The Mystical Object of FATE
The World's Most Generic Zelda Fanfic!
By Galaxy Girl!
A/N: I think I prefer Lays to Ruffles as far as potato chips go. Though truthfully, I've never met a potato chip I didn't like, except for those crappy reduced fat jobbies cooked in Olestra—the fat substitute that causes anal leakage. Not that I'm speaking from experience. I really like those kettle chips, the big thick ones sopping in grease? Mmmm. Why are all my author's notes about food lately?
CHAPTER FIVE: There Is A Dungeon Coming Up!
Jennifer Reynolds was in 10th grade at Sunnyvale Senior High School in Santa Monica, California. She was 15 years old and a die-hard gamer. She bought all her clothes at Hot Topic, wore black eyeliner and mascara, cut holes in her jeans on purpose with a pair of scissors, and wore safety pins as earrings, just for fun.
She was often bullied by the kids at school because—though nobody knew it—Jennifer had magical powers. She could predict things before they happened, and could unlock doors just by staring at them and blinking her eyes! She had moonlighted in Harry Potter self-insert fiction before, but felt it was time for something new in her life.
So it started as a normal Tuesday. But little did she know, this was going to be the craziest Tuesday of her life! She was going to help save Hyrule!
It all began as Jennifer got home from school, lamenting how nobody understood her, not even her parents, and how it was really tough to be a kid like her this day and age. She threw her backpack down at the end of her bed and turned on her N64. She sat down to play her favorite game, Zelda: Ocarina of Time. But first she got up and used the bathroom, washing her hands carefully with lavender soap and proceeding to the kitchen to make herself a peanut butter and honey sandwich and a glass of milk for a snack. Then she pet her dog Woofy and headed back to her bedroom, where she sat down to play her favorite game, Zelda: Ocarina of Time.
"Why is the screen all weird and fuzzy today?" Jennifer said to nobody in particular.
Suddenly, there was a lightning storm outside. Jennifer stood up and stepped forward to smack her TV back into focus, but at that precise second, a bolt of lightning struck the roof of her family's ranch-style house and she was promptly sucked into a static vortex on the side of the screen.
Jennifer awoke in the middle of Kakariko Village. She sat up, brushed the dust off of her "YOU LAUGH BECAUSE I'M DIFFERENT, I LAUGH BECAUSE YOU'RE ALL THE SAME" T-shirt (ooh, the bleeding irony in that garment), brushed her bleached bangs out of her face and whistled.
"I don't think I'm in California anymore!" she said, again, to nobody in particular. "Gee, getting sucked into a video game is little bit harder than explaining how I could get an invitation to Hogwarts for no particular reason."
Of course, Jennifer recognized that she had, in fact, been sucked into the video game. This was her dream come true! She would now be able to interact with her favorite video game world and romance her favorite characters and punish her least favorites, all for herself and not through the avatar of a silly little blond kid who grew up to be her heartthrob!
Hearing a commotion from the windmill on top of the hill, Jennifer surmised that Link was in trouble inside! She raced up the hill on the way to defend her one true pixilated love from his obvious peril—then they could venture together and save the world, even having pixilated sex sometime down the line in chapter 6, maybe.
This roundabout introduction brings us to the real hero of our story who, exactly as Jennifer predicted, was inside the windmill and very much in danger.
When we last left Link, his dutiful fairy Puki and the two hapless castle guards from chapter two, they were about to be cleaved into tiny bits by a psychopathic axe-murdering organ grinder.
Link was experiencing the old "life flashing before his eyes" bit in what he believed were his final seconds of living. It was a baffling and confusing mess of visions, as many fans and even the creators of the Legend of Zelda series could not seem to get their facts straight as to what order the games went in, how many Links there were, and how many adventures this particular Link (Link 1 to most fans) had actually been on. Some prescribed that there were two different timelines going on, started at the end of Ocarina of Time when Link went back to the past to relive seven years, seven years during which Ganondorf was locked up in the Sacred Realm and ten years before his eventual escape that brought about the beginning of this fanfic. Other fans believe that the timeline continued from the…
Oh for the love of God, it's a video game. Who the hell wastes their time coming up with this stuff?
In any case, Link was sure that his end was nigh and responded understandably, screaming in a girlish shrill at the top of his lungs and turning around to make a wild break for the door. "LET ME OUT LET ME OUT I'M TOO YOUNG AND BEAUTIFUL TO DIE!"
"Oh, my hero!" Ted yelled angrily from across the loft, where the Deranged Windmill Guy was slowly appearing from the shadows. He was an extremely short and unassuming bald man with wild sideburns, a nu-metal goatee, and obviously deep psychological problems. He wielded a long butcher knife in one hand while cranking along on his organ, eternally repeating the Song of Storms.
Rumors flew all around the village about who this frightening man was, where he came from and what might have made him so desperately insane. Some believed he was not a man at all, but in fact, a curse placed upon the windmill by vengeful spirits of the ancient Sheikah who once lived in Kakariko.
Some said that he came from a long line of generations of windmill-keepers, and that one day, a kid came with an ocarina and messed up the windmill he had worked so hard to keep safe. The resulting trauma left him a babbling, empty shell of a man with no means to express himself save for stabbing people in the carotid arteries to introduce himself.
Some say he was just a man who had waited years and years for his Xbox 360 to come in… and it never came.
Others just shrugged that off and concluded he was a complete nutcase. I mean, who in the hell would actually want an Xbox 360?
"GO AROUND GO AROUND GO AROUND!" the Deranged Windmill Guy howled maniacally. "GO AROUND, GO AROUND! I JUST WANT TO CUT YOU DOWN! WATCH ME AS I STAB! IT'LL ONLY HURT A TAD!"
"NOOOHOHOHO!" Link sobbed, clawing at the door handle. "I CAN'T OPEN IT!"
"It's locked!" Puki stated the obvious.
"WE'RE ALL DOOMED!" Charley moaned.
"Oh, thank GOODNESS the Hero of Time showed up! I was starting to wonder how on earth we'd get out of here without being brutally stabbed to death and hung in our own entrails… oh wait-" Ted lamented sarcastically.
Link's head was spinning and he had no idea what to do. The guards were screaming, Puki was yelling at him about "responsibility" and how he "promised not to run away" or something stupid like that, and the Deranged Windmill Guy was making his slow approach, the butcher knife raised over his head.
"HOLD STILL I JUST WANT TO MURDER YOU AND HANG YOU IN YOUR OWN ENTRAILS!" the Deranged Windmill Guy said pleasantly.
It looked like the end. But just as Link ducked and prepared himself to meet his stabbity doom, the lock on the door magically released and Jennifer sped into the loft, a magical sword she pulled out of her ass gleaming in the room's pale torchlight.
"You won't hurt Link as long as I live!" Jennifer screamed dramatically. "My name is Jennifer and I'll destroy you, monster!"
"Oh thank GODS! I need you, Jennifer!" Link cried out. "I need you so much I can almost taste it!"
"Don't worry Link, I'll save you! And then we can talk about how much we need each other!" Jennifer yelled, still dramatically.
"I'm so glad you came!" Link jumped to his feet. "Here, would you mind helping me for a second?"
"Of course! What do you need?"
Link promptly grabbed Jennifer by the shoulders and shoved her unceremoniously towards the Deranged Windmill Guy. He stabbed her in the throat and she died instantly.
The Deranged Windmill Guy cackled wickedly, eyeing his first kill of the day. And there would be more… oh, so much more…
"NOW, YOU ALL WILL MEET YOUR DOOMS-" he said to an empty windmill loft, as the door slammed shut and locked behind three escaping humans and a fairy. "OH POOPIE! NOBODY IN THIS DAMN VILLAGE LISTENS TO ME."
"That was NUTS!" Ted burst out as the lucky escapees tried to catch their breath on the opposite side of the door. "I thought for sure we were done for!"
"Of course not! Not when the Hero of Time's on your side!" Link said triumphantly, the tone in his voice suggesting he had that planned all along.
"Would you like me to get you a change of underwear, Smog?" Puki whispered in his ear.
"Yes. There's a good fairy," Link replied nonchalantly. "Boxers, please. With the Power Rangers on them, if you can find them?"
"Right away, Smog!" Puki zipped off to the nearest department store.
"You killed that poor li'l self-insert author," Charley said, his eyes wide with horror as he glanced at Link judgmentally.
"The who now?"
"That girl in there! Jennifer Reynolds from Santa Monica, California!" Charley snapped. "What kind of hero are you to murder an innocent self-insert author?"
"Hey, now, let's be serious here. Jennifer Reynolds wasn't a real person. The author made her up," Link defended himself. "There is no Jennifer Reynolds attending a Sunnyvale High School in Santa Monica, California. At least… I don't think there is…"
"That doesn't excuse it! Does it… Ted?" Charley addressed his former aide-de-camp.
"Jennifer Reynolds was a metaphor. A symbolic representation of a certain overdone sort of fan fiction. Satire, Charley, y'know?" Ted explained. "Her abrupt and callous death served as a vessel through which the author could express her dismay at the prominence of that particular genre."
"And it also got me this neat item!" Link held up the spoils of the battle.
DUH NUH NUH NUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUH!
Link got the SOUL OF JENNIFER!
This is a useful item that allows Link to summon self-insert characters for use as meat shields whenever he needs somebody to take a hit for him! Forget the "empty shell" nonsense and that silly Elegy of Emptiness—this sucks a real, living, breathing gamer into the 64-bit world of Hyrule to help Link save his own selfish ass! Isn't that COOL? Heartless, but COOL!
"See? Isn't that NEAT?" Link gushed.
"Neat indeed, Hero of Time. Now, Charley, if there is a real Jennifer Reynolds from Santa Monica, California out there, she should relax and know that the author came up with that name on a whim. It was just a coincidence."
"So nobody actually died in there?" Charley asked, still sounding worried.
"Nope. But YOU COULD BE THE FIRST!" Ted broke the fourth wall quite abruptly.
"That's right! Have you ever wanted to star in your own self-insertion fanfic and be sucked into Hyrule?" Link yelled at the readers. "Well, now you CAN! If you participate in the SOUL OF JENNIFER BONANZA AUTHOR SUCKUP GIVEAWAY, you could win the honor of seeing YOUR NAME in this fanfiction as I summon you out of the comfort of your dens and into the path of whatever monster, ghoulie or ghosty is about to rip me to shreds!"
"You said it Link! All you have to do to enter is send your name, location and three full sentences of glowing praise to the author! And if she finds your glowing praise does enough to feed her bloated, pulsating ego, she'll have you killed in any number of horrible ways in an upcoming chapter of The Legend of Zelda: The Mystical Object of FATE!" Ted continued.
"Spaces are limited, so send your entries as soon as possible! I've got a lot of world-saving to do, any only one beautiful, flawless and unscarred body to do it with!" Link gave the readers a playboyish wink and snapped back into character.
"You SELLOUT!" Charley screamed to the heavens. "Whoring out ad space for reviews! You are a sad excuse for an author, you—"
Charley was hit in the head by a rock that fell quite randomly out of nowhere, conveniently as Puki arrived with something in a shopping bag to change the subject.
"Here you are, Smog," Puki handed the bag over.
Link grinned. "Thank you Puki. Now, Officers Norberto and Daggetto, was it?"
Ted helped Charley off the ground and nodded. "That's us."
"Hahahah… your names. There's an in-joke nobody's gonna get," Link chuckled and pulled out the Steno Pad of Time. "Let's get down to business and the whole reason we rescued you in the first place. What's happened at the castle?"
"It's Ganondorf," Charley shivered at the thought. "He has returned!"
"HE HAS!" Link screamed.
"Smog, you knew that," Puki reminded him.
"… Oh yeah, I guess I did. Anyway, carry on."
Ted blinked. "Um… yes. Ganondorf came to the castle just the other day, having escaped from the Sacred Realm with the help of his daughter, Genna! Now the two of them are in the middle of a plot to take over all of Hyrule by absorbing energy from the land and using it to power a giant ray gun—a ray gun that will spread Ganondorf's dark magic all across the universe!"
"Yes, yes, I believe you covered all that," Link ushered them on.
"They have encased all of Hyrule Castle and the market in an evil dark crystal to absorb energy and send it to the remains of Hyrule Castle, which has become Ganondorf's Second Impenetrable Fortress of Doom," Charley added. "They've also been capturing the Sages to use them as energy conduits for the ray gun! They've already captured Nabooru and Impa, as a matter of fact! Oh, it's terrible!"
"Wait a minute. I already knew all of that!" Link said suddenly. "You mean to tell me I just risked my ass to bust you guys out of a fate worse than death, and you can't even tell me anything new?"
"You didn't know that the castle had been crystallized!" Ted argued.
"Or that Impa is not here in the village, as she has been kidnapped and is in the back of the Shadow Temple," Charley pointed out.
Link looked confused. "Didn't I? But in an earlier chapter I said…"
"SHHH. THAT WAS A MISTAKE," Puki whispered obviously.
"Oh. Dammit!" Link whined. "This sucks! I don't know where to go now!"
"Yes you do. Death Mountain. You were going to go warn Darunia and make sure he doesn't fall into Ganondorf's trap like Impa and Nabooru did," Puki reminded him again.
"… Oh yeah. Why can't I—and it most certainly must be my fault and not the fault of the stupid author-- remember anything more than a few chapters?" Link cursed. "I feel like I'm in that movie Memento."
"In any case," Puki interrupted, "We probably ought to be going here pretty soon. If we make it up the mountain too late, Ganondorf might have already captured Darunia!"
"Right you are, Puki!" Link said triumphantly. "Gentlemen, I thank you very much for your information. Good luck finding new jobs, and wish me luck in saving the day!"
"Good luck, Hero of Time!" Ted waved cheerfully.
"Yes, thank you! And good luck, Link-" Poor Charley was not good at paying attention. "Whoa- I TRYYYY TO GO ON LIKE I NEVER KNEW YOU! I'M AWAKE THOUGH MY WORLD IS HALF ASLEEEEP… I PRAAAY FOR THIS HEART TO BE UNBROKEN! BUT WITHOUT YOU ALL I'M GOING TO BE IS…"
"IIIIN-COM-PLEEEEETE!" Ted was a BSB fan and finished up the verse after Charley collapsed in an unconscious heap. "Impromptu time for a sing-along there, Charley."
"That wasn't a sing-along," Puki said angrily, pulling out a tube of ointment to spread on the vicious, pus-filled hives rising on Link's unconscious body. "Smog, are you all right?"
"Unhahhnh…" Link mumbled, waking up slowly. "Ouchies! You still have that change of underwear for me, right?"
"Yeah?"
"Good, because I just doubled the need for one."
"Oh, come now," Ted said distastefully, "The Backstreet Boys are not that bad. In terms of boy-bands, they actually have quite nice lyrics and vocals."
"It has nothing to do with the Backstreet Boys, sir!" Puki argued. "The Hero of Time is a victim of a dreadful curse! Just hearing pop music inflicts dire injury upon his body, and unless we stop Ganondorf, the curse will consume him and transform him into something other than human!"
"I didn't hear that part in the prophecy!" Link interjected, having a bowl of chicken soup to replace all the breakfast he'd just projectile vomited. "Something other than human?"
"Looks that way," Puki said nervously. "In any case, Mr. Norberto, if you don't mind, please refrain from calling the Hero of Time by his first name? Call him Smog if you must."
"Yes, ma'am," Ted sighed.
Puki's eyebrow twitched. "Oh for the love of-"
"Come on, Puki, let's go find a bathroom," Link wobbled to his feet and snagged his fairy out of the air mid-bitch-out.
"WHAT PART OF 'MALE FAIRY' IS SO HARD FOR YOU PEOPLE TO UNDERSTAND?"
"You have a good adventure now, Hero!" Ted saluted. "Salute the nice hero, Charley!"
"SIR!" Charley waved from his unconscious heap.
Meanwhile, in the second Impenetrable Fortress of Doom, Ganondorf was giving his new hire the run-through on how things worked around his evil tower.
"Now, sir, I have mainly hired you because I am tired of my beautiful daughter Genna leaving her room an utter and complete mess all the time, but I've also heard very good things about you," Ganondorf was glancing over the man's resume as he interrogated him. "Your stealth and assassination skills are legendary, and your skills as a Cajun chef are praised by all your former employers as I see here on your resume. And I did call them all, let me assure you."
The man nodded, but made no sound. He was a tall, gangly but not unhandsome creature with pale skin, silver hair and a tight blue bodysuit decorated with pieces of Sheikah armor. Sheikah are extremely popular in these sorts of fanfics, though the game canon made it very clear that they were a rare race and almost extinct. If the game counted the number of Sheikah that tend to appear as original characters in fanfictions, the issue might instead be how to popularize birth control around those crazy randy shadow folk.
Ganondorf smiled and set down the resume. "Now then. Your main task will be to do all the things around here I am too busy being evil to do, namely cooking and cleaning for my daughter Genna. You will also be responsible for protecting me when I go out to mingle with my public. I will also be sending you on a number of personal missions, which you are to carry out quickly so that you may be home again by six o'clock in time to cook dinner for my daughter. She is allergic to soybeans, so I expect your menu items to reflect this. Are we in agreement?"
The man nodded again.
"You are so quiet. Why don't you ever say anything?" Ganondorf asked suddenly, crossing his arms.
The man shook his head and motioned to his throat.
"Vow of silence or something?" Ganondorf hazarded a guess.
The man shook his head again, more rapidly, then pointed at the resume.
"Let's see, restrictions… oh! Ohohoho, you're a mute!"
The man nodded.
"Well, I guess I won't have to worry about backtalk, will I?" Ganondorf joked insensitively. "Ha ha ha. And what was your name again? Oh. Right, sorry… Ingmar? Your name is Ingmar?"
Ingmar nodded again.
"Hahahah… your name," Ganondorf chuckled. "There's an in-joke nobody's gonna get."
Ingmar shrugged. It wasn't his fault people didn't know an excellent cartoon when they saw it. Stupid network executives… Damn the Man, thought Ingmar.
"Well, Ingmar, your task for today will be to get comfortable around here. Enjoy Genna's company, get to know her, as she'll be begging and pleading for you not to give her vegetables for dinner and I want you to get damn used to telling her 'no', got it? Er… shaking your head rapidly at her, rather," Ganondorf said, recovering smoothly at the last part. "And perhaps later we will talk about your other mission, of course, only if it becomes necessary to head out and murder the Hero of Time like I was planning to. Got it?"
Ingmar nodded and gave a spirited salute.
"Ah, how convenient! Here comes my little poopsie now," Ganondorf smiled beatifically. "Genna, darling! Come say hello to Daddy's new minion slash butler!"
Genna had been on her way past her father's corridor, moodily prodding and poking at the bandage over her bellybutton where the evil doctor had quite a time removing her stubborn piercing. She was not in any mood to speak to her uptight father who really didn't understand her, but she peered shyly into the doorway anyway.
"Come, Genna. This is Ingmar. He is a Sheikah assassin, won the World Hitman Championship twelve consecutive times, has mastered the ancient arts of ninjitsu and stealth, and can make a damn good pot of jambalaya. He is going to be our butler," Ganondorf introduced Ingmar, who gave a polite bow.
Genna froze in the doorway as she laid eyes upon what was definitely the most handsome man she had ever seen (out of Ted and the gangly pubescent idiots at school). He was tall, strong, handsome and had silver hair, not to mention he HAD to be at least twenty-five. Dreamy. She made an expression of delight, scampered into the room and clung adoringly to her father's arm, giggling softly.
"Ingmar, this is my beautiful daughter Genna," Ganondorf continued, patting her on the head affectionately.
"Hiiiii Mister Ingmar," Genna giggled, waving at him with a few fingers and batting her eyelashes, heavily made-up with peacock blue mascara.
Ingmar looked over what was definitely the most awkward-looking ten-year-old he'd ever seen (Sheik was no prize as a young man, let him tell you what). She was short, had her baby fat, and was extremely giggly and possibly coming on to him. Not to mention she was ten years old. He glanced uncomfortably back and forth from father to daughter, and finally replied with a few-fingered wave of his own and an awkward smile.
"I'm sure you two will get along splendidly," Ganondorf laughed jovially.
"Oh yes, Daddy, splendidly!" Genna giggled inanely and winked what she assumed was seductively at Ingmar. Ingmar moved a few feet away, still smiling awkwardly and motioning something to Ganondorf with his hands.
"What? Oh, you want to cook for us? That would be lovely. Hop to it then! I'm rather in the mood for a pasta, aren't you, Genna darling?"
"Oh yes, Daddy, pasta!" Genna giggled again, sending upsetting chills down the Sheikah assassin's spine.
Ingmar smiled graciously, bowed again and made a run for it.
"Oh, Daddy, I really liiiiike Ingmar," Genna blushed, fanning her face with her hand. Black nail polish adorned her fingertips. "I like him much better than your other minions."
"That's good, my dear. For some day, all Daddy's minions will be YOUR minions!" Ganondorf chuckled evilly and swept towards the bay window of his loft chambers. "Everything is going perfectly according to plan, Genna my dear. Four out of Six Sages have been disposed of, one is barricaded inside his city like a rat in a trap, and my unholy legions are searching endlessly for the other one. Princess Zelda is out of our hair, and helpless to escape the curse I have placed on her. Now, I bide my time until the Hero of Time also falls to his curse… then I can swoop in and steal their Triforces pieces from them as they lie helplessly dead on the ground!"
"About that, Daddy, I was thinking," Genna said quietly. "Why didn't you take Zelda's Triforce piece when she was here?"
"Because, Genna. I felt I should give the Hero of Time at least a sporting chance," Ganondorf mused.
Genna looked confused. "But that's completely at odds to everything you've said and done so far. I think maybe you just forgot to take—"
"I gave him a sporting chance, Genna." Ganondorf seethed, the seethe of an evil genius who has just remembered a major mistake on the author—I mean, on his own part a few chapters too late. "In any case! It shan't matter. Let the princess have her silly Triforce for now. When my curse fully consumes her and Link simultaneously… they will both DIE!"
"What do you mean, Daddy?" Genna asked curiously. "I haven't heard anything about simultaneous curses yet."
"Oh, that's the beauty of it, Genna. I have twisted the curses on Link and Zelda over the course of chapter four so that they are now intertwined. Zelda's curse can only be broken by Link, and Link's curse can only be broken by Zelda. Or they can both break if I am somehow toppled from my reign of darkness and into an oblivion of eternal white light. Like that'll ever happen. It's the most wonderfully evil thing I've ever come up with."
"Ooh, do tell, Daddy," Genna pleaded. "Please, I want to hear!"
"Of course, Genna," Ganondorf grinned and pulled out a helpful diagram. "You see, Genna, Zelda has been cursed and transformed into a duck. Due to the power of her Triforce, I was unable to curse her completely—now, whenever the full moon touches the surface of Lake Hylia, Zelda's very obvious hiding place, she can transform back into a human. But ONLY if she, herself is at the lake! That should keep her from doing anything silly, like running off to warn Link of her plight. Ha ha ha ha… and how often is it a full moon?"
"Every night?" Genna guessed.
Ganondorf chose to ignore this. "Link has been cursed so that the very sound of pop music will send his body into an attack against itself! Spewing, bleeding, rashes, the works. A dreadful curse if ever there was one. This can also be triggered by somebody saying his name. Understand?"
"Vaguely."
"Good enough. Now then… Aside from my glorious defeat—and we all know the odds of THAT happening—there is only one way for Link and Zelda to free themselves from their curses! In order to free Zelda, Link must make a vow of everlasting love to her, and then prove it to the world. However, if Link breaks this vow in any way before the curse is fully broken… SHE WILL DIE!"
"Wow, that sounds almost exactly like the plot of Swan Lake," Genna commented, eating popcorn.
"Does it? Ah, well… In order for Zelda to free Link, she must kiss him just as the sun rises. Do you see where the conflict lies, Genna?" Ganondorf waggled his eyebrows.
"Um… when the sun rises, Zelda will be a duck again?"
"Precisely. Therefore, there is no way for Zelda to break Link's curse as long as she herself is cursed!" Ganondorf howled with maniacal laughter.
"But what if Link breaks Zelda's curse, and then she breaks his? Would that work?" Genna queried.
"That is exactly the course of action they should NOT take. Because, Genna, borrowing on your previous 'entirely-too-evil' idea from chapter two, as Zelda's curse is broken, she will have an unbearable desire to sing a sappy Broadway pop love song. As these overly-dramatic words of soulful devotion burst from her throat in her beautiful princessly voice…"
"Link's HEAD WILL EXPLODE!" Genna gasped excitedly.
"And that's not all. Is it a sign of everlasting love when your head explodes mere seconds after your lover sings overly-dramatic words of soulful devotion?"
"AND ZELDA WILL DIE!" Genna hopped up and down in her seat. "WOW, Daddy, that's the most overly-complicated brilliant plan I've ever HEARD!"
"I know, isn't it?" Ganondorf grinned egotistically. "And that's only if that pathetic Hero of Time makes it far enough to even reach Zelda. Lake Hylia has been sealed off with a great seal so powerful that only ONE force could possibly defeat it! Do you want to take a guess at what that is, Genna?"
"Let's see," Genna thought hard, then read the title of the story she was in. "The Mystical Object of Fate!"
"Precisely," Ganondorf concluded, leaning casually against the wall. "Do you see now, Genna? Our plan… it is absolutely infallible."
"… what?"
"It can't fail."
"Oh. Yes!"
"Now, we sit and wait for news of the Hero of Time's impending death," Ganondorf chuckled. "He is currently on his way up Death Mountain in a feeble attempt to rescue the Sage of Fire, that thickheaded twit Darunia… and when he sees what I have in store for him outside that city, he's going to need a change of underwear. And a casket. BWAHAHAHAHAHHAA!"
Genna joined him in a rousing bout of evil laughter.
Down in the kitchen, Ingmar was wondering exactly what he'd gotten himself into. But boy, was his roux turning out nicely.
"Hey Puki," Link said enthusiastically.
"Yeah, Smog?"
"How many changes of underwear did you get while you were at the store?"
"Um, three or four?"
"Oh, good," Link smiled and crossed his legs uncomfortably, hiding behind a rock column just outside of Goron City and eyeing the bloodthirsty, heart-pounding, stroke-causing horror of a beast that lay in wait for him on the other side and in the next chapter.
"Damn that lazy author!" Puki cursed, as a rock fell out of the sky to knock him unconscious and the end-of-the-chapter came about to change the subject.
IN THE NEXT CHAPTER OF THE LEGEND OF ZELDA: MYSTICAL OBJECT OF FATE!
Link must once again FIGHT VALIANTLY!
Darunia MAKES AN APPEARANCE! YAY!
Ganondorf CONTINUES TO REMEMBER VITAL PLOT POINTS AND MISTAKES HE MADE TWO OR THREE CHAPTERS AGO, ON ACCIDENT!
Ingmar SAYS NOTHING!
And Genna WRITES A LOVE LETTER TO HIM AND POSTS IT "ANONYMOUSLY" OUTSIDE THE COMPANY BREAK ROOM!
Sounds like you've read it before? YOU PROBABLY HAVE!