Chapter Five: Royal Welcome
Streets of Troy
Housewife: Ooh hoo, looks like Paris has another blond to play around with. (Giggles)
Another Housewife: (Points and giggles) Teehee!
Helen: Paris, you never told me I'd be pointed and giggled at in Troy! I'm being made fun of and my image is ruined waaah.
Paris: (Isn't paying attention) Damn, I'm so brilliant for bringing you here.
Hector: Oh my gods, I think I'm going insane from all the stupidity I've been surrounded with since we left Sparta. AHH.
Housewives: Teehee!
Palace of Troy
Priam: Hey, wazzup, sons? (Looks at Helen) Who the hell are you?
Paris: Dude, this is Helen. Of Sparta, uh, I mean, Troy.
Priam: You don't mean the same Spartans with the king whose brother has wanted to attack us for years, do you?
Paris: Actually, I do!
Priam: …Normally, I'd disapprove, but since she turns me on, I'm going to welcome her with open arms. And a little more. Mmm mmm!
Paris: This is MY ho you're talking about, Dad.
Priam: …
Hector: (Slaps forehead)
Andromache: Hey, you hot hunk of Trojan general, look at our baby!
Hector: My dear wife, that is a very large baby. And what is he wrapped in, lace?
Andromache: Yeah, I've been feeding him laxatives while you were gone, but I don't think that did anything.
Hector: Don't tell me we're going to be stuck with this large, feminine baby for the rest of the movie.
Andromache: …
Hector: And this, my friends, is only a preview of the hardships I will endure in the remaining two hours of the film.
Briseis: OMG HI HECTOR AND PARIS! Guess what guess what I decided to conveniently become a virgin priestess while you two were gone so I could advance the plot! Aren't you proud of me, aren't you aren't you?
Paris: I'd be proud of you if I weren't so proud of myself, little cousin.
Briseis: Oh, shut up, beeyotch. I'm going to get my own blond Greek soon enough, yo. So THERE.
Palace of Troy, Later
Hector: Hey Dad, I'm thinking it'd be a good idea to send Helen back to Sparta. So we can, you know, avoid having to wage a huge-ass war.
Priam: Son, do you realize I haven't been turned on by a woman this much in YEARS? Before, I only had you—
Hector: That's nice Dad, but please stop coming on to me. HELLO, I'm your SON.
Priam: My very sexy son. And intelligent, too. Which is why I can't listen to you. Don't you know by now that irony always goes down well with the audience? Contrary to popular belief, my denseness is carefully calculated!
Hector: Yeah, sure, I totally believe you. Totally.
Priam: I'm so pretty, oh so pretty, I'm so pretty and witty and bright…
Hector: Now if only Troy had some institutions…