there were any hope for that. I'm not sure anyone wants to imagine what Vermin and Spittoonia must have been doing. Not that it's even clear if it would work with Studly. It might require a female first generation dementor, or perhaps Studly's womb is incapable of holding a litter of 30 to 50 dementor spawn. Either way, as long as the dementors get along, there won't be more and there doesn't need to be. It would take one of them going rogue and nutso to even bring the population down at all, and with only one strong intelligent first generation dementor still around, they all seem pleased enough to enjoy guarding the convicted criminals of Azkaban."

"Just the criminals?" a Slytherin asked with a smirk.

Bob nodded. "The innocent ones thrown into Azkaban because the Ministry repeatedly sticks its head up its own ass, aren't much fun for the dementors. They don't provide as much food or energy, and they usually cheat at gobstones."

"Hey now!" Sirius exclaimed from a nearby portrait. "I never cheated! I could barely think straight!"

The students ignored the crazy man. A girl asked, "How the heck do you know so much about dementors when it seems all throughout history we only ever had unanswered questions?"

"Weren't you listening? If he knows Studly's womanly desires, it stands pretty likely that he knows him!"

"Wait, so you know Studly?"

"Err… you know I just made up those names to protect them, right? They weren't really named Studly, Vermin, and Spittoonia." Bob pointed out.

"See?" a Slytherin doubter exclaimed. "He admits that he just made the whole thing up!"

"Now hold on a second," Bob insisted. "I only changed the names. The rest is the Potter's honest truth! Swear to Harry!"

"How would you know?"

"Yeah! What makes you such an expert?"

Bob shrugged. "Well, if you must know," Bob removed the illusion cloak that gave him a normal looking face as the student's all gasped. "It's because I was Studly, though my friends call me Bob."

"You?" the doubter continued. "You're the last remaining first generation dementor?"

Bob nodded. "Yup, check out my finger trick." Bob held up one decaying hand, with two fingers hiding, another being bent backwards, and gave off the illusion that he was pulling off his finger.

"Oh come on," A muggleborn complained. "My uncle used to do that when we were kids."

With a loud snap, Bob plucked his whole finger off and chucked it at the kid. "Bet he didn't do that, now did he?"

The kid's scream of fright and scramble to hide behind his desk was all the answer Bob got.

"Careful, Bob," Hermione called out from the back of the classroom. "Let's keep things civil."

"Professor Granger?" a student asked. "Do you honestly believe that cock and bologna story he just gave us?"

"I'm a bloody dementor!" Bob insisted. "Why wouldn't I know more about dementors than your history books?"

"You're not a dementor," the Slytherin assured him. "If you're such a dementor, then show off this dementor aura you claim to have. Let's see it. Come on."

Bob's irritation was growing. "You want to feel it? You sure?"

"Yeah, bring it on. I'm waiting."

"I'll do it! I'm not kidding."

"Neither am I! I want it. Give it your best shot!"

"Alright, fine!" Bob yelled and let his power go.

Whump. Thud. Thud. Thud.

"Crap."

"Hey Harry?" Bob telepathically pleaded. With a pop Harry appeared into the room full of students and Professor Granger, all of which were unconscious with their heads collapsed onto their desks.

"Dammit Bob," Harry scolded. "You have to be more careful."

"I know." Bob frowned. "I did it again. I didn't even get into our specialized form of telepathy this time."

Harry lifted up Hermione's eyelids checking for response. "Maybe we should put off the lecture on dementors a few more years?"

"It's those damn Slytherins." Bob whined. "Can't I just kiss a couple of them to shut them up?"

Harry just shook his head sadly. "They're just kids, Bob. They're here to learn what we can teach them. Even if it means we have to force the nuggets of knowledge down their twisted racist ass-backwards throats." Harry wisely pointed out, "We're not here to judge them."

Bob sighed at yet another unsuccessful lecture.

Harry looked around the room for something to cheer his friend up. "Alright, fine, Bob. You can kiss the blonde over there, but one is the limit!"

"Afternoon, Blaise," Professor Malfoy greeted.

Blaise smiled demurely and greeted his longtime friend. "Draco, darling, always a pleasure."

The annoying portrait's head popped up out of nowhere. "Wait, Blaise Zabini? What the-"

The second most annoying portrait's head joined him right after. "When the hell did you become a dude?"

Blaise looked at Draco who just shrugged, every bit as confused as Blaise was. "I may have lied and called myself post-op a couple times just to get someone to bed, but I'm pretty sure I've always been a dude." Blaise flirted, "Why? Know some lonely cowpoke needing a break from the ranch?"

"What?" James asked.

"For that special someone, I'm willing to tuck and tape." Blaise smacked his full luscious lips together.

"Oh dear god!" James exclaimed in shock.

Sirius was rubbing his head. "Well then why did Harry… oh." He suddenly recalled Harry's defense of the incident as a misunderstanding.

"Ohhhh, I get it." James said nodding with dawning comprehension. "You're his Frank!"

Blaise was wearing a saucy grin and winked. "I'll be his hot dog bun too, if he asks nicely."

Sirius had to explain that one to James.

"Trust me, Bob," Harry assured him. "This is the most useful and all-around fantastic spell. It's even got the standard incantation as the trigger words, so people will think you're really casting it."

Bob sighed and relented. "Alright, alright. So what are the trigger words?"

"Avada Kedavra," Harry enunciated slowly for the dementor.

"Avada Kedavra?" Bob asked not even paying attention to the fact his wand was aimed towards the open door.

"Oh shit!" Bob called out. "Draco, I'm sorry. I wasn't even paying attention."

Harry just looked at the blonde crumpled on the ground and began trying to think of how to get out of this one.

"I feel so silly," Bob explained to the still prone Assistant Potions Professor. "I was just asking Harry if the words were Avada Kedavra and then you walked in--Severus look out!"

Harry's eyes widened a little further. His mind quickly processed all the murder-suicide scenarios that would make the most sense.

"Whoops," Bob said. "You'd really think they'd be paying more attention or would put up a shield."

"Umm, why don't we turn you away from the open door, Bob?" Harry suggested. "We need to practice on not accidentally saying the trigger words."

Bob was now facing inside the classroom. "I hardly think that Avada Kedavra is going to come up in casual conversation." Bob looked over to his left, the direction his wand had been pointing. "Oh my god. Where the hell did that guy come from?"

Harry was just shaking his head in shock. "He just bloody appeared in the middle of Hogwarts." Harry's mind relaxed a little as double murder-suicides were much easier. Jealous lover, cheaters caught in the act, piece of cake.

"Hey!" Bob exclaimed happily as he rolled the man over. "It's Hadrian! He must have been aiming to land by me in the future. That's so sweet of him."

"Oh my god!" Sirius' head popped into the nearest painting. "You killed Hadrian!"

"You bastard!" James cheered as he appeared next to Sirius with a smile.

"I…" Bob stopped. "I did what?"

"Hey, wait a second," Lily yelled out as she popped in checking out Hadrian. "Does that mean he's wearing a time turner that goes into the future?"

"Dibs!" Harry called out immediately as he ran over and grabbed the ornate instrument from off Hadrian's neck. Harry licked it immediately to lay his claim over it. "I licked it! That means it's mine!"

Bob began to kick his unmoving friend on the ground. "Harry? What does that spell actually do?"

Lily huffed to her son. "Well, what are you waiting for? Go check out the future and see if things turn out okay!"

Harry nodded eagerly and double checked to make sure he had a regular time turner with him before disappearing from view.

"How long do you think he'll be gone?" James asked.

"If we're lucky, a couple of centuries," Bob retorted.

With a pop, Harry Potter reappeared in the exact same place. "Yes! Yes! YES!" Harry cheered and pumped his fist. "That's bloody awesome!"

"What is it?" Lily asked curiously. "What did you find out?"

Harry grinned as a proud as a new father. "They renamed sex after me!"

Sirius' eyes widened. "No fucking way."

Harry pumped his fist again. "That was number two on my list of things to accomplish before I die."

"Oh?" James asked. "So you did die?"

Harry stopped and frowned. "Didn't think to ask that."

"No really, Harry," Bob moaned. "Come on, tell me. What does Avada Kedavra do?"

"Ginny!" Harry screamed. "Duck!"

"Mr. Potter! You lied to me!" Deputy Head Hollings blustered.

Harry looked as innocent as he could and said, "Moi?"

"You told me those were research partners under Polyjuice to look like your deceased relatives!"

Harry nodded. "That's correct."

"No it's not! Those were your deceased relatives!"

"Hey now," Harry complained. "I never admitted to who it was that was hiding behind Polyjuice to look like my dead relatives. If it has become public knowledge just who had been hiding under those guises, that doesn't change the veracity of my previous claims."

"What?"

Harry rolled his eyes, "As I'm sure you have jumped to the conclusion that the three partners I was using last year were Sirius Black, and James and Lily Potter. But that doesn't change the truth that I was hiding their identities and using a permanent Polyjuice to keep them secret."

"But then you were tinkering in necromancy!"

Harry shook his head. "Wasn't I cleared of those false accusations last year?"

"But they weren't false!"

"Of course they were," Harry insisted. "An experiment may have taken a wrong turn and unintentionally resurrected the souls of some people very dear to me, but I would never intentionally dabble in the blackest arts."

"So it wasn't intentional that they were brought back?"

"Not at all," Harry shrugged. "Just like I was to my parents, they were to me: a happy accident because we weren't careful."

"Well, why didn't you just say that in the first place?"

Harry raised an eyebrow. "Would you honestly have believed me? Accidental necromancy I'm told is a hard sell."

Hollings shrugged. "Were it anyone else? No. But with you? Meh…" Augustus shrugged. "I've met your parents. You're a lot more powerful but every bit as fucked up as they were." His eyes widened. "They are."

"Thanks, Mr. Hollings," Harry said as a tear came to his eye. "That's the nicest thing an ignorant elitist bureaucrat has ever said to me."

Augustus shook his head. "Merlin, I hate you." His eyes widened when the ground beneath Harry rippled and massive beast came up out of it.

"Whoa Dudley!" Harry gasped as the giant stone phoenix playfully shot up out of the floor. "No, I'm not leaking!" Harry insisted to his goofy pet. The entire ground rippled as the bird swam around the Hall floor with Harry on her back. "No my tears don't have any powers!" Harry held on as she was picking up speed in her playful romping. "You're thinking of my Elixir of Life. Whole different thing." The ride was getting bumpier and bumpier. "No! I don't you need to dry them! Don't you dare-"

Dudley dared. And she burst into a massive giant flaming pyre that singed and seared away every bit of clothing and covering Harry was wearing. Not to mention dried all the moisture from his watery eyes. "Oh god dammit, you cheeky bird." She gleefully shifted back into stone and carried the naked Harry down through the Halls, whipping him past classrooms full of students, who weren't quite sure if they saw what they thought they saw.

"Where the hell are you taking me?" Harry begged as he clung to her neck. She was picking up speed and finally shot straight through the stone wall directly in front of him, launching herself and Harry hundreds of feet into the air. She flapped her better than seventy foot wingspan urging them higher and higher. Harry hurriedly tried to conjure himself some clothes, only for Dudley's tongue to snake around and gobble up the spell. A fwoosh of flatulence signaled the end of that spell. "Oh come on Big D, help me out here! I'm naked!"

Dudley just seemed to be chirping happily about that. As she soared above the castle, she flashed into flame and whipped herself around to catch Harry's naked body in her mouth. Harry yelped and screamed, but had to admit the flames tingled in a decidedly curious sensation. When she shifted back into stone, she made no effort to keep herself aloft and plummeted straight to the ground crashing into the Hogwarts Lake and beaching an unsuspecting Giant Squid. As Dudley flipped Harry around inside her mouth, she continued swallowing all the spells Harry kept trying to cast and caused small areas of hot steamy bubbling lake temperatures. Remembering to return a gift long overdue, she clamped her beak shut locking Harry's head inside her mouth and dangling his naked body up in the air. A billow of fire exploded whenever she'd crack open her beak a little and Harry's pale legs kept kicking franticly.

A floating ghostly Lily smiled and said, "Instant karma's gonna get you."

Next to her, a ghostly Sirius nodded and added, "Gonna knock you right on the head."

The apparition of James smiled and then frowned, turning to his wife and best friend. "What the hell are you talking about?"