HI EVERYBODY! I know it's been forever and a day since I updated this story but I'm back!

-Gives a Coke slushy to everyone who reviewed-

Hermione-April- Well, I'm glad you like my story so much but please do not go all emo and kill yourself. Ah those emo kids…Well, I have updated. You get an after-dinner mint because you mentioned emo kids.

Jules- No I have not given up. I'm sorry it took so long to update. But I'm back now! You definitely get a mint after all that randomness. Pot-smoking kangaroos are the best. I'm sorry Ginny's poems make you forget to urinate.

magic cheese- Your review made me giggle. I'm glad you like my story. You get an after dinner-mint. I'm thinking that you are the Jules up there because your profile says your name is Jules, but just in case you're not, I gave separate responses. I like clean penguins. It's so cool that your brother's name is Jonas. I'd be singing "My Name is Jonas" to my brother all the time if that was his name. But sadly it's not. H/Hr shippers should die and go to hell. I love Garbage! The band…not trash. Trash is gross. Garbage rocks. I always feel like I've forgotten something when I leave for school too! And my favorite color is also blue. I can't believe you like doing laundry! Oh my God. Me too! You're cool.

dixio- Aw. You get an after-dinner mint because you called me brilliant. Also, I think it's super cool that you recommended my fics on your profile. That makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside.

Fanficky-chicky- I'm glad you like it! You get an after-dinner mint because you said wah! and I like your name.

Seikou- Of course you get a mint. Vince is like a slushy? Ha ha…Ass off my laugh.

Rereviewing- This is your favorite story ever? Aw! Thanks. What name do you usually use when reviewing?

MsMcCartney- I'm glad you like my story. You get a mint because you asked so nicely.

random crazy fan- Oh my Ghandi! That's so sweet that you would have created an account just so you could review for me! I'm glad you like my story so much! You get a mint because your review was super long and cool and because you used he word "superb".

Risifruttiii- I'm glad you like it. You get a mint because you said I was your hero. You like good music. That's awesome.

Silver Ice- I'm glad you like! You get a mint because you said "tickle my pickle".

Prunelle- Thanks, I'm glad you like it. The hippos get you the mint, the cherries get you the straw for your slushy.

LadyDelaidra- You made me giggle. I'm glad you like it. You get a mint because you gave me a hug and you said "uber".

pettybureacrat- I'm so glad you like my story! And I think it's super cool that you're older and you read Harry Potter. That rocks. For that, you get a mint!

ZadieCrowe- I miss you! You get a mint! I didn't know you and Kurt had gotten back together. Woot for that!

Azu Luna- Haha! Hermypants and Ronnieskittles! "Bang-bang-choo-choo-train-get-up-on-it-and-ride-that-thang...thang." You make me laugh so hard. You get a whole box of after-dinner mints. Yes, the name Azu Luna does kicketh the ass. You rock my mushroom necklace! Ha ha…chocolate-covered shamrock pairing…

Jessibelle- Hi! I miss you. I was sad to see how unorganized your review was (just kidding). You get a mint anyway because you're you. Though, I shouldn't be supporting your habit. Love ya! I believe your birthday was March 2nd, correct? Well, happy belated birthday! Also, I GOT A JOB! Woot.

Hiba- LMAO! "I thought you died" booked an after-dinner mint for you.

Ellen-boot- Matt. Martha Stewart does suck. I'm glad you like my writing. You definitely get a mint.

reflectivelvet- You get an after-dinner mint because you said I fucking rock and because you're you. It is fucking crazy as hell that Nic and Spencer are roommates. How small is this world that you rule anyway?

Blonde-Existentionalist- Hee hee…you get a mint. I liked your review. Also, I shall give you a slushy that is both Cherry and Coke. As for your question…I have no idea. Use your imagination. LOL.

alBBie- Okay, you get like a whole box of mints and two slushies. You are hilarious. I don't think I'm that funny. I too love Boy Meets World and Blue's Clues (definitely one with Steve, Joe sucks). It's weird you say that because Steve makes an appearance in this fic very soon. No, I've never seen the Wal-Mart episode of South Park because I don't watch South Park. I really don't know how I get so many reviews. It's just luck I guess because I really don't think I'm that good of a writer. But others seem to like my stories so I guess I don't suck too badly. Of course I read your whole review! I loved it. I love getting mad props yo.

bebechus- You're so sweet. You get a mint because you said this was one of the best stories you've ever read and because you used your CAPS LOCK.

anonymous yodeler- Ha ha…you get a mint because your review made me laugh and because I love the name you signed with.

CHICKENS of DOOM- Ha ha…oh God. You definitely get a mint.

Neko-Arisa- You get a mint because you said the word "uber". Hermione will definitely let you borrow her One Thousand and Four Ways to Have Sex with People on Books book.

Thanks so much to Candi, lebebew, Ariel, mkanda, Meditation6, YoukaiGirl13, and KarlaBob for reviewing.

This chapter is dedicated to anybody out there who has put me on their favorites list for any of my stories. You rock.

Chapter 14: Sleep Talk and Ignorance

Collin, who was still curled up on the floor, snored loudly in his sleep as they all sat around the common room. Hermione walked over to the fire. She was in a little bit of pain having lost her virginity the night before. Said pain was causing her to walk like a duck that's just lost its virginity the night before.

"Oh yes, spank me hard, Betsy!" Collin yelled in his sleep.

Everyone ignored him.

"Holy roach clips!" Harry exclaimed. "Why are you waddling like a duck that's just lost its virginity last night, Hermione?"

"Oh…I'm doing an experiment to see if the reason a duck's quack doesn't echo has anything to do with the fact that it walks like this." She demonstrated by waddling over to the couch where she sat down next to Ron.

"Wait a minute!" Ginny yelped. "I know that walk! You had sex didn't you?"

"No!" Hermione lied. She felt that sex was an intimate thing that shouldn't be shared with anyone. Also, she wanted everyone to think she was a virgin still. "We didn't have sex, did we Ron?"

"No…No…Yes-we-did!" Ron said proudly.

"Holy baboon eggs!" Harry exclaimed.

"I'm not putting on the cow outfit again, Daddy. I'm not!" Collin squealed.

They ignored him.

"Ooh!" Ginny squealed. "I've just written a poem in my head for the occasion." She stood up, holding her belly, cleared her throat and began:

"Sexual acts

Are nice

With the orgasms

Unless you have to fake it

And then still get pregnant

That sucks

Oh yes

So romantic is the line

'When are you going to let me hit it?'

Fuck fun is fucking fun

Be careful

'Cause you're dealin' with some thugs

Who like to hit it from back

Don't bust on my stomach again, dickhead

Wax that ass bitch

Thank you."

Everybody applauded her as she bowed, almost toppling over because her belly was so big. She threw her gang signs into the air.

"Holy waffle maker!" Harry exclaimed. "I never knew you could be so gangster, Ginny."

At that moment Matt the Ghost flew in through the wall.

"Oh, it's you," Hermione said as she threw her diaphragm into the hole that lead to the fiery pits of hell in the middle of the room, thankful for a distraction. "I wanted to ask you how you died."

"Just put it in your mouth!" Collin stated.

They all ignored him.

There was silence.

"Well…?" Hermione said impatiently.

"Well…what?" Matt said. "You said you wanted to ask me how I died. You didn't actually ask. Therefore I'm not in any way obligated to give an answer of any sort until you in fact come out and ask the question."

"It's only electricity! It's not going to hurt you!" Collin said.

They ignored him.

"Fine," Hermione replied. "How did you die?"

"Well," Matt began as he straightened his trench coat, "it's a very exciting tale. You see, I like to take long walks in the woods when I'm really drunk and read these books about this kid who thinks he's just like a normal person and then it turns out he can do magic and shit. I can't remember the name of them though. Anywho, this one day I was doing that very thing when out of nowhere these guys dressed up like Power Rangers came up from behind me and stole my lollipop!"

"Holy banana hammocks!" Harry exclaimed.

"I know right," Matt said. "That green one was a tricky little bastard. Well, then if that wasn't enough…I was trying to get back home and I was very gloomy because man did I want that lollipop. Anyway…All of a sudden this giant weasel comes charging at me at full speed carrying an orange drop cord and a knife."

"I told you giving Peter those Reese's Pieces® would lead him into a false sense of security!" Collin bellowed.

They ignored him.

"So that's how you died?" Hermione asked, trying to cross her legs but then realizing that was a bad idea. "The weasel stabbed you?"

"No," Matt answered as if that was the dumbest thing anyone could have said. "The weasel did kill me but it lashed me with the drop cord. I died from highlighter poisoning."

"What does that have to do with the weasel?" Hermione asked.

"You are so insensitive!" Matt yelled. With that he dived through the floor.

"I used to eat erasers," Collin commented.

He was ignored yet again.

"Ron," Hermione said abruptly. "Will you come with me to check on my leaf collection?"

"Sure," said Ron. He was a lot more cooperative now that he was getting laid. He had the sneaking suspicion that he was going to get some if he went upstairs because as everyone knows, the phrase "Will you come upstairs with me to check on my leaf collection?" actually means "Will you come upstairs with me and fuck my brains out?"

They walked upstairs to the girls' dormitory where Hermione pulled a box full of dried leaves out from under her bed and caressed each of them while Ron watched. For some odd reason this action made him extremely horny. He poked Hermione in the hip with his wand.

"Hey!" she cried. "Watch where you're sticking that thing!"

"I think we should have sex," Ron stated matter-of-factly, as he put his wand back into his pocket.

"I don't have any more condoms Ron," Hermione answered. "We used all five of the ones I had last night."

"Oh, yeah," Ron said, grinning broadly.

"I don't know what you're looking so smug about," Hermione said with irritation. "The only reason we used five is you spent two minutes each on the first four. And then you only spent fifteen with the last one. Honestly, I don't know why it is that you guys can hold back forever with oral and manual sex but you turn into minute-men when it comes to actually fucking."

Ron was gloomy. Hermione put her leaf collection back under her bed. And they went back downstairs. Collin was thrashing around on the floor like a fish out of water and everyone would have been graping…I mean gaping at him if they weren't so busy ignoring him.

"Boy do I like it rough!" he called out, still sleeping.

They ignored him.

All of the sudden they heard a scream. They all rushed out into the hallway where they found Matt the ghost huddling in the fetal position in the air looking as though he'd just seen a gho…wait…

Their eyes traveled to where he was staring which was across the hall. They all graped…I mean gaped. It was Tori dressed in her giant weasel costume and riding her tri-ped unicycle.

"Hiya!" she said. Then she turned to Harry. "I told you we'd see each other again, Mr. Weepypants."

To be continued…

Poo. Kill me. Kill me now.

The next chapter will be better and longer. I promise. I need some inspiration. Please review.

Will everyone stop ignoring Collin? How many peppers did Peter Piper pick? Why isn't there a law against people wearing Hollister shirts? Will Tori deflower Neville? Is Neville a homosexual cross-dressing Democrat? Find out the answers to these questions and more next time in Harry Potter and the Unacceptable Title.