Movies are long bits of film containing people pretending to be other people. It's a lot like an illustrated picture book with all of the words, plot, meaning and other interesting bits removed due to budget constraints. The void left by these absences are then filled in with explosions, fights, and young women with increasingly little clothing or personality.

If you are interested in making your own movie, here are some helpful guidelines:

Step One: Find a book. The book should probably have been written by a famous author, or at the very least one with a difficult to pronounce name. If no suitable book can be found, or if you are illiterate, you can also find a movie or play that already has at least four fan websites devoted to it. If you are indeed illiterate, one wonders how you are managing to read this.

Step Two: Hire a famous lawyer with a cool sounding name to help you secure the movie rights to said book and/or movie. Make the negotiations as long and as drawn out as possible to raise hype around the film. If the negotiations go smoothly, yell at the author (and his lawyer) and storm out of the room. Later, publicly apologize and announce that you would be delighted produce the movie version of his next book.

Step Three: Scrap the whole project, because the market "isn't ready for this type of film right now". Continue to give reporters false hints that you will soon begin work on the film, and that you are considering a famous and edgy actor or actress for the leading role.

Step Four: Convince a retired and famous moviemaker to be "Executive Producer", meaning you'll send him flowers and a postcard when the project is over.

Step Five: Announce that you have begun casting for your film. Continuously spread rumors that actors of various social stature and sexual orientation are being considered for the leading role. In the end, cast an unknown with no acting experience who "shows great promise" in the leading role, and have some blonde teen pop idol play his or her best friend.

Step Six: Have a big fight with the director, announce that he or she is arrogant and misguided. Announce that you have made up, but Tom Cruise will now be playing the leading role.

Step Seven: Intentionally get an R rating, even though you chose a classic preschool children's book as your basis. Announce that you are toning down the violence and cutting the nudity, and in the process make sure your movie now lacks any discernable plot. If you desire, set the film in a different time and culture and have at least one character with a British or Australian accent in every other scene.

Step Eight: Preview the film at a film festival no one has heard of. Announce that is has gotten great reviews from reporters that no one has heard of. Invite several journalists from popular publications to interview the stars, making sure the interviews have nothing to do with the film at all.

Step Nine: Release your movie. No matter what the results, appear on several popular late night talk shows and be made fun of at least three times. Then announce that you are not at all surprised by the results, and claim it is all the Executive Producer's fault.

Step Ten: Release your film as a two disk special edition DVD, featuring bonus footage and a music video of a song played during the credits by some teen pop idol. Don't tell anyone that the second disk is blank.