Heeello! The fabulous author is back! Go door to door selling cookies shaped like my head in celebration! WOOHOO!
Ahem.
So you didn't need to hear that! I don't care!
Just becuz I'm nice, I'm making this an extra special, fantabulous extra chunky extra long chapter! Yay!
REVIEWERS
thatpersonfromlondonyouknow: 'Ello, 'ello! 'Ow's loif in good ol' London, eh? Teehee... sorry, I'm on a sugar high. - Tanks for the review!
Mandarb and Sawa the Internet Detective: I know... when I first met her, I thought she was going to be normal too. I guess not. Ce la vie...
Randomised: Boy am I glad you remembered it. Loads of ppl who used to review mine now aren't because it got taken down and now no one can find it anymore! >:-(
And now, on with the fic!
A/N: For the sorting, I'm not going to give the authors' last names, because then they'd kill me!
Creak...
The doors opened to reveal a room so large, three cathedrals could easily have fit inside. The ceiling was charmed to look like the night sky, and there stood in the center of the room four immense longtables (plus a smaller one at the end of the room). Almost four hundred heads swiveled around as the oak doors swung open, and stared at Phishy2, notyouraverageblond and staremerald.
So of course, they did the only thing they could do:
Stare right back.
"Oh. My. God." said staremerald, so quietly that only Phishy2 and notyouraverageblond heard her.
At the far end of the room, a tall, white-bearded figure stood. It was clear that he was incredibly powerful- indeed, the air around him seemed electrified by his presense.
His name, as everyone has probably (unless they are incredibly dense) guessed, was Albus Dumbledore.
"Richard Harris really didn't do him credit, did he?" whispered notyouraverageblond. Phishy2 nodded in agreement and was about to reply, but Professor McGonagall chose that moment to explain the sorting ceremony.
"Your names will be called out, and you will step up to that stool there," she indicated a short stool on which was sat a torn, patched and dirty hat, "And you will place the Sorting Hat upon your hat and you will be sorted, I'm a cute little gopher." The first years were now looking at the hat with a mixture of fear, confusion, interest and-in the case of the three fanfic authors- impatience.
"Yes, yes, we know," said Phishy2 impatiently. "Can we please get this over with?"
Suddenly a rip at the brim of the hat opened wide like a mouth and began singing.
"Oh, you may think I'm pretty,
But don't judge on what you see,
I'll eat -er- someone else's hat if you can find
A more annoying hat than me.
You can keep your bowlers black,
Your top hats sleek and tall,
For I'm the Hogwarts Sorting Hat
And I'm most irritating of all.
There's no dirty secret in your head
The Sorting Hat can't see,
So try me on and I will tell you
Where you ought to be. (Margin of error extends to 99 percent)
You might belong in Gryffindor,
Where dwell the vain in heart,
Their pink obsession and love of meat
Set Gryffindors apart;
Or perhaps in Slytherin
You'll make your real friends,
Those loser peeps are wannabees
Who meet untimely ends.
All those of you who will be put
In the other houses two,
Won't be important to the plot.
'Till next year, toodledoo!"
A smattering of applause came from the Teachers' table. All the students seemed to be stunned at being dissed by a talking hat.
"Note to self, I'm a cute little gopher," said McGonagall. "Remind Dumbledore to buy new magic batteries for that old rag, I'm a cute little gopher." She cleared her throat and started reading out the list.
"Abbot, Hannah, I'm a cute little gopher!" Looking terrified, a blonde girl with a round face stepped up and gingerly placed the Sorting Hat upon her head. It rested there for a minute, before calling out, "Hufflepuff!" She ran over to the long table closest to the wall and was immediately set upon with welcoming handshakes and noogies.
"Bones, Susan, I'm a cute little gopher!"
"Hufflepuff!"
"Boot, Terry, I'm a cute little gopher!"
"Ravenclaw!"
On and on the list went, until the first of the three fanfic authors was called.
"Notyouraverageblond, I'm a cute little gopher!"
Notyouraverageblond stood, terrified, rooted to the spot. Phishy2 and staremerald whispered word of encouragement to her, like "Don't worry, you'll be fine," and "You're not going to get put in Slytherin." Finally, gulping, she walked up to the stool, trembling every step of the way. She sat down and put the Sorting Hat on her head. Suddenly, she jumped. It was as if someone was whispering in her ear.
"Well, now,"said the voice, "Let's see... smart... funny...obsession with cows, chinchillas and annoying songs... GRYFFINDOR!"
The last word was shouted out to the whole Hall. Notyouraverageblond looked extremely relieved and went to sit at the Gryffindor table among cheers and applause.
A few minutes later...
"Staremerald, I'm a cute little gopher!"
"What?" whispered Phishy2, sounding alarmed. "It's supposed to be in alphabetical order! I should have come before you! What if my name's not on the list!"
"Don't worry," said Staremerald reasurringly. "They probably just forgot." She skipped up to the platform. The hat had barely touched her head when it shouted, "GRYFFINDOR!" Staremerald made her way to the Gryffindor table.
Phishy2 waited. What if there'd been a mistake? But then, much to her relief, McGonagall shouted,"Phishy2!"
Phishy2 slowly walked up to the stool and placed the hat on her head.
"Aha.. oh, it's clear where you should go... SLYTHERIN!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! IT CAN'T BE TRUE!" wailed Phishy2.
"Oh, shut up, I was only kidding," snapped the hat. "GRYFFINDOR!"
Phishy2 stomped over to the Gryffindor table where Staremerald and Notyouraverageblond were waiting. "Well, that was surreal," she said.
During the feast, they met Fred and George, both with obsessions over frogs, Parvati and Lavender, who, despite their mutual love of Usher seemed pretty cool, and a bunch of other characters besides.
Later, having stuffed themselves and feeling ready to go to bed and stay there for the rest of eternity, they headed to the dormitories.
"Wow, this place is really nice," said Staremerald, stating the obvious. The room was filled with plush pillows, soft beds, TVs, computers and free bath products. "I bet the boys dorms aren't as good as this."
"And look at this!" exclaimed Hermione. "These pillows aren't even made from plant matter! It's all synthetic!"
"Wow, they even have the 'Green Day' issue of Teen People!" said Phishy2.
"Hey, let me see that!" Notyouraverageblond yelled. She grabbed it out of Phishy2's hands. "They are sooo hot!" she squealed.
"Hang on-" said Staremerald, "What's with the TVs and computers? They're not magical, what are they doing here?"
"They ARE magical, as a matter of fact," saida tall, red-haired girl, stepping out from her hiding place behind the curtains. "The TVs have Magicable, and the computers come with high-speed Magicnet."
"Who are you, and do you eat Vegetables?" asked Hermione.
"Oh! I'm sorry," the girl apologized. "I forgot to introduce myself. I'm Chelsea Harriset, and I'm the Gryffindor Girls leader for this year."
"What's that?" asked notyouraverageblond.
"Basically, I just make sure everyone gets to bed whenever they want to go to bed, eat whatever kind of foods they want, including a strict Snickers diet, and make sure that all pranks get approved first."
"Sweet," said Phishy2. "Erm, who are they, and what are they doing with those non-plant-matter-synthetic pillows?"
"They are my friends, Emma Doughty, Gillian Wartsbarrow, Dove Fletcher, and Violet Arrowood."
"Ah."
"And as for the pillows, they're the reason we came down here. It's time for the gryffindor girls WELCOMING PILLOW FIGHT!"
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" screamed all the girls.
Weell, that's it! YOu know the drill- R&R!