Author's Note: Okay, so this is basically my parody of the Troy movie released in May 2004. Don't get me wrong, I ADORE this movie, but after reading other people's parodies of it I HAD to write one of my own. It's probably not all that funny, but eh. Enjoy? (By the way, I also am in love with Eric Bana so you'll probably see a lot of Hector favoritism in here. Heh.) Chapters are named by which scenes they include (from the scene index).

Troy: A Parody

Chapter One: Foreword, Awaiting Achilles, and "Is there no one else?"

3200 Years Ago

Odysseus: (Voiceover) Yeah, so basically the reason we live is that so when we die, people will remember the lovin' we made and the ass we kicked. Mainly the lovin', though. Damn, I turn myself on.
Audience: …

Thessalonian Battlefield

Triopas: Dude, Agamemnon, get the hell off my land.
Agamemnon: Nah, need to get some Achilles ass shots in early on, sorry, kid. Let's fight, yo. Your best against my best.
Triopas: Asshole. (Turns to face his army) Boagrius!
Thessalonian Army: W00t!
Boagrius: (Is tall) (And shirtless) (But ugly) Rawr. I'm sexy, except not.
Agamemnon: Achilles!
Greek Army: (Silence)
Agamemnon: Where the hell is he?
Officer: He's probably naked in his tent right now, so of course I sent a young boy to go fetch him.
Agamemnon: …Riiight.

Achilles' Tent

Messenger Boy: (Walks into Achilles' tent) Wow, this is even better than downloaded porn.
Achilles: Hey, this is MY sexual fantasy, not yours. Get the hell out of here.
Messenger Boy: (Drools a little) Your butt is very—I mean, that king guy sent me.
Achilles: …I'm kinda busy.
Messenger Boy: But you need to advance the plot.
Achilles: Well… damn.

Thessalonian Battlefield

Agamemnon: Took you long enough.
Achilles: Screw you.
Agamemnon: Asshole.
Achilles: (Runs toward Boagrius, dodges two spears, and stabs him through the shoulder)
Boagrius: Shit, that was fast. (Dies)
Achilles: Anyone else want to die?
Thessalonian Soldier: (Coughs loudly)
Other Thessalonian Soldier: (Whistles and looks away)
Triopas: (Walks up to him) So what's your name?
Achilles: Achilles. And don't you forget it, biznatch.
Triopas: Oh, I'll be calling out your name in my dreams for years to come, don't you worry.
Achilles: …