Updated A/N, 7/17: Er, in light of MakoAnima's review (and Lady Samurai's too, I suppose), I've decided to modify my explanation of this a bit. Although I mentioned that this fic was based around The Wish List when I first posted it, I didn't say this was a parody of the book in my first note because that wasn't how I saw it in my mind. But after thinking about it more, I decided that, yes, that's basically what it is. After all, I have borrowed some situations and, in the case of the tunnel, settings, but the plot here is a bit different. In The Wish List Meg helped Lowrie form a better opinion of himself and sort of live his life to the fullest, whereas in this fic Kitty has to help Nat change his ways entirely and become a better person. So the plot of this story won't follow that of the book very closely at all, excluding this chapter and possibly the second. So, MakoAnima, this won't be that unoriginal, really (I'm just not that pathetic yet, I don't think.) There wouldn't be much point to me writing this if everything happened exactly the same way as it did in Colfer's book.

I guess all this wasn't made clear enough in this chapter, though I'm sure later on the differences would have become fairly obvious. Sorry about the confusion.

Disclaimer: What is Jonathan Stroud's, is Jonathan Stroud's. What is Eoin Colfer's, is Eoin Colfer's. The rest is mine, so ha! …Well, that was mature. Enjoy the fic. Comments, constructive criticism, etc, are appreciated as always.

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Accepting Irony
Chapter 1
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Running along the top of the limousine, Kitty sized up the golem and prayed that when she leapt for it she wouldn't miss and wind up flat on her face on the cobblestones. Before she could decide if that was truly a possibility, she was at the end of the car roof and put all of her strength into her jump, landing on the golem's back.

The effect was that of jumping into icy water; she felt, ironically, as if every nerve was on fire. Her breath was ripped from her body, and she barely managed to cling on to the golem. Its earthen stench made her head swim, and she struggled not to vomit.

To her surprise the golem didn't pry her off or even seem to notice that she was clinging to it. But then it made sense: the eye was in the front, fixated on Mandrake, and wouldn't perceive her on the creature's back.

Get the manuscript!

Finally, her brain screamed something that wasn't "Kitty Jones, you are the most idiotic person alive!" – she reached around the golem's face with her wounded arm, the pain enough that she cried out, and felt along the golem's face. It was so cold that she almost lost consciousness; as it was, her grip loosened dramatically and she slid an inch or so downwards.

It took a massive effort, but she gathered herself just as the golem began to bend down. She slid again, forward this time, and caught a glimpse of an earthy hand stretching towards the unconscious form of John Mandrake. There was no doubt in her mind that it would kill him, and though she couldn't say why she cared, she redoubled her efforts towards reaching the parchment in the golem's mouth.

Still it bent forward, and she was steadily losing her grip. In desperation she groped wildly at the thing's face; after all this she didn't want to fail now. As she began to tumble forward, her hand abruptly slid into the hollow of the golem's mouth. Her fingers scraped along something jagged – were those teeth? – and then brushed against a softer, slightly coarse object. She clamped her fingers around it as she finally lost her balance and fell forward off the golem's back.

She hit the ground hard, to the side of Mandrake, and dazedly looked up to see the bright third eye snapping from the young magician to her, glinting in fury. Every muscle felt hopelessly weak; there was no question of running away as the giant hand suddenly switched its course and grabbed her around the middle. The manuscript fell from limp fingers as the golem clamped its fist around her.

With an agonized scream and a flash of blue light, the body of Kitty Jones was incinerated by the power in the golem's fist. Seconds later the intelligence in the eye winked out, and the golem froze just as its hand began to stretch towards Mandrake again. The djinni shook his head in what might have been regret as Jakob wailed.

Kitty watched this unfold in utter confusion.

It was very disconcerting looking at these people from above, and Kitty wondered how she managed to extract herself from the golem's grip. But all thoughts of that disappeared as she was sucked into the tunnel.

It was enormous, and if it wasn't for the blue rings pulsating along the sides of it Kitty would have thought it was boundless. The air was kind of…liquid, and speckled with countless dots.

Upon closer examination, Kitty realized that they weren't dots at all, but people.

Wait a minute. A long tunnel, people floating…all of this sounded very familiar. Even though there was no light at the end of it as far as Kitty could see, she was suddenly aware of what all of this meant: she was dead.

She waited, but other than the feeling of sudden comprehension there was no reaction. She would have expected a revelation of this sort to shake her to the core, but the tunnel seemed to be numbing her mind. With a sort of detached calm she watched as she sped past some of the other people, most of them looking as bewildered as she'd felt a moment ago.

As she hurtled around a bend, it struck her just how unfair this situation was. Mandrake breaks his promise and just gets knocked out; she saves his life rather than leaving him to die as he would have done to her, and she gets crushed by the golem in his place. Just great. Someone was having a huge laugh at her expense.

She peered ahead and noticed that the tunnel was coming to an end, forking into two paths. It didn't take a genius to figure this one out: the path heading up, with its peaceful blue glow, would lead to heaven, while the downward-leading path burning fiery red would send her spinning into the flames of hell.

Kitty thought of all the raids, the innocent people hurt, the robberies, the vandalism, and fervently hoped that she had done some selfless things in her early childhood. Because if she hadn't, she had a pretty good guess as to where she would wind up…

As she drew closer, she could feel the heat pouring out of the downward tunnel. To her surprise, she saw what looked like the ghost of a demon being flung into the inferno. She only guessed this because its form kept changing: one second it looked like a dog, then fur changed to scales and the feet began to web before it took on the form of a cat. As she drew nearer, she caught glimpses of soot-blackened creatures with – how original – glittering pitchforks prying souls off the walls of the tunnel and kicking them down into the pit. Kitty balled her hands into fists and braced herself as best she could, a difficult endeavor when speeding down an ethereal tunnel. If she was going down, it wouldn't be without a fight.

But she didn't go down. It was just the faintest nudge upwards, but she was no longer drifting steadily lower towards the gaping mouth of the road to hell. She breathed an explosive sigh of relief.

But she wasn't heading up, either, just straight ahead. Well, whatever that meant – purgatory, reincarnation, whatever- she could handle it as long as it wasn't hell.

But apparently the Powers that Were had other plans. Whatever force had been steering her through the tunnel suddenly left, leaving her reeling with the force of her own momentum. The tunnel wall loomed before her, a brilliant blue.

It looks soft…maybe it's soft…

Wrong. Kitty crashed into the rock-hard surface at what would have been a speed of about four hundred miles per hour on Earth. Not that Earth speeds really mattered here in the tunnel, where everything to do with life was pretty much out the proverbial window.

That's not to say it wasn't painful.

-

Satan had chosen a beastly form for this interview, so it was blood-red eyes that pinned his head demon to the wall as he growled, "Where is the girl?"

"Ah…." It was apparent that hell's number two was extremely nervous: his form kept changing. Once a demon in life, the old habit of changing forms to get out of sticky situations was hard to break. But today the devil was in no mood to watch canine features poke through those of a bird's.

"For the love of darkness, hold still," he snarled, the sound accentuated by his wolf-like fangs and pelt. "Unless you want to be chained at the bottom of the dung pits."

Stammering an apology, the demon settled on the form of a huge serpent.

"Now," the devil said, "Tell me: where is the girl?"

"I – we had her almost all the way to the end of the tunnel," the demon said, forcing his form not to switch unconsciously, "But that was about when her points finished adding up. Apparently she saved herself at the last minute by preventing some fop's certain death by a golem. It's a pity: he would've been in for sure."

Satan grunted. "That's one disappointment I can handle. He wouldn't have amounted to much here below; a spit turner at best. But the girl, idiot, the girl I was interested in. I told you as soon as she entered the tunnel to keep tabs on her and make sure she came through, but you lost her."

"A thousand apologies. I –"

"I don't want your apologies!" Satan roared, "I want the girl! Now she's probably festering in limbo, when we could have had her here!"

"Actually," hell's arch demon said carefully, "She's not in limbo. I tallied up the points myself just to make sure there wasn't some kind of mistake, but it appears that the girl's good and bad points are dead even. She'll have gone back to earth."

He held his breath as the Lord of Darkness fell silent. Finally he tapped his fingers against his desk and said calmly, "That's good news. You're in luck – you may yet stay out of the dung pits."

He sent hell's number two a grin full of razor sharp fangs. "Send in a Soul Man. See to it that whatever she has to do, she fails. Understand?"

"Perfectly," his extremely relieved arch demon assured him. "I'll do that now."

"See to it that you're successful," Satan said, a threatening edge to his tone. The demon bowed deeply and slithered out as quickly as his current form would allow.

-

When Kitty jerked back into alertness, she couldn't open her eyes right away. It felt as if her lids were weighted down with lead. Every part of her body ached.

Had she hallucinated everything that had just happened? Maybe the golem had started to crush her and the blue light flashed, but it froze before it could actually kill her. Instead she was knocked out, and now she was lying in a hospital bed just woken up from the most bizarre, convincing dream she'd ever had.

It made sense, really. At least, it made more sense than being flung into a huge tunnel full of souls waiting for what came after life. It would at least explain why everything hurt like…

What the heck was that noise?

The high pitched jibbers seemed to increase in volume, as if whatever was making them was aware that she was paying attention now. Annoyed, she wrenched her eyes open and shot a glare at the source of the sound.

Sources, actually: there were five extremely strange creatures gathered around her, talking excitedly amongst themselves. With a groan Kitty recognized the pulsating blue light. She was still in the tunnel.

Oh, for the love of…!

She was still dead! She was terribly disappointed, almost enough to punch something if only she could lift her arms. And those stupid things were still talking!

"Shut up!" she snarled, and the things scuttled away, startled.

"Wowee!" one of them exclaimed after a few seconds of merciful silence, coming closer again. Kitty examined it warily. Its skin was bright blue, blending into the wall of the tunnel perfectly, and it had bulging, bloodshot eyes and black teeth. The other things chittered madly, inching closer as well. She scooted backwards until her back was flush against the tunnel wall, the things forming a semicircle around her.

"Never seen nothing like that," another one said, scratching a pointy chin with a black claw. "Spectral trail, purple."

"H-huh?" she managed. At least the things didn't look dangerous, or like they were about to attack.

"Are you imps?" she asked after a second, tilting her head. They seemed a bit large for imps. "Or foliots?"

The five of them cackled madly, whooping and slapping spindly thighs.

"No! No," one of them said. "We be tunnel mites. Once men, bad men, now mites. Imps, foliots, djinn…up or down."

Kitty blinked – the creatures' broken speech was a bit hard to follow. Still, at least they were willing to talk.

"Why didn't I go up or down?" she asked, frowning at the gaping mouths of both paths, each partly visible from where she lay on a ledge along the tunnel wall. "Shouldn't I at least be in, I don't know, limbo or something?"

"Spectral trail purple," one of the mites said, making it sound as if it should have been obvious. "Good and bad, even-steven. Girl one in billions."

"I don't' get it," Kitty said, feeling suddenly helpless. The mite who had spoken earlier rapped her forehead sharply with his knuckles.

"Girl, listen: spectral trail red, pit. Spectral trail blue, sky. Purple trail, neither, half and half, belong nowhere."

That was depressing. An outcast among commoners during life, and now an outcast in death. Brilliant.

"I don't see a…spectral trail," she said sullenly. The mite snorted and passed a hand in front of her eyes.

And suddenly she could see. She held a hand up in front of her face and saw violet sparks playing around her ghostly fingertips.

"Whoa!"

She looked out ahead at the people and saw trails of either red or blue streaming around them. The ones with red spectral trails went down, while the ones with blue went up. She glanced again at her own purple aura and felt like she was beginning to get the idea.

One of the souls going downwards latched onto the edge of the pit only to be ripped away by two of the demons with pitchforks. With several yelps, four of the mites surrounding her dashed off, clambering over each other to get to the spot where the soul had been. Kitty looked questioningly at the one who remained, who shrugged and said, "Soul residue. We chew."

Okay, mites on drugs. Maybe that would explain their odd speech. But there were more pressing matters at hand.

"What do I do now?" she wondered aloud, and the mite shrugged.

"No sky, no pit. Back."

"Back? You mean to earth?"

"Girl not understand plain speech?" the mite said, sounding exasperated. "You go back. Help earth person's trail turn blue. Then own spectral trail turn blue, and girl go up. Use soul residue."

What would she need mite crack for? It would be hard enough figuring out what this thing was saying even if it was talking about things she understood; right now everything seemed to be flying right over her head.

But from what she could grasp, it sounded like in order to make herself good enough for heaven, she had to make someone else good enough for heaven too. Great, now she would probably be hanging out with a murderer until she could convince him/her that killing off people was not a sure-fire way to a happy afterlife. That was really how she wanted to spend the first part of her death. How was she supposed to even do that, anyway? She wasn't exactly the most persuasive person without solid fists to back her up.

"Girl hurry," the mite advised. "Good wasting away."

Kitty glanced down at her hand. Tiny red shoots stood out among the sea of violet.

"How do I go back?"

"Through here," the mite said, patting the wall. Kitty winced, remembering her earlier collision.

"I don't think that'll work."

"Not think wall, think hole," the mite explained. Kitty twisted her lip. What the hell – it was worth a shot. She tried to put her confused thoughts into some sort of order.

Okay…hole. Hole.

To her surprise, the thought didn't feel stupid. Rather, her mind embraced it, wrapping around the word until it pounded in her brain, mirroring the pulse of the tunnel walls. Hole, hole, hole.

She reached out towards the tunnel wall, which suddenly seemed a lot less solid and a lot more fluid. She hesitated, then touched the shimmering surface. To her surprise her fingers, and then her hand, sunk smoothly into it, silver sparks surrounding the point of contact. She pulled her hand back and flexed her fingers. Everything seemed to be in working order still, so at least going through wouldn't kill her.

"Go, girl!" the mite urged her. "Pit strong here."

Kitty nodded and started to step through the wall, when the mite shouted, "Wait!"

"What?" she sputtered, startled. The mite pressed two shimmering blue stones into her hand. She studied them, impressed by their beauty. They were the brightest, clearest blue she'd ever seen, with silver ripples gleaming in the light from the tunnel, and if she didn't know better…she would have sworn they were singing.

"Soul residue," the mite explained. "Extra batteries."

"Um…okay. Thanks."

She pocketed them, unsure of why the mite had given them to her. What did she need rocks for? Still, she didn't want to get rid of them – they were pretty. Maybe she could use them to bribe her evil charge into goodness.

"Girl go now, go fast," the mite said, interrupting her thoughts.

"All right, thanks for your help."

"Girl welcome."

And she took a deep breath before sinking into the wall. First her arm, then her shoulder, and then she was gone, disappearing into a sea of silver sparks.