A rustle is heard in the bushes... Followed by a scream of a gay boy wonder... Then followed shortly after by a wild cursing hot alien... From afar comes the genius yet slightly disturbed writer that most of you (that are also slightly disturbed) have come to know and -insert adjective here- ... XxHot92xX!
Hey peoples! Ya miss me?
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Raidersrule76- Huh. Sure. Bi. Ha, thanks for the long thought out review!
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Raven of the Night676- Thanks for being so understanding! I am now all together, except for my head but you needs that anyway? Here comes our long awaited chappie!
Terra Logan- It was finals week so I can understand why... But now I'm back and all the world is right once more!
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Teleportal- –IS SHOCKED– Noooo you? BUSY? Lol.. Yes read it again and let it consume your mind! Tankies!
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It feels so nice to finally reply to reviews again! I only replied to those on the first page of reviews so I didn't get to reply to a lot of chap 14ers. Sorry about that but thanks for all that reviewed!
Thank you SOOOO MUCH guys for being so understanding and giving people who didn't understand viruses! I feel nice and refreshed (except getting all of my old files deleted but hey what can you do?) And I'm on to getting this chappie FINALLY written and published!
Sit back tight and watch the little black formations take up the screen as CHAPTER 15 rolls in to take over the INTERNET –maniacal laughter–
Putting the 'IN' Into Insanity
Chapter 15: I Knew Thee Well...Couch...
10:05 AM
"YES!"
Cyborg and BB leaned forward on the cushions of the couch anxiously waiting for their prize.
'And the results are in. For those just tuning in, we asked our viewers if Robin has what it takes to beat the Japanese Emperor Kuashja May I TickleYourPickle Foojii Lananana. And here it is... People have decided, based on logic and the...weird... things that has been happening in the Titans household, that Emperor Lananana would win this duel! For those who've placed bets will earn their earning by the end of this week. Let's give a hand to the viewers that voted and betted most on Lananana, BB and CY!"
Cyborg and Beast boy leaped up into the air in rejoice and bounced up and down on the couch chanting, "Lananana! Lananana! Lananana!"
Squeaks of old hinges and springs were heard from the old ass supporter but no one took head to its warnings...
10:53 AM
"ROBIN! COME DOWN HERE NOW AND ENJOY THE BLOOD FLOW THOUGH YOUR VEINS AT AN ACCELERATED RATE!"
Starfire stood in the middle of the den in an 80's exercise jumpsuit with vibrant colors and patterns. This one sported a red, green, yellow, blue and orange neon circle pattern that stitched itself across her arms, thighs and lower abdomen. A purple base color splashed itself everywhere else. Bunched up socks stretched up Star's lower legs and she wore red socks upon her feet that clashed horribly with her jumpsuit.
"I'm not coming out like this!"
Starfire called out, "Please?"
"NO!"
Starfire began to think. 'What would Robin come out to see even if he was dressed in a way he did not enjoy?'
A lightbulb appeared above her head as an idea struck her. Starfire then paused and searched for the new source of light. She looked up curiously and cautiously poked the little light bulb.
ANYWAY!
Starfire smiled and shouted out, "X'HAL! IT IS THE HUGH OF GRANT IN SPANDEX SWIM-WEAR!"
"Where, where?"
Robin ran out from behind the hallway wall, eyes darting back and forth searching for his treasure. He instantly deflated when Hugh G. was nowhere in sight, smell, hearing, or tasting.
Robin glared at the alien beauty, "You USED me! You can lie about anything! Anything EXCEPT Hugh Grant!"
Robin then realized where he was and what he was wearing..
A jumpsuit similar to Starfire's stretched and expanded across his muscular body. Green neon triangles stretched in every which way in a black background along his upper arms and thighs. On huge neon triangle fit itself on Robin's lower abdomen pointing downward. Solid red popped out everywhere else. In short, he looked like the gay 60's Robin that a mathematician threw up on...
"Starfire, must I wear this? Can't I just exercise in sweats or something?"
Star gasped, "Robin! You must wear the traditional attire of the exercising styles of the Tameranian Gonkla!"
Robin sighed, "Of course...the Gonkla..."
Starfire smiled giddily as she slid the coffee table out of the way and proceeded to slip in a video cassette entitled "GöñklÄ"
Instantly the room was illuminated in weird foreign music and gibberish language. Robin stood dumbfounded in the middle of this charade as Starfire followed along with the fat instructor in moves that consisted of twists and turns even loop-de-loops.
Starfire stretched and spun; jumped and kicked to the music. Her eyes traveled to Robin who stood there mist of body odor and sweat like a statue. Well, Starfire could simply not have this..
She grabbed onto the poor boy's arms and dragged him along with her. He felt the wind whip across the areas of his body that were not covered up by the hideous outfit. Suddenly he felt his face be pushed against the crack of two cushions. He nose filled up with the foul stench of moldy cheese as he descended deeper into the couch's cushions.
"What..are...you doing?"
His voice was muffled by the old dusty springs. Robin suddenly felt pressure on his back lightly bouncing about.
Above in the real world, Starfire had her eyes closed as she gently moved about Robin's spine to the instructor and music of the video. She touched her middle and thumb fingers together looking very much like Raven's during meditation.
Starfire responded quietly, "This is a Tameranian relaxation exercise to clear pressures in our partner's spinal cord."
Robin strained to hear what Star was saying but only caught bits and pieces that included: "relaxation exercise" and "spinal cord". He let out a sigh of relief as the calm video music took over his senses and the slightly weird yet wonderful massage by Star's feet let his stresses completely drain.
"OLA CONEY SPREE!"
Suddenly Robin endured incredible pain as Star's feet suddenly plowed into his spinal region forcefully. His head bobbled up and down rapidly as the music became faster and faster until he could no longer tell the difference between up, down, left or right.
The couches hinges squeaked and squawked; wailing from the pressure.
"StAaAaRrR!"
"OONA!"
Suddenly everything was silenced at once.
A tugging forced was pulling on Robin's body hard until he could no longer breathe. Outside the cheese-smelling cushions, Starfire was beat-red with blood pumping through her exercised veins looking puzzled at the couch with Robin's head inside.
"This is quite a problem..."
Robin's arms flailed wildly outside the cushions, "What!"
Starfire leaned into Robin's form and yelled, "YOUR HEAD APPEARS TO BE LODGED INTO THE SO-FA!"
Starfire then added pleasantly, "BUT DO NOT FEAR SNOOKY-POO! I SHALL FETCH THE BUTTER!"
The couch moaned in reply...
12:00 PM
Raven strolled into the living area sleepily. She had been up all night studying a new spell when Beast Boy swung open her door forcefully and said in what he thought was a sexy tone:
"Let's dance..."
So the night had proceeded in the events that will not be said but only imagined...
In her hands she held a book titled: So Your Boyfriend Has An Obsession Over "John Travolta"?
Raven walked over to the kitchen's counter and placed the book there. Slowly she prepared her morning tea; measuring the appropriate amounts of tea mix and boiling water. Mixing it daintily with a tiny spoon, she brought it to her lips and took a sip and inhaled the incense.
A smile slowly played across her lips as she took her tea and book and headed over to the couch. Raven placed the tea upon the coffee table and looked at the couch before she sat so she wouldn't sit on a remote or gum. An eyebrow raised from suspicion as she looked at what appeared to be butter or cream cheese smeared over two cushions.
Silently, Raven got up and fetched paper towels and fabric cleaner. She got down on her knees before the ass-supporter and scrubbed until the material looked half-way normal.
After living in the Titans household for 5 years, Raven was pretty much used to the weird sights and sounds of the Tower and learned to live with it without becoming practically insane.
Raven threw out the butter/cream cheese filled towels and picked up her book from the coffee table she had recently placed there and put it down on the couch. Then, picking up her hot tea, brushed off imaginary crumbs from the cushion and proceeded to lower herself down onto the sofa.
"RAVEN!"
A sigh admitted through her small mouth as she stood up from almost sitting down and relaxing. God forbid...
"Coming..."
Raven took her tea with her and headed toward the panicked sound of BB's voice.
5 minutes later...
"Why must the good die young Rae?"
Raven had the most emotionless look on her face as she carried a small box that must have been used for a piece of jewelry at one time. A red, puffy-eyed Beast Boy leaned on her shoulder, almost starting to weep again.
"Didn't I tell you a million times that if you put Goldy in that Aquafall Water Fountain, he'd get sucked up into the mechanism...?"
(You know, those water fountains that look like windows with rain coming down them?)
Beast boy shamefully hung his head as they walked outside to a clear vacant spot to bury Goldy the Goldfish.
As Raven did the honors, BB's eyes nervously looked back and forth.
"You don't think Goldy will...haunt me...do you?"
Raven patted the dirt softly and stood, "Beast Boy, I am tired...so very tired.. Must you go on with your idiotic questioning henceforth becoming annoyingly paranoid?"
Beast Boy stared blankly ahead past Raven and then walked toward the T-Tower muttering that he needed to get some cloves of garlic and make a necklace.
Raven slapped her hand to her forehead and let it slide down her face at his stupidity.
"Idiot.."
Back inside...3 mins later...
Raven had to make another cup of tea since BB threw the last cup onto Goldy, thinking he would revive him once Raven got him out of the mechanism.
At last, she took her cup and headed over to the couch. Slowly she descended herself onto the padding. Crossing her legs, she was about to take a sip of her warm, calming tea when–
CRRRRREAAAKKK...
PING ..
PING ..
CRACK!
The couch imploded itself onto the ground from over-use and old age. Dust filled the room and springs littered the floor from the explosion.
Once everything settled, a lone hand reached up out of the wreckage and pulled up a dust covered Raven whowore a deadpan expression.
"We might need a new couch..."
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"IT'S GOLDY'S CURSE I'M TELLING YA!"
"Beast boy it's not Goldy's curse. The couch was old and went through some rugged paths in it's life. Especially that night when you brought home a drunk Raven..."
Raven, Robin, and Beast Boy stood before the wreckage. All were stunned by how it just collapsed suddenly. Raven had wiped off all the dust and particles from herself but a spring was still lodged into her hair.
Robin lifted up a big piece of the armrest, "Yeah, we're gonna have to get a new one.."
Raven looked to the hallway where Cyborg's room was, "But what about Cyborg? You know how attached he is to this thing."
Robin pulled the spring from Raven's hair, "We just won't tell him. We'll get one that's just as good as this couch that he'll actually be glad that we got it."
Beast Boy grabbed onto Robin's sleeve, "No! It won't help! Goldy's gonna possess Cy and come to kill me for revenge!"
Robin looked to Raven questionably.
"His fish got sucked up into the mechanism of that Aquafall thing.."
Robin's eyes widened and then became normal once more after realizing the sitation, "Of course.."
Raven turned back to the task at hand, "Well how are we gonna get him not to notice that the couch is busted until we get the new one?"
Robin pulled BB off his shoulder, "You'll stay here and use your powers to dump the remains into the bay or something and distract Cy into not coming in this room. Beast Boy and I will go out and get the new couch."
Raven folded her arms, "And what will I do to distract him? He comes in here to get food you know."
Robin headed to the door with BB, "Use your imagination."
And with that, Raven was left alone with her thoughts on how to prevent a bloody rampage...
----------------------------- ---------------------------------- --------------------------------------
"Welcome to COUCH-A-PALOOZA! How may I seat you?"
An orange haired, acne-faced teenager met the two Titans at the door with flyers saying "SALE" on them stuffed in his pockets, ready to hand out. He leaned into their faces, his braces gleaming in the florescent lights.
Robin stepped back, "We're just here to browse, sir.."
The salesman nodded and then added thoughtfully, "Weren't you the guy that was attacked by Gay-Guy-Ness?"
Robin shook his head and pointed in BB's direction, "Nope that was him."
The awkward teen nodded vigorously, "Of course! He looks much gayer than you do."
Beast boy's brows furrowed as he dragged Robin away from the salesman to the land of couches.
"Whoa...Look at all of them... It's like the whole couch population in here."
Robin kneeled by a suede one and rubbed his cheek against it. A moan of pleasant bliss echoed off the walls causing customers to peer over to the two with disgusted looks. Robin, unbeknownst to the stares, hugged the arm and let his hand circle the soft, velvety material.
Beast Boy slid back away from the Boy Wonder and whistled innocently as if he did not know the embarrassing sight. He left Robin to satisfy he wants and needs (no matter how weird they might be) and went off to search for a new couch.
"Ooo.."
BB strolled over to a lady-bug printed one with fuzzy material. His eyes then swivelled toward a cow printed one. His eyes lit up in satisfaction as he quickly walked over to the piece of furniture.
Beast Boy plopped down onto it and felt himself sink into the cushions. His stress from the morning's previous events withered away. BB's hand landed on a hard plastic surface on the couch's arm. Curiosity played on his features as he eagerly press the button.
"Moooo"
"Hey Beast Boy! Look at this one!"
BB looked over toward Robbie who had planted his ass into an inflatable couch. Beast Boy, like a child on Christmas morn', ran to the object and sat down next to Robin. Both boys smiled with glee as they created little tunes with their fingers on the clear plastic surface.
They swayed to the little beat they had created. But poor Robin forgot that Starfire had pinned his boxers to his pants with a sharp safety pin so he wouldn't lose them again like last time...
POP!
Before either of them knew it, they were on the floor sitting on the deflated balloon-like couch.
Being superheroes, Robin and Beast Boy had loads of training in this sort of situation and knew exactly what to do.
"Hide the evidence Beast Boy!"
Yes, the Titan's comfort lied in the most definite reliable sources...
X0x0x0x00x0x0x0x0x0x00xx0x0x00x0x0x0x
'Tap Tap'
Raven stood outside Starfire's door waiting patiently. If she was to keep Cy out of the living area then she need all the help she could get.
4 minutes past when Raven started to get impatient.
'KNOCK KNOCK'
Finally the knob turn to reveal Starfire, or what Raven thought was her..
"Star...fire?"
What stood before Raven was a massive block of cheese. Yes, you read that right. A block of cheese. Starfire's head popped out one of the holes to reveal her giddy face painted yellow.
Raven hid her own face in her hands.
Starfire smiled even more widely and gave some information about her attire, "The heads of cheese are in the "play-offs"! Oh Raven, may we please attend this joyous occasion?"
Raven stopped staring at Star's outfit long enough to get in a response, "Not now Starfire. We need to keep Cyborg out of the living room cause the couch sort of...died."
Starfire gasped loudly as her arms popped out of two more holes and placed her hands on her mouth.
"He will be most crushed!"
Raven peered down the hallway to make sure the metal man wasn't there, "And so will the tower if we don't stop him."
Starfire pulled off her cheese costume immediately and grabbed Raven's arm, pulling her down the hallway.
"I have the perfect idea, you mustn't worry!"
Raven reluctantly followed the alien who had just worn a cheese costume for the Green Bay Packers and thought to herself solemnly 'And it will all go downhill from here..'
A few moments later after "kidnaping" Cyborg and hauling him across town...
"We have arrived! It is the place to meet and greet women and use your cunning ways to get them to use your, as Beast Boy puts it, hose!"
Starfire unwrapped Cy's blindfold and they stood outside a building with neon letters blinking:
NICK-KNACK PATTY-WHACK
Raven's eyes widened as she realized what this place was and prepared whether to kill Starfire silently or have the whole world watch.
Starfire stared at the two gawking Titans and looked to the building. After a few moments of silence, she grabbed their arms and hauled them inside.
The smell of booze and smoke was overwhelming to Raven's senses as her eyes adjusted to the dim light. Squinting over to Cyborg, she saw his mouth gape open and close like a fish without water as his mind was trying to comprehend the fact that they were in–
"A STRIP JOINT Star?"
Raven pulled Starfire aside and whispered violently to her. She ignored the gigantic ass that shook its way toward her.
"We're supposed to just distract him! Not let his overactive hormones land us all in prison!"
Starfire smiled giddily, "Oh Raven, do not fret! He will enjoy himself as will we."
Raven folded her arms defiantly, "No. I am NOT going to partake in these sexual activities that are so feminist that it's sick. And I'm sure Cyborg is not THAT thick-headed to just go up and start getting his "jollies" on."
Cyborg came running over to them with a smile that overtook his face.
"Star! Rae! Quick! Give me a dollar! A Brazilian belly dancer is giving lap dances!"
Raven's face deflated as Starfire gladly handed him a twenty.
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"Too girly, too buggy, too fruity, too gay..."
Who knew picking out a sofa could be so time consuming and such a delicate task? One false move and your butt is in the hospital and you're charged with ass abuse. Yes it can happen! Why do you think Robin went insane back there?
Robin scouted Couch-A-Palooza looking for the perfect sofa. It couldn't be too firm, yet not too soft! You could sink into it and the next thing you know, you have to call the paramedics to get BB out of the couch's grasp. You could just never tell with couches.
Beast Boy could be spotted nearby Robin's frantic pacing, sleeping on a love seat. Robin walked over to him and sat down, head in his hands.
"I can't take all this pressure beast Boy. This couch or that couch? An ottoman? Or a footrest? It's all too much!"
Beast Boy groggily sat up and stared into space and retrieved a 5 dollar bill from an invisible pocket on his spandex, "Here. Go to the Yogurt Deluxe, get yourself some strawberry goulash or whatever you like and let me handle the sofa. Va bene?"
Robin, with wide eyes, took the bill and dozily walked out of the store and across the street.
Beast Boy watched until he was gone and sighed, looking around at the bonanza of sofas, couches, love seats, recliners and Laz-E-Boys. He was in the Teen Titans and they had trained him thoroughly on making this sort of important decision.
"Eenie meenie, miney mo..."
0xx0x0x0x0x0x0x0x
Raven slouched in a bar stool popping some cherries the bartender offered her as Cyborg got his jollies. But that wasn't the worst part. Ohhh nooo... It was that Starfire attempted to try these "earthly customs" and had spent half her money on lap dances from anyone wh ocrossed her path. She tried to make conversations with the dancers, finding out their favorite colors and hobbies...
Raven pulled out a cherry stem from her mouth and spotted Starfire happily skipping toward her.
"Oh Raven! Do you wish to pull out this dollar bill from this fine gentleman's buttocks? If you succeed, you get to keep the dollar!"
Raven sourly looked up to Starfire, "I guess that explains all the twenties sticking out of your pockets..."
Starfire blushed giddily and dragged Raven to a pole dancing platform. Locking Raven in her seat, she whispered to a young women in a bikini that only had pasties and a g-string. Nodding with a tooth-filled grin, she went to the back of the room. Raven could feel her anger rising from deep inside her as she tried to contemplate what events were about to be unfolded.
"Ladies and gentleman! Please put your hands together for Faboccinni-AssAlinni! He'll be performing to someone very special in this room. Everyone, say Happy Birthday to Raven!"
A spotlight shone brightly onto Raven's dark atmosphere. She wore a deadpan expression but could be seen steaming from this predicament. Faboccinni moon walked over to the Mistress of Magic in a bow tie and g-string and proceeded to give her a full on lap dance. Raven grinded her teeth sharply put did not move. She saw the words Happy on one of his butt cheeks and Birthday on the other. Tightening her fists, she concluded that she would kill Starfire with the whole world watching.
Fabo's dancing proceeded without a single sweat drop emitting from his body.
"Yeah Rae! You bad ass!"
Raven silently added Cyborg on her list of people to kill...
Finally, oh yes finally, the dance was over and the group of belly dancers and strippers came over to her and handed Raven a Birthday cake with a man's hose etched onto it. It read:
Happy Birthday from Nick-Knack! Have a romping good time!
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"Oh come on Raven, you know you were digging that Fabo's dance! You were practically melting into him!"
Raven sealed her mouth shut and wore the same expression she had worn for Fabo and the whole ride home. In her hands lay the dreadful cake. Starfire made point that it was vanilla icing with chocolate star-looking sprinkles. Raven didn't have the heart to tell her those weren't stars...
Cyborg and Starfire went on in detail how nice the people were to have given her a cake as raven pressed in the code to the Tower's entrance.
The door swished open to reveal...
"OH MY GOD OF MERCY!"
Beast Boy and Robin weakly came out from behind a canoe and uttered, "Surprise...?"
Cyborg kneeled in front of the canoe and cried out, "What have you done with her?"
Robin nervously replied, "Well... The couch kind of..broke so we had to go out and get a new one or at least somthing we could sit in..."
Cyborg looked at Robin and the gang disgustedly, "And you didn't even let me say GOODBYE?"
Starfire chimed in, "We did not want you to be upset. We know how much you were...disturbingly connected with the couch."
"So you're telling me that you.." Cyborg choked back on tears and forced himself to say the words, "That you threw away Sonya?"
Raven quirked up an eyebrow, "Who's Sonya?"
Beast Boy replied, "The couch. Sonya the couch."
Robin tried to reason with the shaken robot, "Cyborg, Sonya was old and needed to be replaced."
"With a CANOE?"
Robin calmly replied, "That was Beast Boy's fault. HE was the one who picked it up at the furniture store under Bianca Wu."
Cyborg could no longer speak and ran to his room and dramatically slammed the door shut.
Everyone stared wide-eyed down the hall where Cy disappeared. Suddenly (and quite randomly), Beast boy looked over to Raven's cake.
"Hey! You didn't tell us it was your Birthday!"
Raven rolled her eyes, not even having the will to correct the green imp.
Beast Boy looked then questionably at it, "Is that what I think it is..?"
Starfire and Robin crowded around them curiously. Raven sarcastically stated, "Nope. It's a microphone with two tennis balls."
Starfire peers over and gasps disbelievingly, "Really?"
Robin raised his eye brows, "Nick-Knack? Isn't that the strip joint downtown?"
Raven whispered quietly, "I'd rather not talk about it."
Starfire smiled joyfully, "Oh yes and they were most pleasant down there! Look! They even put chocolate star sprinkles on Raven's cake!"
Beast Boy did a double take at the sprinkles and started to say, "Uh, Star?"
Starfire innocently looked up to him, "Yes?"
"Those aren't–"
But Robin and Raven only shook their heads, telling him that it was too late for explanations.
Hey guys! I've been working on this chapter since I went on HIATUS. I was almost finished with it in the beginning of September and lo and behold guess what I am surprised with? A new puppy! My little darling...
But enough goo-goo ga-ga's over him.
Sorry about the long wait again and if this doesn't look like my normal style of writing to you. I guess you can say I'm out of practice but I'll be back!
Here's some chapter pickings! Only the titles and then some because I don't have enough time to write out an excerpt:
Fools In Love (has a game show that tests if the Titans couples really know and love each other. BB/Rae are paired off and so was Rob and Star but the game show guys accidentally paired Robin off with an old woman who has an extra toe)
Or...
Not So Saved by the Bell (Titans teach a DARE program at a nearby school... Inappropriate questions are asked and Cy learns an important lesson from the lunch lady.)