Per Alicus Oculae
Summary: The team finds an Ancient device buried in a cave and Rodney just can't keep his paws off it. This spells trouble for Sheppard and him, who are hurled back into an Atlantis not quite like the one from which they came…. So AU it's not even funny. Rodney/John friendship, in their own demented way.
Spoilers: Anything from season one is fair game, but as with my last story, specific spoiler warnings will be posted at the beginning of each chapter.
Disclaimer: Unfortunately, I do not own Stargate Atlantis, because if I did I would be basking in the fandom glory. This story is not for profit, just for fun.
Rating: T for some language and complicated sounding technobabble.
A/N: This is my first attempt at a lighter fic, as opposed to my two other darker, angstier fics. So be nice! And since 'mildly amusing' wasn't a category option, I had to stick it under 'humor.' Thanks to nomadicwriter for inspiring a few lines of the dialogue.
The title will be explained in the second chapter. Wouldn't want to give too much away at once, now would we? It's Ancient… no seriously, lol. Because I say so. I figured since Ancient was so close to Latin, I'd just take the Latin translation, mutilate it a bit, and voila, call it Ancient. No, I don't speak Ancient. Damn.
Thanks to everyone for reviewing my last two stories. Those reviews are what got this one up and out so quickly.
On with the show!
Chapter 1: Rantings and Ravings
"Ah, ah, ooh! Ow! Ow! There, right there! Get it out!"
John rolled his eyes and took a deep breath. Stay calm…. Just count backwards from ten…. Ten… nine… eight…. The major would have thought that after all these months he would have gotten use to the irritating tendencies of a certain Rodney McKay, brilliant astrophysicist and pain-in-the-ass extraordinaire, but it still never failed to amaze him just how much of a big baby the full-grown man could be.
Satisfied he wasn't going to blow up at the doctor, Major Sheppard replied in as level a tone as he could muster. "McKay. There is nothing in your eye, I promise."
"Just check it again, will you?"
"I've looked in there twice already-"
"Look, you're not the one with a grain of sand the size of the Sahara obstructing your cornea!" Rodney shouted irritably. "Now if you don't mind…."
I swear to God. Why me? Deep breath. Ten… nine… eight…. Dutifully, John crouched down to the smaller man's height, flipped on his standard issue flashlight, and directed its (mostly dim) beam into his friend's left eye.
The reaction was as immediate as it was sudden, causing John to jump slightly.
"Jesus, Major, are you trying to blind me? It's bad enough I'm having trouble seeing already! Why don't I just saunter down outside and have a good stare at the sun, would that-"
"Rodney! If you want this thing-" and John doubted it was anything at all, "- out, shut up and stay still. Besides," he continued, indicating the small flashlight, "it's not even that bright."
The scientist grumbled something unintelligible but obliged nonetheless, putting on a grand display of feigned discomfort when the light was once more shown into his eyes. Sheppard ignored him, even holding the light in place a bit longer than necessary just to hassle the man.
"There, satisfied? There's nothing in there; no grains of sand, no specs of dust, no furry creatures," the Air Force officer explained.
Rodney frowned. "All the same, I think we should head back-"
"Oh for cryin' out loud…" John moaned.
"- and have Beckett take a good look at it. Nothing personal, Major, but he is a medical doctor, for whatever that's worth, and for all you know I could have an infection brewing or break out in deadly hives from a possibly fatal allergic reaction. I mean, who knows what sort of bacteria this place is teeming with? Colonies upon colonies of unicellular killers, Major. Ever see someone in hives from head to toe? Not pretty. Did you know your throat could close-"
"Rodney."
"Right. We should just get back to Atlantis before I die, that's all I'm saying."
"Before you die," John repeated dryly. Rodney McKay: God's gift to the field of science, Atlantis's resident hypochondriac. Doctorate in astrophysics, Master's in exaggeration. An expert in a "Gate theory, wormhole physics, and a myriad of other sciences too numerous to mention yet too important to ignore," self-proclaimed genius, the next step in human evolution. God help us all, John thought.
"So basically, you're just worried about saving your own ass?" asked John directly.
Doctor McKay paused to think for a moment. "Mmm… yes," he replied with a nonchalant shrug, as if to say, "And your point?" He then started to rub furiously at his left eye. "Ahh, it itches! What if it starts oozing?"
"Nice mental picture, McKay, really. Thanks for that."
"Look," Rodney screamed, a horrified look on his face as he pointed, "it's all red!"
"Because you're rubbing at it."
John was content with watching the spectacle before him, the short scientist walking aimlessly in circles, one hand clutching at his eye while he continued to spout off about the different ways the said organ would cause his untimely death. It was all rather amusing, really. Not for one moment did Major Sheppard believe Rodney was in any sort of imminent danger, at any risk of suffering a health hazard, and he certainly knew the man wasn't going to drop dead. If there was anything that endangered the lives of any one of the members of his team, John would be the first to pull out. But this was just ridiculous. Rodney had sunk to a new low. Hell, there wasn't even anything in his eye….
For the first time, John really looked around at the cavern he and his team were currently in. It was dark, dank, smelled to high Heaven, and small - about the size of an average living room, with one entrance. Stalagmites and stalactites covered the ceiling and floor, like fingers reaching toward each other. Numerous fissures and outcroppings adorned the walls of the cave, some hiding the evidence of the Ancients that had once been here. Their trademark architecture was unmistakable, but most signs of civilization had been worn away by thousands of years of erosion. Nature had a bad habit of doing that.
In fact, it was those left over marks of Ancient society that had brought them here to P7G-117 in the first place. Hoping to discover some useful technology, Sheppard's team had learned this was once one of many Ancient outposts, similar to the one in Antarctica. This one, though, had fared the test of time far worse.
They had only been here an hour or so and already they were bored to tears; there was nothing to be found either within or outside the cavern. John looked at his team: Rodney, still doing his happy dance in the corner, Teyla, guarding the entrance but looking as if she was about to fall asleep, and Ford, staring blankly at one of the back walls.
Sighing, the major realized there was nothing here worth staying for.
"All right, McKay, you've got your wish. Everyone, let's pack it up and head out."
Teyla's head suddenly jerked upright, shaking the boredom from her body. What she had just heard John say had been music to her ears, though she would never admit it. Immediately, she shouldered her gear and headed for the exit.
"It's about time," McKay grumbled, following suit. "We should radio ahead and inform Carson of our situation."
Situation? John thought. What situation? That McKay's at it again?
Rodney continued, dead serious. "Tell him we need a quarantine zone in the Jumper Bay, an eye wash, antibiotics, possibly a defibrillator-"
"Doctor McKay!" Ford called from across the cavern. He was still staring at the back wall.
All three teammates turned simultaneously to see what in the world was keeping them in this God forsaken armpit of the Pegasus Galaxy one more second longer than necessary.
"Doctor McKay," came the call again. "I think you should see this!"
"Yes, 'see' being the operative word now, isn't it?" came the cynical reply. Still fidgeting with his eye, he continued. "I'm lucky I don't walk into a wall and suffer a concussion. Then what would Atlantis do? Oh boy, I can picture Zelenka now, trying to run a diagnostic on the ZPM by himself-"
"I think it's some sort of Ancient device," the lieutenant interrupted, puzzlement creasing his features as he continued to look at what he had uncovered.
This got Rodney's attention. He instantly forgot about his 'affliction' as the hand fell from his eye and he dropped his gear to the ground. "Oh?" he asked, interested.
John rolled his eyes once more. Somehow it didn't surprise him at all that McKay could turn off the injured routine just as quickly as he had turned it on.
"A ZPM maybe?" wondered Teyla aloud.
"No… I don't think so," Aiden answered. "It's got more gizmos and doodads on it than a ZPM does."
Upon hearing the words 'gizmos' and 'doodads,' the astrophysicist did his best impression of an Olympic sprinter over to where Ford was kneeling.
So much for all the horrible pain he was in, Sheppard thought as he and Teyla reluctantly followed.
Rodney ran his hands up and down the device. It was about the two feet tall and cylindrical in shape with a flat, bulky, rectangular base. What is it with Ancients and cylinders anyway? he wondered. Ford was right: it did have more buttons and switches on its face than a ZPM did, but what they did he could only begin to speculate.
Teyla, Sheppard, and Ford stood back, watching in silence and expectation as the doctor continued to poke and prod at the device for several minutes. John was growing visibly irritated; watching his friend press, pinch, push, twist, and tap every square inch of his new toy wasn't exactly his idea of fun.
"You know, Rodney, you have to stop touching that thing like that or people will start talking," he taunted.
McKay stopped what he was doing and threw John a displeased look. "Har har, Major." Would the rest of his team ever grow up? Couldn't they see what he was doing was of extreme scientific importance? "Why wasn't this found earlier?" he demanded.
John didn't miss a beat. "Oh, gee, I don't know. Maybe it was because half the team was too busy trying to dig that supposed ever-crafty, ever-cunning grain of sand out of a certain crybaby's eye to be involved in mere scientific matters. Boy, that grain of sand, he sure got us. He was allusive, that one."
Ford couldn't help but laugh. Despite being the only one doing his duty, he had heard the earlier verbal sparring match between his CO and Rodney. They weren't that uncommon; the two friends went at it all the time. Ford and Teyla were usually wise enough to stay out of it. But this had been one of the better ones.
"I don't appreciate your sarcasm, Major. There was nothing 'supposed' about it; it was really in there." McKay turned back to the device and way from the group, like a schoolboy going to pout in the corner. "Anyway, I think we should stay so I can take some readings and measurements."
He was met by three distinctive moans.
"Stay?" Ford asked. "Weren't you the one ready to hightail it out of here just a second ago?"
"Yeah," John added. "What happened to the Sahara Desert being in your eye? Did the sandstorm magically disappear?"
"I'm glad you're all having heaps of fun at my expense, but I can assure you I am still in quite a great deal of discomfort," Rodney explained.
Teyla stifled a laugh.
"But this device here is far more important than any one man."
Oh no. Is this his attempt at sounding all self-sacrificing and noble? John wondered. Please, spare me….
"So if I must endure excruciating pain a little while longer than I must; what can I say? There's no telling what sort of information we can gather from this, and while I do appreciate your concern for my well-being, I'm going to have to decline your offer to leave. No, not me. Rodney McKay is staying because he's a trooper and he'll tough it out no matter what. Through thick and thin, come rain or…." He fumbled, forgetting how the phrase went. "Neither sleet nor…." Dammit. Stupid idiom. Desperately, he tried to recover. "Never faltering, unwavering… uh… I get the job done."
He concluded his speech, clearly pleased with himself. Ford looked sick to his stomach, mouth agape. Teyla had turned away, not wanting to offend Rodney with her laughter. John just stared at Dr. McKay, a small smile on his lips. He had to admit, that was a good one. Could he have laid on the cheese any thicker?
"Finished?" Sheppard asked lightly.
McKay nodded.
John's tone turned serious. "Good. Let's go."
The smug expression vanished from the scientist's face, replaced instead by one of shock and confusion.
"What? You can't be serious! I can't just leave now, after finding… finding… this!" He realized he still didn't even know what 'this' was.
"McKay, you still don't even know what 'this' is," John reasoned.
Damn him. "Which is why we have to stay! To find out, to study it!"
"Oh, no, no, no," came back the major, who once again began shouldering his pack. "We don't have to do anything. You can stay. You can study it. We're going home."
Teyla and Ford remained silent, watching the other two members of the team trade their respective lines of reasoning. Their heads went back and forth as each one spoke, like watching a tennis match.
"What, you're not going to just leave me here?" McKay cried, now panicked.
As a response, the major turned and began to walk away. Teyla and Ford followed suite.
"Major!"
No answer.
"John! You can't be serious!"
Sheppard threw him a wave over his shoulder without looking back and exited the cave. A devilish grin he was glad Rodney couldn't see played upon his face.
Rodney was suddenly alone with only the device to keep him company. "Fine!" he shouted at the exit. He didn't need them anyway. He was smarter than all three of them combined. What did two military types and an Athosian know about Ancient technology anyway?
John halted his team just outside the exit, out of Rodney's line of sight.
"Sir, we're really not going to leave him…. Are we?" Ford asked.
"No, of course not. Tempting, but no. Besides, I give him one minute before he comes running out of that cavern like a bat out of hell."
"One minute?" Teyla posed. "Do you not think you are not giving Doctor McKay enough credit?"
John and Aiden looked at Teyla, deadpan. This was Rodney they were talking about. Left alone. In a dark cave.
"Perhaps not…" she reconsidered.
"One minute," John reaffirmed, and they began the wait.
Crouched over the device, Rodney began to study it once more. He'd been over it dozens of times already; did he really expect to find something he hadn't already uncovered, especially in this damned poor light?
Something behind the device, however, caught his eye. It was etched in the rock wall of the crevasse the device had been found in, and it looked like writing. Ancient maybe? Whatever it was, some of it was rubbed off, and what good was writing if you couldn't read the text in its entirety? McKay shrugged. Who cares? He'd leave that to the anthropologists; this baby here was his. Besides, it was probably some inane little verse the Ancients had written about some silly little-
A sound to his left interrupted his thoughts. The scratching of a loose pebble rolling across the floor echoed in the chamber.
Relax, it's just a rock…. But something must have knocked it out of place. Or someone….
The steady drip… drip… drip of water of one of the stalactites was driving him insane… and quite frankly really creeping him out. Suddenly the darkness seemed to press down upon him, and he felt even more alone - if that was at all possible. Did the temperature just drop in here?
The clatter of the next rock hitting the stone wall froze him in place. "It's just a rock…" he laughed nervously.
But as soon as the aforementioned item rolled to a stop at his feet, the timid astrophysicist was up in a flash, venturing to see just how heavy the Ancient device was. Not too heavy at all.
Good.
With that, McKay lifted the contraption, hurriedly hoisted his gear, and ran for dear life toward the exit.
"Dr. Weir, this is Sheppard. Come in," John tried over his radio. The Stargate, only a few dozen yards away, had established a wormhole back to Atlantis in preparation for their departure.
After a few moments silence, a concerned female voice on the other side responded. "Major, you're a bit early. Trouble?"
John grinned; she knew him all too well. He and his team had a nasty habit of running into… snags on missions. He'd like to think of it more as a case of trouble following him around wherever he went rather than it being he himself who caused all the trouble. At least that was what he kept telling himself. It was his story and he was stickin' to it.
"Boredom is more like it, Elizabeth. There is absolutely nothing here, except what McKay thinks is some sort of Ancient gadget. He's bringing it back for study."
"Can't he study it there on site?" Elizabeth asked. Usually, it was what the scientist preferred, to gather some information from the area initially before returning back to base.
John turned to his teammates and glanced at his watch. In three… two… one….
Three sets of eyes turned to the entrance to the cavern. Right on cue, Rodney came hurling through the brush that covered the mouth of the cave with the device cradled in his arms and gear flailing wildly out behind him. Clearly, he was out of breath from his daunting flight from the unseen terrors of the frightening cave, and his eyes were as wide as saucers.
Major Sheppard smiled, victorious. "McKay insists," he answered Elizabeth.
"All right, if that's what he wants. You're clear to come through anytime, Major."
"Copy. See you in a few."
Switching off his radio, John glanced at Rodney with feigned curiosity. "What's the rush, McKay?" he asked with casual indifference. "Something spook you in there?"
The scientist in question, who had slowed his breakneck flight to the leisurely and deliberate pace of his now what he liked to call 'strategic withdrawal,' brushed his hands together as if it was nothing. Holding his head high in an effort to mask his absolute fright, he walked right past the group and continued on to the Stargate.
"Just heard some noises, that's all." He cleared his throat. "Now if you don't mind, if we could all kindly move along, I have some important work to do that cannot wait because of your idle chitchat. Thank you."
Teyla, John, and Aiden all shared in a knowing look before following Rodney back toward the Gate. Teyla allowed her CO to pass before placing a hand on Aiden's shoulder, stopping him.
"I suppose I will just pretend I did not see those rocks you were throwing into the cave while we were waiting for Doctor McKay to rejoin us," she informed the lieutenant, letting him know she knew damn well what he had been up to.
Ford gave her his best innocent look. "I have no idea what you're talking about."
With a devious grin Teyla couldn't help but compare to the major's - the lieutenant is spending too much time with Major Sheppard, Teyla thought - Aiden stepped through the event horizon and back home.
TBC
Okay, you all know how much I looooveee reviews...
Seriously, how was it? More verbal sparring matches to come, plus a little bit of trouble for our favorite scientist and pilot.